Post 4145424 - (Cyclothymia is killing me)

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[quote="TallyMan"][quote="Gedrene"]What's Cyclothymia? I see what it says on the wiki but could I ask about personal experience?[/quote]

For me, most of the time it doesn't cause me any problems, but occasionally (every few years) the mood swings become much more severe and unstable. This is the first time I've taken medication to try to help me because frankly without it I think there is a high probability I would take my own life.

When relatively normal (this lasts for a number of years) in the up phase I'm  a positive person, highly creative, quite chatty and friendly and hard working. In the down phase I tend to be negative in outlook and tend to expect the worst to happen, I have little energy to do things even those that I normally enjoy doing. I tend to withdraw from people and am not very talkative and have difficulty thinking of things to even talk about. People don't generally find me to be a moody person, but instead rather laid-back and easy going. Over the years several people have said I'm like Spock on Star Trek, unemotional and logical. This must be the Asperger side of me.

When the swings become more severe, as they are at the moment, in the up phase I have difficulty sleeping because my mind just won't stop or slow down to allow me to sleep. Ideas and thoughts bombard me none-stop. My mind is like a whirlwind. When like this I am extremely creative and can do lots of work or solve very complex problems. It is like the accelerator pedal in my brain is jammed down hard. I tend to talk very quickly and be almost ecstatic with happiness. However, with only the slightest trigger (or no trigger at all) that mood can swing into despair. In the down phase I tend to sleep a lot, be very miserable and have suicidal thoughts. I am unable to think clearly and my emotions are very jumbled. I am unable to relate to people in a coherent manner and tend to read the worst into the slightest thing that happens or that people do. I try to avoid talking to people when this low because I cannot connect with them at all and tend to push people away, so I just wait for the lows to pass, usually secretly, not even telling those closest to me the severity of how low I feel.

Today I'm moderately upbeat and looking forward to doing some programming work.

The most bizarre thing about cyclothymia, for me anyway, (when it goes into big swings) is that when high it is impossible to comprehend why I felt suicidal the day before or will maybe feel suicidal the following day. When in the low state it is impossible to comprehend how I could possibly be so happy and positive the day before or that I might be that high and happy again tomorrow. It is a complete roller coaster of extreme emotions.

However, as I mentioned, the severe bouts only occur every few years. The last time I was this bad was eight years ago and led to a serious suicide attempt. I'm now 51 but suspect that I've suffered from cyclothymia from at least my early twenties. There is some blurring of the lows with depression too, something which tends to be relatively common in people with AS too. My first serious suicidal thoughts occurred when I was in my early teens, but I think they were more related to Aspergers plus clinical depression. I don't remember any rapid cycling in mood back then.

For the most part I think cyclothymia is a positive thing when the swings are relatively small. The boost of energy and creativity make life worth living and enjoyable. The lows don't tend to be that bad, relatively speaking and can be lived with.

I read somewhere that cyclothymia is grossly undiagnosed and is often considered by medical professionals to be a personality trait rather than a disorder - unless the swings start to become severe.

@FaeryEthereal - How do your experiences compare with mine? Are they similar at all? I do have periods when I feel level, like this moment in time, I'm neither low nor high, maybe just slightly on the up phase.[/quote]

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