"I just want you to be happy"
So I have an awesome Husband who loves me. God knows why, but he does. Anyway it's his birthday soon and I asked him what he would like and he said "I just want you to be happy." Trouble is, I'm not happy. I'm actually really depressed but I can't tell him. I just have to keep looking happy. It sucks.
_________________
I have a piece of paper that says ASD Level 2 so it must be true.
envirozentinel
Forum Moderator
Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,021
Location: Keshron, Super-Zakhyria
Open up to him. Depression is an illness and doesn't always have a specific cause except medical, such as a chemical imbalance. Seek medical assistance so the pros can prescribe suitable med for you. I'm sure your husband will be supportive of this.
But if something else is causing you to be unhappy, and its not depression, but something you're able to do something about, don't delay in seeking a solution.
_________________
Why is a trailer behind a car but ahead of a movie?
my blog:
https://sentinel63.wordpress.com/
here's the thing. your husband already knows you are unhappy. his, "i just want you to be happy" is the giveaway. so clearly, "I just have to keep looking happy" isn't working as you thought it was...the next step would be to talk to him. he's noticed that you are unhappy, you are feeling depressed, the only thing missing here is some communication between you both.
he can't force you to talk to him but, rather clearly he loves you as he has noticed something is "up" with you...talk to him. this way you can both work together to get you to a better place.
Thanks guys. I just needed to get it out to someone and your right, he knows, but we don't talk about it.
I cant get meds because I have genetic problem that means I can't metabolize the meds. SSRI's are particularly bad as they have a paradoxical effect. Instead of stopping me feeling depressed, they make me frantically suicidal. It's better to just wish I could die than feel a desperate need to make it happen.
Psychologists don't help. They always want me to practise mindfulness and I don't think they understand that having ASD means being mindful of every freaking thing all the freaking time, at least for me.. I want to stop being being mindful and just be numb. Not feel or think about anything. I've also been told I should have trauma therapy but that would mean talking about things I don't want to talk about. I'm sad enough without trawling up all the things they would want to know. I don't believe it would help at all. I've been told writing things down helps. I tried it but it made no positive difference. It just meant I had a 32 page hard copy of everything that was making me sad and seeing it on paper just made it worse and overwhelming.
I used to have a special interest that made life worth living but I lost it two years ago and before anyone suggests finding a new one, my special interests never work that way. I don't look for them, they just happen or they don't. It's not something I have any control over.
If it was just me, I would leave early, today in fact, but my Husband would be sad and he has in the past made me promise not to try at least as long as he is alive. If he dies, I can die too but not before and he says he plans to live until 100 so I'm stuck here. He is the only reason I live. There is no other reason and sometimes I get angry because he is keeping me here. I know it's because he loves me but living hurts and I wish he could understand that letting me go would be a kindness.
I'm just too broken.
_________________
I have a piece of paper that says ASD Level 2 so it must be true.
I cant get meds because I have genetic problem that means I can't metabolize the meds. SSRI's are particularly bad as they have a paradoxical effect. Instead of stopping me feeling depressed, they make me frantically suicidal. It's better to just wish I could die than feel a desperate need to make it happen.
Psychologists don't help. They always want me to practise mindfulness and I don't think they understand that having ASD means being mindful of every freaking thing all the freaking time, at least for me.. I want to stop being being mindful and just be numb. Not feel or think about anything. I've also been told I should have trauma therapy but that would mean talking about things I don't want to talk about. I'm sad enough without trawling up all the things they would want to know. I don't believe it would help at all. I've been told writing things down helps. I tried it but it made no positive difference. It just meant I had a 32 page hard copy of everything that was making me sad and seeing it on paper just made it worse and overwhelming.
I used to have a special interest that made life worth living but I lost it two years ago and before anyone suggests finding a new one, my special interests never work that way. I don't look for them, they just happen or they don't. It's not something I have any control over.
