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My birthday is for everyone else
Posted on Monday, November 27 @ 13:32:20 EST by | 
When kids are little, they go to all these birthday parties, first for the kids of their parents' friends, then for their classmates, then for children they actually have something in common with (or who's parents made them invite them). And of course, if one is invited to a party, they have to invite the birthday kid to THEIR birthday.
This is when birthdays START being for everyone else. Most autistic kids really don't care for watching other people open presents-anyone who understands this, really, enlighten me, it's so...voyeuristic-and party games are pointless.
Kassiane Sibley
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The hats are uncomfortable, the cake is oversugared, and by the end of most childrens' parties NO ONE is having fun because everyone is either in tears, bored, or hyper and wild. The birthday kid, at least if I'm that birthday kid, is usually hiding somewhere. Or in time out for not being a good sport when losing at musical chairs-I maintain that my butt hit that chair first. Or already being forced to write thank you notes before the parental unit forgets what was given by whom. And really, who enjoys "goodie" bags? What's good about them??
Around high school, the mandatory parties stop. For me this was a huge relief, since I hated every party game except twister-which I always won, and which stopped being fun when no one would play me. But this is when friends start SURPRISING PEOPLE with crap on their lockers or in their lockers. ACK! I about had a heart attack the first time there was stuff on my locker that I did not put there, and when there was stuff IN it, I had to LEAVE THE BUILDING and come back in. Change And Surprise Are Bad. Even seeing them on OTHER people's lockers distressed me because it was a change in the hallway. And of course, when the autistic student has found friends...surprise parties.
Surprise parties are the worst thing ever. Everyone is all secretive and they take you somewhere and then SURPRISE! They give you stuff you may or may not want, and all THEIR favorite stuff is there. Oh boy, pizza. I have celiac disease, gee thanks. Wow. Video games and Magic, the Gathering. I'm autistic, not a stereotype. Yes all my friends were guys, but that didn't mean *I* was a stereotypical nerdy guy who was in Scholastic Bowl. Just...most of that. Ooh, take me bowling with the flashy lights, my epilepsy is gunna go for that one. Happy friggin birthday.
Then...adulthood. It gets worse. Why? Because not only do they drag you bowling or to philosophical and apologetical video game pizza filled nights, they can drag you to BARS. This may be some people's cup of...whatever you drink, but
a) bars are loud
b) a lot of us take medication, so no alcohol
c) just the SLEAZE factor involved.
Maybe this is just the girl in me, but on my birthday I do not want to be the one sober person in a room while a bunch of drunk guys try their lame lines on me. It's sad, pathetic, an interesting study in human behavior, but there are 364 OTHER days a year I can do that too! I do NOT want to go line dancing, I have done that before, enjoyed it, and moved on-besides, drunk people never see me or get mad when I out dance them. I do not want to go sing karaoke if more than half the room is drunk and heartsick, because it's just depressing to watch. not funny. Depressing. In short, NO, I will not be amused at ANY bar, and any place that calls itself a 'club' is out because it's a glorified bar with a dance floor and seizure lights. ERs are off limits on my birthday.
So do people listen to me? No. That's why my birthday, when everyone else has a grand old time, is for everyone else.
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Buddy Monday, November 27 @ 15:03:59 EST
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I feel your pain, I have the deepest sympathy for you. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Louise Monday, November 27 @ 18:15:28 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | This is why we need to hammer it into people that when we say something, we _mean_ it. Friends don't accuse friends of lying when said friends insist they don't want to go somewhere flashy and noisy to celebrate numerical milestones in their continued existence. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Wind_Drinker Tuesday, November 28 @ 01:19:18 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | This is why so called NTs never get it. When I say yes I mean yes and when I say no I mean no. I guess they'll never be able to communicate in an honest straight-forward manner. Then they get upset at you because of their own short comings. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by androidbeing Tuesday, November 28 @ 17:23:20 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Who is Kassiane A. Sibley? |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Flow Wednesday, November 29 @ 15:52:06 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | On my birthday, the lacrosse coach, and one of the other girls on the team baked me two cakes. They know I never eat at school, because my "friends" always accuse me of being aneroixic, or they complain that my bites are too small for me to taste the flavor of the food. Now they want me to eat cake at practice, after running! Cake is so sweet that it is disgutinhg. Also thier cakes were covered with food coloring. One year my mom got me a birthday cake with blue dye on it, and I got to spend my whole birthday sick. Birthdays make me sick!
