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Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates?
Posted on Wednesday, May 31 @ 07:04:26 EDT by | 
Dear Aspie:
“I am in my 20s and I have problems with friendships and relationships. I've been told by exs that I'm not capable of having a relationship and I think they're right. I don't know if I can love - I don't love anyone I know and I tend to care about my cuddly toys and computer equipment more than people. I try to be a good person, and do the things you're supposed to do in NT-land, and be nice and friendly to people, but it's just not enough, it seems. Can people like me realistically have friendships and relationships?”
--AlienGirl
Read on for GroovyDruid's response!
Dear Aspie:
“I am in my 20s and I have problems with friendships and relationships. I've been told by exs that I'm not capable of having a relationship and I think they're right. I don't know if I can love - I don't love anyone I know and I tend to care about my cuddly toys and computer equipment more than people. I try to be a good person, and do the things you're supposed to do in NT-land, and be nice and friendly to people, but it's just not enough, it seems. Can people like me realistically have friendships and relationships?”
--AlienGirl
I want to discuss a myth that may or may not be influencing you.
Among aspies, there’s a myth that goes something like this: “NTs (Neurologically Typicals) socialize because they gain glorious, heartfelt relationships that fulfill them and bring them warmth and joy.” Well, go say that to an NT. You’ll get roars of laughter. They’ll tell you in a twink that statement is nosense.
So why do NTs indulge in so much mingling and sparkling, chatting and joking?
The important point to understand is that socialization is by and large a game for NTs. You’re an aspie, so you’re likely unaware of it, but when you go into a party full of laughing, drinking people, you’re actually stepping onto a gigantic chessboard. On this board, NTs are competing for mates and sex, social position, admiration, money, power, and just about anything else you can think up.
Now, you probably find this incredible. “Why would they play games like this with people they purport to like?” Well, most NTs love the game of socialization. Not only that, they assume everyone else does, too, so they don’t think of it as offensive to play the game with one another. Moreover, they are so deep into the game that few are aware of it. But really, it fuels their interest in attending gatherings. They get a rush from the game, like a good set of tennis.
Therefore, much of the socialization you see hides maneuvers, and it’s neither genuine nor lasting. Please … don’t think I’m saying NTs are a band of insincere psychopaths manipulating each other for kicks (well some are, but that’s another rant…). NT genes hardwire the behavior in, and they assume you play the game of socialization at parties, and that’s all.
Now, we aspies don’t see our way in this game clearly, if at all. That’s why aspies can’t stand parties, and why the myth arises. We walk into a room of smiling, laughing people, and we put ourselves in their positions: “Boy, if I were laughing and talking with somebody like that, I’d feel great. I’d feel sincere and connected.” Then we assume that NTs feel that way, too.
But wait! We don’t see the deficit. We don’t sense that social acumen brings with it a curse of constant, compulsive gamesmanship and hiding of one’s true identity. NTs at a party compare well to gambling addicts: they can’t stop playing at socialization even if they wanted to. Ever wonder why droves of NTs wind up at therapists saying, “I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore, I feel like everything is a lie”? Well, the game is playing them, and at that point, it’s no longer fun.
Now, to tackle your problem: can aspies have real friendships and relationships? Yes, they can. But you’re not going to find them in the usual places. Friendships need a basis. If you go to parties and sit around the keg trying to base your friendships or loves on playing the socialization game, you will almost certainly be smashed and ignored.
Thank goodness, there are alternatives. Certain activities minimize the amount of competition within the group in favor of competing against another group or achieving some common goal. Sports are a good example. Or if you’re not athletic, bird watching clubs, chess clubs, church food drives, dancing lessons, collecting clubs … and the list goes on. The important point: these activities place you on the same team as the people you’re sharing space with, not in social competition with them. And in these activities, you’re much more likely to run into some bloke who’s looking for someone just like you.
Now, based on what we’ve gone over here, I would like you to consider that your previous relationship failures and friendship mishaps may have sprung—at least in part—from getting involved in a game you were not equipped to play. Those people likely demanded moves of you that you didn’t comprehend. When you didn’t respond as required, you seemed hopeless to them.
But we know you’re not hopeless. You just didn’t know which games to pick and which to say, “Um, no. Not playing that one.” And by the way, you can love. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be making such an effort to find a way to relate to all these NT weirdos. Best wishes. :^)
Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Berserker Monday, November 26 @ 00:47:04 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | "Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates?"
No.
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Enigmatic_Oddity Saturday, June 03 @ 21:49:15 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I'd like to provide an alternative response to your letter, AlienGirl. I don't agree with GroovyDruid that people have an ulterior motive to socialising such as power, status or sex. There's many reasons why a person may socialise, and most, if not all people will spend at least some of their time socialising for the purpose of connecting with other people. All you have to do to see evidence of that is look at all the art, music, literature, etc that's been created throughout human history, and hear people's stories. A lot of it deals with issues like love, mateship, familial relations, social alienation, and so on. All these works have been made because these issues are considered to be so fundamental to the human condition.
