Advice on how to handle recess?

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So we're back to school (yee haw! ) and the first problem of the year has emerged. One of my sons (both of whom are AS & ADHD), E has found a couple of friends to spend recess with, but the other (L) has not. Usually E is happy to let his brother tag along with him and his buddies, so everyone is happy, but towards the end of last year E got really tired of never having time with just him and his friend(s). We tried to gently encourage L to find a friend of his own to play with, and it seemed to be working, but with the start of the new school year we are back to square one again, and he has been spending almost every recess alone. He says that he would rather have someone to play with.

It is rather annoying, because we purposely had playdates over the summer with boys that we knew would be in L's class this year in hopes that the friendship(s) would transfer to school. L said that he asked one of the boys to play with him at recess, but he said he was already going to play with another kid. L was very discouraged. The problem does not seem to be that the other boys are purposely excluding him (yet), but that L doesn't know how to initiate or sustain play/conversation in the loud, busy recess environment. He also has some issues with "face blindness" and while he can recognize children within the context of his classroom, he finds it very difficult to figure out who is who outside. And then if he does find a playmate, he will often lose track of them as the recess progresses. I think this is a big part of why he gravitates towards his brother at recess, he can recognize and keep track of E.

I would really appreciate any advice on how to help him. I already spoke to his teacher about it, but while she was very sympathetic, I felt that there were no solid plans to help him put in place. But I wasn't sure what to suggest.

If they got rid of recess, I think most AS kids would be thrilled. Seems upside down, doesn't it, lol?

But that unstructured time where you've got to find a friend ...

It's been so up and down over the years, recess, with my son. Right now he eats lunch with his friends, but I think he prefers to pace than play with anyone. In middle school the time is much shortened, anyway, so its less of an issue.

But last year ... One thing that helped was Lunch Bunch. Lunch Bunch took up ALL the lunch/recess period with organized game play, and my son was allowed to invite friends.

Things that were discussed but never really took off were things like having a board game room open to kids, so that they would come together by common interest instead of having to "find" someone to play with. I still think it's a great idea; would your school be willing to set up something like that?

A lot of supervision on the playground also helps, so that the kids feel they can find a sympathetic ear when they encounter issues.

Otherwise ... it's very one day at a time. My son and I would talk about his feelings and concerns, brainstorm solutions, and keep moving forward. There were years where I wondered if I should be showing up at every recess just to help my child.

Think about it, when we find out about our children's school troubles, don't they occur some 90% of the time during recess?

Face blindness can be very fun, you get to meet a lot of new people every few hours. Granted its the same people that you've been working with for a month, but they seem new.

Ok, yeah, face blindness sucks. But if your son is anything like me he will become good at recognizing voices. That's how I identify people. There isnt much you can do to fix face blindness, but given time he will figure out what works for him.

Recess is not a good way of entertainment for most people with AS. It is loud, confusing, and children often change the rules of the game whenever they want to. Its fairly annoying to try and play a game when people play so inconsistency. Furthermore, most games children play during recess are based on physical coordination. I dont know about your son, but I'm not very good at sports. Overall, its just not a very good situation.

I remember my elementary school. They had this 'punishment' system, where if you didnt do your homework, they would make you stay in during recess and do it. I never did my homework at home, I would just wait till recess and do it then. Most schools have an indoor recess room, for kids with broken legs or something. Its got board games, books, things like that. Your son could stay in there and do his homework, or play board games with other children. Its often easier to make friends with people when they are trapped in the same room with a broken leg. As I have said repeatedly in my other posts, people with AS really do well with structured games; video games, board games, card games, any game with set, consistent rules. The attention to detail and focus on their hobbies makes them excellent players, and they have much more fun playing structured games then constantly changing games based on physical coordination.

If your son's school doesnt have an indoor recess room, then you could suggest that they get one. If the school is large enough, then there should be a couple children who would prefer to stay inside and play board games during recess. If your school doesnt want to bother with this, then see if they will let him play on the computer in the library during recess. Just installing a simple game that he likes could help him have something enjoyable to do during recess. I dont know how old your son is, so I cant suggest any games, but if you provide an age, I could make some suggestions.

have you spoken to the teacher about this.

Teachers will take a mature student aside, explain how lonely your child is, how hurtful it is to be alone, and ask to let that child play with them.

One of the girls in my lunch group the one year was placed their by the lunch duty teachers who decided to find her a place after watching her eat alone every day for a week. They went around and asked groups to let her eat with them. We were a year or two older than she was

We allowed a few students on the spectrum eat inside with a teacher or teachers assistant. You have to find a willing teacher to do it. Recess is just too hard for some of these kiddos. I would ask about that and see if it is an option.

