I'm alone, and about to be more alone

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L_Holmes
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24 Jan 2015, 2:24 am

I was looking through my old messages on Facebook (like from 3-5 years ago) and I didn't have a ton of friends I talked to on there, but I had some. Maybe it just seems like a lot because it's all in one place. But they've all outgrown me, every last one. One of them, we were best friends from 8th-11th (even though we both moved in that time sometimes they were travelling, they only lived a few hours away). I tried talking to him a few times since, but it is just small talk, which I'm obviously not good at.

And the one friend I somehow kept after all these years (he told me it was because he found me odd, in an interesting way, and liked to talk to me because I'm not normal) just left to go on a 2-year church mission to Romania, so now he's gone too.

I feel like everyone else has progressed, and I've just gone backwards. I'm a failure. I'm not just calling myself a failure to be mean, I really am. I failed to mature along with my peers. I failed out of college. I could go on, but when I get right down to it, I feel like I've failed myself. I saw myself being in such a different place right now.

I don't feel like I'm me anymore. I used to have goals for my life. I used to think life in general had real meaning.
That my life had meaning. That I had something to offer that nobody else did.

Now look at me. Living in my grandparents' basement. Cutting myself. No real goals, just vague plans that I hope might work out. My past self would hate me, and rightfully so.

And the worst part about it is that I can trace back to when things started going downhill. I generally never fit in, and as I got older it got worse. But that's not really what started it. What started it is this stupid girl that I for some reason was totally obsessed with. To this day I don't know why I liked her so much. I realized at the time that I was being obsessive, and I couldn't make it go away, so in my stupid 16-year-old mind I figured that meant I was really in love. Idiot. She led me on and used me for a year and a half (which any normal person would have realized, but I had no idea that how she was treating me wasn't normal, or nice). And I wasn't just misreading signs. She told me, "I love you." Those exact words. Many times. And I actually believed it.

In the end, she told me she couldn't ever see herself even dating someone like me, basically because she thought I was a loser. Which I was. She said I wasn't "self-motivated", whatever the heck that means. Way too emotional, immature, annoying, "complicated" (even though I always told her exactly what I thought...). I broke down crying after we talked, more than once, because she would say things like this. She even admitted that she said some (probably all) of those things intentionally just because she knew it would hurt my feelings. She told me she hated me, that I made her sick.

I hated myself after that. I apparently wasn't worth it for anyone to be nice to me, the ones I thought were close turned out to be downright mean, and the girl I loved didn't just not like me, she hated me.

It's pathetic though. All this because of a stupid girl. Now my life is going nowhere.

But hey, I'll be alone soon. My own little apartment. Nobody to stop me from doing what I want. Maybe I'll just hang myself, and stop pretending there's any reason for me to be here.


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progaspie
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24 Jan 2015, 2:45 am

Gee, I'm sorry things aren't turning out the way you hoped. Some people are poisonous around you and the sooner you move on with your life the better. Just shows you have to carefully choose your friends. It should be good to get your own apartment because you are never truly independent until you move away from your family. Hope you get back to college one day.



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24 Jan 2015, 5:41 am

I've been in your shoes, I've done the whole cutting ordeal, I've been used and manipulated (Granted, not for the duration of you) I've tried suicide and felt worthless.

I think you'll find that high school years aren't the highlight of anyone's life. I guess it's easy for me or anyone around my age (24) to say, but everything that happens in high school is just a learning experience for the real world. You still have plenty of time to live, you can be successful and mature. It's not a contest among your peers as to who grows up to be the most successful. Not everyone keeps their friends from high school, either. Most people just grow apart, some go to college, some leave the state, others change religious beliefs.. I mean, everyone just has a different path. It's not to say you can't make more friends. You could get a new job and meet someone who you relate to and do everything with on every level. You'll find as you get older success in life isn't what other people define it, it's how you define it. You don't need to be extremely social, or even in college. Just start with a good place to live and an income, find a job you enjoy, find new hobbies and new friends. You have plenty of time, you might not realize it now but you're young. Living in your grandparent's basement isn't even necessarily a bad thing. It's a rent free place to live, who cares? The idea that girls won't like you because of how you're living is a horrid and untrue stereotype that is harmful to people your age. You can save money and no one's pestering you to be something or someone you're not, I lived at home until I was 23 for the purpose of saving money. The "parents basement" stereotype is reserved for those in their 30s and 40s who should of moved out long ago, not teens.

