I apologize if I offend in any way, which seems unlikely, but hey, you never know and I apologize in advance simply to relieve the anxiety I often feel when posting on an online forum.
I've never been diagnosed with autism, aspergers, or and other disorder on the spectrum, but a while ago after my father learned that I'm transgender he stated he thought I had aspergers. I kind of ignored it, because the thought occurred to me many times before I figured my social problems stem from the aforementioned dysphoria. As a child I was known for throwing hysterical fits, pounding my fists on the floor, screaming, and such for relatively simple reasons like being touched on the shoulder (one of my most major fits). I don't remember doing this even once, but apparently I did. Shortly after I was diagnosed with ADHD severe enough to place me in special education to improve my reading/writing skills which were far behind that of my peers. I had little success making friends as a child. I was bullied, for one, because I was a boy who looked somewhat like a girl, and perceived as stupid by other children (a sentiment adults strongly disagreed with). During seventh and eighth grade I became more shy than I remember being as a child. There were times I didn't communicate with peers on a desirable level for weeks at a time. When I did talk to them it was about relatively dull topics such as class and things like that. I became more and more withdrawn as time went on. Now I'm eighteen and in college, and still spending about one hundred percent of my time alone. I'm a bit indifferent about this. On the one hand I really want to talk to somebody, on the other I'm so consumed by my research (usually the same thing, I have an unbelievable obsession with psych topics), art, and doing my homework. I often walk into class and thirty minutes through somebody will comment on how they hadn't noticed my presence. I feel like a bit of a ghost. I'm stuck in a routine and just keep doing the same thing day after day. The routine hasn't changed sense summer sense I'm pretty much in control of my schedule now. The biggest reason I'm concerned I have an autism spectrum disorder, however, is because I have sensory integration issues. The fact I almost always hear lights buzzing or clocks ticking and similar noises other people seem to think I'm imagining hadn't occurred to me to be unusual until about a year ago, when I was trying to figure out why I can't stand crowds and turned to research for an answer. Needless to say, at the time I wasn't very concerned. Anyway, I have a lack of depth perception, and things such as shirts with a tight collar or made out of an itchy material will drive me nuts. In crowds I feel an irrepressible need to notice absolutely everything that goes on around me. Every time a person moves I know whether or not I'm looking at them that they did, as if I can feel their movement. I get so focused on all the noises and things going on that my vision gets blurring and I feel like I'm going to explode, which is when I, often impolitely, leave. I have trouble keeping people entertained when I talk to them. They practically fall asleep, though my therapist thinks I'm imagining this. I'll sometimes say something really dumb and not realize until later that it was dumb and torture myself about it. People seem to think I'm rude. That's the last thing I want to be or get interrupted as being. I've mentioned that my father thinks I have aspergers to my therapist, and she asked me a few questioned about what I thought and I kind of just said I didn't think so, when really I think I may. I'm far to embarrassed to bring up the possibility now because she doubts, as I do, that I have ADHD. I'm a bit tired of feeling alone. I'm not depressed about it, but I know I can't fix the problem by transitioning and that's an upsetting concept. I'm starting to feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life simply and I don't even know why I'm isolating myself so much when it's a simple matter to fix just by talking to someone, which I can't seem to do. I've got a million other things to ramble about, but this is getting excessive and it's time to stop. I need a second opinion, what do you guys think? Thanks for answering and I apologize for consuming your time.
20 Nov 2014, 3:05 pm
