|
Dear Aspie: Letting go
Posted on Tuesday, July 18 @ 16:26:38 EDT by | 
Dear Aspie:
I met a girl online. I live about an hour away from her. Three times, I drove up to meet her; she never came to meet me. She said she did not feel comfortable coming down my way.
After the third date, she told me she had plans next weekend, but would like to get together with me the weekend after. I left a message on her answering machine the next week saying I wanted to chat, and hoped to hear from her later. I never heard back from her.
Then she changed her ad to say she was only looking for people within her town. But tonight, I put up my personal ad on another site, and found her ad there as well. This ad says she is looking for someone farther away,within my boundary.
My question is, should I try and contact her again or just let things be?
-- Ken M.
Read on for Julie's response!
Ken, just let things be. This girl is no longer interested, and she doesn't want to admit it to you directly. At the same time, she's too chicken even to dodge you without pretending not to - thus the "boundary" game.
I admit to dodging guys I've dated. The reason is that some men I have rejected directly have become hostile and argumentative. I prefer silence to being harangued and pushed to present a strong case regarding why I don't want to date somebody. It's almost as if the guy thinks that if I don't win the argument, I'll have to date him again!
On the other hand, I think someone you've interacted with to the extent of meeting them in person three times deserves an honest rejection, at the very least. Not only that, but if a guy has made it through three dates, he's probably polite enough not to be a jerk about it. You never know, though; and maybe this girl has had some bad experiences that way. I'm not saying that makes it okay; I'm saying that could be why she chooses to avoid you rather than dealing with you directly.
In general, silent rejection has become standard online dating practice, probably for just this sort of reason. Dodging simply comes with the online territory, whether or not you think it's right or fair. It's something you have to learn to live with if you want to play the game.
In terms of the distance factor, I personally would want the guy to be the one to travel. I can see why you wouldn't want to invest a significant amount of travel time and expense in someone who's likely to fizzle, though. You could travel the first time to see if there's a spark, but then wait awhile before going again. In the interim, you could try to gauge how and whether she continues to respond to you in chat and/or on the phone.
On the other hand, an hour's drive is really not that major in Internet dating land. Some people get on airplanes for this, you know. Imagine how annoyed you'd be if she'd lived in another country!
Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to JulieKitty or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!
|
|
| |
|
|
| | The comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content. |
|
|
|
No Comments Allowed for Anonymous, please register |
|
Re: Dear Aspie: Letting go (Score: 1)
by bwc1976 Sunday, July 30 @ 13:16:25 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Letting go isn't easy, I've been through it before and I know the feelings you have for someone don't just go away overnight. But one way of thinking about it is, if she's playing these games with you now, then she's not really good enough for you anyway. |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: Letting go (Score: 1)
by autti34 Monday, January 08 @ 21:27:10 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | let it go becuse she will think that your bothering her or stocking her as a girl that can really crep you out if you feel like a guy is bugging you after you let them no not instred |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: Letting go (Score: 1)
by groovemeister Saturday, February 03 @ 16:15:46 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | As someone who is quite au fait with neurotypical workings (they insist on playing games and displaying completely unrelated behaviour that somehow relates to what they actually want/mean; aspies just say what they mean) I can tell you that for whatever reason, she is categorically uninterested.
I am very sorry to say this to you, but please bear in mind that her disinterest in you is not a reflection of you - more a reflection of her. I know it's a cliché, but there are plenty out there - but even simpler than that is, she obviously isn't the one - but someone out there IS. Find her! :) Or just let life drop her on you. Looking often isn't the bet way to meet someone, I find. |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: Letting go (Score: 1)
by ProfessorX Saturday, February 24 @ 11:57:07 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.projectorion.net | | Dear Ken, I,myself have had a similar situation where once I had known someone online whom was whom had not lived too far from me but, She never sincerely wanted to meet despite the fact, she kept making the notion of it though therefore, it came very hard for me to make the decision to let go but, I did it though as much as it hurt to do it though.
I hope you will make the best decision possible.
|
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: Letting go (Score: 1)
by Sandee Monday, March 12 @ 03:46:30 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | Hello. I know this is an old post (July 2006?) but I would leave her alone. I believe I had AS and I wouldn't take the time to let the man know that I don't want to see him anymore...since I just wouldn't do it. If she does not make an effort to see you, leave it alone. People with AS probably don't want to drive far away-since it is out of their confort zone and I understand completely. Also, she may not have any gas money to get where you are. |
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: Letting go (Score: 1)
by rideforever Monday, March 12 @ 11:50:17 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Hello
I am looking for a girl online and having lots of questions about what to do when how etc...
In your post, you didn't say if you liked this girl ? If you like her a lot then maybe it's worth trying again - it would only be a phonecall.
Hell, if you really like her call her 20 times ... love is scarce. Maybe her car was broken that day, maybe she doesn't like driving, maybe she is close to her mum and doesn't want to leave the house. Maybe she got fired from her job so she didn't want to go out. I don't know. Maybe yeah she doesn't want to go out with you - but it's hard to know.
I would say that if you like her a lot it's worth calling. It's just a phone call.
And if it doesn't work out the sun still rises tomorrow and there are options.
Is that useful ?
rideforever
|
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: Letting go (Score: 1)
by P0pulati0n_Tirex0x50 Sunday, July 08 @ 18:01:51 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | First of all, let me say that I have Asperger's Condition (I don't really see it as a "syndrome", even though that's the literal title of the condition; I see it more of a trait, like having a certain color of skin, or a large skeletal structure)
This kind of behaviour that the woman was exhibiting is precisely the reason why I am very leery about meeting new women with the intention of dating them. This is one of the most ridiculous and immature things to do, if not illogical. I may never know what a woman's true intentions are; she could be lying through her teeth, covering up her feelings or intentions, or simply keeping me around in case things get better or I change my personality to suit her needs.
That's primarily why I have a hard time with the female gender; they'll never tell you what they're really thinking, because they expect you to read their minds and somehow magically glean the fact that they think and/or feel a certain way about something.
I cannot read your minds very well, ladies. If you want to tell me something, or need to express how you feel, let me know up front and starkly. I won't be offended or shocked; quite the contrary, I'll commend you for your honesty and courage. OK? 8)
Why would someone fail to express his/her disinterest in a person and "leave them hanging", and make up stupid excuses why they can no longer communicate or be with a person? That has happened to me a number of times, and I'm frankly tired of it. Playing games with people's emotions is not the way to go about life, ya know?
Ye gods, if I could only meet people who aren't like the woman in this "story", who are up-front, honest, rational, and cognizant of other's feelings in terms of "hey, maybe I should just break it to him/her honestly and save him/her the grief and trouble of trying to figure out what they did wrong...".
I must tell you, I did this inadvertently once with a woman I was communicating with online; she apparently thought I wanted to be dating partners, but I just wanted to be friends first for awhile. Henceforth, I failed to communicate with her for about 3 weeks, and she was very upset about it. I couldn't understand why until I thought about it for awhile, and this "story" just puts it into even more perspective.
Please don't do this sort of thing to potential dating partners; always express your interest, or lack thereof, in them up front and honestly. Likewise, if you want to be platonic friends during the first stage of the relationship, then put that up front as well. It'll feel much worse for both parties if honesty and maturity aren't used in the situation.
|
|
|
Re: Dear Aspie: Letting go (Score: 1)
by jdoll Tuesday, July 24 @ 04:07:44 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I think you should let it go. She might think that you are a stalker. I think you could be a nice guy. However, she may not realize that your intensions where right. |
|
|
|
|
|
