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I have been struggling with depression for a while now. I have been just not caring enough, not being willing to push myself enough. At work, I have shied away from taking charge and completing things thoroughly, and I have been told that is not good enough, and I have had my primary duties changed.

I am an electrical engineer. I understand state machines and logic and processes. I can evaluate my own though processes, and I know when something is wrong. I have used medication to suppress things, and now that I have pulled back on medication a little, the thoughts I was worried about just came back.

Primarily there is my deep regret and anger over a girl from my past. Whatever I think is right be damned, it cannot continue. I cannot describe what I felt towards her as anything other than a form of love. I do not have the option of forgetting. The only thing I can do is change how I think about past events. This change can happen with or without her help. Essentially, its a logical loop I am stuck in, extremely stable, and free running. Medication can suppress it, but that will harm as much as it helps. I have to use a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, to accept what I cannot change and commit towards what I can.

I pledge,
to no more anger
to no more regret
to never forget what I have done
to look forward with a head high
to get done what I must
and think wisely about what I do

I hope you find yourself in a better place.

I hope you will soon find something to look forward to.

...

I hope so too.

You just have to work on worrying less and the depression will start to fade. Personally, I am in a situation where homelessness is the only thing that could be worse, yet I am not depressed because I know how to budget (try living off of 250 bucks a month), have my parents who gave me a room and may possibly get a job within the next two months.

Essentially, I remain committed towards someone until we have the chance to discuss our feelings. I know its holding me back from some things, but it really does not bother me that much anymore. I really wouldn't mind a response though. I am not stopping her from responding on this forum.

I have a way to get out of the commitment indirectly anyway. Conditional on no communication and being physically ignored, in a certain non-stalking context, through a certain time period. I just have to give her an option to approach me in a situation where she is not afraid, say by frequenting a certain cafe at school while I am there. I also need to avoid contacting her over this time period, to prove I can control myself to her.

So you've stopped taking medication which suppresses the unpleasant thoughts and the thoughts have come back. However, the costs of taking the medication are worse than the thoughts. And this has affected your work.
So you are trying CBT.

So it sounds like you have two issues...depression and intrusive thoughts. Personally I don't think CBT will help with depression. But it might with the obsessive thoughts. I have found that it's impossible to stop thoughts from entering my head, but I don't focus on them. I am aware of them but I don't keep thinking about them. The less I respond to them, the more they drift away.


If you are trying to meet her in a place you know her to frequent you are trying to make contact with her. Also, that is stalking. You may be committed to her, but she doesn't owe you anything because of that and she may not want to discuss her feelings or listen to yours. She has the right not to talk to you.

Provided I do not initiate contact I do not see the problem. I actually like studying at that particular location, and I would rather not be pushed around. I can ignore her just fine. I have been I small group settings with her present, though I will not in the future. It's actually really hard to ignore someone in that context, especially if you were close.

But if you are going there knowing that she is likely to be there, you are initiating contact. Not necessarily a bad thing to meet on common ground, but you mentioned that her seeing you might make her fearful. If you think this may be the case then you need to leave more time.
Fear is a relationship destroyer.

I guess you are right. I have to be sure I am ready to actually interact with her also. It's really hard to not let myself get upset over the situation and loose control. Even if it out of depression, she once actually tried to reach out to me when I was depressed. I dialed her phone, and then for some reason she left a couple posts on here. Like posts in the middle of no posting for a while and none since. Things I could relate to. I then sent her a burst of messages containing things that were on my mind, which upset her. I was not terribly happy at that moment, and that was in violation of a probation I was on. Ended in a hearing where she did not say much, and me seeing less of her around, like she was avoiding me.

What I mean is that I have to deal with my depression, and some anger and fear towards her before I can be ready for any contact with her. Otherwise I will probably just ruin things again. On a positive note, There are no overhanging mandates that I do not contact her at the current moment, despite me begging otherwise, that means there is less for me to be upset about. Though there is little hope of anything at this point. I do not think the silence is out of fear however.

I got rejected for graduate school due to my disciplinary record. Oh well, I guess. I am actually quite okay with it. I do not really think that highly of my behavior.

Anyway, as for my stupid plan. I can timeout things anyway by the end of the year. That and it actually is possible to divert my attention to another girl in the meantime, just highly unlikely to actually happen. Things have to actually work out, and I won't jump the gun on anyone.

That's too bad about graduate school. I don't think diversion is an effective plan-- everyone knows to look out for rebounds.

I believe in accepting the now, even if it sounds corny. Acceptance without judgement, or even definition. It's just this moment. In the same vein, over thinking just leads to endless spiraling.