I was able to get a full time job, move away, make new friends. I never really had any goals, it just sort of happened.. I haven't had any success with relationships, but I've found if I just relax and ease expectations on myself, I'm less anxious and I'm able to face the world. I found I just put that pressure on myself because I had two parents who never believed in me and doctors who told me because I was autistic, that I would never be independent. So naturally, anything that I did that was considered less than what someone my age "should be doing" I felt worthless.


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L_Holmes
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24 Jan 2015, 3:00 pm

Thanks for the responses. I feel somewhat better now. Meaning at least I'm not crying uncontrollably and wishing I had a gun anymore. I guess the antidepressants I was given aren't helping. Not that I ever really expected them to though.

Hopefully things get better. I'm not really counting on it though.


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Pizzagal3000
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24 Jan 2015, 3:28 pm

L_Holmes wrote:
I was looking through my old messages on Facebook (like from 3-5 years ago) and I didn't have a ton of friends I talked to on there, but I had some. Maybe it just seems like a lot because it's all in one place. But they've all outgrown me, every last one. One of them, we were best friends from 8th-11th (even though we both moved in that time sometimes they were travelling, they only lived a few hours away). I tried talking to him a few times since, but it is just small talk, which I'm obviously not good at.

And the one friend I somehow kept after all these years (he told me it was because he found me odd, in an interesting way, and liked to talk to me because I'm not normal) just left to go on a 2-year church mission to Romania, so now he's gone too.

I feel like everyone else has progressed, and I've just gone backwards. I'm a failure. I'm not just calling myself a failure to be mean, I really am. I failed to mature along with my peers. I failed out of college. I could go on, but when I get right down to it, I feel like I've failed myself. I saw myself being in such a different place right now.

I don't feel like I'm me anymore. I used to have goals for my life. I used to think life in general had real meaning.
That my life had meaning. That I had something to offer that nobody else did.

Now look at me. Living in my grandparents' basement. Cutting myself. No real goals, just vague plans that I hope might work out. My past self would hate me, and rightfully so.

And the worst part about it is that I can trace back to when things started going downhill. I generally never fit in, and as I got older it got worse. But that's not really what started it. What started it is this stupid girl that I for some reason was totally obsessed with. To this day I don't know why I liked her so much. I realized at the time that I was being obsessive, and I couldn't make it go away, so in my stupid 16-year-old mind I figured that meant I was really in love. Idiot. She led me on and used me for a year and a half (which any normal person would have realized, but I had no idea that how she was treating me wasn't normal, or nice). And I wasn't just misreading signs. She told me, "I love you." Those exact words. Many times. And I actually believed it.

In the end, she told me she couldn't ever see herself even dating someone like me, basically because she thought I was a loser. Which I was. She said I wasn't "self-motivated", whatever the heck that means. Way too emotional, immature, annoying, "complicated" (even though I always told her exactly what I thought...). I broke down crying after we talked, more than once, because she would say things like this. She even admitted that she said some (probably all) of those things intentionally just because she knew it would hurt my feelings. She told me she hated me, that I made her sick.

I hated myself after that. I apparently wasn't worth it for anyone to be nice to me, the ones I thought were close turned out to be downright mean, and the girl I loved didn't just not like me, she hated me.

It's pathetic though. All this because of a stupid girl. Now my life is going nowhere.

But hey, I'll be alone soon. My own little apartment. Nobody to stop me from doing what I want. Maybe I'll just hang myself, and stop pretending there's any reason for me to be here.


I would have deleted that tramp as soon as she said "I love you" the very first time.

No way in hell, anyone can develop a true, healthy bond with someone from just online.

Now when I text online, I refer to everyone as "contacts," because for my safety and well-being it can NEVER be anymore than that.

I would not take what she said so strongly. No one is a loser. f**k her!