Don't forget about the presents. Every year I tell my grandma not to buy me presents, and every year she buys me presents. She says she likes to buy me presents. Last time I checked it was my birthday not hers. The presents are supposed to be for me not her. It's not that I don't like getting free stuff, it's just that she always ends up getting me the exact clothes that I hate. I'ld rather get nothing. What about me on my birthday? |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by NateSean Friday, December 01 @ 11:08:10 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.cafepress.com/thestreetreader | | I sympathize one hundred percent on this one.
Of course, my mother has never forced anything on me, which I'm grateful and possibly very lucky for. No birthday parties or anything. I didn't care for crowds.
But on my 18th birthday in high school they insisted on posting my name on a big banner at the library, even though I essentially threatened them with a slow and painful death if the words "Happy birthday" were so much as uttered.
If I wanted it advertised I'd have done it myself.
*sigh*
Such as the world ruled by NT's. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by darkenergy Sunday, December 03 @ 06:47:00 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Straight from the heart. You have 200% of my sympathy.
And indeed, it's not just birthday parties, but all those 'social gatherings' where one is supposed to act 'social' and 'tie in' with 'the group', which is not your group, and you don't see why it should be, and you know it can only be so with a great effort on your side, which in the end remains phoney.
Parties at a younger age aren't the worst. Being 'social' in later professional life is clearly worse, because it can have very practical consequences, if you unfortunately happen to get into the wrong kind of job where what we think of as social superficiality plays a big role. (At the office they want me not just to join in a phoney Christmas party, but are pressuring me to partly pay for the expenses as well...)
I read two articles here on WrongPlanet - "Gregarious Humans: the need for friendship" and "The Secrets of Successful Smalltalk". They're good! They won't change the world, but keeping in mind what is said in those articles may help improve your relationship to your own outside social world a bit. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by cwistomoweina Monday, December 04 @ 20:41:20 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.flickr.com/people/cwistomoweina/ | | I know what you mean!!!
this is my first day and first post on this site
I had the best birthday this year because I spent the day volunteering at an organic food festival on a farm
the whole day was sunshine, veggies and compost.
my family stopped by and we just ate
I hate how birthday parties are so self centered. I would feel so awkward when my mom would make me have them, like I was making people celebrate my life.
It's just a day like any other day
I just want to do something enjoyable on my birthday, not be around a ton of people.
but I do like cake...a lot |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Enigmatic_Oddity Monday, December 11 @ 05:10:09 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Er... what is the point of this article? This is more of a rant, and would be better off in the forums.
I hope this sort of view view isn't endorsed by WP. Do we really need another site of autistic spectrum malcontents (ie. AFF?). If we want to complain about something, at least let's make it something worth complaining about. So your friends and family haven't been giving you the most fulfilling birthdays ever? Big deal. At least they're making the effort.
All this whinging is bringing out the ugliness in you Kassiane. Why not turn all that complaining into something positive, something that might even resemble advocacy for once? (since you consider yourself an advocate). |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by gnulinuxman Monday, December 11 @ 18:56:02 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I understand how you feel. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by CockneyRebel Tuesday, December 12 @ 06:39:03 EST
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | If I want a big party, than I'll have a big party. I don't like the idea of people making up a party for someone who feels uncomfortable around people. If I don't want a big party, than let me spend my Birthday in peace. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by WurdBendur Monday, December 03 @ 19:24:58 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I've avoided most of this by simply not having friends most of the time.
I don't mind a good quiet bar, though. We have a nice "conversational bar" here that's pretty empty on Thursday nights (because everybody is celebrating Thirsty Thursday at the more popular places, which are too noisy for me). Though if I'm going to drink, I'd much rather just have a bottle of rum and the few friends I've got in the comfort of my own home. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Bassik Tuesday, December 12 @ 17:25:39 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | You are absoluteley right, and I feel the same way. But see it from their side, they believe they do you a favor. That they are incapable of listening is their fault.
I have luck, I once had a talk with my mum about it when I was young, and she asked me what I would like for my birthday instead. Now, we go to Bobbejaanland (themepark in Belgium) every year, and I get to take my friend (just 1) with me.
This year we didn't go.
It took a while for me to get over it, I'm affraid.
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Legalize_Freedom_Now Saturday, December 16 @ 17:48:32 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | My problem with birthdays/christmas is the fact that people always get me things that I neither want nor need. My mom still gets me toys! I stopped playing with toys over ten years ago. Also, computer games from the bargain bin.. argh! I want to write out a long list of things that I do and do not want, but I'm afraid of hurting peoples' feelings.
