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Iamaparakeet
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18 Apr 2015, 7:51 pm

Jackie, I bet you have no idea how much I wish I could hear your voice right now. I'm sorry I upset you and hurt your feelings with my words. I wish you'd forgive me and give me a second chance as I gave you, but still the silence instead persists and the divorce yet continues. I want us to stay together, we were meant for each other. I miss all the times you've said, "mine!" and your promising me that you wouldn't ever leave me for anything which you said the day before you went to babysit and haven't come home from babysitting yet. I miss you Jackie and all your cuteness.
Don't you remember all the ways God has provided for us? From the good weather on our wedding day after the days just prior being stormy, to the car being given to us anonymously after our SUV broke down and how strangers repaired that old chevy for free, to the timing of finding work, and all our needs always being met regardless of circumstances, God has provided for us. Even this place where you left me God helped us to find - instead of the lousier place with higher price and reviews of terrible management which we were going to go to first. If it weren't for your Amish fixation, we wouldn't have gone to the one Amish furniture store and heard about this place. I kind of liked your Amish fixation, although I don't like this shunning business. Here we have a gracious landlord whom even forgave another tenant their debt of five months unpaid rent, which is good considering how I've been unable to find work while you're gone and staying at your brother's place as his dependent. God has provided for us and is continuing to provide for us - separately for now but together again I hope.
We needed to end paying for that storage unit anyway, I suppose, though, since it did increase to $160 per month starting in May now, up yet another ten bucks. Good grief though for paying that consistently since you lost your job on the same day the convenience store hired me and we had to move out. Paying for that has almost been as "fun" as paying for your lawyer from when another employer falsely accused you and sued you. $2,500 just to have someone walk and talk for you is absurd, it's like, you know, I thought extortion was illegal but not when guilds are concerned. Studying a book on Roman history I thought it was funny that the word for guild was collegia. Also cool was the vision thing that Constantine claimed to have because it reminded me of the solar halo on our wedding day, minus the "in hoc signo vinces" bit of course. It's a good thing my job that paid $12.40/hr lasted just long enough to pay off your lawyer. Then with the battery dying I finally went over the point limit but it still took them two weeks to find three rookies to replace me with for the amount of work they gave me while others sat in offices chatting and eating and getting paid just to be related to others in authority or otherwise being paid more than workers to break the rules they only make workers follow. That job really sucked. So did the juice factory after it, in which I was moving 11,000 pounds of variously favored pear juice per night for only $10/hr; thanks for giving me permission to quit due to how the temp agency was treating you by requiring you to sign up for the Y and not even sending you out regularly as well as telling you that there's no work even though our neighbors even were being told of job openings and being sent out - it really makes me hate the nonsense called "Minnesota nice" - although now they don't want me back right now due to quitting. But anyhow I guess soon we won't have to worry about the storage locker anymore because now it absolutely can't be paid for before they auction whatever's left within.
Someday it would be nice to actually be an author, and maybe if I can sell something that'll pay enough we could have that Victorian house you've always wanted. Hopefully you'll come back home soon and we'll both find work and get the bills caught up for now, but at some point in time I'd like your permission to be a writer again.
We need to get things going with both of us working for now though. I never want to work in a nepotistic cancer node ever again though, if I have any say in the matter. I much rather work for Walgreens again at $8/hr 8 days on and 6 days off than make $13/hr and work in chunks of 12 to 19 days in a row and be wrangled into working on what would be the two days I'd have free. Even working eight third shifts in a row without being able to sleep during the days I worked was better than getting paid to practically never have a day off other than to barely recooperate from working and get ready to start again.
What really sucked though is when they fired you from PPC. It was nice getting to work with you for the week you worked with me and we wore matching T-shirts together and took our breaks together. They were unfair to you. I so wanted to make them pay for what they did to you. They were wrong. You were a hard worker, they just didn't train you and instead just told you to read the blue books - which have poorly written and often outdated instructions, out of focus illustration pictures, and just about absolutely no sense. Yeah, that and while you read it the lazy first shift worker leaves, the belt's still moving, the machine still pooping out only 25% good parts, and the section leaders then were too high on themselves and their crap they smoked on their myriad smoking breaks and were often too busy socializing for them to notice that they needed to show a brand new worker a job they've never done. They allowed for so much nepotism and so many overpaid lazy workers, and yet they threw you away. What gives!? They deserved to pay for what they did. But we're supposed to forgive and legally they could do whatever they wanted with all their own unilateral policies being on their side and the majority of money earned funneled upward to provide for lawyers if we bothered to sue them. They still deserved to pay for what they did to you. But forgiveness, we're supposed to just let people walk on us like doormats again and again. I know, we really are suppose to turn the other cheek and forgive seventy times seven times etc, but I've never been able to forgive them. That doesn't help what they did to you though and they deserved to have their own nepotism ended. I wish that were legally possible. I love you Jackie, and if I could have figured out a way to make them suffer legally and without violence I would have done so because I love you and I hated how they treated you there.