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L_Holmes
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24 Jan 2015, 3:42 pm

Pizzagal3000 wrote:
L_Holmes wrote:
I was looking through my old messages on Facebook (like from 3-5 years ago) and I didn't have a ton of friends I talked to on there, but I had some. Maybe it just seems like a lot because it's all in one place. But they've all outgrown me, every last one. One of them, we were best friends from 8th-11th (even though we both moved in that time sometimes they were travelling, they only lived a few hours away). I tried talking to him a few times since, but it is just small talk, which I'm obviously not good at.

And the one friend I somehow kept after all these years (he told me it was because he found me odd, in an interesting way, and liked to talk to me because I'm not normal) just left to go on a 2-year church mission to Romania, so now he's gone too.

I feel like everyone else has progressed, and I've just gone backwards. I'm a failure. I'm not just calling myself a failure to be mean, I really am. I failed to mature along with my peers. I failed out of college. I could go on, but when I get right down to it, I feel like I've failed myself. I saw myself being in such a different place right now.

I don't feel like I'm me anymore. I used to have goals for my life. I used to think life in general had real meaning.
That my life had meaning. That I had something to offer that nobody else did.

Now look at me. Living in my grandparents' basement. Cutting myself. No real goals, just vague plans that I hope might work out. My past self would hate me, and rightfully so.

And the worst part about it is that I can trace back to when things started going downhill. I generally never fit in, and as I got older it got worse. But that's not really what started it. What started it is this stupid girl that I for some reason was totally obsessed with. To this day I don't know why I liked her so much. I realized at the time that I was being obsessive, and I couldn't make it go away, so in my stupid 16-year-old mind I figured that meant I was really in love. Idiot. She led me on and used me for a year and a half (which any normal person would have realized, but I had no idea that how she was treating me wasn't normal, or nice). And I wasn't just misreading signs. She told me, "I love you." Those exact words. Many times. And I actually believed it.

In the end, she told me she couldn't ever see herself even dating someone like me, basically because she thought I was a loser. Which I was. She said I wasn't "self-motivated", whatever the heck that means. Way too emotional, immature, annoying, "complicated" (even though I always told her exactly what I thought...). I broke down crying after we talked, more than once, because she would say things like this. She even admitted that she said some (probably all) of those things intentionally just because she knew it would hurt my feelings. She told me she hated me, that I made her sick.

I hated myself after that. I apparently wasn't worth it for anyone to be nice to me, the ones I thought were close turned out to be downright mean, and the girl I loved didn't just not like me, she hated me.

It's pathetic though. All this because of a stupid girl. Now my life is going nowhere.

But hey, I'll be alone soon. My own little apartment. Nobody to stop me from doing what I want. Maybe I'll just hang myself, and stop pretending there's any reason for me to be here.


I would have deleted that tramp as soon as she said "I love you" the very first time.

No way in hell, anyone can develop a true, healthy bond with someone from just online.

Now when I text online, I refer to everyone as "contacts," because for my safety and well-being it can NEVER be anymore than that.

I would not take what she said so strongly. No one is a loser. f**k her!

She went to my high school, unfortunately. And we had tons of classes together. And then she went to the same college as me and continued harassing me after I told her to leave me the f*** alone. I had to threaten her to make her stop.


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Pizzagal3000
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24 Jan 2015, 4:05 pm

L_Holmes wrote:
Pizzagal3000 wrote:
L_Holmes wrote:
I was looking through my old messages on Facebook (like from 3-5 years ago) and I didn't have a ton of friends I talked to on there, but I had some. Maybe it just seems like a lot because it's all in one place. But they've all outgrown me, every last one. One of them, we were best friends from 8th-11th (even though we both moved in that time sometimes they were travelling, they only lived a few hours away). I tried talking to him a few times since, but it is just small talk, which I'm obviously not good at.

And the one friend I somehow kept after all these years (he told me it was because he found me odd, in an interesting way, and liked to talk to me because I'm not normal) just left to go on a 2-year church mission to Romania, so now he's gone too.

I feel like everyone else has progressed, and I've just gone backwards. I'm a failure. I'm not just calling myself a failure to be mean, I really am. I failed to mature along with my peers. I failed out of college. I could go on, but when I get right down to it, I feel like I've failed myself. I saw myself being in such a different place right now.