At least nobody makes me go anywhere; I've made it perfectly clear to everyone around me that I am not a socialite. Oh yes, that's what I want to do! Hang around a bunch of NTs to whom I have absolutely nothing in common with! Awesome times! [/sarcasm] |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 2, Interesting)
by Kelley Sunday, December 17 @ 20:49:17 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | This is such a wonderful site, you guys are great! I found this heartfelt story when I was doing a search for ideas for an "alternative birthday party" for my 4 year old autistic son. He'll be 5 on January 16th and like you guys, he's just not into the traditional birthday parties. He does not see the point nor the concept of such an event. I wanted to do something that would be an enjoyable day for him, as he doesn't get into the presents, singing, or party games. We don't have a lot of money, but I was looking for some creative ideas to celebrate his birthday. We want to make it a "special day", but a "special day" for him, no one else. Could any of you possibly give me some ideas or pointers on what to do for him? I would really appreciate it.
I thought about taking him someplace he really loves, like swimming or a big fish aquarium and then him having his favorite dinner at home, with just a few people over. I wonder if it's in bad taste to ask people instead of bringing presents, to help pitch in for the cost of whichever event we take him to?? He'd find that so much more enjoyable and there's no pressure on him to have to sit and listen to singing, being forced to open presents while everyone watches and snaps pictures, or having to play lame party games he won't enjoy.
What would be an ideal birthday for one of you? My husband and I are in a similar boat. He is an undiagnosed Asperger's and I have issues with being in the spotlight. Last July, I turned 30 and my friends and family threw a surprise party for me. While it was nice and very thoughtful of them, I was very uncomfortable and had a difficult time looking people in the eyes, especially when all attention was focused on me. I found myself staring at the floor instead of beaming at everyone around me. I do not like being the center of attention. It was also difficult on my son who was in an unfamiliar place and was surrounded by a large group of people. If it's this hard on me, I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for him!
Thanks in advance and sorry for the long-winded post!
Kelley |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by SteelMaiden Friday, December 29 @ 17:22:32 EST
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.fictionpress.com/~infinityplusone | | I understand what you are going through. I have not had a birthday party since I was 12 because I hated them so much. I have a strange form of overexcitability which prevents me from eating so many different foods (basically I have to eat as natural as possible), which means that at parties all I can drink is water and all I can eat is any trace of fruit, or perhaps any vegetables that are put out to be dipped into things (except I cannot eat the dips). Although I do not have epilepsy, I do get panic attacks with the lighting conditions in parties.
You must not let people push you over and force you to go to parties. If you cannot stand them, then stand up for yourself! I have birthday parties with my parents, and my parents only. Its much better that way. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Mariah918 Tuesday, December 19 @ 23:00:27 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Hey, you are so right about birthdays. They always suck no matter what happens. I would rather just stay home and relax for my birthday but some people just don't understand me and do stuff for me anyways. *Mariah |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Sappho Friday, January 26 @ 14:04:18 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.HealingGrove.com | | Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I am happy I was born on Dec. 25. Only one day of getting things I don't like, although to be fair, my mom's choices were good half the time, and I enjoyed getting or making things for my family.
The good thing about having an Aspie parent, is that MY sons never had to wear clothes they didn't like, or suffer through parties if they didn't want to, or be forced to say thanks for gifts they hated due to familial cluelessness. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Timelady Friday, November 09 @ 15:33:06 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I don't mind parties at long it isn't disco. I grew up going to parties, but when I had parties, when at primary school> I invite the people the people I want, when it's there turn, I don't get invited. That why I'm not sure having a 16 year old party next year. I enjoy getting presents, having to open the paper (I like ripping), I hate the dancing part because it's boring and embarrassing, my parents don't take me serious. I hate wearing the clothes because of the comfort and music is too loud. I don't mind parties with Aspies because they understand. Parties are not my all time favourite hobbies. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Kurtz Wednesday, November 07 @ 23:00:53 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | You are hilarious! What a wry sense of humour you have. Great post.
I like your little braid, too. Subtle, but individuating. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by PowerGirl Saturday, October 13 @ 22:57:13 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I hear you. The parties I end up going to become stressful for me because I usually don't know a lot of people and there's often loud music (I HATE loud noises, I'm supersensitive), there are sometimes bright lights from cameras taking too many pictures (Don't you just HATE that? The lights HURT!! My eyes are supersensitive), and if it's at someones house, there's a good chance that I'll spend most of the party avoiding the dog and making sure it doesn't touch me with its nose, tongue, and/or paws (SCARY!!). I would never want to step into a bar or club. There's too many people and too intimidating. The best present for me is to just take me to a nice, quiet bookstore for a day or even better, leave me home alone all day and I'll do my own thing while everyone else can leave me alone and do what THEY want. I hear you, Kassiane, I hear you. -PowerGirl, Aspie |
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Birthday Alternatives (Score: 1)
by TeacherLisa Tuesday, October 09 @ 10:00:07 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I work in Special Ed. I work with several kids who have severe autism and several other kinds of developmental disabilities.
