What do you get out of finding out about your childs day?

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Cogs
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19 Apr 2012, 2:32 am

I'm 20, still live at home, and still dont get why my parents ask about how my day was, and want other similar information which from my point of view seems to have no use what-so-ever. So, I am wondering if a parent can explain why you ask such questions and what you get out of them. Is there specific info you are after? Or is information transfer not the objective in these situations? Also, as a parent, what makes you feel "connected" with your child? (dont really understand what the "connected" part is, but my parents say things that indicate that they dont feel connected with me, but I cant understand from what they say what it is that they want).

Thanks


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19 Apr 2012, 2:45 am

I think that parents like to be reassured regularly that everything is ok with their child. So its a bit like when you check the oil level in a car, you tell them what you did, and if its all normal boring stuff then they think everything is ok. If everything isn't ok then they are giving you the chance to tell them what is wrong, and as parents they see it as their job to help you.

I think by connected they mean that they know how you are and share your good news with you and help you if you are unhappy.



nostromo
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19 Apr 2012, 3:03 am

I ask because I am interested in general in what has been happening in her day. I don't get to see what she does during the day with other people.
You could call it curiosity mixed with wanting to be aware of any issues and see if everything is OK, i.e. pre-empting problems. I get that it can be annoying though, because at 44 my own Mum still asks me these things. In fact the worst is she always asks me about my job, its technical stuff, and I can never explain it, but she always tries to delve into the details :lol:



MMJMOM
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19 Apr 2012, 5:30 am

My son is homeschooed, so I pretty much kw about his day. BUT I do ask him what he did in group, speech OT, Karate, swimming, gym, etc...all his programs that he attends without me, or when he goes out etc...

I do this becasue I want to know what skills he worked on in his threapies, also becasue I want him to know I am interested in his activities. I also want to encourage generalization or carry over. My son tends to learn something in one setting, and leave that skill there. SO, if in social group, they went over a particular anger mgt skill, I want him to tell me about it so we can practice it at home.

As parents, we genuinely want to know that everyting is ok, or if there were issues as PP said. I canrt imagine NOT asking my son how something was that I wasnt at. Just wanting to share the experiences and let our kids know we care and are interested. I feel it does keep people connected. I cant imagine my son going out for the day and NOT asking him how it was. I ask my DH how his day at work was, he asks me, etc...

Hope that helps!


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Mama_to_Grace
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19 Apr 2012, 10:58 am

As a parent we want to know our kids are doing well, are happy, and there are no problems that they need help with. We also want to know what they like, what they don't like, etc. We want to know about our kids so that we feel we "know" who they are. So, for me as a parent I like to know things like what was exciting about their day? Did something spark their interest? Is there someone they feel close to? Was someone mean to them? Is there a prolem that I might be able to help with? Is there something I could help them understand? Sometimes just having a conversation about current events can be fulfilling, as you get to know their point of view. In general a parent whats to know how their child feels, how they think, their point of view, what things they feel they are accomplishing, what their desires are, what goals they might have.



ASDMommyASDKid
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19 Apr 2012, 11:26 am

My child is a lot younger than you, so I am sure my concerns will change as he grows. Also please don't be offended if some of what I say sounds babyish, it is because I have a small child.

I ask because of many reasons. The main thing is that I care how he feels: If he is happy, if the adults and children are treating him well at school, if he is learning, if he is bored, upset or needs my help.

I ask to give him a chance to have a reciprocal conversation, so he can practice interacting with others instead of only staying in his own head. This enables him to learn how to interact with the outside world when he has to and as in answer 1, gets him better at telling me what is wrong so I can keep him safe.

I ask so he can share his interests with someone who really does care about him, and is therefore interested in what he likes. This makes him happy because others don't necessarily show that interest. It is good for him to be encouraged to pursue what he likes.

I like interacting with him. He is a fun, interesting little guy and it gives me joy to bond with him. "Connecting" with him gives me joy.



tgsapo
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19 Apr 2012, 9:55 pm

I want my kids to know that we care about them and their lives outside of the home--I suppose to feel "connected" to them. I also want them to know that we are there to support them through good times and bad. Sitting down for dinner together is my favorite part of the day...



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19 Apr 2012, 10:17 pm

The only truly honest guardian I had, when asked this question responded with the following,

"While practical concerns are part of it, it's also about finding our your physical and emotional welfare and although most of us are unlikely to admit it, it's driven by our need to connect with you emotionally much more than we would like to think, probably just as much or more so than our need to protect and guide you."

Which in my experience would make sense. Plenty of people have complained about being "disconnected" with me and it almost always comes down to the fact that we don't share our emotions with each other on a frequent basis as a way to form a connection (at least from the NT point of view).


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20 Apr 2012, 4:50 am

For me it's reassurance, for both myself and also my son, that he knows that I care and that he can tell me anything and that I am on his side. It's also a conversation starter, a way to try and connect with him - sometimes it works, other times not.


