Question from an Aspie child to the Parents

Post Reply New Topic

So I know this would be viewed as socially twisted but I don't quite see what's wrong with it and it's not something I would ask my own parents so I figured I'd ask on the forum here to the parents. I live half a world away from my parents. I see them about once a year or once every other year but we keep in contact on the phone rather well. My issue is, if something were to happen to me where I was terminally ill, I don't think I would tell them. I would just keep up a facade that I was just as strong and healthy as always so that that would be their memory of me, rather than the image of me sick and dying in a hospital. And then one day I would just be gone and they would be informed of my passing. I hinted at this in a conversation with my brother and it did not go over well. My question is why would this be so bad? I mean if I'm terminal, no amount of visitation or worrying is going to change the outcome and I'm protecting my parents' from the prolonged pain of watching me die. I know as parents the right word of what I'd expect their reaction to be is not "appreciative" but I would like to think they would understand why I would do it this way.

I anticipate there will be a lot of emotional responses to this from parents and I don't mean to be morbid but it's just one of those things that flies across the mind of a thinker at some point in life I guess. Thoughts and explanations are appreciated.

I'm a parent, but I'm also someone's child, so I identify with your situation.

If my relatives want to visit me, they know where I live. If they ever decide to show concern for me again, they know where I live.

If they don't care enough to ever speak to me again, then I can only hope that they don't pretend to have missed me at my funeral, as I've told nearly everyone I know how badly they treated me when I needed them the most.

If you were my son, despite your explanation in the above post, no part of me would ever understand or accept why you wanted to keep your illness from me. It is a matter of trust and relationship. It is not a child's job to protect a parent from difficult things; that goes the other way around. I would NEED to be there for my child if he was sick, even if there was not actually anything I could do, and I would NEED to take the extra steps and pay the extra attention to spend quality time with him, even if it was just over the phone. Life gets busy and we all spend time thinking, "oh well, it didn't work out to call tonight (or visit this year, or ...) but we'll catch up next time." If there isn't going to be a next time, you NEED to know so that you stop doing that, and make the most of the little time that is left.

Never decide for someone else what is best for them. Let them decide. It is their choice to make, not yours.

If you still feel strongly about an idea, at least float the concepts by them as a hypothetical, for at least then you will know how they feel. But whatever the outcome, you don't have to understand it, you just have to accept it. Feelings are personal things; we don't all react the same.

If they love you, this would be bad from their perspective because you would be depriving them of the opportunity to say goodbye and take care of you and each other as you progressed toward death.

The funeral is not for the dead, but for the living. In many ways, the final stages are as much for the living as the dead.

The prolonged pain of watching someone die is the other side of the coin to the prolonged joy of loving someone. If you were indifferent, there would be no pain. The pain only comes with caring. If you care for them, let them have their pain, it's part and parcel of loving you.

I agree a bit, but not hide it to the end.
How would you feel if it was the other way around ?
I lost both parents, and there was too much distance to come over every two weeks when it got bad, so uhh
you do what you can and it will be little. But that's beter than nothing at all.

If my mother were to say those things to me, DW, I would have to try extremely hard not to call "BS" on her.

There comes a time in some people's lives when they just stop believing that their parents truly love them.

When I had that lump removed a year ago, none of my sibs or my mother contacted me to express anything.

So why should I bother?

Well my parents love me to death, there's no doubt about that. I understand that for a while they would be angry about it but isn't that worth it to remember their children at their best and not be haunted by the image of their children at death's door? Someone mentioned what if it was the other way around? Well I don't quite view death the same way as most people, I don't mourn the loss really I just focus on the things the deceased did in life that made them love their life and how I hope they got the most of it. I can honestly say I've never shed a tear at a funeral. When I was younger I was always asked to speak so that I could remind people of the good things that the person was able to achieve in life and how happy I was that they got to achieve that. My parents would always be like, "Make them laugh."

That sounds like a good idea, in theory, but in real life a parent would feel guilty, and think that he/she did something wrong to make you not want to tell him/her.

To a parent it would not seem like a beautiful image---it would be terrible because they would either feel like you were punishing them with this guilt for something you did to them (and then they would perseverate on what this thing could possibly be) or that you did not feel close enough to them emotionally to share this. This would also make them feel bad.

