I feel like everything I do is pointless and that my life really isn't worth living. I feel trapped in my situation and that there is no escape. For so long, people kept telling me that if I got a job everything would get better. Well, I'm nearly 22 now and I've been forced into a casual job at McDonald's by the social workers that were supposed to help me. It's my first job and I hate it, I work in the back kitchen but there are so many other people working back there too. The whole place is crowded and I can't stand being around people for so long...I get sensory overload at times which makes me get confused and stuff up on the grills and sometimes I burn my hands. I've only worked 3 shifts so far because they only give me 1 shift a fortnight which is f*****g crap because I need a hell of lot more money than that if I'm ever going to move out of home. I actually wanted to quit after the first shift but they wouldn't freaking let me. And that's why I said I've been forced into this job because I never had the choice in the first place, they made me apply and I didn't think I'd get it. Now I have it I don't want it but they won't let me drop it. I have to work tomorrow but I don't want to go...
I'm also studying at collage one day a week but even that feels pointless, I'm thinking about dropping out of that too...I hate where my life is going and I've always hated it. I don't know how to change it but I really want to.
I feel like I'm never going to get a 'real job' or fit into this society and I've started to realise lately that this isn't even what I want anyway....But what I do want is to move out of home and have my own space away from all the noise and all the arguing and all the drug use. I love my family, I really do. But I know I'd be happier if I lived on my own. I feel like they all kinda hold me back, as long as I'm here, I feel like I'm trapped. That I can't ever really leave or change because I'll be abandoning them. That I can't really have a life as long as I'm with them. I don't know why I feel this way but I do...and I know it's unfair to them. I can't say I blame them but I know a lot of my depression as come from my home life as well as how I was treated in school and in some instances college...Just, ugh.
People...people are so cruel. Sometimes I can't believe people can be so rude to people that they don't even know. But then it shocks me even more to see people who say they love a person but then treat them like total s**t. I witness it everyday and I'm sick to death of it. I also hate how some people hate being treated like s**t but they still stay with the person who is sh*****g all over them anyway...like what the f**k! Okay...I guess I'm talking about my mum here, but I've had to watch her be mentally and emotionally abused all my life. First my father and then for the last 11 years from her boyfriend....who is an ice user and who she has had two children to that also treat her like crap at times because they've learnt it from their father. I love those two kids regardless but boy do I hate HIS guts. I have two other sisters that both smoke pot like my mum does. They're a few years younger than me. I've never touched the stuff and I don't plan to, I hate seeing how it changes them and degrades them all. I have a brother as well who thank god is pretty normal...By that I mean he's kinda like me and he has some autistic traits but he has never been diagnosed. I'm sure our father, who is a f**k witted drunk and drug user that goes around getting women pregnant (so we never talk to him), has AS.
Anyway, I think I've raved on about a lot more than I had planned...I kinda lost the point but I guess the point was just to rant and get it off my chest.