When I first met my boyfriend's kids, I noticed a few things about his son that made me think. He's excessively intelligent, but will not socialize. He has a few friends, but these are people he has known for many many years. The short version... I believe he has Asperger's.
His mother is resistant to getting him tested because she thinks he's just shy. Since I'm not his mother, I can't do anything about it and since she has custody, his dad really can't either.
When we first met, his dad was still trying to think of ways to throw him a birthday party, etc. At first I thought it was simple social anxiety. But as we moved on, I began to realize there was more to it. I let my boyfriend know that what we really needed to do was let his son decide what he wanted to do for his birthday. Even if all he wanted to do was go to McDonald's and have a (and this is how it must be said) hamburgerketchuponlyfrenchfriesandacoke.
His mother still insists on having a birthday party for him and when she does, he usually goes into the house and watches TV while the rest of the guests are sitting at the table.
I really wish parents and friends would realize that insisting that someone do something for what is supposed to be their OWN event is rude and uncalled for. He has more fun going to eat somewhere of his choosing and going to the toy store to pick out his own present. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by RachelLugiagirl Wednesday, February 07 @ 14:42:24 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Birthdays started for me at school when someone invited me to theirs and I invited them back, we played spin bottle with my brother and sister, but they ended when 3 people I invited left afterabout 1/2 an hour when I was about 15. I hate disco lights too and have never had a disco, parties for me are about family, friends if any and your favourite music. You can go out but I prefer being in. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by c_plante Thursday, February 22 @ 12:01:42 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I 100% agree.
I'm a celiac/Aspie too!
The smell of pizza alone is enough to send me to the bathroom (I'm one of the lucky hyper-sensitive ones)
And as for gifts. I don't care to receive them, but I know that people want me to react surprised or happy, but how do you fake it? Gee thanks for... Whatever this is, I'll use it in front of you now... Bye. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Happy13 Saturday, March 03 @ 21:56:07 EST
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.myspace.com/happy213 | | A birthday is not only for the person born that day. After 16 hours of labor and over 30 stitches in unmentionable places, I have every right to celebrate each and every birthday my children have. If my children do not want to be involved or do not want a party and want to spend the day quietly, that's fine by me. They every right to spend the day as they wish; however, I like to celebrate the day I was introduced, albeit painfully, to such incredible human beings. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Informatik Sunday, March 04 @ 15:27:00 EST
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://web.mac.com/johnmvore | | Hi Kassiane,
I really appreciate you writing this. Having only been diagnosed in Sept 2006, I am still back-tracking through my life and finding things that "fit" this new self-understanding. I'm 42, so there's lots to resituate with this new paradigm.
I love knowing I have Asperger's, by the way. Though the first months were rocky, it keeps allowing me to make better and better sense of my own life. :)
Your note reminds me of 2 things that I have done in the past:
(1) I began a tradition of taking my family out on my birthday and paying for it, a way of turning the tables around and saying it really *is* about everybody else. Kind of like what you are saying, but a different perspective.
(2) When I was growing up, alcohol was abused in my family. So on my 21st birthday, I asked everyone to not drink. This created a lot of problems in the family, some of which persist. It killed the tradition.
It's your day, of course, so you get to decide how it plays out. These days, I like birthdays and holidays alone--and family stuff one-on-one.
Take care,
-Michael
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by catsarenice Monday, March 12 @ 06:05:55 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | ugh sorry you had to deal with that... I remember as a kid I'd cuss people out that tried singing at me. Nobody really got the point that I hated parties until I insulted everyone so badly that they didn't want to come back. Mission Accomplished.
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Zafnar Thursday, March 15 @ 10:07:41 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Why can't you do what YOU want to do on your birthday? Is it impossible to tell people when they come and take you to a bar that you can't go, that you really would be happier at home? You can do anything you want, it's part of the ritual of your birthday for some reason. Last birthday I went to EPCOT and spent over an hour in the Imagination! pavillion, mostly playing in the fountains outside and with the characters, because that's what I wanted to do. And someone says, "I want to go have lunch at the Land pavillion," and I say, "I'm having lunch later at the MK, I can't go in the Land because there's nothing there I can eat. You have fun, I'll be here for another twenty minutes anyway. I'll go on that ride again. Do you have my earplugs?" |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by poopylungstuffing Friday, March 16 @ 17:46:42 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) http://www.myspace.com/poopylungstuffing | | For the last few years I have had a "Leo Party" on my birthday..(i help run an art/music venue)
Leos get in for free...get free t-shirts and other gifts..I make the shirt and the cake and round up various "Leo" gifts...it can be stressful for me..but it's better than having a bunch of attention focused on me..There are alot of people in my immediate peer group who have my same birthday or are a day off...weirdo eccentric musician...it's fun... |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by MarchViolets Saturday, April 14 @ 22:53:28 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I entirely disagree with this post, and a lot of the comments on it. For one thing, my birthday has never entirely been about me. Yes I was born, but who gave birth to me? That’s right, so I dedicate the day to her in my mind, and if she gets a little joy from giving me a present, then, however nervous/embarrassed I feel, I try to take joy in seeing HER joy, as should all of you!
