Page 1 of 1 [ 8 posts ] 

MathGirl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Apr 2009
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,522
Location: Ontario, Canada

03 Sep 2010, 4:42 pm

This is a rant of frustration, and also a call out for help.

I am one of these Aspies who is coldly rational and who only connects to people for practical means. I go to my AS groups and to my psychology groups because I know that I need to excite my brain in a different way once in a while to encourage myself to learn more actively and to prevent myself from narrowing my interest way too much. However, it is people outside of these groups that I find extremely difficult to deal with. And my biggest problem is that my own mother is one of these emotionally laden, nonlinear thinkers that frustrate the heck out of me.

I am tired of people not getting straightforward directions. I wish I could just be able to program a person in a certain way so that they do exactly what they're supposed to, for our mutual benefit. I sometimes tell my mother something, and then a few hours later, she asks me about the same thing again. And she's, like, you have to be patient with people. How can I be patient if the same thing happens over and over again many, many times? This "deafness" phenomenon has happened with other people, too. There was one woman at the public speaking club I went to, who was one of these overly cheerful and empathetic types. She pissed me off to no end. Call me unhuman and cold, but it was extremely annoying when she would come up to me and be all smiley and saying how excellent of a job I did on my speech. With me, it's either you provide substantial feedback or don't come up to me without a logically valid reason. I remember asking her a question about the location of an item that ideally would require only two words to answer. It seemed that she ignored me, because she started going on about something in her overly emotional tone of voice. I got so frustrated that I rudely interrupted her and repeated the exact same question in a very harsh tone. At least she snapped out of her mode for a little bit.

I don't know. I can't deal with people. I don't know how to deal with my mother. I don't have any emotional attachment to people whatsoever, including my parents. I see our relationship as functionally beneficial, but nothing beyond that. All of my other relationships are the same way. I do things for people periodically in order to keep our bond strong, but there is no emotional value attached to these things. I've heard my mother wonder whether I actually love her, while talking on the phone with a friend. I haven't told her about who I really am, because she's narrow-minded and it's difficult for her to imagine how a differently-wired brain may operate.

I don't know what to do. My parents might begin refusing to support me financially before I even know it. My ability to verbally communicate is very limited apart from recounting my existing factual knowledge, and I have difficulty adequately responding to emotionally-loaded questions. My mother is very emotional, and emotional people overwhelm me. I don't know whether she understands how my AS affects me, either, because I tried to tell her how I feel about not having some routine in my day to my best abilities, and she couldn't wrap her head around it. She calls me spoiled because she sees me as acting like I always expect to get what I want, and if I don't, I become upset like a little kid. The truth is, I am obsessed with order and I see efficiency as being the most beneficial scenario for me AND everyone else. There's no need to make small talk because it's a waste of time. There;s no need to watch television for hours unless it's educational, because this time could be spent doing something much more intellectually enriching. I see the need to interact with my parents only if the reason is do something that is necessary for our survival. And she feels emotionally deprived when I don't talk to her just to reinforce that emotional bond, when all that would do is cause me distress and anxiety, because it's not a mutual thing. To be honest, I don't even know how to make that kind of exchange without it sounding forced and unnatural. We don't share any interests, and I don't share my interests with people unless they also have knowledge about the topic so that we could engage in an exchange of knowledge. I don't know any other way to communicate.

I'm scared, and I feel stuck. I'm a very emotional person, but my emotions are, at best, only indirectly influenced by my external environment.


_________________
Leading a double life and loving it (but exhausted).

Likely ADHD instead of what I've been diagnosed with before.


Booyakasha
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Oct 2009
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,898

03 Sep 2010, 5:39 pm

I'm very much the same - and I've been having same problems. It's as if the emotional chip is lacking in me, and any kind of emotional talk is as scary and difficult as chopping wood or cleaning the sewerage. Anything that is trivial and serves for nothing other than to purport and maintain the image some people would like to have about me and our "relationship" - I simply avoid. They are usually using the guilt card on us anyway to make us do whatever way they want and of course it is difficult not to blame ourselves and feel guilty at times - but the trick that has started working for me is simply not to judge myself, no matter what, accept the way I operate knowing that I'm doing the best I can.

Once you stop judging yourself - other people's idiosyncrasies tend to be less irritating - simply live and let live. People have certain expectations which can be literally impossible to fulfil - and is all that anxiety/stress worth it? I'd say not. Do they care that they're making us feel stressed out and anxious? I haven't met many (if any) such folks. Dealing them with politeness simply because it's least stressful, not engaging in anything that will haunt me afterwards - just letting them think whatever they want has proved most beneficial for me. If they become irrational - ignoring. They live in their own worlds and are responsible for themselves - wasting time on negativity is simply that - wasting time. Those people won't change no matter what we say/do, just like we won't change simply to meet their expectations.

