Is having an autistic child a burden?

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DS5 (probable ASD) isn't a burden to me. When I can just let him be himself, he is my delight and joy and actually my favorite of my four kids.

He seems to be a burden to the school. His kindergarten teacher often tells me what a burden and disruption his talking and tears really are. He seems to be a burden to Hubby's parents. He seems to be a burden to a lot of society.

Not to me.

Society's attitude toward children who are different-- that is a burden. Trying to force him to be something he is not, or not to be something that he is, to his detriment and the detriment of our family, for the sake of the smooth running of a system and the comfort of a society that's never done any of us any favors-- that is a burden.

Those are crushing burdens that I resent the living hell out of...

...but my son didn't put those burdens on us. Those burdens are heavier for him than they are for me, and I knowthat, if given half a chance, he would look at me and say, "Then Mommy, put them down." I know these things-- I remember growing up an ASD kid.

He didn't create those burdens. Those burdens were created by other peoples' attitudes, other peoples' insecurities, other peoples' demands for convenience, other peoples' intolerance.

I hate and resent someone and something, obviously, but it isn't my kid.

I can't access the paper as it asks me to subscribe to the service.

Measuring quality of life seems a tad simplistic. Every child is going to be different and so there isn't going to be some simple contrast between parental stress + autistic child Vs parent stress + NT kid. If anything there is likely to be a type of inversely propertional relationship to where your child is on the spectrum in relation to the quality of life of the parent. For instance I've read some parents on this forum moaning that their Aspie son or daughter (despite getting straight A's, being able to communicate like adults and having normal friendships) is feeling different or somehow disconnected...really oh geez! how awful for them...I'm sure most parents would give their right arm to have that sought of problem.

For those of us with more severely autistic kids the stress levels are order of magnitude greater because of the constant fear that if something happens to us then who the 'fack' is going to look after our child.

I agree with this. My child isn't a burden. What I have is a fear of what should happen when his father and I pass. My goal is to help prepare him for this so that he can be as independent as possible. Right now, he is totally awkward, has a short attention span (unless he is interested) and has communication delays. But, he is 80% of the time happy and smiley and hugy kissy type. He is 4 now so we have a lot of time to work with him to improve himself. But until then, we hope for the best, and try to teach him as if we fully believe he will be able to live independently.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3277413/

Admire your positive outlook. Yes our little one is much the same. I'm thinking more if either my wife or I became incapicitated in some way it would be hard for the other one. But of course one shouldn't entertain negative thoughts...

That actually sounds like it was written in the 1950's when there were handbooks out there telling us women to make sure we have a warm dinner on the table when our hardworking husbands get home and to be careful not to talk about our problems, but rather fetch his slippers with a gracious smile and make sure he is comfortable after his long, hard day at work.

It sounds mad. If you're spending all your time and resources dealing with the tantrums, etc, there's less time/energy for the ordinary care giving stuff, like preparing dinner and checking for nits. I don't see how it could benefit the father to have a family in that situation.

I didn't understand the logic in it either.

Me either. Not that I really have much credence for evolutionary psychology due to it's tendency towards old timey sexism, but if you were going to go that route, I would assume the following: A high maintenance child would be competing for resources which the father would not like, because it would take time away from said cavewoman-like female doting over him. The notion that if the cavewoman has a low maintenance child, that this means she is just going to ignore it and eat berry bon bons all day or pick up an idle caveman or something, makes no sense to me.

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 21 Mar 2013, 12:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LOL - in our case, AS has been beneficial to my husband because it made him a better father. There is NO EARTHLY WAY I could do this by myself, and any woman or man who is struggling with a special needs child without help has my absolute admiration. It is a LOT of work; I don't even realize how much until I talked to a friend who has one NT kid and one AS kid and they explained the difference in the amount of parenting work it takes. So, he HAD to be a good father. I think that's a benefit - although it is the opposite of what the article is trying to say.