If your friends spend their valuable time arranging a birthday party, to throw it in their face and tell them you don’t like it is simply rude. Obviously, if you are uncomfortable for genuine reasons, such as epilepsy/lights/too noisy/too many drunken men, then that is entirely fair enough, but there are ways to discuss these things properly.
Also, since when was it important what your presents actually are?! Someone posted a comment saying:
”Every year I tell my grandma not to buy me presents, and every year she buys me presents. She says she likes to buy me presents. Last time I checked it was my birthday not hers. The presents are supposed to be for me not her. It's not that I don't like getting free stuff, it's just that she always ends up getting me the exact clothes that I hate. I'ld rather get nothing. What about me on my birthday?”
Whether or not you like the clothes your granny got you should be the last thing on your mind, how about the fact that she took her time choosing it, spent her few hard earned pennies on it and then put herself out on a limb to actually give it to you, only to have it thrown in her face. It is spoilt, ungrateful and immature to refer to a gift as “free stuff”, and I’m actually sickened by some of the attitudes displayed here. I would do anything to actually HAVE a granny at all, and any presents my granddad gives me are deeply cherished. Life is short and a few minutes of my discomfort are obviously joyous for him, I take great joy in bringing an old man a little happiness.
Whilst I absolutely dread my birthday, and can truly empathize with people’s discomfort, the way in which some people have expressed themselves here make it clear that this is as much a question of basic manners and attitudes, as it is anything to do with NTs not understanding us. I would be ashamed to express myself in the way that some of you have. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by sarolie Sunday, April 15 @ 15:36:25 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | i agree with enigmatic oddity. stop complaining! your birthday is supposed to be for everyone else. you're celebrating the anniversary of day you were born, your life, and your friends and family that make your life what it is. so what if you don't get every little thing you want? you should be glad someone is putting the time and effort to make it a fun day for you. wherever they "drag" you, have fun because you are with them, not because you feel good about winning twister. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by BlueSwan Wednesday, May 09 @ 15:29:06 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.kayreeve.blogspot.com | | I stopped taking my son to birthday parties by the age of 7 for all the reasons above. It's not fair on him. No one else matters. This year, the family had a large family disco/party where my husband and daughter went while I stayed home with Matthew. We watched a video and had fun. They came home later complaining what a bad party it had been. Aren't they all?
As for surprises, my AS son when asked what he wants for his birthday or xmas will always say "Just a surprise."
This sounds odd/cute/unusual for a 12 year old, but it's because he never knows what he wants and is not good at making choices. He is always courteous enough to look happy with what he gets, but we are also careful in what we get him too. The only time he EVER asked for something was age 5 when he wanted a teddy for xmas. He still has it in his bed.
Here's to lots of happy birthdays to you all in the future! Plan your day your way ;-)
Regards
Kay |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by tomamil Friday, May 18 @ 05:03:37 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://my.opera.com/tomamil/blog/ | | during my birthday, i was always aside and the adults came and congratulated me, gave me a present and went to a different room to smoke and have a chat with my mother lol
now i live abroad and although i could be visiting my family more often i go there only once a year for Christmas. (usually i don't like the presents i get, so on Christmas i buy a present for myself.) therefore, i spend the birthday alone, the people in my current country don't even know when my birthday is. so nobody bothers me with that. and that's the way i like it. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Cryowolf Wednesday, May 23 @ 13:12:59 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I completely agree, everytime it is my birthday I am expected to act a certain way that I am uncomfortable in. People expect me to invite them for dinner and throw a party, then if I don't they might show up unannounced which makes me nervous because I wasn't anticipating it and it's an unplanned interruption into my day.
When I was a kid I never really wanted birthday parties either because it was never about me, there was always the whole thing about "Ok throw these bunch of kids together and now entertain everyone but me."
After I turned about 11 or so I stopped having birthday parties and just invited a friend or two and we went to aqualand or something fun. When I was 14 I just stopped having birthday parties all together, but family still insisted on showing up; boring me to death for a few hours as they sat at a table talking about the "old days" and left me sitting there giving a fake smile.
