I should be dead.

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I am trying hard, but I don't fit in this world. not at all. I am consumed by the darkness. ADHD, Learning Disabilities, and being a white male (statistically the highest suicide rate). I tried talking to my therapist but I forget what to say, and he told me to bring up the dark past, where I might get mad and beat him up. I grew up being bullied, mom died at age 3, and I suck at social skills. I had dark feelings of wanting to kill evil people and beat evil people up, but I can't act on them because of the law. It seems the light rejected me, and then society tells me to suck it up. I try to learn social skills, but now that is getting me in trouble because of talking to much. (too deep conversations). I don't fit in. I'm a misfit. Why do I have to deal with such a curse and witness my friends doing the same? Why is reality so cruel? People think black and white, the holiday season has people being insensitive and bat crazy. I should not be alive with this oppression. My brain is messed up, but then again, maybe since I have no pedestal to go on to, I learned not to care. I can't connect to anyone around my age. Everyone's stuck on social media. Face to Face interaction is becoming extinct. Why reality, why? unrealistic expectations, lies, lonliness, dark thoughts, no one that will understand me. Why? Why? Why?

I am not sure there is a reason that answers the 'why'. Many things just happen without anyone or thing having planned it out. But certainly many people end up with a poor set of cards to begin with.

It sounds like you may be in a serious depression. Those can be like a whirlpool sucking you down. Also it or other problems can destroy your ability to really relax.

Have you been diagnosed or are you being treated for depression?

I wanted to burn down the schools.

These thoughts were part of recurring PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). My anger replayed over and over and caused my much distress. My mind would not let go of the pain. I felt relief from the fantasy that I would burn down the schools, and "show them what it feels like".

As an adult, I did some things to "evil people" and their businesses, when I felt a person "wronged me". Now, it's exceptionally dangerous for anyone to do anything against me. They forced me into those schools for daily torture sessions, so society gets what it deserves. Like the Auden poem ...

“I and the public know
What all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return.”

-W.H. Auden

I just don't feel I belong here. I can't socialize with anyone. I give things a fair chance, but it doesn't work out. The worst part of life is, nobody is taking the time to teach me, but then again, I messed up my life by playing too many video games and being on the internet too much. I just want to dream my own ideal world, and hope somebody or something will kill me already. I'm non-violent, but I am in the position where I can't enjoy my life because I missed out on socializing throughout highschool and college days. I tried antidepressants, and other medications, but I noticed I am getting a little bit sicker. I know my lifespan is lower, but I can say the way I was treated by people was not my choice. I just feel like humans nowadays are just more computer machines in their brains than actual humans that showed compassion in my elementary school days. All I would want to do is sit idle and meditate, so I can just end this suffering nowadays, but I live in the US, so that will probably not happen.

I should be dead too, but I'm not, so maybe I shouldn't.

I know the feeling. Some people did such things to me that my soul just shattered to the floor. And how do you fix that? Pain has just become more and more intolerable as time passes. I miss my life alot and the person I used to be.

I think the meaninglessness of evil actions is the hardest to take. Someone destroys your only life for nothing. People can make up all sorts of excuses and reasons for their actions, but there is no meaning in them. One woman who survived concentration camp told that the most horrific moment for her was the day in which the guards suddenly pronounced: War is over, you can now go wherever you like or you can stay here and wait for the Russian troops. You might wonder why would the moment of liberation be the most traumatizing? It just showed how meaningless all the suffering she had to endure was and that she lost her whole family for nothing. For nothing.

If the world consists of bullying, lies, power, money, deception, fame, wars and so on, maybe it is not so bad if you don't fit in. The root of evil is a lie, and to lies many build their lifes.

I hope you all the best. Love.

Do you have any family/friends/acquaintances you connect with at all? They don't have to be the same age, I mean seems like you're for sure lonely and isolated feeling. I faced a lot of bullying growing up as well, and have been suicidal multiple times, though that is not the only reason. I have mental health issues and on top of the bullying my parents didn't get along to well so there was always tension at home. I essentially had no friends going to school as a kid, much of the time I was the outcast everyone made fun of. And yeah I think a lot of people are too caught up in some of the social media stuff...I mean sure I have a facebook, I even got around to getting a smart phone with internet access but I don't really obsess over it, sometimes I don't get how people don't get bored of it. I certainly prefer face to face interaction with people over online interaction....though at times online interaction is all that is availible. Anyways I kinda know the feeling....I remember wanting to burn my school down quite a few times when I was a kid, sometimes thought of just killing everyone who was a jerk never acted on the latter one as I am just not a violent person but I did do more than 'think' about burning the school down its just no one ever found out.

My way of responding has been to make damn sure that I do not behave in the same way as those who have hurt me. I have suffered emotional, psychological and sexual abuse when younger, and it has had an appalling impact on me. It has left me unable to even remotely like myself. But, I will not allow that to change my basic nature, prior to all of this, which was to be kind to others and to learn to not emulate their ways. We cannot control the way others treat us really, but we can control how we respond to them.

Reach out and keep reaching out until you find the person who really gets you. That person is out there, but they aren't going to show up at your door. From what you write, you certainly are in a crisis right now. It all feels too much and too confusing.

May I remind you that the Chinese symbol for crisis is also the one for opportunity..

When things get this bad, change is usually on its way. This is the "Dark Night of the Soul" that religious mystics wrote about. Everything seems impossibly bleak and hopeless, and the only experience left, which you experience totally, is despair. Yes, maybe you should have died somewhere along the timeline, or could have. Me too. But you didn't, and I hope you will continue to stick around to see what happens.

