I'm so ashamed right now I'm thinking of hurting myself

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I'm so mad at myself. So ashamed of myself. I'm moving to a new place soon. It was my parents idea. I like it, I should be happy, but I'm not. Because they bought the place. I feel like a fraud and a cheat. I thought by now I'd be well off enough I could've bought a place myself. Or that I would've found someone I love and together we'd have a place. Instead it's my parents doing the buying. And in the process I feel like they're taking control of my life. Buying me new furnishings I don't want and telling where things will go. My mom has this especially maddening habit of buying me stuff, and THEN asking me if I like it. Well gee whiz Mom, now that you've got me in a corner where no matter what I lose...

All this has reminded me of just what a failure I am. How all that I am depends on my parents. I feel pathetic. I feel worthless. I want to hurt myself.

Is there anything good about moving out, anything you can look forward to?

Right now....no. I can't even bring myself to pack anything. I've just been sitting in my apartment all day more or less paralyzed.

Trust me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My in laws have bought us two homes, neither of which were asked for.

My in laws bought us a house in Bham in the 90's when we had simply asked if they thought we should buy it outselves. The day after they came and looked at it thoroughly, my FIL called the bank and a realtor and made an offer. Then they told us they bought it. That kind of ticked us off because it really did make us dependent on them. Then, what I was worried about actually happened. My MIL got mad at me and sold it out from under us. Long story short, my husband had a nervous breakdown after his dad died, MIL blamed me and my crazy ass attention seeking mother jumped on the bandwagon as our "savior" and they all decided that we should move to this town, where my mother had retired to. My MIL bought us this house and I had been actually excluded from looking at places or giving any input. Really. I was furious and hated this place for years but then decided that was moot, and it's actually a nice house and it will be left to us when she dies, so I actually come out on top.

I just try not to think about it and although I hate my husbands family with a passion because of how they are, I remind myself that it won't be much longer before they have no more say so in what I do. I'd really suggest you try as hard as you can to think about it differently. Thinking about the control they do have doesn't change anything and eventually you will get past it, so if you can force yourself to think about it differently from the get go, you are doing yourself a favor. I wish I had done that when we first moved here. I was too resentful to enjoy this place and make it my own, and it's a 4br, 3 bth, livingroom, formal diningroom, den with fireplace, eat in kitchen, laundry room on a large landscaped lot with fenced back yard and deck. It's actually really nice but I was too mad to let myself see it.

Being in that mindset sucks and you really can't enjoy anything when you are in that. If you can force yourself to remind yourself of something else when you start thinking about it now, that can go a long way to help. The longer you feel that way, the harder it is to overcome it.

My MIL bought us furniture before too when we needed it and again, she purposefully excluded me in any choice of what to buy and even refused to tell me anything about what she bought until it was delivered. She told me to just "hush up and appreciate it". Here's a hint - you can sell or trade what they get you and get something you like. You can't make people like that act differently, or think of you differently. The only think you can control is your reaction to it, somewhat. So I'd try very hard to think about it differently, as in how one day they will be gone and it'll be yours to do with as you see fit and also maybe sell the furniture and get what you actually like.

^ Which is why I swore that I would never go out with, let alone marry a man whose parents live within 200 miles of them. Maybe even 1000. I'd be fuming.

Brian, is the place under your name? Cos if it's under theirs, I'd just live there and save up until I got a place. If it's under your name, then perhaps move? Then it wouldn't seem like theirs.

The place is theirs but it will be mine. That's why I feel like such a damn loser and a failure. 30 and I'm single and my parents buy me a place. Without them I'd be nothing. I feel so worthless and invisible I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

What do you want right now?

I would take the place, save money, then get your own place.

Why be ashamed? Your parents wanted to take this step.

You should use this as an opportunity. It's almost like a transition between dependence and independence. Maybe offer to pay part of the mortgage.

I just want someone who believes in me. I suspect my parents don't, which is why they are always stepping in on my behalf. Doing things I don't want because they feel it's right. Thinking I'm nuts because I want to use my savings to fund my next film. Never saying, "You go make your film. Make it the best you can be. We believe you can."

Hell, Brian, I'm 50 and all major purchases I've made since I married my husband were paid for by my in laws. My husband is one of those trust fund type kids who grew up knowing that whether or not they worked, they would be taken care of. My in laws were products of the Great Depression and grew up poor and always preached thrift even to the point of being overbearing (MIL) but always stepped in and rescued us whenever my husband decided to just lay out of work or throw a temper fit and drink for months. They would b***h but always rescue us. I was actually for this kind of thing for the first few years of our marriage when I was in my early 20's (married him at 21) but by the time I had my first baby at 25 I had figured out that this was not a good idea because he would never learn how life works. He still hasn't. We have no bank account, no savings, he doesn't work at a place that would give him a pension, etc. All we will have in 15 years when he retires is Social Security and whatever money my MIL has left him. I kind of think she will carry on her controlling practices even from the grave and make his sister in charge of what money we have. Freakin' lovely, huh? My SIL is as big a b***h as my MIL.

