I don't know if I can do this anymore

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jpr11011
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28 Aug 2012, 7:21 pm

(this post may be triggering for depressed individuals)

I really don't know if I can do this anymore.

I have no stamina or motivation. I don't know if I can't sleep or won't sleep. I talk too much, I'm an annoyance and a burden. I can't get motivated to do anything-it's infuriating because I FINALLY got the ADD under control and lo and behold a month and a half later depression saps my will to achieve. I'm not suicidal but part of me wonders if that's because I don't even have the get-up-and-go to kill myself.

Everything seems so viscous, and the future is more daunting than ever. I have to do college applications this year, I don't know if I'll even succeed out of the house, but staying in the house is killing me. I haven't gotten my driver's license yet because the idea of driving terrifies me. I cannot abide social interaction anymore-I don't want to leave my room. The past 3 days I've basically just browsed the internet and stimmed. I have the urge to cut but am resisting it.

I just want to cry but the tears won't come.

Everyone thinks I'm annoying- even I do. People don't want to hear me speak, I've been trying to shut up but I cannot stay too quiet too long. I'm so, so incompetent too. I always, always manage to muddle things up-it's like I cannot even do one task correctly for any duration of time. Everyone thinks I'm a moron. My family tires of me. They've even outright told me that the reason they laugh at me is because if they didn't they wouldn't be able to cope with me. They're not bad parents in the least-they've been great and looked after my every need, but I'm a huge strain. I ruined my sister's childhood by getting all the (negative) attention. ADD wasted my school career-it was only identified this past spring.

I want to be likable. I want a drive to succeed. I want to not be a failure, but I always will be. I don't know...I don't know if I can do this anymore. I've fought depression for years. I've muddled up everyone else's life for years. They'd be better off without me but if I killed myself I'd be deified in their minds as all dead people are. I already wasted the best years of their lives-their only 20s, 30s, and early 40s they'll ever get. I'm 18, so finally I'll get out of their hair soon-next year I go off to college and I don't even know how to cope with that or anything else.

I'm just a complete loser.



Greatsharkbite
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28 Aug 2012, 7:52 pm

Sorry you're feeling the way that you do.

I hate social interaction with a passion too. I don't hate the "potential" of it, to be loved, to be accepted, respected or liked. But people can be such morons, that sometimes you just don't want to deal with it even if that potential is possible.

I'm not depressed (not at the moment) and I don't think people are better off without you either. Have you considered that you might just be around incredibly negative people? What defines a moron? Certainly not someone who writes incredibly well like you do, so since you're not isn't it more likely that these people are just incredibly impatient with the things you're not good at? I suck at a lot of stuff and when I meet people who claim they're good at everything, I find out after further inspection that they suck just as much as I do at different things when a deeper look is taken and are full of bullcrap. People like that hide their insecurities by putting others down and putting themselves on the pedestal.

Also no offense to your family, but someone who says they can't cope with me isn't ever a true "family" member to me. There is no situation that could make me say that to someone. Its cruel.

For college.. I know the idea is scary, I think the way to look at it is simply look at what you want out of the situation. There can be morons at college, but there can also be very cool and open minded individuals as well. You just need to think about what you want.



glasstoria
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28 Aug 2012, 10:35 pm

Depression is a big smelly liar, and will tell you horrible things about yourself that aren't factual. So don't listen to it, because it will tell you bad stuff, and usually the truth is far more balanaced and reasonable. The first lie is that just bc you feel bad now, it will keep feeling that way forever. You will feel better later, you just need help and positive support and guidance. Your family doesn't sound like a place to receive any of that, but a counselor or pastor could talk to you about what your strengths truly are without placing weird family expectations on you.

I also didn't drive for a long time, wasn't sure about college, especially the unknown future. I still don't know about the future, but I do know that it never all comes at once, you only ever have to deal with this day, and this moment. That doesn't make all my anxiety go away, but it does put it in perspective for me at times. Sometimes college is a really nice place because you only have one or two classes a day, and sometimes you can even take a nap in between classes to recharge. And if a class is really horrible, you know for sure it will be over in four months at semester's end. It can't hurt to give it a try, and you might find some better help and encouragement from people who aren't your family.

Always have hope.


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AutisticBelle
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28 Aug 2012, 11:48 pm

:cry:
It sounds like you're in limbo, and worse, in limbo in a dark place.
Maybe you should stop thinking so much about the future for now. You said you're gettting ready for college, right? Instead of launching into nothing but serious classes, I think you might benefit from something else. Take an art class, dance class, self defense class or something physical. Maybe drama, so you can harness and let loose all these emotions.
For now, you should'nt worry about moving out of the house, but to get a break from your family you might want to take long walks, or go to a park and listen to music. If you try to move out right now, before you get on an even keel, it might just get worse later on.
Maybe you could start a video diary, so you can talk and put your thoughts there, instead of saying everything to your family. Perhaps what annoys people is not that you talk so much, but the way you say it. I sometimes have a problem with volume and my voice annoys people. I've trained myself to speak softly, and people are now more willing to listen.
I'm sure you did'nt ruin your sisters childhood. You helped to build her, as she doubtless helped build you. Without each other, nothing would be the same. And without, the life of your family would be less, less satisfying, less interst and less loving, not easier.
And I doubt that you're a moron. :) For one thing, you seem to write every well and are articulate. You might be like a butterfly (Meaning you flit from one thing to the other, before finishing what you originally started) but that just means the wheels in your head are always turning.
I agree with glasstoria; Depression is a big ugly liar and you should just flip it the bird every now and then. :D
And you're not a loser. You would only be a loser if you let yourself be, and from the tone of her post, you have no intention of doing that.
(Oh, and I have depression too, though its mostly under control now, so I can sympathize. Some of what I wrote worked for me, so it might work for you too. I hope things get better for you soon.)