Finally stopped denying who I am...but what now? (career)

Post Reply New Topic

I will begin by stating that I have known that I had "something" impairing me since the age of 9, despite my intelligence. Everywhere I went, people were telling me how successful I would be...how great I am going to make it in the world...graduating valedictorian of my high school and college, and passing a school record for actuarial exams, as well. I never told everyone about how I felt inside...how I was more than just asocial (just the thought of social interaction scares the crap out of me, to the point of panic attacks--I can do it with at least an hour of mental preparation), how I could not control my mannerisms and social gaffes, and how I would spend nights alone, just depressed and thinking about why I feel the way I do.

I thought I could pretend that it never existed, that everything would just "right itself" once I found a job...I played one heck of an act for over a decade, an act that involved me trying to seem "normal" and able to interact with others.

However, over the course of this past year as once one of the more "promising actuarial candidates", I find myself struggling to not only keep up with the constant comments behind my back about my mannerisms, but also my performance reviews, in general...I was slammed for my "soft skills" and my inability to be "professional"...the unwritten rules of social conduct are completely Greek to me. I was put on written warning, and I am not sure which will happen first, me quitting or getting canned.

I went to a psych, and after one session she believes I have Aspergers with a good chance of added bipolar disorder and social anxiety disorder. Work is a living hell, and it makes me sick that I am letting my parents, my professors who took such a stake in me, and my potential down. Where should I go from here?

Should I look somewhere else for work? The business environment just sickens me, and I am too poor to go back to school.

Should I apply for SSDI? My family has an extensive history of mental illness, and I had a case of meningitis when I was an infant that resulted in severe head trauma...but my intelligence has always made doctors claim that I have suffered no complications from this illness as a child. I believe I can likely get it given my complete inability to function and interact in the work environment (and inability to concentrate on work for more than 30 minutes at a time), but I would feel guilty applying for it...I mean, is my situation really that bad?

Thank you all for even reading this...I am just starting to cope with this and do not quite know how to do so.

Have you looked into treatment for the possible bipolar and social anxiety? I know a lot of people disagree with medications, but I am taking medication that has helped me substantially. I don't think you can cure mental "illness" but it can be managed.

If you think you might lose your job, unemployment benefits might be a good temporary option and give you a much needed break. I think I understand how you feel, because I don't know how long I can keep working a traditional 9-5. It's exhausting dealing with bosses and coworkers and their little games/dysfunctions... in conjunction with my own dysfunctions, of course

It would first help to know what credentials you hold (job skills and education).

Did you really like any of it? What are your interests?

For all it's worth, I'm working doing basic office tasks. It's not great pay, but I can support myself on it.

I wish I had a more meaningful job, but such opportunities (even before this bad economy) never seemed to come my way.

I accepted that I would likely never get anywhere regarding my career. I focus on having a paycheck and making the most of my life during my personal time. I stopped looking to my job to find fulfillment.

With AS, you would have an easier time in jobs where you have very limited public contact and don't have to work with many people.

You'd probably need connections... but if you're good at your job, you could try to become self-employed as a private consultant?

Thank you for all of your replies.

I will gladly explain my credentials:
--I have a BS in Business Administration with a concentration in Actuarial Mathematics (valedictorian, as well)
--passed 4 exams and am close to getting my Associateship designation
--Am 23 years old and am also unproven

I therefore have no real connections to speak of, but as I said, I have a reputation of being bright and intelligent...which doesn't really seem to get me too far, sadly.

My problem is that I worked so hard to get a good job...and now that I have this job, it has been wearing away at me. I know how to make money, and that is not really the problem.

The problem is my parents. They absolutely refuse to accept this illness I believe I have, and tell me on a regular basis that I am "throwing my life away" by thinking of changing my job. I mean, I worked so hard to be valedictorian of my college class...but I cannot continue to do this. It is literally a 9-5 job where I am under a microscope.

Yow--all that from one session? She sounds like a charlatan.

Look--you may be an Aspie. It's not the end of the universe.

Or you may not. It's not the end of the universe.

If you want sympathy, visit The Haven. Otherwise, suck it up, learn, and adapt. You are not any god's gift to the sphere of actuarial science.