But as to whether you're able to bond with people, is it really that important to you? How do you spend most of your free time, and what do you do for fun? Do you mostly spend your time doing solitary activities, and if so, is that out of choice or necessity? If given an easy opportunity for companionship, would you still tend to spend time on your lonesome, and do you think that relationship would be characterised by love (giving yourself to that person, as they would to you?), or mostly by self-centeredness? In short, you need to figure out yourself why you aren't able to bond with people. It's a lack of skills, or a lack of desire.
If it's a lack of skills then you just need to keep going out there and practicing, just as you would with any other skill. You should look for friends who share the same attitudes and goals as you. One way of finding people like this is joining clubs, meeting people during your study, etc. It's a far easier way to meet people this way than through 'traditional' ways, such as at parties where there is no shared focus, no goal. There's also far less to talk about initially, making the task of 'breaking the ice' even harder. Don't worry about how slow it may seem that you are developing these skills; as long as you keep going a step at a time, you're going somewhere (seems obvious, I know :) Don't compare yourself to your peers or listen to other people's criticisms.
If you don't have the desire to bond with other people, perhaps out of self-centredness or bad past experiences, then you should act accordingly. If the latter, then perhaps you should consult a professional and discuss whatever social anxiety you experience further. If you have no desire out of self-centeredness however, ask yourself can you see this ever changing? If not, then you need to understand that it's OK to not be a 'people person' and face it, with less time that you have focussing on social tasks, you'll have more time to focus on other tasks that are important to you. Navigating the social world isn't the only constructive thing a person can do; you can find plenty of purpose in other aspects of life. That doesn't mean you have to become a total recluse of course. You should still focus on relationships, but you might not need intimacy in the way that other people do. You'll also still find it in your best interests to become less self-centered, but you can do this in ways that don't include developing relationships with others. You can do this through volunteer work, helping others, and developing spirituality, amongst other things. You might even be lucky in that you can do this while working. Just remember that socialising and developing intimate relations isn't the be-all-and-end-all of life. |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by hidoko Thursday, June 01 @ 05:23:19 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.livejournal.com/users/theonecalledh/info | | I'd like to add that I had an ex who would grab me sexually even though I protested and said explicitly not to countless of times, and among other things, ignored my needs specifically while claiming that I was incapable of loving.
Almost immediately, just as I was about to be brainwashed by this guy simply because I won't do what he wanted mindlessly, simply becaues I chose to be myself and not the brainwashed gf that he wanted, I found someone who loved me and whom I truly loved. :) It was then that I knew that I was capable of loving and that I was capable of being loved, and that the NT/aspie gap isn't necessarily unbridgeable; it's just that particular ex being a jerk.
We're not broken NTs. Heck, we're not broken.
If it's meant to be, it's just meant to be. If it's not, it's not. They're only claiming that you're broken because you refuse/can't play their game. :) |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Iammeandnooneelse Wednesday, May 31 @ 18:42:34 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | Good luck! |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Xuincherguixe Monday, June 05 @ 00:22:12 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I would say that NTs socialize because they enjoy it AND for the reasons listed above.
That being said. Yes, we can form relationships. It can be hard, but we can do it.
Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. In many ways, the challenge itself is what is worth while. It is through our struggles that we grow.
Try to form and maintain a relationship, and know that even in just the attempt you are strong. Other people might not recognize it, but they probably can't comprehend the whole picture.
(Then again I don't know you. I'm just making some assumptions.)
And as far as capacity for love goes, even NTs have a lot of problems with that. Love tends to get confused with Lust and Infatuation. |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Asparval Sunday, June 11 @ 05:06:27 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | A quick comment on love. When you say you don't love it might be because you are looking for something that doesn't exist in the way it is portraid. For years I believed that love did not exist. It was only later in life I understood that I was taking the word too literally. If you look inside yourself for one emotion called love you won't find it. What people call love is really any number of positive emotions you might feel about someone and that mix of emotions will be different for each person. This is how people say there are different kinds of love (eg romantic, love for a friend, fatherly etc). Because many of us with AS find it difficult to recognise clearly the emotions we feel at times it can be very difficult to understand the complexities of the multiplicity of emotions we lump together as love. Nevertheless, just because they are difficult to understand it doesn't mean they are completely absent. This can be further complicated by the fact that many of us find being with people difficult and only truly relax when alone. |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by natalia Wednesday, June 07 @ 09:09:13 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | There are plenty of stories of aspies who found each other (or found otherwise atypical non-aspies) and got married or otherwise committed. I didn't believe that could happen for me, and neither did the strange and wonderful man I am now happily married to (for 1 year this weekend).