I don't feel like I'm me anymore. I used to have goals for my life. I used to think life in general had real meaning.
That my life had meaning. That I had something to offer that nobody else did.

Now look at me. Living in my grandparents' basement. Cutting myself. No real goals, just vague plans that I hope might work out. My past self would hate me, and rightfully so.

And the worst part about it is that I can trace back to when things started going downhill. I generally never fit in, and as I got older it got worse. But that's not really what started it. What started it is this stupid girl that I for some reason was totally obsessed with. To this day I don't know why I liked her so much. I realized at the time that I was being obsessive, and I couldn't make it go away, so in my stupid 16-year-old mind I figured that meant I was really in love. Idiot. She led me on and used me for a year and a half (which any normal person would have realized, but I had no idea that how she was treating me wasn't normal, or nice). And I wasn't just misreading signs. She told me, "I love you." Those exact words. Many times. And I actually believed it.

In the end, she told me she couldn't ever see herself even dating someone like me, basically because she thought I was a loser. Which I was. She said I wasn't "self-motivated", whatever the heck that means. Way too emotional, immature, annoying, "complicated" (even though I always told her exactly what I thought...). I broke down crying after we talked, more than once, because she would say things like this. She even admitted that she said some (probably all) of those things intentionally just because she knew it would hurt my feelings. She told me she hated me, that I made her sick.

I hated myself after that. I apparently wasn't worth it for anyone to be nice to me, the ones I thought were close turned out to be downright mean, and the girl I loved didn't just not like me, she hated me.

It's pathetic though. All this because of a stupid girl. Now my life is going nowhere.

But hey, I'll be alone soon. My own little apartment. Nobody to stop me from doing what I want. Maybe I'll just hang myself, and stop pretending there's any reason for me to be here.


I would have deleted that tramp as soon as she said "I love you" the very first time.

No way in hell, anyone can develop a true, healthy bond with someone from just online.

Now when I text online, I refer to everyone as "contacts," because for my safety and well-being it can NEVER be anymore than that.

I would not take what she said so strongly. No one is a loser. f**k her!

She went to my high school, unfortunately. And we had tons of classes together. And then she went to the same college as me and continued harassing me after I told her to leave me the f*** alone. I had to threaten her to make her stop.


I think you were just in your actions. Its unfortunate you were compelled to "threaten her to make her stop." But some people don't get it, so we wish to make them get it....

When most people say "no," they do mean it.

Its a shame she did not know better.

I would like to recommend that you don't dwell on her. Its time to move on. Everything comes to pass(past). Everything never comes to stay. :wink:


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Waterfalls
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24 Jan 2015, 4:19 pm

I know it hurt and you're angry she said you're nothing, but please don't let yourself think that makes it so. Who knows if she even meant it, it doesn't matter. I've made the mistake often of thinking I'm nothing because someone said it or acted it, don't let her opinion at one moment in time control you.



kraftiekortie
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24 Jan 2015, 6:08 pm

Hey Mr. Holmes,

You have a bright future ahead of you. I understand how the past could bite you in the butt--but it is the past, and it's over now.

Have you gotten the apartment yet?



L_Holmes
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24 Jan 2015, 6:22 pm

Waterfalls wrote:
I know it hurt and you're angry she said you're nothing, but please don't let yourself think that makes it so. Who knows if she even meant it, it doesn't matter. I've made the mistake often of thinking I'm nothing because someone said it or acted it, don't let her opinion at one moment in time control you.

It's hard to forget. Because up to that point in my life I always just felt like nobody really wanted me around. All of the kids at school thought I was annoying and immature. My parents treated me like I was a delinquent, and I now realize that a lot of my "problems" were just because I was reacting to someone treating me badly (like my step mom). They constantly blamed my behaviors on my mom, who raised me for the first 12 years of my life, and is the only parent I have that I feel like understands me at all. I was just a pest, not a person. I felt that way until I was 16.

Then this girl comes along and tells me she loves me. And I finally felt like someone was recognizing my value as a person, that all those people in my life up to that point were wrong. I actually started trying. And it turns out she was just messing with me the whole time. Of all the people in my life, she saw the least amount of value in me, even though she knew me the best. And instead of helping me realize how badly she was treating me, everyone just laughed. I know for a fact people at school did, and I'm sure they weren't the only ones. My life was just a joke.