This too will pass. You probably won't believe me now, given the space you are in, but it will. The only constant in life is change. It is always there, in the background of our lives, and sometimes in the foreground. So it won't always be like this. While it is, treat yourself with great kindness, think of yourself in kind ways, feed and respect yourself as you would an honoured guest. Who knows when "the angel at your table" may show up? For your sake, I hope that much happier times are on the way and something really good is about to happen for you. Meantime, get the rest you need, and keep reaching out. Well done you.

Don't beat yourself up, then you're bullying yourself - don't do that. Embrace your uniqueness. So what if you are different? Does that make you any less of a person? It doesn't, just ask anybody here on WP. Just try to understand yourself better.

I've been where you are - suicide attempt about twenty years ago. My head and life was so f'd up, I convinced myself I was supposed to be dead. That my life was crap because somehow I missed the time that I was supposed to have died and the result was my terrible existence.

Somehing that helped me was realizing that EVERYTHING we experience in life is exactly what is supposed to happen. If not, things wouldn't happen as they do. We are who we are as nature/God/the universe made us. Nature/God/the universe doesn't make mistakes. You are who you are supposed to be. Try to focus on what you want your life to be like and do those things that will make it better.

You're lonely, yes, but you're alive. Which means you have the chance to change your loneliness. If you're dead you don't have any options. Choose life.

I was born dying, so if I'd been born in 1940s and earlier I'd died. feel doctors messed with the universes plan. now I am a being with no purpose or plan. so no mate for me. I get how you feel.

Brung, I see your point, but why the universe hesitates and regrets in us, if it makes no mistakes and EVERYTHING happens as it is supposed to? What use would such a by-product as regretting have in a deterministic universe that makes no mistakes, and thus should make no mistakes even in the engineering process of a us?

In my world view someone doesn't get raped, killed and bullied because the universe don't make mistakes and EVERYTHING was supposed to happen. If I now started to hurt you consciously, according to your logic it was anyways supposed to happen, I made no choice, thus you'd had no right to accuse me, for it was "the universe".

But we have a choice. Even you are referring to a chance of change. Why would anyone change anything actively, if all is determined? I could just sit and do nothing, for it will happen, if it will happen. Why to work for a change? I have personally experienced how good seeds good, and how evil seeds evil. When you will hurt another human being, through them you in a way hurt the whole universe.

You also referred to God (to which religious belief system's God I do not know), but according to my knowledge in at least in couple of religions it is stated that God gave you the choice between good and evil, between life and death. A human has the power of choice between his inclination to evil and good. The God and the universe is in a way seen as a a choice within you. Your heart is in your own hand.

Everything happens as it's meant to. Regret is truly useless. Accepting that circumstances were what they were based on your knowledge and wisdom at that time is part of gained wisdom which can be applied to New events. Same for another person who may be involved in an incident and what circumstance brought these people together. This does not absolve people of making choices in response to those things that happen. The knowledge and wisdom we have at the time of our choices will greatly influence and determine the outcome of matters. Same goes for a rapist or bully, or whomever else decided to take action based on their knowledge and wisdom.

If you try to hurt me, you couldn't, because I have the resources to not be offended by anything you coul do to me. There are no victims, only happenstance. There is no good or evil, bad or good. These are merely labels given to events that allow man to define events according to acceptability. If your cat runs out in the road and gets run over because you left the door to your home open, that's what was supposed to happen. Based on your choice to leave the door open, your cat prompted to venture out and where the driver of said car is traveling at the time and where their attention is focuded while driving.

If a person is born with a disability, it is only seen as such because humans label this as abnormality. Abnormality is part of the normality of nature/God/the universe. If it wasn't, you would never see so called "abnormalities."

I'm on a smartphone, so this isn't as concise and organized as I'd llike, but I understand your point I think.

With respect, these recent posts are a discussion for another forum, debating them here won't help the OP and he or she runs the risk of having his thread misdirected away from the issues that are troubling him, which can feel extremely invalidating, as if his concerns don't matter. I know neither of you intend that.

It's because we are intense...we seek the heart of the matter...and because we care
and because we are emotional and IT IS OVERWHELMING
and then we hide

The problem that bothered me with society is that the media screws up people. Literally. We ignore important facts.

i.e. Male suicide rates being 4x greater than women, yet the media and society advocates for women's rights (which I say because I'm a male, take what I said for what you will. I don't care). White male suicide rates are even higher. I can't stress that out enough.

Ok. My real mom died at 3. Has anyone had it that bad to emphasize?

Robin Williams death, and some people thinking Jim Carrey is a nutcase for being spiritual. (I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but what if you have other negative people throwing you off balance).

Making friends (I honestly have no people to connect with anymore, as I feel we are getting farther and farther away from human touch due to more technology and longer busy hours).

It seems that the world I want to live in is only a dream, but that's ok. I accept that because I can't change reality. At the same time I'm glad I have AS and didn't own a weapon. I could had done something like another person with A.S. did.

Everything is one step at a time now, and my 20's are the worst adulthood years. Overrated US Mainstream crap that brainwashed society with unrealistic promises. I am so eager to leave the country but I can't because of my AS.

But now, I meditate. When the worst happens, it'll just happen. For example: If I get shot by a shooter for no reason at all, I'm dead. Can't change that can you. I'm just waiting for it to happen, but I know it will happen when I least expect it.