How can I quit caring & being sensitive?

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nick007
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30 Aug 2010, 3:31 am

I used to be a person who was very selfish & I did not care about anyone but myself. I was a person who was not affected by others feelings or emotions unless they involved me somehow. I did not give a _ about how anyone felt as long as things wer OK with me. I was all about myself & no one else. I was not happy thou & I was kind of bitter & lashing out. I was mad at everyone & I think I hated myself deep down. I ended up meeting a girl who was having some problems & I fell in love & it changed me. Some kind of way she broke down my walls & I got in touch with part of myself that I had lost so very long ago. It was like wires had gotten crossed in my brain or something. I am NOT the same person inside now that I was before. I am very sensitive & feeling now but I don't appear that way to people offline.

The sensitive feelings have been causing me lots of problems. When I notice people are upset about something; I feel bad & I try to help. I annoy my family a lot by suggesting things or offering to help with things. They get very mad at me & accuse me of not respecting their priacy & trying to get involved with things that do not concern me. When I try to offer a suggestion about something; they tell me that I do not know what I am talking about. I feel my family thinks I am very stupid & incapable of doing things rite & they often complain about me being lazy when they never give me a chance to try & help. Being sensative is casing lots of problems because I take everything they say very personally & we end up having lots of arguments about it. I feel like I am a burden on my family & like I am an extremely selfish person.
Being sensitive is causing lots of problems with other things as well. I feel like lots of my so-called friends are using me. I do not hear from them unless they need something but whenever I want something they are never around. I am deeply moved by people's problems. Sometimes when I read post on these forums I feel sever emotional pain even thou it may be a story about something that happened years ago & the poster is fine now. I feel like I am having lots of problems because I am so deeply affected by things. I hated the way I was before years ago but having a bleeding heart makes me feel horrible as well. I wish I could turn my feelings off. There was only one time in my life when I felt truly happy but most of my life having feelings sux


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Rosennoir
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30 Aug 2010, 3:47 am

Perhaps just stop caring about your family's woes and let them figure them out for themselves?

That's really general and not helpful; BUT- I'm someone who lives in a basement and maybe sees my parents a few minutes a day when I'm obligated to talk to them while getting dinner or something. I've been this way for years and all as a teenager I've been this way. My personal life however is a mess, and I get very dependent on people I trust. So I don't trust many people anymore.

But I think you should try to be a little more introverted and focus on yourself if you really want to stop feeling for others if you only think it will cause more pain.But isolation and loneliness as I know well can take its tol easily so be careful.



nick007
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30 Aug 2010, 4:53 am

I think I get what your saying about caring about my family less but I feel like I am the cause of a lot of the problems. Maybe not directly but they would be much better off if I had never been born. I try to help because I feel guilty but I make things worse. When I try to avoid my family they complain about how I didn't do something that I didn't know I was supposed to do because they didn't see me to tell me to do it. But when I ask em if they want me to do something; they get mad because they want to be left alone.
It's not just with my family thou. I feel I am waaay to sensitive about lots of things. I feel bad about things that don't concern me or affect me at all. I want to quit caring about things.


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Moog
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30 Aug 2010, 5:05 am

Can I perhaps suggest a rephrasing of your question?

"How can I make being caring and sensitive work for me, instead of against me?"


Obviously, the first thing you can do is to be more circumspect in how and when you give your support. It's tricky. The desire to help can make us do things that actually hurt. We need to develop skill and wisdom in how best to help. Sometimes the best thing is to do nothing. Sometimes people don't want practical help, but instead would like a caring, sympathetic ear or shoulder.

About caring too much being painful... tricky. I find that when I notice pain in the body, whether of physical or emotional cause, then I can let it go. Just let go. It does no good to hold on. I would suggest that you are attached to a desire to get rid of yours and other people's pain, because of a (natural) aversion to pain, and it is the wanting things to be different that causes the suffering. Be mindful of your experience, don't dwell in it.

Maybe you are taking too much responsibility. We are not gods and we cannot help everyone. Taking care of your own well being is a good way of taking care of others, then we are not a burden to them.

So the two ways; learn how best to help what you can help; don't cling when you cannot help.


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Booyakasha
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30 Aug 2010, 6:41 am

Every person is responsible for their own happiness and well-being - you can't carry the burden of the whole world on your shoulders. Carrying your own weight would suffice, in order not to burden the others.

You can't solve other people's problems since they are perfectly capable of solving them - that would be doing a disservice to them, unless they asked for help - and even then it's your own judgement whether you are capable of helping. Don't burden yourself too heavily, otherwise you might crush (happened to me too many times too remember). My poor health is the outcome of it - so if you're hypersensitive person learn to know your boundaries, and detach for your own sake.