I think it's possible but not guaranteed to happen, just as with NTs. I also think that as a female (I assume hetero) you are sort of more likely to find a male aspie because there seem to be a lot of them. So, you never know. I would recommend an aspie (official or otherwise) or at any rate a guy who is like you, because if a guy expects you to be more social than you like to be, you could both be discontented. This has happened to me with guys before where there was some interest, even mutual, but they thought I needed to be cured of my asocial ways, and I was not sure whether to agree with them or not, but now I am happy doing my usual asocial things and he his usual asocial things, and we have some things we do together, and we have a perfectly nice life together. |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Aurore Friday, December 07 @ 12:17:55 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) http://bloodyaurore.deviantart.com | | It's completely possible. If you give up on it you'll never have it. You just need to find someone who gets that you're different, that's what I did and I'm married now. I have friends. I'm weird to them and they're weird to me but it's ok. It's better to be weird and not alone than weird and alone...I might not be able to bond but I really want to. My problem isn't whether I'm capable of a relationship but that people think I don't care about things because, I have a problem with eye contact... |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by eugene Saturday, November 03 @ 19:15:28 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I'm 21 and i've never had a date. i'm not ugly (but not very beautiful either...)but i'm clumsy and have serious communication problems. Boys ignore me and pretend i don't exist. What can i do? i'm very shy |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Swedishaspie Tuesday, December 18 @ 08:17:58 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | An aspie is prone to not have a rich social life, but you can have friends (I have two GOOD friend, the kind you can trust) an relationships but it's probably harder.
I have noticed somthing about NT's, they have many *friends* but they do not know if they can trust them or not so they often talk about them behind their backs so I would say that their not friends at all but peapole who tolerate each other.
I have some tips:
1. A friend should be someone you can trust, not a fake friendship(s).
2. Be honest about your AS or other problems. One of my problems is depression, socialising is not easy then and I don't talk to anyone, My friends know this and do not take it personaly.
3.Find a good person to be with and do not get into the wrong crowd, its not easy to be with peapole who do wrong, belive me.
4.Be attentive to what your friend is thinking and be honest about when you can't "read" his/her signals.
I have lost many friendships in my life, but I learned that honesty about my so called "problems" (AS) make the peaple around me understand me and accept me on a way that I have never been before... |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by zaniac Monday, April 02 @ 20:36:06 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | One thing I've been finding VERY helpful in making new friends, is to go places where Aspies are more likely to be found. We seem to instinctively connect, even when our personalities and interests are quite different. There is indeed a social code among Aspies; it just has a lot of differences with the NT social code, and it relates to our unique perceptions and the values we tend to acquire as Aspies.
Some ideas:
Forget most bar and club scenes, as well as parties. People tend to get even more obnoxious when they're drunk! There are exceptions, but even then you should learn how to spot potential Aspies among the NTs.
Some "nerdy" scenes actually work better in this regard. Sci-fi cons, computerfests etc. tend to be over-large, chaotic affairs, so opportunities are somewhat limited there. Better alternatives may include such things as church (for the religiously inclined), potlucks, techie meetings (for the technically inclined), LOCALLY-oriented volunteer work (especially if it's not all that glamorous), etc.
Above all, don't buy into all the NT PR (and BS)! Let the NTs brainwash each other if they want, but we should know better.
Do any of you have more ideas or comments along these lines? |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by purplefox Wednesday, July 25 @ 06:15:43 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | ...Wha?? You mean they DON'T socialise to have relationships and make them feel fulfilled and bring them joy?? Holy cow, I'm so confused now. I've been living on that thought for my 16 years and now this feels like a slap in the face.
Just... wow. |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Thundermist04167 Friday, May 06 @ 18:12:37 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Dear AlienGirl: Having read your post, I would ask those other people, "How would YOU define a 'relationship'?"
It is quite possible that those ex's have selfish motives in mind. Perhaps they want something from you that they don't deserve (you could guess what I'm hinting at, but it could be anything); and, because you won't put out, THEY say, "YOU can never have a relationship."
This wouldn't surprise me. A lot of posts mention "games" that people "play." I understand the concept, but I am never really sure when people are "playing" or serious. At any rate, people who play "games" simply can't be trusted to give an objective and straightforward opinion. They will NEVER level with you about their true assessment of you. |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Eel_Nadroj Sunday, May 11 @ 01:35:41 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.facebook.com/jordan.a.lee | | You can have friends and girlfriends. It's all in mind over matter. I mean I've been in successful relationships and friendships and I have had a good amount in trust in them. I mean making friends and getting girls is hard but it's also awesome when you succeed at it. |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by crazyguy Monday, August 24 @ 18:41:48 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | im oliver and i 13 years old i have it and i say f××× the people that said you cant have frends or relationships i know u can have them cause i have lots of frends and ive been on many dates |
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Re: Dear Aspie: Can Aspies Make Friends and Have Dates? (Score: 1)
by Kiti Monday, May 31 @ 17:14:46 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Well, I have several friends, and I currently have a boyfriend, and I'm an Aspie. But there are several times when he doesn't seem to get me, so maybe. :/ |
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