So, as much as I'd like independence, I don't actually have it. My husband is NOT AT ALL interested in leaving the state and just doing things on our own, which we could do in a year when my youngest leaves for college. My mother was crazy and when I got old enough to not get her any attention anymore because I was sickly, she didn't have much use for me so she didn't help out much. It's pretty strange that I'm the aspie here and he's the NT and his parents are more controlling and invasive than mine were. You would think it would have been my mother who had tried to make sure I was always ok and not his, when he's perfectly normal and able to support his family. I'm able to support our family too, there just isn't any work in this town and plus, I'm an old-school style housewife, so I have plenty to do as it is.

Of course I don't know how much we will get when my MIL dies, because that information was always kept from the kids and still is, except for my SIL who is the executrix of the will and has my MIL's power of attorney now because my MIL is senile. I did find a copy of my FIL's will that was in my MIL's papers and if she hasn't changed it since he died, their house goes to my oldest son. My FIL was a big believer in primogenature and his two sons were totally irresponsible and my son is the first male grandchild. My inlaws had an heir and a spare themselves but neither had a work ethic and neither could handle money properly so they are completely out. But, my MIL changed the financial setup before my FIL was even buried and cashed in all the grandkids trust funds and took that money. That REALLY pissed me off, but she's that much of a b***h to do it. Now the only thing they get while she's alive is $2k when they graduate high school or get a GED. There were trusts to send them to four year colleges and if they chose not to go they got the money when they turned 25, and there was one for all 7 grandkids but that's what she took. Now that my SIL's got DPOA she spends a lot of my MIL's money on her kids and says forget everybody else. She spent about 50 large on her oldest daughter's wedding recently. The girl had gone to college on a softball scholarship, never dated and my SIL (very religious) was afraid she was a lesbian. When she brought that rich boy home my SIL was thrilled so she went all out on the wedding.

So, don't feel like a lone wolf there with others controlling your finances. Maybe your parents are saner than my in laws. If so, count yourself lucky.

I moved out of my parents' house three days after HS graduation. I lived in apartments for a few years until I got wrapped up in computer hacking and phone phreaking and got evicted for playing with the phone box at a building I was living in. I was 23 and pretty stupid. I had no place to go, so my grandfather bought me a travel trailer and I lived behind his house for a few years.

After the eviction dropped off my record I moved into the only place I could afford, a rundown motel downtown that the landlord called a "rooming house". The walls were literally made of cardboard. Ultimately I got thrown out of there too, after getting in a fight with the guy downstairs over my creaky thrift store bed. The LL believed him instead of me and told me to leave within 7 days. Gramps again came to my rescue, but by then he was old and my parents were gifted some of his land and built a house for them and a cottage for me.

So I've lived here since 2005. I have only learned to budget within the past few years, so I plan to buy land in Oregon and move there. Rent is far more expensive here in Sacramento than it was in the 90s. My parents are the old ones now and if I don't get out in the next few years I'll likely have to take care of them which I simply can NOT do.

I know those feels. If it weren't for my parents' house I'd be homeless.
You aren't useless; you have a disability.

I think you're looking at this all wrong man. Your parents bought you a house to support you not to inflict shame or hurt you.

I'm going to be straightforward; You're incredibly privileged to have those kinds of resources. Parent's want to do good things for their children it's only natural. Make the best out of your situation and frankly stop sulking about.
You need to make the best out of the situation. They've given you the tools to succeed. Use them!

You're only 30! You have so many years left in your life to make something out of yourself. I'd be embarrassed too but I wouldn't let it get me down. You've got to find a way to purge yourself of those negative feelings and use the opportunities that you've been given to their greatest potential!

I second what the above two people said. My in laws bought us a house, twice and neither my husband nor myself have a disability. He's dyslexic but it's not a disability because he does just fine in life with it, and I have AS and I do just fine in life, so it's not about a disability. With my in laws it was just my MIL's desire to control every aspect of her son's life.

I agree. I've never been in your shoes before, OP, but from the point-of-view of someone of whose own family members are either deceased or have mental health issues that prohibit them from having healthy relationships, to me it feels like there are worse things than having supportive parents who bought you a home and furnishings for it. I grew up in poverty (ie. in substandard housing without electricity and running water) and for years have worked in social services with people experiencing homelessness and other housing-related issues, so I can tell you it's a horrible thing to be without a decent roof over your head or the sense of security it brings.

Your parents have done a very generous thing and I doubt they were trying to make you feel ashamed or give you a hand-out, just 'a hand up.' I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear right now, but I think it will be hard for you to start feeling better unless you re-frame your perspective on the situation.

And, if it helps with re-framing your perspective, I'm close in age to you and I don't own my own home, either. I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment next to a tow-truck yard and money is still tight, although I do work hard. That is the case with a lot of people in their early 30's these days and I actually just heard a piece on NPR about it the other day, so I don't think it's unique to the area where I live. The economy has made it more challenging for our generation to get ahead as quickly as previous generations. It just is what it is.

If the whole situation still makes you uncomfortable, though, would it be possible to set a goal of purchasing the home from them over time, by making monthly payments? Or, doing what some of the other posters said about just living there long enough to save up for your own place is also a great idea. Kraftie Kortie is right, this can just be a transitional situation or a stepping stone for you.

What about having more physical space from them since it sounds like they are kind of imposing and maybe a little push so at least not living under the same roof might give you a little relief from that...also it could be they are more enthusiastic about it because its just happening so they are overdoing it trying to make sure you have everything you need, or are they threatening they'll only pay if you keep it how they like? Maybe once you're settled in for a while you could get rid of some unwanted furniture and get things you like more once you have the budget.