Best of luck!



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30 Aug 2010, 7:03 am

Until recently, I kept asking myself the same question; the problem is, of course, that these emotions, these reactions are automatic and unconscious. Hence, by trial and error, asking myself questions (e.g. "does the accuser's tone make me feel upset?", "does the indifference of bystanders make me upset?") and discerning whether these questions triggered any feelings, I found a way to consciously evoke feelings using my thoughts. I recall two important milestones on the way to (and I am still getting there): First, I eventually learned that I have a self-concept, i.e. that "feelings" like happiness and sadness ultimately reflect whether I associate ~myself~ with "good" and "bad", just as I could associate "John" or "a butterfly" or "rainfall" with "good". Second, I learned that whether someone else wanted me to experience any feelings did not suggest I should experience these feelings. In other words, if someone, after I did X, wanted me to feel "good", it should not be an incentive for me to feel "good", nor should it be an incentive for me to feel "not bad". I recall I realized these things soon after a horrible experience that radically altered my outlook on life.

It took me a lot of time and a lot of prerequisites to properly grasp these things, however. Interestingly, these revelations were often accompanied by strange sensations (warmth, coolness, pain relief etc) and automatic actions (gasping, panting, groaning) - probably evidence of ample rewiring in the limbic system. I took these as evidence that I should look further into the problem.

Meditation helped in my progress, I think, though it might not have been the crucial element.

If I can give you one bit of advice, it's that you should take risks. Go ahead and try out a new way of feeling even when you think you might lose something fundamental to your character because of it. I found that most of the changes to my own mind can be reversed, and I don't think I ever became stupid or malevolent because of it.



nick007
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30 Aug 2010, 3:15 pm

There are times when people are not capable of solving their own problems even if they believe that they can on their own; it does not mean that they do not still need help. There wer lots of times in my life when that I needed help with but no one either tried to help me or I refused to let em. I know my life would of turned out a lot better if I had the rite kind of help when I was younger.

I'm not sure that I want to let go of my pain. When I feel bad I focus on that feeling & when the feeling starts to fade; I start focusing on it to make it come back. Maybe this is somehow OCD related or maybe some part of me is addicted. I'd like to go back to the way I was before years ago when I didn't care or feel anything about anyone. I want to quit being sensitive & turn my feelings off. I want to go back to being completely unaffected by movies & tragic news events. I want to recross the wires in my brain to have a Schizoid mentality instead of feeling like scabs are pulling open old sores in my soul. Not sure if this makes any sense


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30 Aug 2010, 4:12 pm

Not sure you can change it, not sure you should change it.

My wife cares and gives till it hurts and beyond. She can get angry, she can shut off, but it is still there. My son and I have better filters [we can seem really cold, disengaged, uncooperative - but the caring is still there.

Even I, the cold one, care about people I have no cause to care about.

I think myself it is a gift.

It hurts, yes. You KNOW people who couln't care less about you are taking advantage, yes. But humanity needs caring people for the same reaon the body needs nerve cells. And nerve cells are like fuses in asn electric circuit, their whole purpose is to get hurt and die before other cells or components burn.

IF YOU CAN - I can, not so sure my wife can yet:

Make sure your needs are taken care of, disengage before you are destroyed - the lifeguard does no good if he lets the swimmer he's rescuing get him down. USE your down times, your recharging opportinities.

AND - remember, ultimately it is not up to YOU to fix everyone and everything. You do not have total responsibility because ultimately you are not all powerful.

There are things that I care greatly about, that I could not stop and could not fix. That made me shout in pain as I drove away that night. But you know, I have followed that one up, and it got fixed. By someone else. Better than I could have.



Moog
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30 Aug 2010, 4:18 pm

nick007 wrote:
I'm not sure that I want to let go of my pain. When I feel bad I focus on that feeling & when the feeling starts to fade; I start focusing on it to make it come back. Maybe this is somehow OCD related or maybe some part of me is addicted. I'd like to go back to the way I was before years ago when I didn't care or feel anything about anyone. I want to quit being sensitive & turn my feelings off. I want to go back to being completely unaffected by movies & tragic news events. I want to recross the wires in my brain to have a Schizoid mentality instead of feeling like scabs are pulling open old sores in my soul. Not sure if this makes any sense


What do you like about your pain so much? Can you explain why you want to hold onto it?