It's really hard for me to believe they could all be wrong.


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L_Holmes
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24 Jan 2015, 6:24 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Hey Mr. Holmes,

You have a bright future ahead of you. I understand how the past could bite you in the butt--but it is the past, and it's over now.

Have you gotten the apartment yet?

No. I'm going to one more place on Monday. The studio apartments are only $340/month, they said they are several available. So maybe I can give them a down payment to hold one for me, and then move in the middle of February like I was planning.


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24 Jan 2015, 8:04 pm

L_Holmes wrote:
Waterfalls wrote:
I know it hurt and you're angry she said you're nothing, but please don't let yourself think that makes it so. Who knows if she even meant it, it doesn't matter. I've made the mistake often of thinking I'm nothing because someone said it or acted it, don't let her opinion at one moment in time control you.

It's hard to forget. Because up to that point in my life I always just felt like nobody really wanted me around. All of the kids at school thought I was annoying and immature. My parents treated me like I was a delinquent, and I now realize that a lot of my "problems" were just because I was reacting to someone treating me badly (like my step mom). They constantly blamed my behaviors on my mom, who raised me for the first 12 years of my life, and is the only parent I have that I feel like understands me at all. I was just a pest, not a person. I felt that way until I was 16.

Then this girl comes along and tells me she loves me. And I finally felt like someone was recognizing my value as a person, that all those people in my life up to that point were wrong. I actually started trying. And it turns out she was just messing with me the whole time. Of all the people in my life, she saw the least amount of value in me, even though she knew me the best. And instead of helping me realize how badly she was treating me, everyone just laughed. I know for a fact people at school did, and I'm sure they weren't the only ones. My life was just a joke.

It's really hard for me to believe they could all be wrong.

You're right it's humiliating when someone, or worse everyone, ignores you, ostracizes you, laughs at you. I can't tell you to try any harder than you already are. I care very much what people think of me, when I can tell. But, I have always missed some of that, so my solution of ignoring it and trying to plow through anyway that many times I can barely manage, may not work for you. I just know no matter how down I get, I don't want to give that kind of power to someone I don't respect. And I don't think you respect her enough she should have this power is all. But I know that's easier said than done. Certainly easier for me to say it than to do it.



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24 Jan 2015, 10:40 pm

Waterfalls wrote:
You're right it's humiliating when someone, or worse everyone, ignores you, ostracizes you, laughs at you. I can't tell you to try any harder than you already are. I care very much what people think of me, when I can tell. But, I have always missed some of that, so my solution of ignoring it and trying to plow through anyway that many times I can barely manage, may not work for you. I just know no matter how down I get, I don't want to give that kind of power to someone I don't respect. And I don't think you respect her enough she should have this power is all. But I know that's easier said than done. Certainly easier for me to say it than to do it.

My solution for the past two years has just been to avoid anyone, especially my peers, as much as possible. It's not a great solution, but I figure if I'm already going to be excluded I might as well just save everyone else the trouble. At least then I can try to convince myself that the reason I don't have friends or a girlfriend is because I choose not to have them.

It does get pretty lonely though, which is mainly what gets me so upset. I am definitely an introvert, but I still start to feel really down if I don't have anyone to talk to or do things with after a while. I like having one or two friends, not 0 friends.

But I have no respect for that girl anymore. I hate her. Sometimes I wish I could see her again, just so I could hurt her. Not emotionally, physically. I tried being mean to her in response, and that's when I really realized how little she thought of me, because she didn't care at all. But she wouldn't be able to ignore me if I made her choke on her broken teeth.

Just wishful thinking.


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25 Jan 2015, 5:42 am

L_Holmes wrote:
Waterfalls wrote:
I know it hurt and you're angry she said you're nothing, but please don't let yourself think that makes it so. Who knows if she even meant it, it doesn't matter. I've made the mistake often of thinking I'm nothing because someone said it or acted it, don't let her opinion at one moment in time control you.