As an actor, albeit only for plays at the North Church and only some of them being televised, I've always had to think like the character I needed to act as in order to play the part required. I'm sure some actors are able to act and portray the emotions they need to like some sort of heartless sociopaths, but any time I've had to play a character I have to become that character and actually think as feel as they would in order to properly portray what was needed. It's difficult to leave that mindset once the play is over. *I* really do love you Jackie and I will always love you even if you never come home and shun me for the rest of my life. I don't want to to shun me and be away from me though, I want us to go back in time and love each other like we used to. I love you Jackie.
I've been reading about Roman history recently and it's interesting how many ways people try and fail all the time. You have one emperor trying to stave away the effects of inflation by setting maximum prices on everything only to cause everyone to grumble and find ways to subvert that order. You have one emperor of the Byzantine/Eastern empire try to reconquer the western half of the empire from the Ostrogoths only to find the people of Italy couldn't care less who ruled them so long as they had their bread and circuses. You have all the attempts to conquer Scotland from the Picts leading to just the building of a wall. It really is actually kind of depressing to think of how such failure happens even with so many resources readily available and still nothing works. By comparison you have the conquest of Canaan by Joshua, the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem in the days of Nehemiah, the rebirth of Israel and the Six Day War in modern times - it's like the Irish proverb, what God wills He enables. I hope He'll bring us back together and set us right again.
Nobody's hiring right now, so besides the futile acts of applying for work before you come home, applying for county assistence being a male without dependents (apart from our birds, but of course they aren't considered even anything by the state), wishing you would come back home before our fifth anniversary and that maybe we'll be able to have fun celebrating five years of marriage even without spending money that we don't have since neither of us are working right now as the divorce continues. Life is sad right now, but it could be made happy again almost in an instant.
Sorry I complained about you anonymously in that forum where I showed you where I had posted some of my writings within for voting. I much rather you were sad for a short time and safe and hopefully far happier along with me together soon than for that car which has been needing repairs and the tires and brakes to be replaced ASAP to lead to far worse if nothing was done. Especially with that job you would have been commuting to 50 miles each day for, it would have only been a matter of time until an accident happened. I really am sorry I hurt your feelings, but I don't want the divorce Jackie and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings bad enough with my words that you're divorcing me. I love you Jackie and I want us to always be together. Please Jackie, with our tax money please fix that car. Please forgive me, speak with me again, be my friend again, come home safely before our fifth anniversary, and let us be happy together again. I love you Jackie. I hope you know how very much I love you even if you don't love me anymore now. I'm glad you'll be safe rather than risking your life on the road either way. I hope you'll come back home. If you do, we need to come up with a budget, or at least set as a high priority, vehicle repairs so that we don't have this risk again. I promise you though I'll never intentionally write or say anything that would hurt your feelings ever again and I do keep my promises. Please know I love you and please love me again too and come home.
With nothing else to do I've gotten our home about as clean as it can be. I think you'd be impressed with how much work I've gotten done. It is now managable to maintain rather than so daunting with work piled up from having no real free time to clean this place. I've been cleaning almost constantly like Adrian Monk and I miss you as much as his character missed Trudy.
When I'm tired and there's nothing more to do I've watched shows and movies with the birds. I've now seen every episode of Stargate SG1 that we have and Harmony is now saying "Koomtrya!" occasionally. I watched the sequel movie to 2001, 2010, today. It's somewhat slow but better than the first movie by far like the confusedmatthew or sfdebris review said. It's nice they have movies at the library, since I'm trying to stay offline so as not to bug you and drive you away any further than I have. I so miss you though and look every day in the driveway for you.
I had to put Pavi and Havi in the stinkerkeet cage. Havilah because he was starting to bully Symphony and Pavi-rotten because she insisted to go with Havi. They're surprisingly actually getting along with Edmund and Pip, so that's something good at least.
I have the VCR set up and watched Star Wars II: The Empire Strikes Back, and it is so funny how the parakeets still imitate and respond to R2D2, but dispute how silly that is our home is empty without you.
It will be cool to see you play Portal again if you do come home. Well, when we can afford to get it now at least. It was cool to see how quickly you solved the puzzles in the trial of the game. You got past where I couldn't and that was really neat.
It would be nice to play Core Worlds, Once Upon A Time, Phase 10, and Scattergories with you at Perkins again. It would be cool to build more robots and gadgets with you again. I miss going out with you my love. Jackie I really do miss you and want to stay married with you. Please come home and let's go on dates again. Heck, I'd even love to go to garage sales with you now, although it would be nice to have wet wipes on hand for when I need to handle money or other grimy germy stuffs that other people have owned and want to get rid of now. I would be willing to go through a week of garages sales if it means I could just spend time hanging out with you again.
I am truly sorry I've hurt your feelings Jackie and I miss you more than you can imagine or believe right now. I so wish you'd just speak with me and we could resolve our own problems rather than let temporary emotions destroy us. I love you Jackie, I really do. Please let me have a second chance also. Please let our love and our marriage live again.
I mean this sincerely: $1.35, whereas before it was $1.15, with the four quarters, five pennies, and two nickels standing for storge, eros, and philia, now two dimes are for agape - the love of the will which is commitment regardless of temporary emotions otherwise - because there are two of us and also the total being 1.35 would serve as a way of saying that you, my lady Jacklyn from 1983, and I, your husband Ben from 1985, are one - a reference to both the segment in Genesis 2 and where Christ referenced that passage when the Pharasees asked Him about divorce and He said, "what God has put together let no one separate." I love you Jackie and I hope this time of sadness passes quickly and is replaced with joy and happiness once we're reunited again. Please, let that be so. Please say you love me again. I love you Jackie.


