Meeting Hell -- Any Office Workers With Thoughts?

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Hi Everyone -- this is my first time starting a thread (woo!). Anyway, I have an office job and since my therapist suggested I could have ASD, I've been allowing myself for the first time ever to just be who I am. It's taken months to let myself just be myself after a lifetime of trying to act like I felt I was supposed to. I'm much more relaxed now and spend much more time on special interests, so I come to work more refreshed and calm than ever before. I didn't realize how anxious I had been all the time. (I'm sketching, playing the uke, and running, whenever I feel like it, for the first time without turning my special interests into a Big Plan for Self-Improvement but instead just reaching for whatever I feel like, when I feel like it.)

So...I still have to go to a weekly management meeting (I'm not a manager, but there it is). It's an ASD nightmare: all frat-boy jokes and being casually deferential in that American way I can't ever quite manage -- like we're buddies and you're just so awesome. (I'm American but I find this really weird.)

At the meeting, there are a lot of dumb jokes and sudden laughter -- the usual NT bonding stuff. (Not to say people on the spectrum don't tell jokes, just these tend to be status-related somehow. Whatever.) So, the upshot is -- there is sudden laughter all the time, and it's hard for me to predict, given my different sense of humor. Sometimes I can see it coming, but that just makes it worse, since I tense up in anticipation.

Every time, I almost double over in strong anxiety that is basically physically painful. I think it's the sudden tensing up that's painful -- and the sudden rush of adrenaline. Plus, some of the laughter (from the women) is piercing and sharp and is a force-multiplier for my anxiety somehow. After the meeting, I'm drained and super anxious and I am not my best in the meeting because of it (I try to stay quiet to keep my voice from shaking or bursting into tears).

I have an HR rep who is training to be an MD and can speak to me off the record, so I told him what I've noticed about my anxiety concerning laughter in the meetings. He basically recommended (informally) I take half a valium before the meeting (uh...or coca tea...no thanks). I'm really not comfortable going on drugs, and I kind of think I may need to adjust my long-term career goals in general, now that I'm more aware of ASDness. As in, trying to find something with little to no meetings. (I'm just going to drink calming tea and go for walks and stuff after the meeting for now and spend my lunch break sketching, etc.)

Anyway, just checking to see if there are any other folks with office jobs who have thought of ways to handle these issues -- other than the usual advice to change jobs to something more freelance and email-based. It's just not an option for me within the next year or so at least, and would take some major rethinking that I'm not quite ready for yet.

I feel like the chamomile can do the trick, I mean, it doesn't work miracles but I do that to loosen up during a 1on 1

This might be bad advice, but an Irish coffee or two in the morning might do the trick.

Thanks, guys. I think chamomile tea and getting tipsy are not going to help (I know because I have tried both), but I appreciate the thought.

I was hoping to elicit some more strategic ideas about handling these things from folks who have managed to navigate office life, but I get it that this topic isn't burning up the forum right now. It's OK, just my first post.

On a more serious note, every office has its own culture, even within similar industries. Sometimes the best strategy is to not try to fit into a square hole when a better fit is 2 blocks away doing the same job for a competitor. Or in another country. Meetings and management training aren't aspie hell by nature, it's just that way if you work for Accenture. If changing jobs isn't an option, then it'll help to make a friend or two that can keep you in the loop. If an SME track is available at your firm, that might be a career choice worth considering.

Thanks! That's funny -- I have a cousin who works for Accenture and she says the same thing about them.

I'll look into the SME track. My worst fear is getting sidelined, though, which is what happens to them -- things are kept from them because they aren't seen as team players. I hate being surprised and not having a voice, but I suppose it's better than trying to fake being a yes-man when my office makes terrible and immoral choices. (I basically work at an evil corporation like in "Better Off Ted.")

Thinking back to school, I never got the social rhythm of that either: I just had a constant dialogue with the teacher and tried to answer every question, all the way up to grad school. But I learned that I could stop it if I just doodled or focus on taking really good notes. In seminars I focused on nodding and making eye contact with the professor with the goal of making him/her feel appreciated, after hearing that that has a strong effect (some told me it did help them). I guess I need to develop a strategy that fits the meetings culture, even though I'm freaked out by the loud noise.

