"Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?" (NYT)

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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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24 Jul 2012, 5:20 pm

I hate when people who have kids and busy jobs and significant others put those things ahead of just hanging out and existing once in a while. I don't understand people who feel a need to schedule every minute of their days. Exploration and reflection are so important to me, the idea of being locked down with a small group of people in a constant routine just scares the hell out of me. Is that related to this discussion?



ooo
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01 Aug 2012, 1:11 am

Moondust wrote:
Then again, people move so much that they're always having to make new friends. It's not like in the past, when people had the same childhood friends in the neighborhood their whole lives.


People move more now, so friendships are come and go. You have to keep meeting people over and over.

And, after 30, you don't have the easy built-in network of people around you in dorm rooms and classrooms. At 18 in a dorm room, you have tons of bored teens with nothing to do in close proximity. After 30, that's not so... unless they're all living in their mother's basements. After 30, you have less time with jobs, family, kids, etc. interfering.



outofplace
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01 Aug 2012, 4:46 am

It's not as black and white as an article found somewhere on the internet makes it seem. You just have to meet the right people who are in the same boat and share similar interests. While this is far less easy when you get older, it is not completely impossible either. The thing is, it may not be with people in your age range but rather with people in your range of interests instead.


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Moondust
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01 Aug 2012, 4:49 am

Well, when we say "after 30" we don't mean 31 or 32 but 40 and 50 and 60, etc. People are not busy with kids at those ages, on the contrary, they're coping with the empty nest and desperate for new friends. Their kids don't pay any attention to them from age 10, i.e. from the parents' 30s and 40s. The spouse is not nearly new, and they're bored with each other already. And people take on new interests, therefore they want new friends more in accordance with their new lifestyle. Because now their personalities are more consolidated, the friendships of adulthood can be more stable than childhood friends. People over 40, 50 don't tend to move cross-country for work, love, family. And in today's world, let's face it, people don't have their socializing plates full with relatives. I've met tons and tons of people, interesting and mature and fun, looking for new friends after 30. In my 30s to 50s.

The problem is another: there's no sharing of intense experiences with each other, therefore the ice that needs to break for 2 people to let down their guard and become spontaneous enough for a friendship to flourish, doesn't break. I for example became very good friends with someone after 30 just because we had to share an hour in an anti-bomb shelter during war and then he had to help me get a huge piece of furniture unstuck from the passageway of the neighbors. We had lived in the same place for years and never even noticed each other before that. And were it not for the 2 emergencies, we would've never become spontaneous with each other. Spontaneous sharing conducive to friendship happens when the subject matter is so intense that the relating becomes totally out of focus, therefore the letting down of guard and the ice breaking and the spontaneous behavior. Friendship florishes in spontaneity, not in rigid social forms.


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01 Aug 2012, 6:57 am

And the follow up, at near 67, we enjoy the departure of annoying people, and form a survivors guild that lasts.

There is something we hold in common, and while half of all people die before the other half, it is the only game in town.

At the kid raising age, lack of sleep, money, people do have to stop everything not related, and talking to you comes directly off of sleep time.

After 65, it comes off of boring things. Humans gain value. Not the young, they are not to be trusted, but life goes on.

It took the New York Times to notice there is a pattern to life?

Humans are overrated, go spend a year alone in the mountains, you will become a better person. You will never see other humans the same again.

There is a Universe, with Stars, there are trees, mountains, animals that just live here, become one of them.



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01 Aug 2012, 8:45 am

Inventor wrote:
Humans are overrated, go spend a year alone in the mountains, you will become a better person. You will never see other humans the same again.

There is a Universe, with Stars, there are trees, mountains, animals that just live here, become one of them.


Did that. Now it's hard to make friends. Everyone is so fake and wrong and disappointing.



Pete255
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05 Aug 2012, 4:07 am

Read the article. It says the three conditions crucial to making close friends are:

Quote:
proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other


The workplace is good for this, although as the article notes, competition can be a problem there.

Let's discuss solutions to this issue, not just the problems!



marshall
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05 Aug 2012, 12:01 pm

outofplace wrote:
It's not as black and white as an article found somewhere on the internet makes it seem. You just have to meet the right people who are in the same boat and share similar interests. While this is far less easy when you get older, it is not completely impossible either. The thing is, it may not be with people in your age range but rather with people in your range of interests instead.