Now I have given up in trying to "sugar-coat" my no, and I just say "no, piss off I don't want you to come." and that's just about the only way someone will listen, if you throw in an insult! I don't know if this is typical of NTs but why is "no" so hard to understand? I wouldn't say no if I meant yes, or if I meant maybe...No is no, there is no rocket science involved - no ultimate mathematical equation to the question of life...It's two letters, "no". |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by frazzledgecko Wednesday, May 30 @ 06:44:09 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I haven't had a birthday party since i was 5,..
my 5th birthday was horrible, and my mum realised i'd be a a lot happier having a quiet birthday,...
and now with my boyfriend on my birthday we do whatever I feel like doing, eat whatever I feel like eating, whether it be traditional birthday foods or the same thing i had yesterday and avoid people that sing happy birthday.....
*shudder*
and most people by now, though they still invite me to parties, don't actually expect me to turn up... |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Eudevie Saturday, June 02 @ 00:44:53 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I'm Thankful my parents didn't throw that big of parties for me. biggest one was when I was what, 6,7? They hired the Pink Power Ranger to show up. and back then, Power Rangers(Original series) was one of my favorite things. As I got older it was mostly just a family gathering, and me,my brother, and my 2 cousins would go off and play somewhere.(finger-sword fighting or Video games, etc.) and if I got bored with that I went and Listened to the adults for a while. I actually *liked* listening to them BS.
Though, I agree about party games...They are actually a bit "Rigid" for my liking. Not everybody cares for them...Though Pinatas are always fun.
as for presents, after a certain age they just started giving me gift cards and money, and a small gift bag with some small stuff in there:Chocolate, goofy socks, body wash(Which I liked until one year I turned allergic to them. They made me itchy. :( ), small toys...
Though, One of my aunts knows what I like very well. My cousin is into anime as well, so that aunt knows what I would like. :D |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Phalkyn Thursday, June 21 @ 13:14:53 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Yes, birthdays are for everyone else. They are actually not about you celebrating you. It is a day for other people to celebrate your birth. It is a day that they attempt to let you know they are glad you were born. Do they celebrate it perfectly or understand you perfectly or do everything just the way you wish they would? Nope. But they do it because they are trying to tell you they are glad you are here in the ways they know how to do that. It isn't perfect. It can even be annoying. Even painful. And it is that way for NT people too! But you have to look at WHY the people who celebrate your birthday do so and consider yourself lucky that anyone wants to celebrate your existence in any way at all. Because lots of people in this world are ignored and forgotten, and if you think you might prefer that, well, give it a try and see.
ALSO: you might want to pause and ask yourself how many times you don't express your feelings in a way others would like or understand. How many times do you disappoint friends and family by not getting it right? How good are you at seeing things from someone else's point of view and doing what THEY would like instead of what you would like? In other words, are you really that much more thoughtful and sensitive than everyone around you? If you are, you should get new friends who aren't such a great disappointment to you because clearly you are a superior being. If you sometimes let people down and make mistakes in your relationships and are, you know, imperfect like the rest of us, you should stop complaining and simply be grateful that you have imperfect people who want to celebrate the birth of an imperfect person such as yourself.
You know, my teenage son has Asperger's and I was going to give him a link to this site, but I think not. He doesn't need to read a bunch of self pitying articles. He knows life is hard sometimes when you have AS but he has never gone the route of criticizing NTs for not understanding him perfectly and accomodating his every difference without fail. He gets that accomodations need to go both ways, and that we all get it wrong sometimes, AS people and NT people too. We just all have to do the best we can. So I don't think my son really has anything to learn from this site. No sense teaching him to feel sorry for himself.
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Koldune Wednesday, June 27 @ 15:08:02 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I can empathize with what sound like several examples of very uncomfortable situations. I don't like crowds or small talk much, either. I didn't like bars, either, even when I was single. Pizza is okay by me, but I don't have a medical condition that reacts badly to it. Maybe I've been able to adjust to surprises a bit better, too, possibly because I've had more time to practice. (Your photo suggests that I may be old enough to be your father.)
I note something interesting, however, in what you're saying. There's a lot about what you don't like about birthdays, and almost nothing about what you would prefer instead. How would you LIKE to celebrate your birthday? What would make it positive and meaningful for you, with or without other people? Is celebrating it even an issue, in place of simply doing something, whenever, for yourself, that does not set off a number of personal alarms?
Most people around me ask, "What would you like to do on your birthday?" I've at least learned that they ask me that because they really want the day to be a good one for me, even if they don't understand readily what would do that for me.