It's hard to forget. Because up to that point in my life I always just felt like nobody really wanted me around. All of the kids at school thought I was annoying and immature. My parents treated me like I was a delinquent, and I now realize that a lot of my "problems" were just because I was reacting to someone treating me badly (like my step mom). They constantly blamed my behaviors on my mom, who raised me for the first 12 years of my life, and is the only parent I have that I feel like understands me at all. I was just a pest, not a person. I felt that way until I was 16.

Then this girl comes along and tells me she loves me. And I finally felt like someone was recognizing my value as a person, that all those people in my life up to that point were wrong. I actually started trying. And it turns out she was just messing with me the whole time. Of all the people in my life, she saw the least amount of value in me, even though she knew me the best. And instead of helping me realize how badly she was treating me, everyone just laughed. I know for a fact people at school did, and I'm sure they weren't the only ones. My life was just a joke.

It's really hard for me to believe they could all be wrong.

In my similar experience, what I found is she found a weakness that she could expose in me to use to her own selfish advantage, to soothe her own self esteem problems, to prove a point to her friends, to just use someone to learn about dating, I guess. It's amazing how willing people are to hand out the word "I love you" without really understanding what it means.

I've found the best thing to do is just learn from it and move on, I'm very good at spotting someone's intentions or when someone might be taking advantage of me. I also know what "I love you" really means, it doesn't mean "Oh god please love me in return because my fragile ego desires your acceptance" it means "If I lost you, my life would change forever." which is sad.

Either way.. point being, you're not less of a person for being treated like this. She's less of a person for treating you that way. You're a better person for that experience, she will only learn that it's okay to take advantage of people, she'll know it's okay to lie and disrespect men, and she will never be able to form an honest relationship, and you will be able to.


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25 Jan 2015, 10:53 am

Hey L_holmes, nice to meet you.

Can I say your just a kid because your only 19 still, and I am 9 years older than you, don't be so hard on yourself, that's great your finding your own apartment at 19.

There will be two lives in life which one can lead and find great pleasures, you can either do them or you can't so well.

One is socialising, I found as much as I want friends and a girlfriend there a pain In the donkey. There isn't a great return in your efforts unless you know how to manipulate people, some people will surprise you, there are kind people out there it just takes patience. It sounds like your grandad is a good man for letting you stay in his basement. Family is important. Unconditional. Use that to your advantage, as in you don't have as much stress trying to keep up with bills ect. Use that space to your maximum potential, that's a gift in itself. Study.

2 learning new skills, I like this because it focusses on myself, I can't run away from myself like friends do. Your happiness is about you. Think of a list of things your good at or would like to be good at, things you like to enjoy. Look at what options you have, ask questions, your school friends are different people now, your becoming an adult, you will naturally meet people you share interests with, professors ect, if you have a passion then others will be inspired by you. Learn a trade, skills. Anything. You may be getting older but your still in school, the life school. Mentor
What you have learned and keep learning. Focus your brainpower on learning and developing your skills, let negativity only be a lesson, don't let it overpower you. Take care friend. P.S I like your Sherlock Holmes quote.



L_Holmes
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Joined: 18 Jul 2014
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Location: Twin Falls, ID

25 Jan 2015, 3:20 pm

886, I see what you're saying. The way I threatened her to leave me alone is that I said I would yell at her to stop harassing me in public, purposely make a scene about it, and she totally left me alone after that. So I guess her image was way more important to her than anything else. I still wish I could have exposed her to all her precious "friends", who think she is such a nice person, but at least she left me alone.

Grommit, yes you can call me a kid. I usually feel like a kid anyway, I'd feel weird if someone called me a man. It actually makes me laugh, it's kind of absurd to me :)

I mainly only like singing as far as developing skills. Sometimes I am just too stressed or depressed to feel like doing it though. When I'm in a better mood it's pretty much all I do. I'm also afraid that I won't be able to do this in my new apartment, because there will be people living very close and I could get in trouble for bothering them (by being loud). So that's part of why I'm stressed about getting an apartment I think. I guess I can always practice in my car, but I wouldn't be able to do online lessons like I want. It makes me want to get the more expensive place because I will be more likely to be able to do this, but I'm not sure if I should because I really need to save and have other things I need to pay for first :?

I'd also like to learn guitar though, so I guess I could focus more on that for a while if I can't really sing.


_________________
"It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important."

- Sherlock Holmes