Just got engaged - now I am panicking

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sally7171
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30 Jun 2012, 8:33 pm

redrobin62 wrote:
Well, isn't WP sort of a Lonely Hearts Club Band? From the huge amount of suicidal posts and rejection posts you'd think it was!

I sometimes look at WP as a place to gain social skills. Getting married is like a graduation. You're free now. You've made it in the world. The rest of use are those sad eyed puppies getting left behind in the animal shelter, hoping the next family walking in the front door would adopt us. :(


I completely disagree. I'm happily married and have a wonderful job but I've been visiting this site almost daily because there are always things I want to work on, things I want to learn about myself and other aspies, and advice I want to give whenever possible. Getting married is wonderful but it's not a cure for aspie-ness.

SilkiSifaka, just tell everyone the wedding is very small, family only. I did that and everyone completely understood. However, you definitely need to register at a couple of places like Target or Macy's. Many people are going to insist on giving you a wedding present, and that becomes an issue when you don't register. At first I thought this would seem like a very selfish thing to do, but after having some friends and acquaintences get engaged over the years, I realized how much I wanted to get them a present and how easy it is to do that when they have registered. Make sure you select a good mix of lower, middle, and high priced items so everyone can spend within the range they're comfortable with. Be sure to send a written thank you note for every gift you receive, even if you also thank them in person.


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SilkySifaka
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01 Jul 2012, 7:11 am

redrobin62 wrote:
Good luck, Silky. Sorry to see you go. We had good conversations on WP.


I'm not going anywhere! I hope to have lots more good conversations. I didn't come here looking for a relationship, I just came for friends and companionship and understanding. I do feel lucky that I've found someone who can put up with me when other people are struggling, but there will always be things that people here can understand and help me with that my boyfriend will not be able to.

Anyway, I'm still unemployed so I haven't 'made it' just yet! :P



Brianruns10
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01 Jul 2012, 11:43 am

SilkySifaka wrote:
I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where to put it.

Yesterday I got engaged. I'm very happy about that, we've been together a long time and getting married is important to us. We've talked about it a lot, and I agreed to get married as long as we could have a very small wedding so it will just be immediate family (my parents and sister, his parents and sister and her husband). So that is all fine.

My problem is that since we've announced it suddenly a few people are sending me emails, FB messages and texts and asking about the wedding and talking as if they are presuming they will be invited! This has really surprised me as some of these people have barely bothered to speak to me for months and none are close friends. One person I was once quite close to dropped me completely about six months ago and now they have reappeared and offered to help me organize my wedding and making suggestions about where I should have it, how much I should spend etc. None of these people know about my Aspergers.

Now I am in an utter panic because I don't know how to tell them that there won't be a proper wedding without sounding rude. The longer I don't say anything the worse it is going to get. I'm so confused, I'm awful at this sort of thing. What should I do, or say?

Sorry for the long post. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it very much.


You should travel some place nice and far away. That's my plan, should the day ever come. It allows you to have a small ceremony and eschew all the bloat that makes weddings so miserable, yet you have a plausible reason to not invite all those people expecting it. Bluff and see how many will call you on it, and pay thousands to fly somewhere.

Or failing that, have a sunrise ceremony someplace remote you have to hike to. People say they care, but if they have to get out of bed early, and have to do physical exertion, believe you me they'll find an excuse to bail like THAT. NTs are nothing if not predictable.



SilkySifaka
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01 Jul 2012, 12:15 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
You should travel some place nice and far away. That's my plan, should the day ever come. It allows you to have a small ceremony and eschew all the bloat that makes weddings so miserable, yet you have a plausible reason to not invite all those people expecting it. Bluff and see how many will call you on it, and pay thousands to fly somewhere.

Or failing that, have a sunrise ceremony someplace remote you have to hike to. People say they care, but if they have to get out of bed early, and have to do physical exertion, believe you me they'll find an excuse to bail like THAT. NTs are nothing if not predictable.


Those are very good and devious ideas!They might not work for me because I wouldn't want to get married somewhere unfamiliar, I'm not good with new places. Also, my parents and my boyfriends parents are pensioners so I don't think they'd manage a hike :D I'm sure if you get married it will lovely and exotic.



TalksToCats
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01 Jul 2012, 2:31 pm

Congratulations.

When me and my SO got married it was perhaps a bit easier for us as we'd been living together so long no-one expected it any-more.

We just told everyone the wedding was going to be close family and friends only and everyone was fine with it. We also did all the organisation and paid for it ourselves so we got just what we wanted.

No-one who wasn't immediate relatives (parents - siblings) was invited and just a few very close friends.

I didin't invite anyone from work (who I suppose you call acquaintances).

So as not to offend my workmates I invited them round our house for drinks and nibbles as a kind of celebration about 2 months afterwards which was quite fun - they had bought me a rather nice engagement present, much to my surprise, so this seemed like a nice thing to do at the time. However, since I have nothing to do with any of them now - it probably wouldn't have mattered if I hadn't done this.

I wasn't on facebook at the time (not sure whether it existed then, so it was a bit easier to avoid people too...)

You could always to arrange to meet some of these people for drinks, or something else you'd both enjoy, after the wedding if you wanted...

It's your day, it should be what you both want. Everyone I've met whose had a really small wedding has really enjoyed them - larger weddings seem to be a lot more stressful for people...I personally recommend the smallest wedding you can get away with - our's was pretty much registry office followed by meal in restaurant and it was great...

Many Congratulations again.

(edited for typos)



thewhitrbbit
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01 Jul 2012, 9:11 pm

People love weddings. It means a free meal, free booze (sometimes) and a party.

It's completely ok and normal to worry about the guest list. Two of my good friends have got married and I got to see the process helping them. NT or AS, you will never be able to invite everyone and everyone worries about this.

Invite the people you feel will make your special day special. People may get hissy, but you need to do what makes you happy.



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02 Jul 2012, 12:49 am

Just tell these people pushing for an invitation that it's going to be a very small, private ceremony, for the immediate families only. If they don't like it, it's their problem, not yours. As others have said here, it's YOUR day, not theirs.


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SilkySifaka
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02 Jul 2012, 2:54 am

Thank you, everyone.

Talks to Cats: that's a good idea about a little post wedding evening for the people who didn't come to the wedding. We may have to do that twice (in two different places) but I can manage that. Our wedding will be very similar to yours I think, registry office and restaurant. I'm glad you were happy with your wedding, I'm sure we will be too.

thewhitrbbit - Yes I suppose the free booze is quite an incentive for going to a wedding, especially for Scottish people (we'll be getting marred in my home time in Scotland). I think only one person will get hissy, so I've arranged to meet them face to face because I think they will get less hissy if I tell them that way.

DJ Fester - Yes I just need to be firm. If they want to plan a wedding differently then they are free to get married themselves!