No law states that you absolutely must put yourself in uncomfortable situations in the name of being sociable. Sociable isn't as often a high priority among those on the AS spectrum. No law, states, either, that all you can do is rail against the injustice of it. Birthdays part of YOUR life, too. What you do with them is as much your decision as what you do with the rest of your life. Hopefully, there's something out there to find that you can relate better to. Meanwhile, try not to torture yourself, either with parties you don't want or with the perceived insenstivity of others. Life's too short. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by laserwulf Thursday, June 28 @ 11:36:27 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | (first day/article read/posting here)It's such a relief to know that I'm not the only one who feels awkward opening presents in front of an audience, or watching someone else. (I still remember learning the hard way not to give a gift that you also want. It was a sweet Transformer, too!)Although my mom figured out early-on to let me dictate my birthday-festivities, she still asks me what I want for presents. (I'm 23, btw.) I've come to love the Wish List feature on amazon.com; I load it with dozens of choices so I'm still surprised, but we both know I'll like it. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Spaceplayer Sunday, July 01 @ 19:29:05 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://spaceplayermusic.com | | My worst (?) birthday experience, before knowing about Asperger's, was being told by (now ex, unrelated) that we were getting cable tv for my birthday, but instead "kidnapped" into a surprise trip to Canada! True, I had never left the country before, or flew, and did enjoy the flight (I love the idea of flying), but I didn't enjoy Montreal, the night on the town, and I was nervous around our hosts, friends of my ex whom I had never met. It was supposed to be "the bestest present ever," and I appreciated the effort, but I'd rather have had the cable than this kind of surprise! I had the feeling that the trip was less for my benefit than my ex's, who was more of the traveling type anyway. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Crazy_Ben Tuesday, July 10 @ 19:14:08 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.myspace.com/triversjr | | Kassiane, I am so sorry for you that you fell compelled to put up with all that nonsense. Or so it seems from your post. In my community, aka St. Pete, FL and my university in general, I am known as "uncompromising" and even my mom calls me "the aristocratic rebel." People know I never do anything I don't feel like doing and always say what's on my mind. It caused me problems with relationships more when I was trying to "fit in" and be part of my peers than it ever has since I took a course on existentialism and realized most of my peers are chumps anyhow. I hope you will realize that you can do whatever you like. Obviously, if your parents aren't wealthy, you have some limits (legally) but even then, don't let those legal limits constrain you! There's nothing more pathetic than rants such as yours. To my mind, they're as bad as those sorts of people who complain about their job "Oh I HATE my job..." without having enough common sense to quit or find a better one.
If you don't want friendship or companionship of any sort, than don't bother trying for them, if you do, than you have to accept that NTs frequently say, and/or do, the exact opposite of whatever their subconscious directs them to say/do. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by purplefox Monday, July 23 @ 17:08:05 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | That. Is. Too. True.
That's why I pretty much never attend a birthday party. This year alone I've missed about 5-7. Most of them are to watch the latest film... WTF?? Why make watching a film a special occasion? You never talk to anyone else attending the so-called 'party', because you're too busy watching the movie... And as you say, yes, I can do that the other 364 (or 365, depending if it's a leap year or not) days of the year.
And I never enjoy it. I suppose the birthday person is a sadist because they enjoy having envious people watch them open their gifts (lol). |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by opal Sunday, July 29 @ 03:14:24 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Unfortunatly, this was the first "article" (RANT) I read on coming to this site. Fortunatly, I looked around and discovered it wasn't typical of the postings.
For crying out loud, you do have freedom of choice. If you don't like what they organise, then tell them what you DO want. Better still organise it yourself, and pay for it, so they don't have to spend their hard earned cash on your ingratitude.
If they don't get the message get yourself another set of friends. At least they're making an effort. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by JJ96 Wednesday, August 08 @ 19:44:40 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | That is just so true, Those selfish souls, if they want something they should just throw their own Party! I totally Agree.
JJ96. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by cerasela Tuesday, September 18 @ 18:51:04 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I think that I am older than you and I am amazed how good you put it, I felt all that you say and more, but I did not have a clue why I was feeling like that. Be always positive, life will get better. I went thru hell untill recently, I am 37 now and FINALLY it is getting better. I have a beautiful daughter, I could not stay married to her Dad, but that's the way it is. You will find joys and you will have more independence to do what YOU want and feels comfortable to YOU. You are a super beautiful super intelligent girl!!! I enjoyed your story. Keep your head up! The best is yet to come, I promise!!! Love, Elena. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Deadboy365 Wednesday, May 07 @ 17:03:48 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | I do agree with what u r saying about birthdays and stuff, however there is a point I'd like to add not all birthdays are like that... I was never allowed to have friends around my house not ever and... I have been deeply upset and jealous of many of my friends because of that but that don't mean I have to hate them... because it was never their fault...
