My Traumatic Events/ I want a Friend. :(

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Hey,
It has been very Stressful for me over the last few weeks,
I really don't know how to say this, How do I make friends with you? as I have now reached the climax of Loneliness.

The following is a brief summary of some of the most traumatic events in my life, I know that it contains my real name but at the moment I feel like "poop" and really don't care.
(Just realised how long my Summary is, Sorry)




The Second most Traumatic and debilitating event in my Life is simply called "Bentley"

To explain what "B" is I will have to start with what happened on Christmas "My favourite day of the year"
On Christmas proximately 6 years ago (From the time of writing this) when I was perhaps 12-13 years old (or more than likely younger), I attended a Christmas party at my aunties house, My aunties name is Cathy and my uncles name is Eddy. I attended this Party at my Mothers request but perhaps I should have stayed home. During the Party I had consumed Alcohol for the first time I had drunken 2 Watermelon flavoured Vodkas that contained 1 standard drink each, I had consumed the beverages in quick succession and was holding a third Watermelon vodka in my hand. I can remember feeling really good. I decided that I should sit down so not wanting to get in the way of the TV and annoy anybody I passed in close proximity to my uncle NOT Eddy the name of this uncle eludes me. As I passed him he touched me inappropriately on my lower back. I reacted and felt all of my attention shift to him, I said "Do Not Touch me" and then continued to pass, He smiled at me and put his leg out as to attempt to trip me over but he failed and I did not fall, I only stagger a little before regaining my balance. I found a place to sit but then decided that it was to noisy and that I should retreat to somewhere more quite, Everybody kept trying to talk to me or at me would be more appropriate. So I got up and again not wanting to get in the way of the TV passed the uncle who had just abused me. I was hoping that he had forgotten what happened earlier and that he would not touch me again, but he did. It was at this point that I decided I did not want to be at the Christmas party anymore so I asked my mum to take me back to the house, but she would not listen and told me to "Enjoy the party". I managed to get the car keys of her with some persuasion and then went outside to sit in the car and wait for the Christmas party to end I still had my Water Melon vodka but decided that I wanted to save it for later, As I knew I would not be given anymore for a long time. 10 or so minutes passed and my little brother came out to talk to me, I figure that somebody had sent him out to find out what was happening as his behaviour was unusual. He went back inside and he being young or perhaps wanting to cause trouble must have said something to the other Party guests as the Uncle who had touched me inappropriately came running outside. Unfortunately I could not react quick enough to close the car door as I had not anticipated this to happen, it is possible that my reaction speed was also impaired by the Alcohol that I had consumed. My uncle who's name eludes me grabbed me by my shirt and twisted it he then barked at me "Did You scratch my car!! !". These may not be the exact words that were said but the meaning is the same. I was off course having a sensory overload and was unable to say or do anything for some time but managed to say or perhaps whimper "No" "why would I scratch your car" "How would I scratch your car" "I don't even know which car is yours". My uncle let me go and stormed back inside, some time passed the party ended and then my Mother drove me back to my old house.
Three maybe Four Months or more past and my mother decided that she wanted to leave me with my auntie Cathy and my Uncle Eddy for a few weeks, she had done this before. I reason that it must have been for respite as I was rather annoying when I was younger. I did not at all like the idea of staying a few weeks at this house that I associate with an Evil uncle, The Uncle who's name eludes me. I complained constantly on the way over to the "House with bad associations" and then would not stay still when I was there "Meltdown Perhaps?". I would run outside, Hide somewhere, Calm down, Go back inside and Complain, and then run back out again. This happened for easily 20 minutes until my uncle Eddy grabbed me by my throat and also hurt my arm. After which I sat down and cried really loud. My mum also left at this point and all of a sudden I was stranded at what WAS my least favourite place in the whole world with an uncle who had just physically threatened and hurt me. I was still complaining except now I was crying to go to the hospital because my arm was hurting, this continued for 5 minutes (Approximately) before my auntie Cathy finally agreed to take me to the hospital. Amazingly my arm stopped hurting on the way there and I started to complain and say that I wanted to go Home, "I want to go home" "I want to go home" "please call my mum and have her take me back home". I arrived at the hospital and was sat down in a separate room, I cried really loud as no one was listening to me. Some time passed and then finally someone came to talk to me and I explained that my uncle had hurt my arm, However he just dismissed it and began to ask me all sorts of strange questions that had nothing to do with my arm and do not at all apply to me at all. So I mostly ignored him and thought that was doing a very bad job at helping me with my arm and that perhaps he should not be qualified to be a doctor.

