Help! Son turning 18- Do I need partial guardianship?

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My son will be 18 in a week and I have only just heard about partial guardianship. I thought I wanted him to become more independant, but am being warned about how he could get himself into financial trouble, entering into a contract, etc.
He is high functioning and is going to hate it if I do this. He is not in public school
(online courses). Should I just teach him the best I know and hope for the best?
I don't even know what to teach him.
I would appreciate input from anyone.
Thanks

You have to go to court and convince a judge he needs it. Most states have laws that require a court to only order the most minimal infringements on his personal liberty that the person can make due with having. A lot of people make stupid financial decisions and they have to learn from them. Right now, at 18, he doesn't have credit so there are very few financial contracts that anyone would agree to make with him- basically you just have to watch out for predatory credit companies for right now, so there is time for him to learn and it's still possible to get financial conservatorship after he's 18 if he can't handle it on his own.

For starters, whether he works, gets SSI, or gets money from you, have him start paying his own expenses. Show him how much money has to get paid to who and put him in charge of that and keep tabs on it. He may royally screw it up at times but he should learn from that. Try to teach him not to spend every last dime in his account and leave an emergency fund in his account. For me, I plan my budget so that I don't touch the last $300 in my account and I save that for an emergency. Your son probably won't have this option, but I keep an additional 4 figure sum in a safe. For me, online banking helps me greatly in keeping my budget managed. Keep a record of how he manages his money so if he screws his budget up chronically you can have something to show a judge (and preferably any psychiatrist or psychologist he may have first) as evidence he is mentally incapable of managing his own finances.

What things do you feel you need to teach him that he hasn't learned by eighteen?
Have you asked him if he needs help?
Have you offered to assist him?
What exactly is it you're worried about, contractual obligations and finances?

I would avoid this sort of thing at all costs. The benefits of attempting to take control over your adult child's life will not outweigh the estrangement from your child that could result. It would be better to have a crummy credit rating than be estranged from your mother or hate your mother for the rest of your life. Credit scores can be repaired with time, mother/son relationships not as easily.

If it's finances, help him to find a credit card that has a nominal balance so he can learn how to manage it (like $500) and develop a positive credit rating. Same goes for saving and checking accounts (surely he has these by now?). I assume you are in the US (I assume that about most everyone here until I read differently). This is a great site for teaching/learning about money/credit/budgeting, etc. http://www.mymoney.gov/

Nothing you wrote makes me think you need this, and it sounds like it could create an irrepairable rift.

At this point, the types of financial mistakes your son could make don't have to color the rest of his life, so there is one simple rule to follow ... let him make his own mistakes. You have to believe that he can make them, learn from them, and know when the stakes are high enough to seek assistance. Teach him when to come to you for advice, and keep the routes of communication open so that he WILL come to you for advice. Be there for the tears, be there for the fears, but like it or not you have to let him fall when he needs to fall, because EVERY young adult goes through that, not just AS ones.

If you have reasons to believe this is necessary that you have not posted, then we can talk about it, but the goal all of us have is raise our kids to independence, as long as there is any chance that the result is possible.

Yup - I would be heavily against it unless there are very, very specific reasons for doing so. If my mum started taking charge of my life I'd be extremely angry and it would mean I'd try to get away from her as soon as I possibly could.

Offer advice but don't take control.

Thanks, I appreciate all of your input.
My instinct is not to do it, but I've been warned that he could enter into a contract, not let me talk to his doctors, etc. He is really very open with me, lets me sit in with his therapists when there has been something to discuss.
I just have not taught him about money because he's had no income yet. But I'm trying to teach him about paying bills, while I do it.
I like the idea of having him manage a small acct, or even a low balace credit card.
We had a late diagnosis and I'm still trying to figure out what I need to teach him.
But I value his trust so much, the worst he wants to do so far is get a tattoo! I don't love that idea, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

And my answer to people trying to make you afraid of those things is ... so what? What kind of contract could he enter? To buy a car he can't afford? Fine. It gets repossessed. He'll move past that. A bad job contract? We aren't a slave nation, there are alwasy ways to end the contract, he'd just have to go through some headaches. Selling his great invention for peanuts? Lol, yeah, that is the one I think my son is at risk for ... but, oh well, it was ever only money, and he already knows that I would absolutely want to review anything like that before he ever agreed to it (he's only 13 but being an inventor is his dream). And not letting you talk to his doctors ... well, so be it. If there were a point he didn't want to share that information with you, what are the odds you could do something positive with the information you do get? Proper handling of medical matters is more art than science, and proper practice of the art requires trust.