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0_equals_true
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19 Apr 2015, 4:07 am

I take it you have tried to contact her?

Does she have a mutual friend you could contact?



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Apr 2015, 11:36 am

What the....

Why here??



naturalplastic
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19 Apr 2015, 12:20 pm

Yeah. This should be in "The Haven", and not in PPR. Except it shouldn't even be in the Haven. He should be sayin' all of that to her, and not to us here on WP.



Evam
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19 Apr 2015, 2:14 pm

Religion is important to the OP, and the financial situation he is in has a lot to do with politics (in most countries in Europe things would have been easier). He misses his wife a lot, and felt like writing a long post about the life they had, and what kind of life they might have in the future. So just let him post it.



0_equals_true
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19 Apr 2015, 2:39 pm

Maybe it should be somewhere else, but I have compassion for him. He is obviously in a lot of mental torment.

I think he should talk to someone about it, to somebody who can help him work through the various issues.



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19 Apr 2015, 4:10 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
I think he should talk to someone about it, to somebody who can help him work through the various issues.


That "someone" is us.



0_equals_true
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19 Apr 2015, 4:52 pm

Evam wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
I think he should talk to someone about it, to somebody who can help him work through the various issues.


That "someone" is us.

No a therapist.



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19 Apr 2015, 10:20 pm

IAAP, that was a beautiful letter! I read every word----I especially like the parts about your birds, the movies/shows you've been watching, and your doing all that cleaning. I'm thinking you should copy and paste that letter into your Word Processor, and then print it out and take it to her at a time when you know her brother will be at work, or wherever.

It's so hard for me to understand that she said she would never leave you the day before she left you. I'm thinking there's something more, to it / something more goin'-on..... I'm thinking she might've been unhappy WAAAAAY before she actually left; and, maybe, she kept saying she would never leave you, because she was hoping she would convince herself to stay. Then, when her brother got involved, she felt she had some other place to go----someone to turn-to, etc., and she jumped at the opportunity, because she was so unhappy.

What if she's missing you, TOO? What if she's wishing she hadn't acted with such haste, but doesn't know how to get out of the emotional place she's in? She'd have to admit she didn't handle the situation in the best of ways----just going to work (babysitting), and not coming-back----and that's difficult for ANYONE to do.

Have you talked to her, AT ALL, since she left? (If you already said, I must've missed it.)





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Evam
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20 Apr 2015, 12:21 am

0_equals_true wrote:
Evam wrote:
0_equals_true wrote:
I think he should talk to someone about it, to somebody who can help him work through the various issues.


That "someone" is us.

No a therapist.


There were times, were no therapists existed. 100 years ago people would have still mostly turned to someone like a spiritual director, and 200 years ago an expert in religion would have hardly considered himself to be someone seriously interested in religion, if he had not been able to say something meaningful to someone in pain.
At the high times of philosophy, so in Athens and Rome, the same was true for philosophers. They were expected to help someone who was shattered with his life. A philosopher who had only wanted to engage in abstract ramblings would never have been able to call himself a philosopher, too clear was it that his main vocation and his reason-to-be was to help people in difficult situations.

People on the autism spectrum are more drawn to abstract philosophy and religion, but that does not mean that their practice isnt the touchstone of their theories.