Anyhow I think I should have paid more attention to what he was saying because after he had finished his questions he then asked me if I would stay at Princess Margaret hospital. I replied "No, I just want to go home". He "sighed" and then threatened me saying that If I did not agree to go to princess Margaret hospital then I would not like where he would put me. My response to this was "Just let me go home". I wish I had agreed to go to princess Margaret, If I had a time machine and was allowed to go back to change one thing this would be the thing that I change.

By now it is night time and I am asked If I would like to lay down, I am given a bed to rest on. I also receive some food at my request. All the crying had worn me out and I was getting hungry. I slept a little and then was woken up by a small group of people who had gathered around me bed. They said "We are just going to put some straps around your bed to keep you safe"(not exact words, I think??. but the meaning is the same). They then wheeled the bed into the back of an ambulance. I did not mind the straps to much after I sort of wiggled my arms out from under them, As the pressure on my lower chest had a calming effect. Before I had wiggled my arms out the straps I found them to tight I also found it a bit hard to get my breath. It also hurt a little but not too much for me to handle. When in the ambulance I asked a girl who was sitting on my right hand side. "Where are you taking me?" She asked the driver who then replied "Bentley Adolescent Unit". From then on in the Ambulance I went quiet as I had accepted that I was not going to be going home that night.






The Ambulance arrived at Bentley
I was wheeled inside of the building, The people who wheeled me left me and the bed in a small-moderate sized room that had some chairs but nothing else, I reason that It must have been a waiting room. A girl not associated with the ambulance crew then came over and talked to me and got me to swallow what she told me. "Was something to help me sleep (Not exact words but the meaning is the same)". I was then wheeled over to a different place, where I was kept for some time; I was told that I should try to get some sleep while I waited. I fell asleep

When I awoke I found that I was in a different bed inside a small room, I remember there being a small blood stain on the bottom sheet.(My Own??, Cant be, I sure hope that the people who put me there had not done something to me while I was sleeping). I had no Idea where I was all I knew was that I was at Bentley Adolescent Unit, At this point I did not even know that It is an Asylum.

A Short time passed and I decided that I must be in Prison. I thought "But I have not done anything wrong" "asking to go home is not a crime???" "My uncle just grabbed me by my throat and hurt my arm and am I in Prison?" "Where the Hell Am I". I remember then hearing someone making strange noises and it scared me, I thought something that means "There is a crazy person outside of my room". Truly the noises that this person was making could only be made by someone who is crazy. I continued trying to work out exactly where I was and thought back and recreated the Separate room at the hospital, The Same Hospital that I was earlier wheeled away from and the un-qualified doctor whom I mostly ignored. After watching it for a short amount of time I realised that the un-Qualified doctor originally wanted to send me to Princess Margaret Hospital, this Rules out a Prison as a possible place that I could be and because the only other place that is designed to represemble a prison (That I know of) is an Asylum and the fact that there is a crazy person just outside my room. I concluded that I must have somehow ended up in an Asylum. A very scary Conclusion. Other evidence that supported this conclusion include the questions that the un-qualified doctor had asked me, They are questions that you would ask somebody who is crazy and not questions you would ask to somebody who had a hurt arm.
A Few weeks or more past
(It was really hard to keep a record of time in that place, plus it is not one of my best of skills. To work out dates and the time of events I have to search my memories for evidence of the time or date, I have to have looked at something that indicates what the time would have been else I am unable to tell. I also use common logic until I am satisfied that the information is reasonably accurate).
It was not that bad to begin with, I was in the high security section in the observation room, there was a window on my door and there was also what seems to be a motion sensor, it had a little red light that would flash whenever I moved, there was also a window high up on the wall, The window had bars on the outside of it and appeared to be made of reinforced glass, The food was not to bad and the staff allowed me to sit in the “staff observation room overlooking a TV and small sitting area “that was for the other inmates/prisoners/patients whatever you want to call them”, The TV was behind a sheet of plexy? Glass” There was a partially deaf person who was violent and was much older than me but mostly stayed out of my way. The partially deaf person was also the one responsible for making the “Crazy noises”. I felt intimidated by him and stayed in view of the staff for safety.
While in the high security section the staff constantly tried to give me what I have determined to be 2mg of Risperidone in tablet form, however I just as consistently refused to take it. They could not do anything about me refusing to take it at this point. Additionally I was not given a diagnosis nor did I see a psychiatrist. The doctors where the ones who had prescribed the Risperidone, Also I advised them that they were trying to give me the wrong dose and that the maximum dose of Risperdal to treat irritability in Autistic children is only 0.1mg and that they were trying to give me 20times the dose. The doctor who I told that to got angry at me and told me to allow him to do his job and also asked me where I got my qualifications from ?. (I only simply told him the truth, which was what I knew at the time) The Doctor who got angry at me also said that “Risperdal is a very safe medication”; He said this as if he was completely oblivious to the fact that it is a neuroleptic and has many serious side effects.

