The party, the afterparty and the morning after

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I started university this year, 22 years old (23 now), feeling too young to be an adult with good grades and too old to really fit in with the 18-year olds. I moved from my small town and comfortable home (50m2) to a small room (14m2) in the city. There, I realized two things:

1) The city gives me anonymity, I can act like a fool and without being the talk of the town.
2) I love going out until late and since there are night trains and buses, now I can.

This always ends the same. I go out, maybe alone if it's a band playing, maybe with friends if it's a bar or club. I meet new people. I hang out with those new people. I drink too much and keep hanging out with them. Now, I pretend to be a social creature, but I mostly (without me realizing this) cling to my extrovert friends, or the people I met with whom I feel most comfortable, which comes off as annoying. I drink more, head home alone, fall asleep when the sun has come up and spend a day regretting all my drunk actions, even if it wasn't that bad.

Maybe it's jealousy towards the people I tend to hang out with. Happy normal extroverts, who can seem to do nothing wrong. Good looking guys and girls, who can end the night with anyone they want. People who made a name for themselves. People who actually arrived with friends. I don't know.

I should stop drinking, I know. I think the worst part of these evenings is, I'm starting to feel unwanted. Like people are just putting up with me, because it's rude to send me away or not ask me along. Eventually, when everyone is hooking up with someone else, and you're at the bar spending the remains of your student loans on beer, it feels like failing.

I'm just scared. Scared of growing up. I love this life, love my studies, love the freedom I have, but it feels like it's not enough. I'm 23 (female, if it clears up the story). I'm failing my first year of university. I'm socially awkward but love going out. I am struggling with my weight again. I haven't had a relationship in 7 years and no one even seemed remotely interested in me for longer than one night for the last four of them. And then again, I really f*****g enjoy life right now... until those morning afters.

...Got to go to college (uni) ~ anyway .

Well, you know you've got problems now all you have to do is get the motivation to fix them. Weight issues: work out. Failing school: study. Sick of drinking, passing out alone, and waking up in the morning depressed: stop using bars as the only place to socialize. Another thing that may help: all those socially happy people you see, they have s**t tons of problems too, they just cover them up.

You're scared about what happens next, that's understandable, but if you don't make a solid attempt at changing these behaviors they won't change and in 10 years you'll be in the same place and STILL scared about making changes. You're in a better place than a lot of people here: you know what your problems are and that means deep down you know how to solve them. Now all you need to do is go out there and do it. Fist bump for some self-esteem.

I only go out with non-single friends. That way I know they won't run off chasing some random girls and leaving me alone. This way way I can go out and have fun without having to pretend to have be a social creature capable of chatting with some random people at a bar, failing miserably to do so, get too drunk, and wake up the next day miserable from drinking too much and sad from failing to socialise.