How come I had the time of my life on primaryschool socially

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john93
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08 Mar 2011, 2:44 pm

Hi,

I wonder why I had no insecurities at all at primary school, had many close friends, nobody really hated me and everyone knew me, and most strangers were cool to me eventhough:

- I was the smartest of the class, and also showing off my intelligence, which is mostly considered 'nerdy' but everyone respected that.. people labeled me as 'smartest dude of the school' in year 6 out of 8 already, instead of 'nerd'. It was a school with many different people and ethnic differences, afaik I was the only asperger there.

- If I look back at some of my actions they could have bullied me a lot over it. weird stuff :p

perhaps it was because fighting was implicitly allowed for there is a good reason to it.. no rumoring, humiliating etc.

I had no trouble at all with finding subjects to talk about with pretty much anyone, and I was socially 'saturated'.. all my social needs were fulfilled. In fact I had to say no to invitations for social activities..

That changed as I entered high school. immediately I was labeled as nerd, weird and bullied over stupid things. first I could withstand it and fend off, but after the whole class turned against me when I spit on a girl after she glued my chair when I was to the toilet (and sat on it) I broke down. This was about 2 months after I entered high school. I didn't feel the power anymore to bite bulliers. 2 years of long term, not very severe bullying but still bullying I felt a total absence of feelings. no happiness when it was weekend, holiday, when my dad came, when It was my birthday, when I had something nice..

This absence went to a suicidal depression and now it is a slight depression. I am very inconfident and bad at forming relationships.

What happened to me? Am I scarred for life? Or do I just need to find the right people and exhaust all my burdens? Or wait a bit so my brain can develop fully? (I read that ppl with an IQ of 130 have a delay in brain development: they measure white brain mass vs gray brain mass, white mass are undeveloped brain parts, which are causing ineffeciency too ('bricks' which still have to be stacked and cemented and obstruct the area around the house). The gray mass is the full grown brain parts. The development of white mass into gray mass is delayed quite some years according to a psychology book I have here. I think asperger increases this effect as I hear many people saying it gets better in the 20ies.



Simonono
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08 Mar 2011, 3:11 pm

I'm really sorry to hear that it went downhill after primary school. I too was much better socially, in my primary school time. When I got to college, my socializing skills crashed, as if that part of me had been dropped off a cliff and had died.

Well, they were getting worse during my senior school years, but afterwards, boom! I don't have any advice, because I too am currently travelling up the long and winding road to figuring out the very mysterious world of socializing.

Last year I was very, very depressed, but I am taking medication to help my sadness (Regardless of whether it works for anyone else, it certainly does for me). Right now I have no clue what to do about socializing, I just have a theory that it will take years of practise.

I don't know if I am on the right track of what you mean, but that is my theory.



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09 Mar 2011, 9:11 pm

I think elementary age kids are just more open to the world. They're more open to their fellow human beings, they're more open to themselves, and they don't fixate on differences so much. In fact, I think they rather look at differences as good things which add interest and variety to the world. :D

Once it gets to junior high, it's about hierarchy and zero sum games and not being the odd person out, and not even being seen talking to the odd person out as if even that somehow contagious! It's sad. And I largely blame the system. In fact, a good essay is "Why are Nerds Unpopular?" in which the author talks about the typical American junior high and high school is an artificial environment, there's really no function to follow the form, it's just a small bubble with a lot of infighting.
http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

Now, that provides an opening. If you can meet the political kids, the artistic kids, the entrepreneurial kids. Doing things, whether this product or service actually sells or not, and it's not merely all arbitrary standards of popularity. For me, I'm interested in learning the skills of low-key, matter-of-fact leadership where I help to put together activities. I am not that interested in just learning the passive skills of "hanging out." But then, different strokes for different folks.

Social skills, I think it's a number of medium skills. Some things that have helped me are political activism, sales jobs, casino poker (don't recommend for money, but social skills, yeah, it's pretty good)



poppyfields
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09 Mar 2011, 9:21 pm

I also think I wasn't as aware I was different in elementary school on top of the fact kids at that age are just more open to people who are different. When I went to colllege is when I truly crashed and burned though. I think having the support of a family (not needing to be independant, knowing if I screwed up they were right there) is a big part of why. In middle school and high school I did have friends, all really nerdy folks, but the friendships were realy shallow (in terms of how much of our lives we shared with each other). I didn't realize that at the time either (well not until I was 17 during my seniorr year). High school was cliquey enough where just being nerdy was enough to tye us together but now these people aree still friends (5 years later) and I'm left behind. Having not been diagnosed till 22 (last July) I think I never knew I was different. Oh I knew I was a bit quirky and off, but I think I didn't realize the magnitude of things.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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09 Mar 2011, 9:30 pm

poppyfields wrote:
. . . being nerdy was enough to tye us together but now these people aree still friends (5 years later) and I'm left behind. . .

kind of happened with me, too. it was sad. And then I was left wondering what I had done "wrong."



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09 Mar 2011, 9:50 pm

Simonono wrote:
. . . Last year I was very, very depressed, but I am taking medication to help my sadness (Regardless of whether it works for anyone else, it certainly does for me). . .

Good for you! I'm glad it's helping. :D Now, I understand that different antidepressants just work for different people, and the important thing is to simply accept this trial and error and have a doctor, who could well be an internist or family practitioner, who's not going to blame you for being bad (and why would he or she?) but who accepts this, too, and if a medicine doesn't work, is willing to trying a second, and if that doesn't work is willing to try a third . . .



Konpaku
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15 Mar 2011, 6:48 am

This also happened with me, actually, and it's why I was only diagnosed with AS when I was 18. When I was a child, my mother had slight concerns about me, but when she raised the issue with my teacher at the time, they felt there was no need to do anything as I was "adjusting normally".

Primary School was perfectly normal for me and I have no real memories of anything unusual. It is what everyone inevitably comments on if they don't know a lot - "isn't autism usually found in children?" The only unsual thing that I can think of is that I went into primary school with the ability to read. The first one I attended, the other children couldn't read. We didn't learn anything and it was more like a Nursery/Kindergarden than an actual education. My mother tells me I refused to go back because I hated it and wanted to learn. After that, however, I was transferred to a more intelligent school in which I never had a single problem.

However, once I came to Secondary School, I hated every living minute of it. It was the worst part of my life and led me to become highly depressed and anxious. The stress also made me develop several compulsions, which lead to more teasing and mockery, with lead to more stress. It was a highly vicious circle from which there was, and still is, no escape. Teachers would offer me little support. There was little they could do.
Is it unfair of me to expect them to see people touching me as bullying? I don't mind if it's accidental. I can understand that. But I hate how it feels when people brush up against me. Ever since some pupils found that out, they do it intentionally. It sounds so minor, but to me it is very major. It's irrtating trying to explain these sorts of things to the neurotypical. I'm failing all of my examinations because I just could not care less. I wish to withdraw from the world and I care not about education and employment anymore. I can teach myself if I'm interested in a topic.

In short... Post-primary education was and is the bane of my existance.

It's pleasing to see that someone else had a similar situation to me. Not pleasing because we both suffered, but pleasing to see that I'm not incorrect.