Some more time past (no idea how long) and I was finally allowed to stay in the low security section which was more open, it also meant I did not have to put up with the partially deaf guy. Approximately a week past, up to this point I was only harmed on the first day I was imprisoned at Bentley. The doctors kept trying to give me Medication and I would just refuse it and they could not do anything about it however since I was now in the low security section my mother “Helen” started to come to visit me. The Doctors got her to sign a document that would allow them to harm me by giving the Risperdal to me by means of intra-muscular injection. I knew that the next time that I refused to take the Risperdal that this would happen, I complained and asked for a lawyer for the rest of the day but they would NOT organise one for me no matter how much I asked for one. I also advised the Doctors of my Human rights but was ignored.

The traumatic event
The time came and like normal they tried to get me to take the Risperdal I refused like normal, they threatened me saying “That they would get the Risperdal needle, they said that either way they were going to make me take the Risperdal and that they had my Mothers permission to give me the Risperdal anyway they saw fit” and that the Tablets were just a “Courteously that they were showing me”. I asked again for a lawyer and advised them again of my Human rights, including my right to refuse Medical treatment; I also tried to reason with them and asked them if I could wait until I got to talk to a lawyer, They NEVER organised a Lawyer for me nor provided me with details to do it myself. The right of Actual criminals would have been respected more than my own rights, I should not have even been at the Asylum to begin with and was only there because the system “fell apart” and I was unlawfully imprisoned there. Anyhow they would not listen to me and it was impossible to reason with them, they were in the mindset that my Autism was a mental disorder and that they could “Cure me, they thought they could Cure me of myself???” they did not understand anything about me or what Autism actually is. They were so used to giving medications to others that they were in the mindset to do the same thing to me. At this point I started to panic (on the inside) because I did not want to be harmed and I knew that they were not going to listen to anything I said. I tried to work out what I should do to protect myself and the only thing I could come up with was to hold onto the little cup that had the pills inside and delay them for as long as possible.
I used the little pill cup to distract them for as long as possible, I knew they would try to take it off me before they gave me an injection and I knew that I could hold onto it and that they would not be able to take it from me. Anyhow one of the doctors tried to take the pill cup from me as expected but I did not give it up to him, so he just kept trying as I knew he would do. What I did not expect was the other doctor to grab me from behind and all of a sudden I was in a sensory overload and became all ridged and could not speak or even move, they continued to try and take the cup from me but were still unable to do so. This continued for about 5mins. It was really painful and exhausting. They were clearly unaware that they should not touch me and that doing so can be really painful and overly stressful. People do not understand that what may not hurt them can hurt me and that I am more sensitive than they are.
They started to assault me and the one that grabbed me from behind told me to “let go of the cup” and at the same time hurt my hand by bending it behind my back and twisting it at my wrist (Seems to be a common thing) (I do not understand why people can be so violent, or why people think that they can solve things with violence) I would not have let go of the cup even If I could, as it was my only bargaining chip and I was going to cling to it no matter how painful it was for me to do so.
(I would not have been able to let go of it even if I wanted, due to extreme Sensory overload I was completely tense and all of my joints had locked up)
The doctor who was assaulting me and twisting my hand and being violent called for the others to get “the injection” and continued to twist my hand and hurt me over something as little as a cup no larger than 3cm in height, at this point I was becoming more and more distressed with every moment knowing I would not be able to defend myself or “talk them down”
