Getting a 6 yo Aspie to talk to his Mom

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I have tried various things to get DS (6 yo HFA/Aspie in public school Kindergarten) to talk to me about what goes on at school. I have had some amount of luck if I lie down with him when he goes to bed at night. I can ask him a few questions and get some answers that actually a) make sense and b) contain enough detail to be helpful. I have also tried asking him questions when we are engaged in playing a board game or just picking up toys in his room. Sometimes I get a little bit of info but mostly I get absolutely NO response. I mean the kind of non-response that makes me feel like I might as well be on the moon or something. That is about how relevant I am to him at that point in time. I don't quiz him right when he gets home or anything like that because I know better than to expect any answers at that time of day.

Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?

Boys, as a broad generalization, don't like talking about their school days. I don't know why. When he's older and dating he won't talk to you about that, either.

I realize that makes it difficult when you have research to do, or want to child your child with something, but every mom I know says the same thing.

The thing is that there is stuff that is clearly distressing for him but he can't seem to even tell me who is involved. I get a little bit here and there but its so hard to make heads or tails of it. Its makes it very hard to make any suggestions to the school when all I have to go by are his disjointed and very limited comments.

If your child ever does imaginative play, sometimes you might luck out and have their concerns seep into it. Sometimes, if he'll let you alter the scenarios at all you can make minor adjustments to the setting and get something. I know it isn't much to go on, but when our son was at his most uncommunicative, we'd occasionally get information that way. He is better at answering some questions, now, but we still tend to get more detail from pretend play. Think of it as therapy play done by a non professional.

Can he draw? I will never forget the day DS drew a picture of himself falling on the ground, and a group of boys standing around pointing and laughing. Ouch.

You may have to make some guesses about what sort of things to draw, and you may need to be oblique about it, e.g. "Can you draw (special interest, like Pokemon or something) at recess? What happens whenever (insert special interest here) goes to recess? Maybe over the course of a month you can get an idea of where the trouble spots are in his day.

Girls don't like talking about their day either-at least mine doesn't. I have learned not to ask anything until some decompression occurs. Sometimes at bath time I might ask a question to see if she is receptive. Sometimes if we talk about her interest first and then segue into talking about school it works. Such as now she is very in to weather and I might ask if they are learning about weather at school. Things like that. Or I ask her if anyone else at school likes to learn about the weather, that might get her talking about the people at school. I have to be tricky with my questions. But mostly she just tells me what she wants to say...nothing more. Most of the time I get school feedback from the teacher at the end of the day. One thing my daughter will always tell me is who got in trouble. She will tell me in detail who broke which rules.

What Mama To Grace said is true, also. When their minds relax they'll sometimes talk about things. We don't get any information from bath time, because for our son it is active splash time. However, when he is in bed settling in of the night, sometimes he will talk about things from his day that peculate up in his head.

I don't know what your child's night-time routine is like, but you could try lingering a bit at his bedside, with the lights out, and pet him (f he'll let you; My son finds it soothing) or something analogous that he finds relaxing, and see if he will start talking.

Edited to say: Oops--You already said you do this, I forgot because I did not re-read your original post, this last time.

It's hard to get my boys to talk about their day as well. Most of the time they don't say anything other than "fine". Very occasionally they'll mention something, but don't talk very clearly, so I still don't understand anyway. We just try to communicate with the teachers a lot. They do open up during playing, so we can get bits of information sometimes.

Growing up I never talked to my parents about school either. Just didn't think I need to tell them anything. Like what? Tell them that I was late in the morning, got told off for talking during assembly, and had a fight with a boy after school. Are you kidding me? What kid likes to invite criticism and scolding? It might be an aspie thing, but I don't really think so. Some people just don't automatically share with others.

Maybe ask specific questions? I myself disliked the 'How was school?' question, no matter who asked me - I hope that's not offensive to say.

Our son is 5, but same problem. The thing that works best is what you've done already. I lay down in bed with him until he goes to sleep. He is relaxed, has no visual distractions, and has a 'warm, cozy' feeling with mom or dad being with him. We get our best glimpses into his mind during these bedtimes. Develop some 'sly' lead-ins instead of asking straight out about school. Such as, tell a story about one day when you were a kid at school. I'd say don't give up on that. It doesn't happen every time, but when it does . . . Wow, can't believe how clearly he'll share with us.

My DS is now homeschooled, but this was a source of frustration for us while still in school. I understood it was a common issue for boys, but i felt we needed to know more than the typical parent did . Specific questions (at bedtime was best) most often worked. The following are what worked - sometimes.

Who got put on red today - this was the classroom behavior management system. I would then ask follow up questions like, what did they do, what do you think about that, then what happened.

Who did you eat lunch with? what did they eat? What did you play at lunch recess? Who was there? What were the other kids playing?

Who's the nicest kid in the class! Who's the meanest kid in the class? What makes them nice/mean?

What was the best thing that happened at school today? Worst? Most interesting thing that happened? We used to ask everyone to do their best and worst around the dinner table. This is so that kids gain a perspective that everyone has ups and downs, and to practice talking about them. While I think the idea is good, we never got too much at this time, but I still think it was good practice.

* OK, first off, talking about school is equivalent to small talk, in my opinion. Aspies hate small talk. Even worse if it's one person asking questions!

* Can you go to the school once in a while? Some parents volunteer for lunch duty, maybe you can do it once or twice a month. Or are there any activities at school you could enjoy with him? Because you were there, maybe it will be easier to make conversation.

* Could he keep a journal? It would even help him with his writing
Get him in the habit of drawing and/or writing something on his journal before bed.
To keep it simple, it could be:
The thing I liked most today. (Or, something funny that happened today)
The thing I disliked most today. (Or, something sad that happened today)
Something I learned today.

You could even write your journal at the same time, so you can talk with each other while your write.
You could start yours:
- picture of two happy friends drinking coffee: "I had fun meeting a friend I haven't seen in a while!"
- picture of two sad persons: "someone at work was angry with me because I forgot to return a book I borrowed"
- picture of cheesecake: "I learned to make cheesecake today!"

Maybe you could start yours without telling him to do the same. Do it in front of him, maybe he will ask "whatcha doing?", then you can read it to him, and ask him if he wants to start a journal too.

Lead by example, I guess
And because you're not focusing on negative things, I don't think he will notice that you're trying to find out if something bad happened at school ;-P


* "For ex. I'd like to know if he even understands what the expectations are?"
Set up a meeting with the teacher. Tell her ahead of time that you'd like you to work together on getting him to follow expectations. Maybe invite her home, where your son would probably feel comfortable, being in a familiar place.

Ask her to say one expectation he doesn't follow in a short phrase. Ask your son if he understands what she said. Ask him for an example of when he did / did not do it. Then, together, write or draw the expectation on a sheet of paper.
Repeat.

Like:
"don't be noisy during class" with a picture of angry faces looking at the noisy person.
I don't know what the expectations are so I can't give more examples.

If this doesn't work, atleast the teacher can't blame you for not trying.