All that being said, I would be incredibly bored with any other kind of kid. My son is awesome.

Speeking as a sociologist or a cavewoman (one looking in vs one looking out) a high needs child would be a burden on the family/group, taking away resourses that could be used on a low needs child. In. Some cultures, high needs children were abandoned or considered a bad omen. A man who had a high needs child was thought to have bad luck or was looked at as less of a man. I could go on but I firmly believe just because someone writes something somewhere (as in this quote) it doesn't mean that s/he has any idea about what they are talking about.

You're neglecting the "low-fitness extreme" part. Those traits aren't adaptive to anyone in the family; those are the children that were barely considered fit to be allowed to survive (and oftentimes probably ended up being expelled from the band as adolescents or adults).

Children that take up a measure more of the mother's resources are adaptive for the father (or were, anyway). A woman with a child she has to invest a lot of energy in is less likely to take up with another man (less likely even to be of interest). Less likely to light out on her own if she feels she is being mistreated (we are definitely NOT the first culture to come up with the idea of divorce). Less likely, in so many ways, to be anything other than a good and faithful chattel.

A lot more?? Not so much. Diminishing returns.

But you have to understand, it's only been since the Catholic Church started disdaining infanticide that more and more of those children started getting out of childhood alive.

Reading that abstract made me sad and tired. The same old shit-- a broken neurotypical, unfit for survival and reproduction, certainly shouldn't have passed her maladaptive genes down to another set.

All I can offer in my defense is that, at the time, I thought I was not so bad. I wanted them. I love them. I still think they are beautiful little beings.

Of course he isn't a burden, instead I ever felt inadequate to raise him.

From the position of evolution, human society (at least western) is now capable of ethics, morals and reasoning in responding to having children with high needs. We are well beyond the caveman era when a child with high needs would have been left on the tundra for the wolves.

However there reamins a social stigma for parents of a special needs child and for the children themselves as they reach adulthood. In a society where we are taught to strive for perfection and encouraged to compete and excel, a person with autism faces a bleak future if they are forced to fend for themselves.

I'd estimate that almost every male person I knew in school growing up would use the word 'ret*d' as a form of insult. I could recall a dictionary of abusive terms to describe children with social handicaps that aren't worth repeating here. There still remains an undercurrent in society that subscribes to eugenics (yes lets not pretend it's not there). Almost 90% of parents who are advised their unborn child will have Downs syndrome will abort their fetus. The decision is based partly on preventing the unborn child having to struggle in modern society and on how the parent percieves their own lives will be a struggle.

So is a autistic child with special needs a burden? it's all a matter of perception. No parent would openly declare their child is a burden unless they themselves are having a breakdown. However in private we can quite easily contrast our lives before having the child and currently and observe the mental and physical fatigue.

No it it's not easy, but most of us persevere because we want whats best for our children, whatever their condition. I suspect any million dollar study into quality of life will not be quantifying personal resolve. Some of us are stronger than we give ourselves credit.

Any parent could conceivably say their kid is a burden, ASD or no.

If you want to live like a teenager forever you shouldn't have kids.

I've felt this too. Just the other day my mum was talkingabout two kids across the street I grew up with (we ran into the younger at the grocery store at the time and she has done so much with her life -- meanwhile I still live with my mum and am trying to get another SD to be able to get milk on my own) Later we were talking about her updates and my mum mentioned how proud she was of both of those kids.. who are now young adults one of them with two kids and happy marriage.

I'll never have kids (as I don't want to pass this onto another soul) I'll never get married, as nobody would want me. I'll never go to collage or be as advanced as the younger sister of my two friends. Made me think.. what do I have that would make my mum proud of me? I'm just a burden, when at her time of life she should be enjoying her freedom and I should be taking care of her problems.

Such a simple thing like your mum being proud of others can really take the piss out of you.

On the end note. I myself and really proud of my friends too, they are carving their own piece of this horrible world and putting their mark on it.