Post 4307887 - (I think I need some help...)

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[quote="PersephoneX"]I'm so touched, you understand me perfectly. Thank you, you are wonderful! 
I'm sure I wouldn't take away my genitals, it's the rational me that says it would bring much more disadvantages than release. in the end I would only feel maimed... 
I'm so twisted!!  I'm afraid of closeness, I'm always distanced, behave "superior" and want to give others the feeling that I am above, I'm joking around, tease others and 
say things which should do nothing but prove my brilliance. Most of the people who know me and get to know me are fascinated and respect me very much but nobody seems to actually feel a personal closeness to me, probably nobody could imagine me as a soulmate. And the girls/women that found the confidence to become somehow close to me meant nothing to me. I became sadistical and threated them as if they where air while even feeling some kind of satisfaction when they were sad because of me. I'm so sorry for being so ignorant... 
and when anybody talked about sex I felt cloyed... I think it has become better in the last year though... but one reason that makes me detest sex is maybe that I don't only feel arousal from women to whom I feel a little closer but also some kind of... I don't know, I began to understand it better in the last two years, I found that I'm not really looking for a "partner" in the original sense, I'm not looking for a sexual partner (though I've of course got a regular sexual drive), an equivalent woman, but for some kind of mother character, I've always had this ideal that has also appeared me once in a dream, a bright and soft female deity that takes me in her arms and that I take in my arms that cares for me, that is some kind of guardian angel for me. And I've never found that in any girl or woman. My own mother is insane (I consider her as insane) and I stopped respecting her and feeling close to her when I was about 9 or 10. probably that's the reason. It's beautiful that you seem to have felt this when you read my previous message  
I mean, I don't really want a surrogate mother, I of course want something real. 
But I'm longing for a relationship of another level, where she's always with me and always watching over me. Where we are always a team with the same intentions. Like it seemed to be with John Lennon and Yoko Ono^^ 
Maybe I would be released if I would find a woman like this. Or if she would find me. 
((( Hugs back to you)))

Dear Awes,

You missed feeling nurtured by your mother and in fact, in a very close relationship with a woman, you would have this to some degree.  I have read some of your other posts.  You deeply want to love and be loved.  You avoid eye contact for fear that you would want to reach and hug that person, I think it's beautiful...but you fear it, maybe because of your programming that you must always keep up a facade to feel safe and superior.  Making those girls feel sad about you made you feel more powerful and safe. You are really loving inside but you have become fearful of attachment and intimacy.  I think you work so hard at seeming superior that maybe you panic when you feel that your defenses are being let down and that has to do with sex and TRUE emotional intimacy.   I do believe that it does have something to do with your relationship with your mother.  I did not have such nice parents either and my advice is to start allowing your inner dialogue...your self talk be the voice of the kind parent you wish you had and not of the insane mother that you grew up with.   You will find it easier to manifest that within relationships if you have it in the first place.  You are right that if you had it, it will release you, but, you can also release yourself so that you can stop pushing those brave girls away so you can have it in reality.  Free your mind!

Maybe you are afraid of actually having sex in some way.   Maybe it has to do with your unloving self image.   I actually believe that sex would change that image.  Then there is...Many men are afraid of performing sexually.  Here is where I am glad to be a woman.  Woman aren't expected to have or maintain an erection, don't have to be expected to know how to do everything etc.  If you are with the right person, you will have a lot of chances to learn and get over any fears.    I don't want to give unwarranted or unwanted advice, so I will stop here.[/quote]

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