I wish autism was know more when I was a kid I think I would have had more of a break.. recess was hell for me (during my junior high years)

There should be Aspiecess. Like, Aspies can go to a room with beanbags and comfy chairs with books, and just read. Or play Nintendo, whatever.

What a fabulous idea! My guys would LOVE it.

try to look at it from the brother's perspective. forcing them to always be together at recess is unfair. yes, it'd be nice if they could be together , but that doesn't seem to be the case.
when our oldest was first dxed, i relied heavily on his younger brother to be "his keeper".....to watch out for him & help him assimilate.....it worked out ok for a while, but in the end, the younger brother ended up resenting his position & felt very burdened . it's just too much to expect of a child.
i'd address your son's teacher about this situation & see if she can come up with any solutions.

Aspiecess sounds awesome! I would like that too.

Thanks for all of your replies and suggestions. While I think the indoor recess room is a fabulous idea, at this point my son still wants to go outside for recess. Sometimes he has fun, and so he is excited to go out every day, hoping that he will find someone to play with, but then is disappointed most days, as he spends it wandering around alone.

He is 8 years old and in grade 3, in answer to the age question. And I did already talk to the teacher, but felt there were no concrete plans made to help him.

And we have not tried in any way to force E to include L at recess time. They are twin brothers and generally share the same interests, and since they are in separate classes had enjoyed meeting up at recess. It wasn't until the end of last year that E got tired of always having L with him and his friends (E tends to do slightly better than L socially...I think he's just more confident and kids respond to that) and at that point we started trying to encourage L to find some buddies in his own class. I love that they can provide some social support for each other, but we would not force them to be together.

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OK I just came back from dropping them off at school. One of the boys that we had over frequently for playdates walked right past L without even acknowledging him! Maybe I'm the one who has to just get over the idea that we can prevent the social side of their school experience from being horribly lonely and stressful?

This is another problem. Because of some speech issues, my sons can be difficult to understand, especially if they are agitated. Yesterday L went to a recess supervisor to tell them about a problem he was having (a kindergarten kid was throwing rocks) and the supervisor did not understand him or help him (at least L felt that he wasn't being heard or helped, and that is the important thing). He also has multiple anaphylactic allergies (along with everything else!?) and needs easy access to an adult who will listen carefully at all times, because it could be a life or death situation. Let alone the fact that he needs to feel confident and cared for, and needs the extra social support too.

So I will be going in to the school to talk about this today...again.

perhaps this isn't the right setting for your son ? ( the school , i mean)

*shrugs* I'm not sure that any school will end up being the best environment for him. For now the pros outweigh the cons, so we are continuing on with it.

We purposely moved to this catchment area in order to enrol our sons in this school. It is one of the best schools in the city. Their anaphylaxis policies are excellent (although of course, not perfect). Over the course of us seeking out assessment and diagnoses last year the teachers and administration were very caring and flexible and so far this year the teachers are wonderful, lots of accommodations in place and the boys are happy...other than L at recess time.

And the other problem with the recess supervisor is pretty typical of the constant vigilance that we need for stopping up any gaps in our avoidance and emergency plans. In order for him to be safe, we are constantly educating and working with the school and every year we run into new concerns because there are new staff, volunteers etc. that have to be brought on board and taught about anaphylaxis.

I didn't mean to come across as having horrible problems with the school? We like the school. I just wanted advice about what to ask the teacher to do in helping my son to find friends at recess, and brought up the problem communicating with the recess supervisors as agreement to the point that we do need an improvement there (a big one for safety's sake, was well as social help).

Hi annotated alice,

my son sound exactly like yours at recess (and lunchtime). He often says that he just wanders around by himself, daydreaming.

The school has tried a bit to help. They worked out a recess and lunchtime plan for him, which includes where to to and what to do and who to do it with. The teacher typed these out and put the suggestions on little laminated cards for him, so he can keep them in his pocket. This system could be good but it's not working as my son isn't interested and there's no constant adult supervision.

My son asks kids to play and they say 'no' so he's left by himself most of the time. The school does has some lunchtime clubs, which he does every now and again, so that's good.

How about suggesting to the school a buddy system with an older child for recess?

Temma

unstructured time periods have always been difficult for my son.....maybe you could see if the school would be interested in setting up some sort of structured recess that kids could choose to go to- like quiet board games or something

This is a great idea--I was going to suggest that maybe your son could bring a book or game outside with him so he won't have to wander around by himself. Also, maybe a recess supervisor could organize a small group game with a few of the kids?