Do I belong?

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I'm having a bit of a difficult time in my head. I've been noticing a lot of disdain for self-diagnosis. I'm just so confused, because I feel as if I KNOW I have AS - I just can't afford to be diagnosed.

I'm not using a self-diagnosis as an excuse for my behavior... if I'm correct in my thinking, the disdain for self-diagnosis comes from people using AS as an excuse for acting like an as*hole. The thing is, I've struggled all my life. When I finally found out what Asperger's is, and began reading about it, everything clicked. I finally felt a sense of identity. I related to almost everything I read. I no longer felt like an alien... or at least, I felt like a happy and adorable alien, rather than just a weirdo.

I've tried to self-diagnose many times before, because something wasn't working in my life. I was different, and I knew it. I would read about symptoms of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder... I would relate, but it never EXPLAINED anything or gave me any methods of coping with what I would experience every day. These problems didn't quite fit, and weren't the root cause of the trouble I was going through. I just felt terminally misunderstood. Since discovering this community and researching AS, I am finally developing a sense of identity of my own, which I never had - I would absorb the identities of others. I am finally becoming happy. I finally realize that it's OK to be myself, even if others find me puzzling.

The problem is, when I feel down, I sometimes worry that I'm wrong. I'm worried that I'm being an as*hole. I can't afford a diagnosis, so what if I'm wrong? If I don't actually have AS, then my newfound sense of identity would be reduced to nothing. Or what if I pursued a diagnosis, only to have the psychologist decide that I was not an aspie?

I still feel as if I cannot tell anyone. I have told one or two trusted people, only to have my self-diagnosis met with derision. So as it stands, I sit with my secret AS identity, but it remains a secret, because without an official diagnosis, I have no way of making others understand how I work. I am also afraid of being mocked, or told that my hypothesis is ridiculous.

know exactly how you feel. I can't afford to get the diagnosis either. And like you, since I've made the self-diagnosis, things seem to make more sense. My wife doesn't understand why I am the way that I am and thinks that if I just try harder, I can change the way that I am. It gets really at times. Wished that I had some great words of wisdom to help, but I'm trying to figure all this out as well.

I'm not using a self-diagnosis as an excuse for my behavior... if I'm correct in my thinking, the disdain for self-diagnosis comes from people using AS as an excuse for acting like an as*hole.

That's correct.

The problem is, when I feel down, I sometimes worry that I'm wrong. I'm worried that I'm being an as*hole. I can't afford a diagnosis, so what if I'm wrong? If I don't actually have AS, then my newfound sense of identity would be reduced to nothing. Or what if I pursued a diagnosis, only to have the psychologist decide that I was not an aspie?

Okay, how does having difficulties make you an as*hole? If you genuinely care about improving yourself and not hurting others, then how could you be an as*hole? Anyway, please don't be afraid that you don't really have AS. AS is merely a label used to describe a set of personality traits, and so what if some psychologist thinks you don't have quite enough traits to qualify? You can still have legitimate social issues without having AS. It's possible that you don't have AS, but so what? That doesn't make your struggles any less real or valid.

I still feel as if I cannot tell anyone. I have told one or two trusted people, only to have my self-diagnosis met with derision. So as it stands, I sit with my secret AS identity, but it remains a secret, because without an official diagnosis, I have no way of making others understand how I work. I am also afraid of being mocked, or told that my hypothesis is ridiculous.

A lot of people have that problem. Even when they get a professional diagnosis, it's still often met with derision and skepticism. Please don't let it get to you.

Anyway, you're always welcome on this site, AS or not.

It cost me $150 to see a clinical psychologist. She said I am so it a great relief to me. My mind works in such a logical, black & white, 'must have answers' fashion that it dictates the burden of proof. It was for my own edification. I'd still require meds for depression and I'd still have social anxiety issues. I actually haven't seen much disdain for the self-diagnosed, by the way. I'm not saying WP is perfect, but they're pretty accepting of all types here.

I've never personally experienced any resentment for my self Dx here at WP, although people may ask questions about it. And it is a spectrum disorder, so just because I'm married and have a job, and have never been clinically Dx'd doesn't disqualify me from having autism issues. We may all be from the same "different" planet, but we're not all on the same boat. It's different for all of us.

I'm self-Dx'd too and WP has, in fact, helped me to self-diagnose. Atfer a lot of reading and posting in here, when I finally made a thread asking people's opinions whether I could have AS or not, all of the replies have been favorable and most have encouraged me to look into the direction of the self-Dx. There was no disdain at all. Afterwards, I came to a conclusion myself and I changed my profile status from "don't know if I have it" to "have AS - undiagnosed" and nobody got angry with me.

However, there has recently been one user who claimed that he had had AS (self-Dx'd) and "grew out of it", telling us to do the same and ending by insulting us all for disagreeing with him. You know, it's people like these who get a disdainful attitude.

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

I also have a self diagnosis and while I am not 100% certain of it, it seems to fit quite well. Every time I try to dismiss it by trying to disprove it, I end up only reinforcing the hypothesis. However, I do know what you mean about having a fear that you may be wrong and have to start all over again. I go through that too, and I think it is a normal thing that most of us who have self-diagnosed correctly do. This is because we are not seeking an excuse to be a jerk but rather are interested in the truth, no matter what it may be. In a way then, it is sort of a confirmation of the diagnosis to question it in the correct way. There may well be people who use it as an excuse to act poorly towards others, but I don't think that is true of anyone who really has it. If anything, we try too hard to learn not to act obnoxious towards others or be misunderstood.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm feeling a lot better now. As far as the disdain for the self-diagnosed goes, I actually don't see much of it on WP, come to think of it... I spend a lot of time on the aspergers subreddit, and I tend to see it more frequently there. Also, if I see something negative somewhere that pertains to myself or my choices, I tend to hang on to it and ruminate unnecessarily. Maybe I should just hang out here more.

And I do realize it is a label to explain a certain type of personality... maybe I don't need to announce it to the world... maybe just continue to use it as a tool to better understand myself and the world around me.