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Cogs
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20 Apr 2012, 5:32 am

The replies are very useful. This is the summary of what I have understood:
Parents may ask questions to their children about miscellaneous things such as how their day is etc. for the following reasons:
- To check physical and emotional wellbeing, to be aware of issues and cultivate an atmosphere where the child feels like they can talk to their parent about issues. The discussions resulting from these questions are used to communicate to the child that the parent cares and is interested, is there to support and discuss issues.
- The information from these discussions helps the parent to find out about the child and understand them, knowing what they find interesting/exciting, who they interact with etc helps with this. This can be used to understand the childs goals, desires etc. This results in a feeling that you know who they are.
- A component is also genuine interest/curiosity in what happens during the day, or the desire to discuss something with someone with potentially different points of views.
- An opportunity to encourage specific things and work on improving social skills.
- Parent may find the interaction with child enjoyable and the resulting connection gives the parent joy, parent may want to give the child happiness by showing interest in the childs life/experiences.
- Having a “connection” with child comes from shared experiences, interactions and caring about their life. Parents ask questions as a conversation starter to facilitate the emotional connection.

Understanding this is helping improve my response to such questions from my parents.

I just have one more question: Why dont parents just communicate their intention directly e.g. “Cogs, I would like to know about your physical and emotional well being – how have you been feeling lately?” or “ Cogs, I feel I do not know what your current interests and goals are – is now a good time for us to discuss these so that I can understand what is going on in your life?” - (obviously this would not work for younger kids), would most children intuitively know or figure out why they ask such questions as they get older?


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Mummy_of_Peanut
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20 Apr 2012, 5:39 am

My daughter is 6 and in her second year at school. When I ask about her day, I want to know whether she's had a good day, both in the classroom and the playground. If she's in a bad mood, I know something hasn't gone well, but I don't know what it is, unless she tells me. If there have been 'incidents', I want to know, so I can advise her for the future, or speak to the teacher, or make choices about changing schools, homeschooling, etc. My main goal in life is to ensure my daughter is as happy and fulfilled as she can possibly be. Anything that she can tell me to assist with this is of benefit to her.


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20 Apr 2012, 10:11 am

Cogs wrote:
I just have one more question: Why dont parents just communicate their intention directly e.g. “Cogs, I would like to know about your physical and emotional well being – how have you been feeling lately?” or “ Cogs, I feel I do not know what your current interests and goals are – is now a good time for us to discuss these so that I can understand what is going on in your life?” - (obviously this would not work for younger kids), would most children intuitively know or figure out why they ask such questions as they get older?


I think your questions just nailed the differences between thinking processes of ASD / NT. Typically, an nt parent doesn't think that whole process through before they ask, how was your day. In addition, they don't know that the ASD person doesn't just know the basic reason of connectedness, in these types of questions. I'm not addressing the multitude of practical reasons when the children are younger, as that is just way too much info for a small child. It would never in a million years occur to me that my kids wouldn't know I was just trying to be close to them when I show interest in their life.



ASDMommyASDKid
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20 Apr 2012, 10:52 am

Cogs,

That was a really good question. Your suggestion is so logical. When my son is older, that may very well be the way to go, depending on his temperament. I could see where some kids might get offended by implying that the child cannot handle things himself. Some might find a parent's rationale too emotive when expressly stated. I couldn't even begin to predict that now.

As Kailuamom said, many times, we are really asking for all of these questions at once, and so we don't think to parse them. Sometimes, there is a specific concern that is driving the question, which would seem to indicate a more specific question would be better. When that is the case, I still have to weigh in my mind if it is smart to ask the question that specifically. Sometimes I am afraid of projecting my worries onto him, and do not want to plant negativity that is not appropriate.

Your posts made me think a lot about why I communicate with my son how I do, and how my son might be thinking about the questions I ask.

Very helpful!



MMJMOM
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20 Apr 2012, 12:43 pm

aside from all that, I simply would always want to know about my kids day! Even when they are older, college life, work, family...whatever. I am sincerely interested in my children and want to know about their experiences. I might not ask them daily when they are grown adults, but I am pretty sure I would if they were still living in my house!


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20 Apr 2012, 2:10 pm

Kailuamom wrote:
Cogs wrote:
I just have one more question: Why dont parents just communicate their intention directly e.g. “Cogs, I would like to know about your physical and emotional well being – how have you been feeling lately?” or “ Cogs, I feel I do not know what your current interests and goals are – is now a good time for us to discuss these so that I can understand what is going on in your life?” - (obviously this would not work for younger kids), would most children intuitively know or figure out why they ask such questions as they get older?


I think your questions just nailed the differences between thinking processes of ASD / NT. Typically, an nt parent doesn't think that whole process through before they ask, how was your day. In addition, they don't know that the ASD person doesn't just know the basic reason of connectedness, in these types of questions. I'm not addressing the multitude of practical reasons when the children are younger, as that is just way too much info for a small child. It would never in a million years occur to me that my kids wouldn't know I was just trying to be close to them when I show interest in their life.


This is exactly right! An NT doesn't analyze WHY they want to know, they just know that they want to know. An NT doesn't NEED to have an definitive reason behind what they do-they just do things without mind to why. They "feel" a certain way, which leads them to say/do things...there's not the underlying agenda. We just tried to define an underlying agenda because you asked us to-but in reality in the moment we are trying to "connect" with our children there is not an underlying conscious thought of "I really want to connect to my child so I'll ask them questions". At least not in my experience.



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20 Apr 2012, 5:07 pm

It's also not just about how you're doing, but about sharing who you are: the things you consider to be important about your day can tell a lot about you as a person. Us parents raised our kids knowing they are different from us, but not knowing exactly how that's going to turn out. These little daily check-ins are a way of finding out more about who our kids are turning out to be.