I can't allow myself to like anything

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I realise this is in some way a symptom of depression and I've had episodes of depression before which certainly enforced it but much of the time this is the case even when I'm not depressed. Because of it, I rarely think I would like to do anything, but the moment I do I start thinking of reasons why I shouldn't want it, why it's stupid and useless and worthless and meaningless and I can't stop myself.

Recently I was on a trip (compulsory, for school) and we briefly went shopping. There were a handful of shops full of cute little trinkets and memorabilia -- everyone except for me bought at least something. There were pieces of jewellery and decorations with crystals on, which I used to love as a kid, but now I looked at every single thing and thought it was so pointless. There was no way I could even consider buying anything, because it was all meaningless and worthless or I couldn't make up my opinion on any of it and wouldn't be able to decide. I felt almost a sense of surreality, dread and anger (at myself) watching other people choose things.

I wear the plainest clothes, am female but never wear make-up or jewellery anymore, have incredible trouble ever choosing things to buy or do because all of it seems the same and I never connect with it.

I've had a strong interest in various things in the past but made myself lose interest by thinking either of the pointlessness of it or how I couldn't do it for one reason or another (too stupid, naturally not good, don't know how to do it and can't seem to learn, can't concentrate well enough.) Writing, languages, music, science, reading, all sorts. I can't talk to anyone in large part because I can't form an opinion about anything -- it all seems detached from me and I can't get myself to care about a single thing that people talk about, although some part of me deep inside wants to.

I never crush and don't seek to ever have a relationship because I simply can't see it happening (although I could when I was younger) because I'm too withdrawn within myself and don't think I could connect to someone that way, although I somewhat wish it were otherwise. I can't participate in conversation because I have no genuine reactions. It's all meaningless. I realised this feeling itself, and the thoughts of death and existence (as a thing I blur into, with no distinction), are just about all I care about.

Maybe I really would be better off not existing. I want to change this, but I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to. This is just detachment, but I'm scared it will lead me right back to actual depression. Connection and engagement of some sort is something we all need, surely? Sorry for the aimless rant, I'm not sure how I even came to be posting this.

I'm pretty sure that this sounds like depression, even at times when you say you don't actually feel depressed. Loss of interest in things which you used to enjoy and feeling like your life is pointless are classic depression symptoms.

Hi SparrowBlue --

I agree with the other poster - this does sound like depression. I know that me telling you that doesn't lift your spirits, but it's probably decent concrete information for you to research and try to get help for.

Unfortunately, I think sometimes these feelings can take a long time to resolve. The most important first step I have taken for myself in the past is to try to befriend myself. Can you try to locate a higher, wiser voice who can nurture the part of you that is feeling so low? A voice that can remind you to tidy up your room, try to go out and do things, try to improve your lot in life?

An unconventional but for me life-saving tactic has been creativity. Here is a Youtuber that has a lot of advice about how to feel more comfortable being creative: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=P ... 65BA7F4864

Sometimes creating a new world or having an outlet helps.

Have you thought of seeking professional advice? That might be a good idea. There might be situations from your past that are contributing to the way you feel right now.

Do you have any kind of social support? Mom, dad, siblings, or friends? Sometimes we physically need to be around people, even if it doesn't feel like a rollercoaster ride of joy. Try to be around people even passively. Sit and do homework or read for a few hours while people you know are busy about the house.

Exercise - try even a few minutes outside, walking or doing interval running, going to the gym, going swimming. It sounds like it's such a joke. How could exercise help this soulful, cosmic pain you feel? I understand that feeling. Remember that we aren't computers. We are humans. We have to connect with our bodies, with nature, and with movement. Remember the bliss you might have felt as a child riding a bike, or playing tag with a friend. Movement can really help. It might not be instantaneous, but gradually it will help.

These are just a few tips. I know it sounds pointless, but sometimes in life we only have moderate means to accomplish our own healing.

I think you can do it. I think you can have joy in your life again.