It was, and always shall remain, the fault of my overprotective parents! but I do understand their wanting to be "involved" and protective in my life but I too need my space u kno... and my freedom to choose who I'd like to stay for dinner or sleepover (if it a girl then maybe they'd be sharing wiv me unless they are my best friend - nah just kidding :D)...
But besides all that I get wot u say...
But this year that'll soon change coz my friend has organized my b*day :D and I do NOT wanna miss out in all the fun :D
And why do you say that most autistics don't like going to their friends b*day parties or seeing their friends/brothers/sisters opening up prezzies?
That would be stereotyping us!
and that is the one thing I hate about people is stereotyping!
I love it :D I just like seeing their faces when they open them and to see wot they get :D
And also... is that u in the picture?
:D
And also... I have only been to two b*day parties in my entire life... but... they were not mine... unfortunately... :(
However difficult and boring my b*days seem I will always be doing what I want to... that's what they are for! they are not just to celebrate ur life... b*days are also there because it's urs and no one elses!
Also because we live such short lives the gods envy what we have in terms of being able to celebrate our lives where they cannot because they are always there wheras our lives could be extinguished at any given moment...
For example this may have been my last message I might ever send! |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by sim Sunday, April 20 @ 20:37:59 EDT
(User Info | Send a Message) | | Hi. I signed up just to resurrect this two-year-old thread and comment on how beautiful you are. Relevantly, I also have the same general notion about the people whom, orbiting about your person, yet not your personality, react in such a self interested way.
But I really just wanted to say how pretty you are. My heart is pounding insanely right now, my pupils are dilating, and I can't do anything but attempt to explain the myriad affection I feel. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Peko Friday, February 15 @ 17:22:20 EST
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | Sorry I made the last comment so long and sorry I am commenting again. But thier was one thing that I did not mention that changed my view A LOT about my birthday. Before my last birthday(when I turned 17) I was complaining about the party and my mom got REALLY UPSET! This is because she started crying about the fact that my birthday is actually something to celebrate. I''l try to make a long story short, but when I was born, my mom put it as "you were born dead". I was born as a blue baby having a siezure that lasted for the first 48 hrs. of my life! So on that scale they test a babies vitals on, I was a 0=dead. The machine kept me alive and breathing. This is part of what my mom thinks caused my PDD/Autism, besides genetics. And fortunately, I have been siezure free since I was two months old, 17 years this month. Knock on wood. So in my case I realized that on my birthday, especially I should be grateful that I am still breathing on my own, alive, and siezure free! So I felt really guilty about complaining and now look at my birthday in a different manner. |
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Re: My birthday is for everyone else (Score: 1)
by Peko Friday, February 15 @ 17:06:24 EST
(User Info | Send a Message | Journal) | | I have the exact same problem. Every time it is my birthday I can never do what I would like to do. Which is usually nothing. Family birthday parties are the worst! Since my family is pretty big it is even worse. People come over, just to eat your food, wreck the house, and gossip. My parents do not usually make me have a family party. But we did last time. Part of the problem is that My brother's birthday is the day before mine. But he is three years younger than me. So basicallyI have to compromise every year. My brother would have everyonne he knows over if my parents did not stop him! So instead we had a party at home for our family and we were each allowed to do something separate with friends at another time. I did nothing b/c I have no friends I want to spend time with. Except one girl who can't do anything b/c she never comes to school anyway so I can't ask. My younger cousins come over and yell and scream in the basement and eat the whole time. While I have to sit upstairs listening to my crappy relatives gossip and spread rumors about the kids they work with at school! I know thats illegal/immoral but I can't report relatives. Than all my relatives give me presents which I don't want. I am usually given clothing which I never like because It is not my style, the wrong fit or fabric, I have semi-sensitive skin and I have too much clothing already. My grandmother just tells me to throw my old stuff out! What a waste and I like my old stuff! I have socks that I have been wearing since I was five(12 yrs. now) and I LOVE THEM! (Hanna Anderson socks last 4EVER LITERALLY!) Plus knowone will get me the few things I like. These are slinkies and Play Doh. All other things Movies, books, etc. I like to get myself. The only good thing is cash, the best or gift cards, which are OK if there from the right places. I find being given stuff and thanking people EMBARRASSING! So its always awkward. The cake and ice cream are alright since my parents get what I like so I don't get too sick. My nerves make it nearly impossible to eat. But the singing and attention are UNBEARABLE! My parents say we had no other choice b/c it is expected. I have to go to parties every month b/c someone has a birthday in my family every month, but October. But knowone will listen to what I want. Its like its just an excuse to torture me and have a gossip session! Luckily my parents refuse to ahve a party at home again sine I will be 18 next time. But I'll have to be at my brothers party anyway. So I can understand how you feel about birthdays. It is truelly about the guests, not YOU! |
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