However if you fear being left without financial support, I reckon you have considered some ways of getting more financially independent, and possibly moving out?

Whatever you decide, wishing all the best.



flybirdfly
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 51
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

03 Sep 2010, 6:01 pm

I think you are a very caring and compassionate person and I think you have a lot to give to the world. I think you are not as cold and linear-thinking as you may think. Other people may make you believe this, but just because you have had difficulty connecting with the people and the types of situations you have mentioned does not make you cold. And I think you are underestimating your ability to connect with people as well. I think maybe you are just a little overwhelmed right now and you are disproportionately seeing the negative things in your life. You seem like you have a whole lot going for you overall. I know you have a big week ahead, so you might want to try to take some extra time to relax so that you don't mentally overwhelm yourself.



Last edited by flybirdfly on 03 Sep 2010, 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

RPM
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 119
Location: Michigan

03 Sep 2010, 6:07 pm

I know how it feels to have people claim you are cold with no care or emotions and all that other stuff, but I know if you work hard you can prove the false stereotypes about yourself are false.

Best you can do is take time to relax, and say to yourself that the people who make false assumptions about you are deadly wrong about you.



MathGirl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Apr 2009
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,522
Location: Ontario, Canada

03 Sep 2010, 8:23 pm

Dealing with politeness works in most cases. However, the relationship with my parents has to move beyond that. That's why it's difficult for me. I spend time with people who understand my idiosyncrasies, a very small minority of people. Many other people don't, though, and I avoid them as best as I can. My parents, however, are people I cannot avoid. That they don't understand my idiosyncrasies is frustrating, and I don't feel as though they accept them, either, because they keep pointing them out and it's really irritating. I know what they are, but now that I'm older and have much more to have to deal with on my own, I can't afford stressing over the tiny details of my behaviour. And I want to experience happiness once and for all, because I was never prevously truly happy about myself the way I am now. Back when I was trying to be normal, I was so stressed out that I didn't feel safe about doing anything beyond high school, and couldn't bring myself to fill out any sort of application. My effort in school was not paying off, either. If I let myself go on at the time without seeing a psychologist about it, I could have driven myself to the suicidal point.

Now, I just try my best to cope while being myself and to be tolerant of my parents, but it's very difficult, and there's no way they could understand it unless they get into my mind. I am moving out on Monday, but that doesn't mean I will lose contact with them. I know that my mom will still be calling me from time to time. And she's very picky on my tone of voice. When I'm very focused, my tone of voice becomes deep and very flat, and she thinks that I'm either upset or angry. It's annoying to have to explain myself each time... sigh. I also have to graduate college, though, before I get a decent job. Maybe my fear of losing financial support was irrational, but I still have no idea what my parents are thinking about me. There's too much uncertainty, and there's always tension between us.

Flybirdfly, I'm glad to hear that you see me for who I am. I have no idea, though. So many things are crashing on me right now. I'm addicted to reading and learning, but beyond the stability that objective, language-based information provides for me, I feel overwhelmed and insecure. I have very low tolerance for anything else, even visual information, and especially people's lack of ability to be specific and logical. I really want to isolate myself and just spend my whole days with my nose in books. However, in order to be able to do that, I have to be independent which means having a job, and having a job means having to interact with people, which means that there's no way I can isolate myself completely no matter how you turn the situation around.

I don't know if I could fully relax and enjoy life anymore, the way I could back when I was a kid. Life just gets more harsh, demanding, and complicated.


_________________
Leading a double life and loving it (but exhausted).

Likely ADHD instead of what I've been diagnosed with before.


flybirdfly
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 51
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

03 Sep 2010, 8:37 pm

MathGirl wrote:
Dealing with politeness works in most cases. However, the relationship with my parents has to move beyond that. That's why it's difficult for me. I spend time with people who understand my idiosyncrasies, a very small minority of people. Many other people don't, though, and I avoid them as best as I can. My parents, however, are people I cannot avoid. That they don't understand my idiosyncrasies is frustrating, and I don't feel as though they accept them, either, because they keep pointing them out and it's really irritating. I know what they are, but now that I'm older and have much more to have to deal with on my own, I can't afford stressing over the tiny details of my behaviour. And I want to experience happiness once and for all, because I was never prevously truly happy about myself the way I am now. Back when I was trying to be normal, I was so stressed out that I didn't feel safe about doing anything beyond high school, and couldn't bring myself to fill out any sort of application. My effort in school was not paying off, either. If I let myself go on at the time without seeing a psychologist about it, I could have driven myself to the suicidal point.