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nick007
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30 Aug 2010, 5:06 pm

Moog wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I'm not sure that I want to let go of my pain. When I feel bad I focus on that feeling & when the feeling starts to fade; I start focusing on it to make it come back. Maybe this is somehow OCD related or maybe some part of me is addicted. I'd like to go back to the way I was before years ago when I didn't care or feel anything about anyone. I want to quit being sensitive & turn my feelings off. I want to go back to being completely unaffected by movies & tragic news events. I want to recross the wires in my brain to have a Schizoid mentality instead of feeling like scabs are pulling open old sores in my soul. Not sure if this makes any sense


What do you like about your pain so much? Can you explain why you want to hold onto it?


I'm not sure what I like about it. Maybe I feel I deserve to feel pain or maybe I think it's better than feeling nothing at all but I'm just guessing


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nick007
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31 Aug 2010, 11:16 pm

I've been thinking about this stuff some more & I am NOT a selfless person. I have made things extremely difficult for my family & I am a burden to society as well. The worst thing thou is that I hurt the one person I ever truly loved & cared about; the one person I would of rathered died than hurt would of probably been better off if we never met because I was to wrapped up in my own thoughts & feelings instead of listening to her about what was really going on in the end. Maybe I feel bad because I believe that I should be punished. If I really was such a caring person; I would of done the world a favor & killed myself a long time ago because it is much better off without me


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01 Sep 2010, 4:11 am

nick007 wrote:
I've been thinking about this stuff some more & I am NOT a selfless person. I have made things extremely difficult for my family & I am a burden to society as well. The worst thing thou is that I hurt the one person I ever truly loved & cared about; the one person I would of rathered died than hurt would of probably been better off if we never met because I was to wrapped up in my own thoughts & feelings instead of listening to her about what was really going on in the end. Maybe I feel bad because I believe that I should be punished. If I really was such a caring person; I would of done the world a favor & killed myself a long time ago because it is much better off without me


I feel for you there, nick. Sorry you hurt your friend like that. But that doesn't mean you deserve to be unhappy. Learn your lessons, mourn the relationship, and move forward. Perhaps clinging onto your pain is in some way an attempt to 'hold onto' that relationship, keeping it alive in your mind and heart, if not in reality. But think about it, how is holding onto your pain helping anyone? When you stop holding onto that pain, you will find you have more energy with which to make more constructive life efforts, and maybe attract someone else to you.


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nick007
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01 Sep 2010, 6:53 am

Maybe I am supposed to be alone because I unintentionally hurt people. I'm a burden to my family & when I try to quit being one; I end up making things worse for em. I'm starting to think that the problem is not the with the rest of the world; the problem is me. Maybe I feel bad about things because I AM the problem. I know a lot of things are beyond my control & that I can only try my best but I cant help feeling responsible & when I try to move on; I screw things up more. The more I try to analyze & understand my feelings; the more confused I get by em. I wish I could turn my feelings & all off or something. I doubt this makes much sense to anyone. I'm getting ready to go to bed. Maybe I'll understand better after a rest.


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01 Sep 2010, 11:51 am

nick007 wrote:
I've been thinking about this stuff some more & I am NOT a selfless person ...
If I really was such a caring person; I would of done the world a favor & killed myself a long time ago because it is much better off without me


No, only people like Hitler have ever had that much ill effect on everyone else, and he only committed suicide in order to avoid the guns already headed directly for him at the time.

nick007 wrote:
There are times when people are not capable of solving their own problems even if they believe that they can on their own; it does not mean that they do not still need help.


People who believe they can solve their own problems are actually blocking themselves from the very help the rest of us know they actually need. So, only they are their own problems there.

nick007 wrote:
There were lots of times in my life when that I needed help with but no one either tried to help me or I refused to let em ...


... and now it is not your fault when *other* people refuse to listen!

nick007 wrote:
I know my life would have turned out a lot better if I had the rite kind of help when I was younger.


Nevertheless, those other people in your life today who either cannot or will not accept help right now are *not* suffering because of you.


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nick007
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02 Sep 2010, 5:43 am

leejosepho wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I know my life would have turned out a lot better if I had the rite kind of help when I was younger.


Nevertheless, those other people in your life today who either cannot or will not accept help right now are *not* suffering because of you.


I feel a lot of guilt about things so maybe I'm trying to make up for it & make peace with myself by focusing on trying to help others. Maybe this has something to do with my relationship with Emily. She was a little younger than me & had some very similar problems with school, getting along with family & other stuff that I had. I'm thinking I mite of wanted to help her so much with things because looking back on my life I wished I had the help & someone to turn to then. I may of been projecting my insecurity, issues & other problems with myself by trying to help her instead of helping myself. I wanted to save her from my mistakes instead of dealing with my own. Mite be why I took it so bad when everything went to hell because I felt like I had failed myself


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