My husband looks at young girls 24/7 ! !!

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Lene
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03 Sep 2010, 2:10 pm

Kati, if it bugs you enough to leave after 30 years, then it's obviously a dealbreaker for you. Different people have different tolerance levels when it comes to stuff like this, so just because some people are fine with it, doesn't mean you should be expected to automatically be cool with it either.

(just a suggestion though; how about you turn the tables a bit and buy a load of 'play girl' magazines and cosmos and leave them lying all over the house (open of course on the fireman-of the-week picture or whatever the female equivalent of page 3 is)... I'm actually serious; he may not know how he's making you feel until he gets a dose of his own medicine)



Last edited by Lene on 03 Sep 2010, 2:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Erisad
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03 Sep 2010, 2:13 pm

So it's not that your husband has AS, he's just a pervert. :?

I agree with Lene though, get some playgirls or some other magazines relative to your interests. Jealousy is a powerful emotion that can be used in both parties. Just don't get too carried away now. :D



TeaEarlGreyHot
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03 Sep 2010, 2:31 pm

Playing games like that is not a good idea. If he does have a porn addiction and is being an ass about looking, then either talk to him seriously about getting help, or leave. Trying to make him jealous will most likely do nothing but make a bad situation worse.


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pandorazmtbox
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03 Sep 2010, 5:08 pm

Kati,

Glad you moved on if this was making you feel this bad. Personally, I think you made the right choice.

When an NT does this kind of thing (and I'm talking frequent, open ogling of girls and perusal of porn even after a committed partner has voiced discomfort) to continue the practice is at the least insensitive and disrespectful and at the worst obsessive or perverted behavior. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with porn or looking at the sights. I don't think you're a perv juts because you glance at the boobies (ok, if you look for 15 year old tits, you are edging toward sick...all other behaviors aside).

AND you _aren't_ being oversensitive by being hurt--30 years is a long time, and my guess is most of the people who responded so definitively haven't experienced the compromise necessary to get a relationship to last that long. I've been married 22 years...I think my perspective is a tad different than most here.

BUT...this guy is Aspie. And while that doesn't give him license to be a prick, or excuse his insensitivity when his loving wife has expressed how it makes her feel time and time again...it may be a reason for some further consideration.

I only just found out I am aspie. All my life I was overwhelmed by sex. I never understood what the big deal was. Sure, I enjoyed it, but it was also usually painful on many different levels. Then I discovered somethings about sensory overload and I'm gradually putting all the personal details together (pm me, OP, and I'll give you the scoop if you're interested, but I won't write the whole personal tale up publicly).

Perhaps, and this is just a thought, perhaps your husband is unfulfilled with your sex life because the physical act of closeness overwhelms him. Perhaps (and again, this doesn't excuse him hurting you), it is more pleasureable for him to admire from afar...with looks or with porn than to actually have the two of you touch. Consequently, perhaps he has developed this fetish to make up for the problems in dealing with real touch.

_If_ this is true, I want you to understand that his "rejection" of your closeness is not a rejection of you, but of the sensory overload it brings. Also, if this is true and you want to work it through with him, perhaps you two could reach a compromise in the bedroom where you play out his porn fantasies without invading his physical space--go in the next room and put on a webcam show for him...take some naughty pictures and leave them in the middle of his magazine...do a live striptease but do not get close enough to touch. In turn, you should ask if he can return some of your fantasies--it shouldn't be ALL his way, right?

Just some thoughts. I hestitate to give advice, because real life is always so much more complex than what we can glean from a quick post. Hope this helps.


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CockneyRebel
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03 Sep 2010, 8:09 pm

Divorce him.


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pandorazmtbox
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03 Sep 2010, 8:32 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
Divorce him.


My friend, she's already moved out. That's a huge step after 30 years. Huge. Please don't belittle her struggle by making it seem like something that can be decided by a coin toss. My guess is it isn't that simple or she wouldn't be talking to us.


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