Anyway, thanks again!

I understand exactly what you mean about the meetings.

I loved the engineering staff meetings at my last job. We took turns talking about our current projects, and usually branched off into offering up solutions or assistance to each other. Great way to stay connected.

My current company? More people in the meeting, very chaotic deviating from points, random diversions into personal lives (how do they remember all of this stuff about each other?) and yes, the sudden high pitch of laughter or grating of giggling. The brainstorming meetings are the worst.
Long meetings, I take a lot of bathroom and coffee breaks (the vp raises eyebrows but my manager understands).
Short meetings, I volunteer to take notes... It gives me an excuse to look down and not react to things (sorry, must've missed your joke, I was busy trying to capture the boss's comment about the importance of X quality.).

We don't have meetings here. Not many, anyway. The last meet I remember was about ten years ago.

As for meetings, the best idea I've heard of for speeding up meetings is to take all the chairs out of the meeting room. If everyone is standing, they are far more ready to go back to work.

What about light earplugs? If anyone bothers you about it you could say you have tinnitus or rushing in your ears or something that seems to be worse in open rooms with a lot of talking.

I think you should also reconsider the half a Valium idea. Or half a Xanax or half an Ativan. They're all the same thing, just a legal way to take the edge off in public (drinking or smoking marijuana work for some people but I dunno if that's a good idea at work).

Good ideas...I should try to be more creative (and open-minded) about these strategies. Thanks! You all are very helpful and I really appreciate it.

Today I just called in sick. Not ideal.

I agree on the SME track.

What I find helpful is Not to "just be myself" at work, but instead to be quite conscious of maintaining a professional persona. I am polite and respectful, but not a joiner of groups. I don't hang out by the water cooler. I don't pretend to enjoy the jokes at meetings. I smile and am polite and keep quiet unless I have something work-related to say.

My special interests leak in--I can't suppress them completely--so people know that I am a reliable source of information about the weather and can help to solve many problems involving technology. But I don't want to monologue, so I severely limit my expression of anything about science.

I will never fit in to these settings, but I can get by. We also have social mixers of various kinds and I have learned to go but arrive late, circulate the room a few times and talk to key people, then leave. This seems like an acceptable way of meeting the obligation without getting into trouble or wrecking myself by putting too much energy into the thing.

Hey Adamentium:

Have you signed up to go to Mars yet?

They're down to the last 250 or so. I think about 200,000 applied.

Hey Kraftie!

I don't want to go to Mars. They have no beaches.

Beaches are one of my greatest sources of joy. I don't think I could live without them!
'Also, I would not be able to visit my kids... not gon' happen.

Yeah...there this problem of not being able to come back home!

My experiences are in line with some previous suggestions:

- Focused note taking and/or volunteer to take and post minutes.

- Let supervisor know of potential need to take breaks.

Unfortunately, for me loud and sudden noises (e.g. Laughter outbursts) can be intrusive enough to punch through most defense strategies.

I changed to a SME career track, though there were still project team meetings. But maybe the meeting in your case is unusually rowdy due to the personalities involved and other meetings will go better.

I cannot stand work discussions.

Every Monday I have to attend a work discussion which includes 2 academic talks by my co-workers. The talks themselves are not so bad and mostly quite interesting. What annoys me are the “discussions” afterwards.
There are patterns in it. When PhD student #1 says or asks anything you can bet that soon #2 will do the same and they end up one upping each other for minutes, no matter how trivial the issue is. When group leader #1 explains something #2 always slightly disagrees (“with all due respect”). We even have a group leader that will say the given talk is rubbish and then refuses to explain why. I used to want and do my best to actively participate in the discussion but found myself misunderstood or ignored. Now I just keep my mouth shut, but that also feels bad. The atmosphere becomes combative too often.

These are just some examples I needed to get off my chest. In my opinion work discussions are at least as much about interpersonal relationships and pecking orders as they are about the work. Strangely, my co-workers do not seem to notice or care as much about it and remain unaffected.

Sometimes the meetings go well. Almost always when this happens it it because a good talk was delivered and the presenter actively leads the discussion afterwards.