Promise != Performance.

For what it's worth, my job is like that, too. My boss is overbearing, and in my opinion, abusive, but not all jobs are like that. I have had other jobs where I was given more respect. Just try to find another job, and don't give up yet, because you've already accomplished so much.

My session was a session that was dictated by me, to be fair. I went in presenting her with why I believed I have AS, and she led the conversation from there--it wasn't just an out-of-the-blue pre-diagnosis.

But the thing is this--I just do not want to put up with feeling stressed to the point of being physically ill for the rest of my life. At this point, I know that putting up with this much longer will not have favorable consequences by any means, and I have been able to sustain an income with an EBay business in the past.

CTBill, you do not know my personality--I HAVE sucked it up for over a decade, and it sickens me to open up like this. The way I am posting on this board is completely opposite how I act in the physical world--when I told my parents about this, they insisted that "it would pass" and my one good friend thought it was a sick joke.

I am not saying I am God's gift to anything, but is it unreasonable to work in an environment where you have a chance to get ahead and you do not need to hear co-workers make fun of you when you think they aren't listening?

EDIT: Can a mod move this to The Haven? I think that is more appropriate, I am new to the board and didn't know exactly where my topic would fit.

I started claiming the disability payment here 4 years ago. It gets reviewed every 2 years, unless my situation drastically changes.

At the time I was put on it, I was getting over a nervous breakdown, as a few things happened around the time of my diagnosis. However I do feel kind of stuck now, that I can't get off welfare.

There is no right answer, you have to do what you need to, to survive. I don't know there might be other help you can get to supplement your income.

The main thing is not to completely lose it, and do yourself in, your health is more important than any job.

Take care. It is much of a muchness whether the Haven is the right area for this post.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. But I may know your personality all too well.

I think you might have better luck in The Haven, especially if you consider that your problem is your parents.

Oh, and just a hint: You aren't likely to score many friends here if you keep referring to Asperger's as an illness.

See the bottom of each web page:

"Asperger's is not a disease."

If you have comorbid conditions such as anxiety or depression, you'll need to deal with those first. Then maybe the AS won't seem quite so insurmountable.

Best wishes--I hope you learn to accept who you are, and to ignore the snickers that go on not-so-subtly behind your back.

And welcome to WP!

#1. Check out the book Feeling Good by Dr. Burns.
#2. Get a coach who will coach you on your mannerisms and advise. Aspies don't like to admit when they do something that has bad consequences (like fart in public).
#3. Find a support group for aspies or people with mental illness who also have jobs through craigslist, meetup.com, local psychiatrical hospital, autism practitioner, etc.

Was reading that Goldman Sachs had a special program for employees diagnosed as being ASD where they made special accomodations. Maybe your employer could do something similar? At least find out if you have protection under American with Disabilities Act.

If you find out it's not for you, then maybe talking to a career counsellor about finding a path which isn't so stressful for you and better suited to your talents.

BTW, this discussion was linked to from twitter which I wasn't sure was allowed.

I went to a psych, and after one session she believes I have Aspergers with a good chance of added bipolar disorder and social anxiety disorder. Work is a living hell, and it makes me sick that I am letting my parents, my professors who took such a stake in me, and my potential down. Where should I go from here?

This sounds odd and I'd be dubious of this person. But the way you describe your job is exactly how I am with mine. I'm at my 7th company in 9 years because I keep quitting and going elsewhere because I always get to a stage where it is unbearable and I quit. I am never at the stage were I could get fired because companies rarely fire people if they have spent money teaching you their systems etc.. Unless the company is in financial trouble firing you is an unlikely event. They will just keep up with the performance reviews etc...

If you've been strong enough to put up a front as a child for all those years you are tough enough to stick this out and get a few years under your belt. Then you can go to a different company with your experience. Eventually you might find somewhere you can deal with.

I know exactly how you feel and it's hell. There are no easy answers. Other people can go home and forget about their day. We can't.

BTW the older you get the less you will care what your parents think.

Your parents' thoughts are understandable, but each of us must live in our own reality. Having a job where I can work mostly alone is far more important than whatever anybody else might ever think about whatever I do.