They were being really aggressive towards me, I was only clinging to a little cup that now only had one Risperdal pill inside it as one had fallen out and was now on the floor. They were attacking me shouting, issuing threats at me and were being violent. At the same time I was completely defenceless and unable to move nor do anything due to an Extreme sensory overload that they had caused / and were causing. A female nurse then began to emerge from the staff room; I knew that she had “The Injection” because she had one of her hands behind her back. The same time the very violent doctor twisted my hand again even more than last time, trying to force me onto the floor. However he just inevitably “Stimmed” me. Giving me an opportunity to recover from the Sensory Overload, I immediately stood up straight and while telling the nurse to “stay back” I quickly forced the doctor who had been twisting my hand against the wall, while at the same time moving the doctor who had spent the entire time trying to remove the pill cup from my hand in between the nurse and myself. I then said “Calm down” I looked to the doctor who had been twisting my hand and again asked him to “Calm down”. While doing this I was very careful to keep the other doctor in between the nurse and myself. I then looked at the doctor who had been trying to remove the pill cup from my hand and asked him to “Let Go”, he looked at me but did not let go of the pill cup. I asked him again to let go of the pill cup this time saying “Please Let Go”. The doctor surrendered the pill cup to me. Because I used a considerable amount of strength when I forced the doctor who had been twisting my hand against the wall, I became concerned for him.
(I have self-defence training, I countered the hand grab he had me in and then moving his hands to the side pushed the palm of my hand into the soft part of his belly winding him, pushed him back. I then kept my hand in place holding him firmly against the wall)
He appeared to be shaken by what I had done but replied something along the lines of “I am fine”.
I felt Empathy for him and became upset with myself.
I explained that he was “really hurting my hand” so he would know why I had just done what I did. Knowing that the situation was still dire and I was not completely out of the clear. (There was a nurse, ready to attack me with a needle) I attempted to compromise and said “I will take the one Risperdal pill that is still in the cup”, and that “I am not taking the other pill because it fell on the floor”.
I swallowed the Risperdal with plenty of water, I then went to the toilet being very stressed and upset by everything that just happened and how I gave into them so easily. I told myself that “I had done everything that I could and that tomorrow I would talk to a lawyer” I quietly cried into the mirror not wanting them to hear me, I pressed my shirt and hand against my mouth and sobbed silently. I then washed my hands and face and tried to make it look like I did not cry. On exiting the toilet all of the doctors and the nurses where gathered outside. The doctor who had twisted my hand was holding a large square piece of alfoil in his hand. He said my name gesturing me to get a closer look. He then threatened me “If I did not swallow the wafer then they would give me an Injection”. I knew that if I complained then they were just going to grab me again, so as politely as possible I asked “what is it?” . The doctor responded “Just take it”. I knew I had no choice and that they were not going to listen to me. I was exhausted and they were exhausted. I said “If I take it you had better watch me and make sure I am not harmed by it” I sighed. I then reached out to take the large alfoil square from him but he pulled it away. (Probably thought I was going to cling to it like I did with the pill cup). He then opened it and I tried not to cry. The wafer would currently fit on the palm of my hand. I had to break it into four different chunks and then chew it one part at a time. It was like a really large piece of chewing gum. It stuck to the top of my mouth and I had to take some water to help dissolve it as I chewed. I then advised the doctors again that they should “watch me and ensure I am not harmed”