Now, I just try my best to cope while being myself and to be tolerant of my parents, but it's very difficult, and there's no way they could understand it unless they get into my mind. I am moving out on Monday, but that doesn't mean I will lose contact with them. I know that my mom will still be calling me from time to time. And she's very picky on my tone of voice. When I'm very focused, my tone of voice becomes deep and very flat, and she thinks that I'm either upset or angry. It's annoying to have to explain myself each time... sigh. I also have to graduate college, though, before I get a decent job. Maybe my fear of losing financial support was irrational, but I still have no idea what my parents are thinking about me. There's too much uncertainty, and there's always tension between us.

Flybirdfly, I'm glad to hear that you see me for who I am. I have no idea, though. So many things are crashing on me right now. I'm addicted to reading and learning, but beyond the stability that objective, language-based information provides for me, I feel overwhelmed and insecure. I have very low tolerance for anything else, even visual information, and especially people's lack of ability to be specific and logical. I really want to isolate myself and just spend my whole days with my nose in books. However, in order to be able to do that, I have to be independent which means having a job, and having a job means having to interact with people, which means that there's no way I can isolate myself completely no matter how you turn the situation around.

I don't know if I could fully relax and enjoy life anymore, the way I could back when I was a kid. Life just gets more harsh, demanding, and complicated.
I think your life will get better. You are highly intelligent and you can make it in terms of a career. I think your quality of writing alone would be enough to make a comfortable living if you decided to go down that path, and I see no reason why you won't get it into graduate school and be well published. You are a much more abstract thinker than you give yourself credit for being, and I think you'll find university a lot easier than high school. Yes you will still be in contact with your parents, but I believe it will bother you less when it is outside of your home and daily life, and you will feel you have a larger personal space and safety net.



MathGirl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Apr 2009
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,522
Location: Ontario, Canada

03 Sep 2010, 11:04 pm

flybirdfly wrote:
I think your life will get better. You are highly intelligent and you can make it in terms of a career. I think your quality of writing alone would be enough to make a comfortable living if you decided to go down that path, and I see no reason why you won't get it into graduate school and be well published. You are a much more abstract thinker than you give yourself credit for being, and I think you'll find university a lot easier than high school. Yes you will still be in contact with your parents, but I believe it will bother you less when it is outside of your home and daily life, and you will feel you have a larger personal space and safety net.
Thanks. I am worried about university because I'll have to be more independent there, I'll have to take more responsibility. I've never tried studying as well as buying everything I need on my own, as well as washing my own clothes, and taking good care of myself at the same time. It's much easier in that aspect with parents around. Another thing I'm very worried about is group work. It's possible that further into my career at university, I will have to do group work, and the disability card will not always work. Some professors may let me work alone instead (and I really, really wouldn't mind having to do extra work - I would do anything to not have to work in a group!). Some professors may, however, be like, let her try the first time. Every time I worked in a group in high school, I've had problems communicating with my other group members. Besides, the group work in high school is separated - each person is marked for their share of work. In university, every group member gets the same mark. A mark in university is too big of a price to pay. I need to get into grad school. If I don't, I don't know what my parents will do to me.

When it comes to abstract thinking, I think it's just taken me much longer to develop. It's not like I can't do any abstract thinking, but anything involving conceptual things takes much, much longer for me to grasp than it does for other people. It also has its limits.


_________________
Leading a double life and loving it (but exhausted).

Likely ADHD instead of what I've been diagnosed with before.


flybirdfly
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 51
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

03 Sep 2010, 11:54 pm

Independent living takes an adjustment at first, but it just becomes a routine, and as of late I've become better and more efficient at it. It's also liberating and I have more control over my environment, so I can't complain.

I was terrified of group projects too when I started, but they can't hurt you and they won't stop you from getting to grad school. People in university have been (at least for me) order of magnitude easier to communicate with than high school students. And especially after first year, they are much more serious and down to business. Your program may be different, but all of my group projects had both group and individual components, and the group components were always marked ridiculously easy (literally 100% group mark for the last project I did, and the group was not even that bright). At least in my program, professors don't let bad apples ruin people's marks, and if you clearly did a lot of work and other people did not, simply tell the professor and they will make alternative marking arrangements (and they mark you very easily even if your portion isn't done). I thought groups could bring my marks down too, but this was not the case and the group components were more based on work completion than quality of work. My social connection with the other members has always been quite poor, yet the group marks have always bumped me up. Trust me, it's better than you think.

And the thing that high school students do not realize is that university grading is far more subjective. If you talk to the professor during their office hours and show them you are going above and beyond in terms of effort, then they will often mark you easier and give you extra marks. Several times I was bumped an entire grade level just because I got the strength to talk with professors, and believe me, I was not assertive or articulate at all.

And again, I think you're underestimating your intelligence. You're a very deep, focused and reflective thinker, and this should pay off for you in university. It is just that sort of thinking that leads to ideas and accomplishments.