I'd point out that it's harder to make close friends in this day and age. Sure, you can join clubs based on similar interests, but how often do these clubs meet? Once a week? That and being forced to move 1000 miles for a new job every few years kind of puts a damper on close relationships. This world is fine for extraverts who get satisfaction out of having a million casual acquaintances to chat with. It's not good for introverts who would much prefer a small circle of lifelong close friends who they can feel 100% comfortable around. It seems like there are so many people in this modern world where the only person they are truly close to is their SO. And these are NTs I'm talking about. If you're a single person you're basically on your own and it sucks. You might be able to find people to share an interest with, but if you need a true social support network you aren't really going to find it easily. Part of it is I think individualist/isolationist Anglo-American culture is not the norm but a psychologically unhealthy aberration. I think if people had more experience with other cultures they'd realize ours is a bit f***ed up.



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06 Aug 2012, 1:02 am

My advice is clubs of a similar age group and sex. This is the best way to expand ones networks. You need large groups of people so bigger teams/people.

I found small groups like beach volleyball, cards were disappointing. Larger ones like cricket, soccer, touch football give you access to a transient population. You can find 1-2 people out of 20 who have similar interests but when it is limited down to a couple it is a lot harder.

Sporting is better than others if you can. However you have to find things you are interested in.



Adam917
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06 Aug 2012, 2:28 am

marshall wrote:
outofplace wrote:
It's not as black and white as an article found somewhere on the internet makes it seem. You just have to meet the right people who are in the same boat and share similar interests. While this is far less easy when you get older, it is not completely impossible either. The thing is, it may not be with people in your age range but rather with people in your range of interests instead.


I'd point out that it's harder to make close friends in this day and age. Sure, you can join clubs based on similar interests, but how often do these clubs meet? Once a week? That and being forced to move 1000 miles for a new job every few years kind of puts a damper on close relationships. This world is fine for extraverts who get satisfaction out of having a million casual acquaintances to chat with. It's not good for introverts who would much prefer a small circle of lifelong close friends who they can feel 100% comfortable around. It seems like there are so many people in this modern world where the only person they are truly close to is their SO. And these are NTs I'm talking about. If you're a single person you're basically on your own and it sucks. You might be able to find people to share an interest with, but if you need a true social support network you aren't really going to find it easily. Part of it is I think individualist/isolationist Anglo-American culture is not the norm but a psychologically unhealthy aberration. I think if people had more experience with other cultures they'd realize ours is a bit f***ed up.


I think you have hit it. Personally from my own experience, I am finding it difficult to both make friends & be able to figure out if any new people I meet can even become close friends with me. Very few casual acquaintances I have met since reaching teenage eventually morphed into a closer long-term friendship. I turn 27 soon & I don't see this changing all that easily especially with the depressed economy preventing much spontaneous outings that usually have at least some spending attached.

It doesn't help that technology is a double-edged sword. I was recently able to find out a friend was nearby thanks to her using Foursquare, but the vast majority of any meeting I can do with people have to be scheduled in advance as if I were seeing a doctor! This is not how I expect friends to interact.

The funny thing is I think I'm one of the lucky ones in that I along with the several jobless friends I have (I do have employed friends too) usually have the time to meet someone whenever. Most of my old class-mates who are now working good jobs & are married with kids (!) have no time to meet up.

I have attempted to meet new people to at least hang out with at a couple LGBT groups that meet weekly & naturally have their own issues thanks to society's unacceptance of trans people. So I think one can meet new people easier if it involves a subject one cares a lot about, but the difficulty still arises when one wonders if any connections one makes will last a significant enough time to become a closer friendship or more.



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06 Aug 2012, 3:00 am

marshall, that's true but beyond the scope of this article, as it relates to friendship in general and not specifically over a certain age. There's so much to say about how close friendship has become an obsolete institution replaced by going after money to buy services and products to substitute the need for friends' support (and how much we humans have lost because of it) that it merits its own thread.


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09 Aug 2012, 9:42 am

I think it takes a lot of time and effort to make a good friendship, so the people you knew since you were younger are easier for this.



Logan5
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22 Oct 2012, 2:05 am

Another (moderately interesting) piece about adult friendships.

" 'Friendkeeping': The Close Relationships We Could, But Can't Easily, Let Go."
by Linda Holmes
http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2012 ... ily-let-go

(I’m baffled by the intricacies of friendships and romantic relationships. :? )