I then walked to the TV room and sat on a chair in the corner, sometime passed and I began to feel really weak. Realised I was slowly slipping of the chair so I climbed back up onto it. I felt really sick and my head hurt. I thought “Something must be wrong, how much did they give me?” I did not want to draw attention to myself so I got up and slowly made my way to the book shelf in front of me because I figured “That is what people do”. Someone said something???. I thought something that means “What do I do??” “I am confused”. Someone says something again and I am just able to make out the word “Movie”. At this point something must have gone terribly wrong because I can remember trying to place a book in the video player??????. I realise what is happening and I look at the book I have managed to wedge into the video player. I think something that means “Something must be really wrong, I need to get help” I then remove the book from the video player and then realise “why I am holding a book????” “I need to get help”. I cannot decide what I should do with the book and just end up dropping it. I try to think of where I can go for help “something is very wrong” I tell myself to get to the staff room. I can’t decide if I should run or walk over there but I start moving anyway, unfortunately I accidently walk into a wall causing my arms to fly out in all sorts of directions, I jump up and fall backwards crashing into a bin and spilling rubbish everywhere. I feel very weak and my body is not working, unable to getup I just lay there.
I feel really, really sick, sicker than I have ever felt before. I think “Well, I guess this is it…….I really would like to have had something to eat before I Die” I am looking into the bin, I then think (I am never going to forget this) “Maybe……There is something in the bin I can eat” I accept that I am going to die looking into a bin wanting to eat something from it. “No”
“I don’t want to die”. I ’am scared
“I never thought I would die like this…..I don’t want to die like this”. I manage to somehow getup. I am so proud of myself that I did not give up. I start to head towards the staff room carefully avoiding the door frame however I somehow get turned around and head in the wrong direction. I end up pressed against a glass door that leads outside; I can see outside, I am glad that I can see outside, I want to be free.
At this point I have already accepted that I am going to die imprisoned here and that I would never be free. I kneel down in front of the door all weak. I look outside and I wait, I think I have had a good life, I have really enjoyed my life. It was good while it lasted. I just wish I could have done more, I just wish I could have done something’s differently. “No” I say to myself “I need to get help”, “I don’t want to die”. I’ am so fearful and scared the most I have ever been in my life.
I pick myself up and continue to move towards the staff room, I feel really weak and heavy. It is hard to walk. I think “k, Just one step at a time” “I just need to keep moving”. “Just one step at a time”. My progress is really slow and difficult. I manage to get a little more than halfway to the staff room and then collapse.
I am not sure what happened but I wake up on a bed in an inverted position wherein my head is where my feet should be and my feet are resting on a pillow, I have the worst migraine I have ever had but I don’t care. I am glad I am still alive.
One of the staff comes into the room and asks how I feel. I tell her that “I have a massive head-ache” she tells me that I should just “sleep it off”, I ask “what happened?” I am not given an answer.
I sleep and rest for maybe a day or more?(No Idea)
After this the days just pass, they try to give me Risperdal, I ask for a lawyer they threaten me and I’ am forced to take the Risperdal.


I get my Freedom
Eventually after what seems like half a year or more, I am given my freedom but I don’t feel like myself anymore. In fact I don’t feel much of anything. On my first day out of the Asylum, directly after leaving the Asylum my Mother takes me to hungry jacks (she must have thought she could reward me or that it would make up for me spending my early teenage life in an Asylum)
She sat me down and ordered a bacon deluxe for me, My favourite takeaway food, I just looked at it but could not bring myself to eat it, It just did not feel real. It felt like I was still in the Asylum and that I was just dreaming. My Mother told me to “eat it” but I did not. Instead I smashed my drink into the middle of the Burger and ruined it. I then cried briefly. My Mother called me “R****Ted” and threatened to return me to the Asylum. One of the Staff at hungry jacks must have noticed my distress and asked me “If something was wrong” I replied “I am sorry, I have just gotten out of an Asylum” I chose these words to say because I wanted somebody to have compassion towards me, I wanted a shoulder to cry on. Instead I was left with an embarrassed and angry Mother.
When I finally got back to my old house it looked different from what I remembered, I did not know what to do, if I should just go to bed or find one of my games. I ended up playing The Elder scrolls 4 Oblivion and I kept playing it. Every day for a very long time after I had been released all I done was play, The Elder Scrolls 4 Oblivion. I chose to play this game because I could build a new Character a new self, I could live a new life and I made this game my world. Like me in the start of this game your character is falsely imprisoned but earns his freedom. At The start your character is weak, but as the game progresses your character becomes shaped and becomes strong. In this game I was free I felt free and was able to live my life though this game.