As you've posted, your instinct says not to do it. Trust your instinct. Don't let anyone scare you into a choice that would be wrong for your unique family.

Trust your gut. It's easy for me to say all of this because my son is only eight, but there comes a time we all have to grow up and develop autonomy and a private life that has nothing to do with our mothers. If he needs to be alone with his doctors or therapists, I honestly believe respecting his needs in future will bring you closer and allow him to make the choice to share with you more readily. I had a VERY controlling family and I couldn't escape fast enough. I struggled for a long time (almost into my thirties) because of it. If they had valued me as a person first and foremost I would have been so much more willing to share. As a mum I can't imagine it's an easy thing to cut the apron strings. I don't look forward to it myself, I struggle with the tiny things like letting my son sort out social situations in playgrounds on his own as it is. I think DW was spot on.

Come and freak out to us when you can't stand it, but let him go be a person and screw up. As long as you're there and he knows you are giving him freedom he will likely always feel like he has someone to go to when the proverbial hits the fan. That's such a better way to go about things than what my family did. I hope I can do it in ten years, I know they will fly by quickly.

Ominous, it is hard to do, isn't it? Let our kids fall on their own when it's time? So much easier to write than do, but you just have to.

Talk to me when my son really has signed away the next Microsoft for a dollar, however, and maybe I'll feel differently ... but, I hope not. It will be his to sign away, not my dream for him to grab. Just got to remember that. Still, I'll be a mess if that day happens!

It is the most stressful, exhausting and difficult thing in parenting so far for me, I think. Mine has started a gym class recently and got up on a tall balance beam (bless him) and it was all I could do not to run down and make sure he wouldn't fall off AND HE'S EIGHT YEARS OLD. I often think how glad I'll be when he develops more autonomy and wants to be separated from me more often so I can "have a life of my own" again. I sort of hope he does that from next door, though, truth be told.

I would really try to avoid doing this, it's a strong showing that you expect him to fail and are preparing for the worst. He could even be more likely to have financial issues because you don't expect him to manage the situation.

People really do grow to meet the situation you put them in, and he will likely have to be able to manage his own finances at some point in his life. If you take away that requirement now, I really think it will a harder skill to develop 5, 10 or 15 years from now. Not to mention whatever mistakes will probably get more expensive the longer you delay the issue.

If someone had tried to take this type of legal control when i was 18, against my wishes, It would be very temping to try and punish them for it. To be intentionally irresponsible since that it what they seem to expect, and they are stuck dealing with many of the consequences.

Have you talked to him about the issue, maybe about how you have to go about managing your own finances, how much some things you provide for him cost. At some point you have to start thinking of one another closer to equal, showing how you have to manage your own life might be a good demonstration of faith.

Also keep in mind that I don't know your son, so my advice is only based on my assumptions about people with AS/HFA, and the advice of the people suggesting partial guardianship might be the same.

Yeah, I picked his brain for a while today about this. I didn't tell him about the partial guardianship thing. He seems to be fine with realizing he needs to learn about things and open to sharing info, asking advice when needed.
The one thing he said he wants is control of his finances. He's only acquired allowance so far. But he's very willing to part with it/give it away. Some good things like charity.Or spend all of it on video games. I've been ok with that.
But he is willing to have my name on his savings acct. so I feel good about that.
He is HFA/AS. And I'm just learning about things like SSI, which I've been told he's entitled to at 18 if he makes under $1000/month. WE're in MA. (he's not working yet)
I don't know how a job will work out. I didn't know he'd be entitled to SSI, but I guess we'll apply. It's just a few things I've heard from other parents while in waiting rooms. The "you need to do this" kind of advice.
Is there a wonderful guide to all of the questions I don't know the answers to?
Thanks for the advice. It makes so much sense when you say these things