You could also try and rephrase his problem in a theoretical and abstract way, if you want and can, or propose some of the ancient readings that might be of some help.



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20 Apr 2015, 4:20 am

I think you should keep expressing yourself, it is cathartic. Its much better to let these painful feelings out, than to bottle them up.

A crisis councellor could assist you; someone to bounce ideas off, have a chat with, it really is self directed and low cost centres often provide this type of councelling for sudden losses. I recommend it for coping with grief, it was personally useful.

Your letter is beautiful, and touching, I hope you get the opportunity to say these things to Jackie. Be well.



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20 Apr 2015, 5:16 am

Evam wrote:

People on the autism spectrum are more drawn to abstract philosophy and religion, but that does not mean that their practice isnt the touchstone of their theories.

You could also try and rephrase his problem in a theoretical and abstract way, if you want and can, or propose some of the ancient readings that might be of some help.



No, I could not rephrase the problem in so far it really is more of a psychological one than a philosophical one.
Where philosophy comes into the equation is to look at from an other angle.
Problem with that is that you can end up questioning your own core beliefs.
It's like going to the bottom of a well to face your own hell and then slowly crawl out again.

The OP talks of that which God has put together and not to be let it seperated by anyone.
I would more likely come to the conclusion that it is the same God that has changed his mind.
I don't do the God thing though in my Tao influenced thinking.
But if Tao has to be anthromorphized (that what you call it?) then I would like to think that in all it's wisdom there is a reason for the change.
And accept it and go with the flow and move on.

No readings to recommend apart from this maybe
http://www.amazon.com/Gathering-Cranes- ... 0964991209



Iamaparakeet
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20 Apr 2015, 10:27 am

0_equals_true wrote:
I take it you have tried to contact her?

Does she have a mutual friend you could contact?


I have tried to write her over and over, she only blocked me on facebook on the same day her brother delivered the evil divorce papers.


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Iamaparakeet
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20 Apr 2015, 10:33 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
What the....

Why here??


Because this is where I hurt her feelings the most, she read what I had posted here and thought I was was actually going to divorce her. I shouldn't have agreed with the one poster that I should divorce her. I didn't mean any of it, I just got more and more frustrated with not being replied to while I tried to stay awake and wait for her to reply to me in my facebook messages. I figured then she was just really busy watching her brother's children, but I suppose now she was reading what I wrote here instead and as I got more frustrated waiting to hear from her she got more sad reading what I wrote in anger not thinking she was reading what I said. I hurt her feelings so horribly she won't even acknowledge I exist now. I can't fix this on my own. I really do love her and don't want the stupid divorce.


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Iamaparakeet
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20 Apr 2015, 10:37 am

Campin_Cat wrote:
IAAP, that was a beautiful letter! I read every word----I especially like the parts about your birds, the movies/shows you've been watching, and your doing all that cleaning. I'm thinking you should copy and paste that letter into your Word Processor, and then print it out and take it to her at a time when you know her brother will be at work, or wherever.

It's so hard for me to understand that she said she would never leave you the day before she left you. I'm thinking there's something more, to it / something more goin'-on..... I'm thinking she might've been unhappy WAAAAAY before she actually left; and, maybe, she kept saying she would never leave you, because she was hoping she would convince herself to stay. Then, when her brother got involved, she felt she had some other place to go----someone to turn-to, etc., and she jumped at the opportunity, because she was so unhappy.

What if she's missing you, TOO? What if she's wishing she hadn't acted with such haste, but doesn't know how to get out of the emotional place she's in? She'd have to admit she didn't handle the situation in the best of ways----just going to work (babysitting), and not coming-back----and that's difficult for ANYONE to do.

Have you talked to her, AT ALL, since she left? (If you already said, I must've missed it.)


Jackie lives with her brother now, in Bloomington MN whereas I'm in Elk River MN without any transportation. I'm trapped and don't have money to print it or an envelope. I do have stamps though and I could fold some of my papers from my documents briefcase into an envelope I suppose. I hope she's still reading what I write here though, I hope she still cares. Yes, I've tried talking with her and writing her as much as possible, but she's shut me off and wont speak with me and even blocked me on facebook. I've done everything I can think of, but nothing works on my own to fix the mess I've made with the sadness I've caused my Jackie.


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20 Apr 2015, 12:52 pm

You could try and hand delivered letter.

I though your post was good, but there are too many twists and turns, and asides. You could focus just on the issue at hand, keep it simple to the point, but from the heart.

The reason I suggested that therapist was not just this, you have had various event in your life that you are grieving for and it might be an idea to have someone you can talk to about that in confidence.