If it was just me, I would leave early, today in fact, but my Husband would be sad and he has in the past made me promise not to try at least as long as he is alive. If he dies, I can die too but not before and he says he plans to live until 100 so I'm stuck here. He is the only reason I live. There is no other reason and sometimes I get angry because he is keeping me here. I know it's because he loves me but living hurts and I wish he could understand that letting me go would be a kindness.
I'm just too broken.
it's humbling to read of your struggles. i'm glad that you have your husband there stopping you tho, because despite you thinking you are "too broken", he can clearly see there is MORE to you, than you can. i think that says a lot and is something for you to try and keep a hold of, no matter how much you may resent the burden from time to time.
anyways, i am just a (cute lol) teddy on the internet and can only make a suggestion that i think/hope, may help...i wanted to share something with you because i hope it will help you. my dad swears by it. enough that he has convinced me to get into it.
have you ever considered getting into yoga and/or meditation? it may help with finding inner peace and quelling your tumultuous mind.
chant "Om" along with this track.
focus on your breathing. "Om" should reverberate thru your body as you chant it and it should be chanted as they are in the vid. deep and tonal...look up on how to meditate. i wanted to link you to a decent vid but it's in another language and i couldn't find a decent enough english speaking version...if interested, research it.
fingers crossed you give this a try, at least. who knows, it may help?
Sadly, no. I tried growing flowers because flowers are beautiful and I thought they would make me happy but all I saw was the imperfections and where I had failed and developed an almost pathological hatred of snails. I'm just a miserable git.
_________________
I have a piece of paper that says ASD Level 2 so it must be true.
envirozentinel
Forum Moderator
Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,021
Location: Keshron, Super-Zakhyria
How fortunate you are that you have such a wonderful husband who sees the good in you and accepts you as you are. It's clear he really loves you unconditionally. It also means you have some worth - something beautiful inside which he values beyond price. That in itself should make you somewhat happy because you want him to be happy too.
It's also clear you're a perfectionist who sees the imperfections in flowers etc rather than their beauty. This isn't something we can assist you with because its a form of OCD. If you can't take meds, at least ensure you are having a balanced diet. Sometimes chemical imbalance makes it worse. Cut out excessive processed foods, colourants and additives. Focusing on the best possible nutrition should alleviate the condition slightly.
Maybe try what Boofle suggests to train your mind to focus on the positive - it's unfortunately an imperfect world (unlike Lothlorien) but see if you can appreciate the beauty and not allow their imperfections to detract from your enjoyment of them.
_________________
Why is a trailer behind a car but ahead of a movie?
my blog:
https://sentinel63.wordpress.com/
Can you take standardized St.Johnswort?They prescribe if first for depression in Europe before the prescription stuff.
The best is made in Germany.Like most remedies,it needs to be in your system for several weeks before you notice results.
_________________
I am the dust that dances in the light. - Rumi
St. John's wort gets a lot of lies built up around it by drug companies in the U.S.A.
I can munch it like popcorn wothout the effects getting scary.
_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos
Not to get off-topic, but, after reading some posts, I would feel irresponsible not adding that, although, each of our systems can differ from one another, St John's Wort can be lethal for some. It made me ask a friend to get a gun and shoot me, because I felt I was crawling out of my skin to the point I would have rather died. I utilize Chinese medicine as I cannot tolerate chemical meds of most types, but, as tempted as I can become, I wouldn't recommend any remedies I utilize, as my system might be completely different to the next person's. Most medications, either do the opposite of what they are intended for (for me, personally), or they build up as toxins in my system, and make me extremely ill. I almost died, less than two weeks, ago, simply from an antibiotic I took, and this is not a dramatization of what I experienced. Indeed, focusing on the positive and beautiful, and making a gratitude list, each day, are good ways to go. Not effective for all, but, who knows with practice... It is worth a try! Just keep at it, even if you don't find it effective, at first.
Wishing you future happiness... !
I've been on the bad end of that antibiotic thing too.
Freakishly disturbing yeah but also some of the most intense whatever I've ever experienced. Just remember we're all experimenting.
_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos
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