Just to repeat what I think we all know, the ability of AS individuals to manage their own affairs is going to vary widely. Some of our kids may end up needing some version of guardianship. But I think if you have a child that would require a version of guardianship you've probably known it for years, and have long felt desperate to set things up so that the child would be able to survive as an adult. Guardianship is about asolute necessity, not protecting a person from every error they can be expected to make. One thing I've noticed on these forums from the AS members is a real need to be treated like and accepted as adults of value, even if they have to rely on assistance in certain areas of their lives. It wouldn't be fair to swipe that away from a person without a real sense of need far beyond the normal range of parental angst, a solid sense that there aren't other valid choices. So ... I don't think a waiting room conversation is likely to get into the surrounding issues far enough to propel a valid choice, although knowing your options and aksing the questions is always good.

An important conversation to have, so it's good you brought it up, serenitynow. And I am happy to hear you've brought your son into the discussion. It is, after all, his life.

Is there a reason you wouldn't encourage him to do further study/obtain a degree or trade or get into a part time job? I'm a bit confused about why you would want him to be disabled on SSI just because you "don't know how a job will work out". It is again reading as though you are encouraging him not to try for better in his life and resigning yourself (and him) to a life of incapacitation and codependency before he's even had a chance to give an autonomous life a go. Is there a reason for that? Is it based on your worries and/or codependency (that's quite frank and straightforward, I know) or is it based on his disability? If he hasn't had a chance to try at all, or a chance to have a life for himself, why would you apply for SSI for him? SSI is meant to be a last chance (even after SSDI) for people who cannot function in the world so they can support themselves. It's a nominal existence in poverty. Is that all you want for him or is that all he's capable of? How do you know what he's capable of if he hasn't had a chance?

This is all odd for me as I was working from the time I was 14 years old and lived outside of the house from the time I was 17. I didn't do a great job of much of that, but I sure did learn how to be incredibly responsible and make life work. I had no choice but to do that. I think if my parents had paid me an allowance to the age of 18 and then put me on SSI I would be a right mess as a 40+ year old woman. As DW said, obviously all of us on the spectrum have varying degrees of capacity. I am glad I've had an opportunity to push myself to be capable, even if it's not been as easy for me as it would be for NT people or those who are higher functioning on the spectrum than I am. I plan to do the same for my son.

Well, once you have your own money, not money that's being given to you by your parents. It does change it a bit. Sure, I'll buy toys relating to my special interest - mostly I save up for them and fantasize over them for a long while if it's big things, picking out the exact right specs and waiting for prices to go down. But I also stop short of a lot of things I could spend on and just go "NO! My money!! MINE!! !", basically imagine Scrooge McDuck - that's me when it comes to anyone trying to get me to part with my money when I don't want to. Because it is different.

A lot of the kids, back when I was a teenager, they'd spend their entire month's pay from the teen summer work on stuff in the first few days. Then get pissed because oh, the money was gone and now they had to work a full month to get more of it. Some of the NT kids did that several months in a row, heck, some did it a few years in a row and never learned - it only took one month for me. But that's how you learn not to do that. If he has some big fund, like that was set aside for his education or such, then yeah, talk to him about keeping that in your name. Eventually though he'll have to learn. The good news is that at times for us with AS, once we learn how money really works - we tend to go to the other direction and not want to spend a lot. I know for me, since I didn't like to go out drinking, partying and literally pissing my money away, I always had more money than my constantly broke friends at that age.

If your son has AS, no, you should not get any kind of partial guardianship. You will be inhibiting him and he will probably grow to resent you for this.

How do mother birds teach baby birds how to fly? They push them out of the nest.

Your son is probably a lot wiser, intelligent, and able than you give him credit for. Most parents do not know their children with AS as well as they think they do.

If you are concerned about contracts and money, tell him most contracts are legally binding and he must read the fine print and not sign anything unless he understands the terms and conditions he is agreeing to. As for money, most people figure that out pretty quickly.