Processing the Death of a Family Member

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Hey, everybody.

My mother passed away on March 24th, so the last month has been a tough one for me. I've had lots of support from semi-close friends and extended family, but I still feel trapped in an emotional nightmare, desperate to wake up. The days have become really depressing, and I'm not sure what to say, do, or feel. I was very close to my Mom, and with my Dad mostly out of the picture, I'm having trouble working through my own emotions, and conveying that struggle to others. Sometimes I want to scream, but my main way of coping has been sleeping when the mental chaos gets too intense.

I'm not sure what else to say right now, but I'll try to keep this thread updated. How many of you have suffered the loss of a close relative, and what have you done to cope?

So sorry for your loss moviefan. For me the loss of a loved one is extremely hard to deal with. My Grandad was the first person I lost who I cared for a lot. It helped me to believe that he was still around in spirit. I don't know if you believe in this kind of thing or not. I wasn't sure at the time but I feel my Grandad made me aware of his presence which helped me a lot as I didn't want to believe he was just gone forever. My Gran died the following year. It helped me to make a small shrine for them with photos, some flowers and a poem about how they would never be forgotten. I believe that your Mom will watch over you and her spirit will be with you from time to time, even if you're not aware of this.

My sincere condolences Moviefan. There aren't any suitable words, or actions from another that will ease the pain.

I worked, kept busy in every way, and that helped to pass the time. But, my approach was not a healthy one, I couldn't process what had happened, so I avoided dealing with it. Crisis councelling helped me to communicate during the first few months, but when the initial burst of support from others reduced, that was the point I should have sought help but didn't. My only advice is to let these confused emotions out, express them, experience them, do not bottle them up, that can damage your mental health ...I don't believe that people you have loved, and loved you in return, would want you to become ill in any form.

Thanks to you both; I miss my Mom every day, but I've forgotten so much about her in the last month, its scary. I was raised in a Christian home, and I do believe Jesus is Lord...but whenever people say Mom's at peace, all I've been able to say is "I hope so". There's an emptiness in the core of my being, and I know God's real because He's saved me from many different things. I just feel so alone inside, and I'm not certain how to go forward with my life now.

Hi Moviefan,

I was very saddened to read about your loss. Things must be very tough at the moment.

I am very close to my mum - she is still the centre of my world even at my age. She is getting on of course and so I think about her passing a lot. She had a cancer scare at Christmas and I pretty much collapsed under the worry. Fortunately she is clear.

I lost my two grandmothers and I lost my father when I was quite young but I wasn't as close to him. I still dream about them all every night.

I haven't got anything wise to offer up but I just thought I'd let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm not a religious man but your mum is at peace and she will always be there for you in a way (as my father and grandmother are for me).

Best regards

David

This is a stressful time for you, and you might not feel like your regular self for long while. Grief is a complicated matter, research its effects from a health perspective; this will help you to understand why your body and mind feels so different and that these differences are a regular reaction to the loss of a loved one. You mentioned your memory difficulties, this could be your body’s reaction to the physical and emotional stress... these type of experiences can be worrying if you do not know that it is a normal reaction. http://www.griefawarenessday.com/grief-101.html

From my own experiences with grief I have admired those who find comfort in their faith; you believe that Jesus is Lord, hold onto that, view this as a cross you have to bear, take inspiration and strength from the stories you know about his life and from those he inspired. Your mom is at peace, and your reaction to that statement is normal.

Keep your religion if you can, you already have enough change to cope with and there are many religious people whose faith has helped them through life’s challenges. You have a community support network through your church, and many people there who will understand because they too have experienced this type of pain. There are bereavement groups, I did not use them, but other family members did, and it helped them to hear other people talk about their loss, it made their experiences more normal to be around those in a similar situation. If this is not suitable for you a grief counsellor might be a good option to reduce the isolation you might feel.

The chaos you feel will continue, but it will ease with time, I learned to live with the pain, it took a long time to lessen, but it did ease. What helped me was to live in the moment, not in the past or the future, just getting through each minute, then progressing onto each hour, day, week, month and so forth, though I often found myself back at the minute stage. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way is natural for you, I found that comparisons with other peoples coping abilities was rarely useful.

Now is not the time to figure out how to go forward with your life imo, long term plans are better left until you are in a stronger place; the loss is recent and the stages of grief you will experience might impact on your perception and decision making abilities. For the time being, keeping busy and planning how to support your mental wellbeing might be good short term coping strategies. Engaging in self care (I know you might not feel like it) is crucial for your health and overall wellness while in grief.
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief ... d-loss.htm