Back to school
After I finally decided to return to school, my old friends greeted me and questioned me asking me “Where have you been”. I replied “I have been in hospital, I have been very sick and almost died”
(What I told them was not a lie because, I did go to hospital although they then imprisoned me at an Asylum and the Risperdal did make me really sick and I almost died because of it, or at least felt like I almost died because of it)
They then asked me “What did you have?” I replied “I don’t know”
(This is also the truth because I was never given a diagnosis)
As Time passed I started to feel shame because I knew where I had been and I felt like my friends would not want to be friends with me anymore if they found out. I pushed them away.
I decided that I would make a new friend someone whom I could relate to whom I could understand. Someone who would also understand me. I decided to make friends with an Autistic boy like myself; we formed a really close relationship. I would allow him to follow me, in return I had quite and understanding company, someone to talk to with whom I could be open about myself.
Because I had decided to make friends with this person and defended him when he was bullied I also started to get bullied. (Neurotypicals, You have got to love them).
The bullying was not that bad because I and my friend stuck together and supported each other. It was mostly just insults and put downs, yet still I was being bullied for doing the “Right Thing” and protecting someone else’s “Rights”. Something others should also have been doing. Neurotypical’s claim to have more Compassion and Empathy “Where was this Compassion and Empathy, All I saw was Hate and enjoyment in their eyes”
(Neurotypical understanding is limited but what they lack on their own they make up for in a group)
Additionally
(Neurotypicals have a habit of thinking that they are superior, but all evidence is to the contrary not that a NeuroDiverse Individual is superior but rather we are equal with our own strengths and weaknesses. From my observations Neurotypicals react with the world in a way that is physical and they make their actions known, While someone like myself interacts in a way that is more ”Imaginative” in that we are constantly thinking and planning and much of what we do is never seen nor heard by anyone)

Summary conclusion
I was un-lawfully imprisoned at Bentley Adolescent Unit, Asylum. Un-Ethical and un-regulated Psychiatry was then practiced on me. My Human Rights where ignored and violated repeatedly.

(I was discriminated against because of my Autism and was un-able to speak up for myself I was only 12 years old when this happened, If a Neurotypical was Assaulted by their Uncle physically chocked and threatened. Then that Uncle responsible for the Abuse would have gone to jail for child abuse. But instead I the Victim was Imprisoned and Tortured.)

I'm sorry you went through what you went through.

Where are you, at this point?

Hey, I'm sorry that happened to you. Some mental hospitals are so dehumanizing. Do you still have issues fearing that people can do whatever they want whenever they want and feeling powerless around others and their opinions/reactions to you? Or maybe you don't feel that way.

Thanks.




Very Stressed,
I" am currently staying with my Mother. Unfortunately she is Abusive towards me, She is Depressed and has been blaming me for the way that she is feeling. Several days ago I ended up having a meltdown and throwing a cup in her general direction(woops )

I ended up going to bed only to be woken up by an Ambulance crew, They took me to a "Respite/Stress-Inducing Centre" Wherein I was constantly touched/Prodded by an Older man with Mania.
Everyone was really loud and were constantly Screaming and yelling at each other(There was no-where quite and I must have been in a Sensory overload of sorts for the entire time I was there)
Fortunately one of my Contacts in the NDIS managed to bail me out after 2days however my Mother wanted to leave me there indefinitely.

I don't feel powerless around other people however I do feel unsafe in certain situations, For an example whenever I have to visit the Hospital,The Doctors or Centre-Link I can become really anxious and cautious of others, It is almost as If some small part of me thinks that someone is going to randomly attack me "Presumably" with a needle or auto-injector.

What you went through sounds really horrible and I'm sorry that you still have to deal with the abuse.
Are you always around her? Is there somewhere you can go to avoid her for a while?

*Sigh
Unfortunately I don't see anywhere else I can go(or at least not anywhere that wont be even more stressful for me)

When I was younger I used to love her and would follow her everywhere, while in public I even used to hide under her clothing.

But now that I am older things have changed and most of the time I don't know what to do . When she swears, insults me and threatens to do all manners of things to me, I try my best to tell her "That she should not swear" and "That her behaviour is inappropriate" But I should not have to do this, as she is older and should know what is acceptable and what is not.

My sympathies.

You made it when others may not have.
We remind each other to not give-up.
With the distance between us, this is the best I can offer.