This would only be good if you had the kind of parent that had a lot of anxiety and avoiding worry was their most important thing. My mom is like this and I almost think she might prefer this, but I could not say for sure. My mom is a wackjob, though, and i can't think of any typical parent thinking this was OK.

No.
To some (clearly not Fnord's parents, sadly) the parent thing is a bit like the marriage thing reflected in the old vows: in sickness and in health, or as many old songs have it "why don't you take all of me?"



That's fine, but maybe allow for the probability that they don't view it the way your do, as seems to have been indicated by your call. Would it be a huge burden for you to let them know, and reassure your mom that you would let her know? What in that would be bad for you?

From my perspective as a parent I would be devestated if my child chose to die of a terminal illness without telling me. While I understand it's your life/your death/your choice I think you should give your parents the information. You may feel you are protecting them from the hurt and pain of seeing you ill, but the hurt and pain they might experience from not being able to see you one last time, express their love, get closure, etc, could be ten times worse for them. I know, like DW said above, I would NEED to be there for my child. I would want to do anything I could to make her more comfortable, I would want to see her, hold her, tell her I loved her, etc. Have you seen the movie Terms of Endearment? It's an oldie, but a great illustration of a parent child relationship where the adult child is dying of a terminal illness. I would be the Shirley MacClaine (sp?) character screaming at the nurses to give my child the pain medication. I would want to know, please consider giving your parents that choice. All the best to you.

No reason.
I think there are parents who by their actions give up the right to concern from their children.

There was a story my dad used to tell about the second world war. A man was wounded and expecting to die soon at a hospital in England and he felt a tremendous need to apologize for some nasty things that he had done at school. He asked the staff to get a telegram to one the men he went to school with asking for forgiveness. Eventually they tracked down the soldier who was serving in the desert in Egypt and a cable was sent back to the dying man: "REGRET FORGIVENESS IMPOSSIBLE STOP"

When there is affection and care between parents and their children, the parents should be told, but there are special cases.

I am so sorry that your family is not there for you. I can only speak to how I would feel. I most certainly have my clueless, self-centered moments, but I pull out of them fast when hit with something important. If I ever end up doing what your family did, once I figure it out, the guilt will destroy me.

You seem to assume that while people can accept your choice with time, they can't let go of the image of you dying with enough time.

But people do let go of that image, of someone dying.

My husband's sister died over a decade ago of cancer. It was hard for her parents to watch her die. But that is not anyone's image of her now. When she comes up in conversation, it is always the good memories, all the special things about her. A few months of watching someone at death's door is not enough to erase or replace a lifetime of beautiful memories. Your parents will have and hold onto those whether or not they experience the last few months at death's door.

But if you try to spare them, they will always question why. They will always wish they had been there. And that confusion might just be capable of tarnishing the happy memories, too, as you wonder if you ever knew your child the way you thought you did. If they wouldn't come to you in their darkest hour, what else have they shielded you from? What else don't you know? I think those are questions capable of eating a parent alive, not images of sickness and death. If I've been a good parent, then I feel my kids will show that by trusting me and wanting to come to me; by letting me in for everything, the good the bad and the ugly. If they don't, if they can't understand that I would want to be there, then I haven't been the parent I want to be, and that thought will keep me from ever finding peace.

Again, don't assume you can make a choice for your parents. And, again, these might be good topics to review with your parents now, while the issues are not immediate, so that both sides truly understand each other.

Having gotten to know a bit about you through your posts here, I have to say that it is unimaginable that you would do that to your child.
I guess if you had a tumor or traumatic injury that gave you a completely new personality, but otherwise, no way. You are not that kind of person.

I cannot imagine my kid dying all of a sudden, it would be like all of a sudden. One day he is well and the next thing I know, he has passed away and I was never informed about it or told about his illness. I am not sure how I would feel if my kid did that to me. I think I would feel betrayed and wonder if I did anything wrong that my kid wouldn't want me to see him or her and it was like I was pushed out of their life. But if we were on no speaking terms, then that would be different.

If you were my child, instead of feeling relief that you spared me the pain of watching you die, I would feel double the pain at not being able to spend those last moments with you, and absolute betrayal that you did that. It would make grieving that much harder.