Learning to be autistic after late diagnosis

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Cherrymoon
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19 Apr 2015, 6:57 am

Hi all,

Ive spotted this as a theme on some blogs, but feel it's only really touched upon, but could be fundamental to making the world a better place for us - which is identifying strategies for how we can re-learn, after late diagnosis, how to be ourselves.

I'm posting this in the women's section because it has been recognised that diagnostic techniques are failing to identify women in part because of how we mask our differences.

This masking, while it buys a kind of inclusion or access to things we need for survival, like having a job, is always to some degree at the expense of our real selves, self-esteem, sense of identity, Liberty...oh, and it's exhausting!

In my own life I'm looking for strategies on how to make a bit more room for doing things differently, like disclosing different learning/working styles/needs to an employer, and so on.

But I'm realising a few things:

When I let myself attend to my senses by moving how my body wants to move, I think better, I can process the world and my emotions. But I can only do this alone because I'm so conditioned to self-conscious self-editing around other people.

All people, to greater or lesser degree, feel the pressure of normalcy - of how we are supposed to act, live etc. but those on the spectrum feel it acutely, I think because we fit in less with mainstream norms.

I wonder, what are your strategies for making room to be yourself?

Do you have any clues as to what it means to truly 'be myself'?

I think it takes so much self-assurance and self-knowledge, and support to do this, resources we are often lacking after years of flitting between experiences of rejection and managing to mask.

Is there a third way?

My hunch is that this needs collective support from within the autistic/aspie communities - something which WO is great for.

So, how to be an Aspie woman?



Hyperborean
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19 Apr 2015, 7:02 am

I see you just posted on another forum about diagnosis in Oxford. If you're in or near Oxford too, I might be able to suggest a few possibilities. Send me a pm if you like.



bdot
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22 Apr 2015, 3:44 am

Cherrymoon wrote:
Hi all,

Ive spotted this as a theme on some blogs, but feel it's only really touched upon, but could be fundamental to making the world a better place for us - which is identifying strategies for how we can re-learn, after late diagnosis, how to be ourselves.

I'm posting this in the women's section because it has been recognised that diagnostic techniques are failing to identify women in part because of how we mask our differences.

This masking, while it buys a kind of inclusion or access to things we need for survival, like having a job, is always to some degree at the expense of our real selves, self-esteem, sense of identity, Liberty...oh, and it's exhausting!

In my own life I'm looking for strategies on how to make a bit more room for doing things differently, like disclosing different learning/working styles/needs to an employer, and so on.

But I'm realising a few things:

When I let myself attend to my senses by moving how my body wants to move, I think better, I can process the world and my emotions. But I can only do this alone because I'm so conditioned to self-conscious self-editing around other people.

All people, to greater or lesser degree, feel the pressure of normalcy - of how we are supposed to act, live etc. but those on the spectrum feel it acutely, I think because we fit in less with mainstream norms.

I wonder, what are your strategies for making room to be yourself?

Do you have any clues as to what it means to truly 'be myself'?

I think it takes so much self-assurance and self-knowledge, and support to do this, resources we are often lacking after years of flitting between experiences of rejection and managing to mask.

Is there a third way?

My hunch is that this needs collective support from within the autistic/aspie communities - something which WO is great for.

So, how to be an Aspie woman?


I think I'm going through a similar thing at the moment. I'm finding it quite liberating, it's like getting some extra time in the day now that I don't waste so much time attempting to act like or understand other people.

I am finding this forum to be very helpful in learning about what is normal for me. Reading a post along the lines of "does anyone else do X?", and thinking "oh! I do that, I didn't know anyone else did" makes me feel much better.

My main strategy just now is to stop the worrying I do around social interactions. I would often come away from an interaction wondering if that look or that phrase had some meaning that I didn't understand, or if I had inadvertently done something to upset or offend the person, or make myself look silly. I'm doing my best to avoid such thoughts now and accepting that I might or might not have done the wrong thing, but it's alright.

I'm also allowing myself to do the "weird" things I do, the obsessive things or strange movements I've previously suppressed. They make me feel good and there's nothing wrong with the things I do, although I also wouldn't do them around other people.



dryope
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22 Apr 2015, 5:21 am

There is a lot out there on this! I'm traveling and don't have easy access to all the books and bookmarked sites I have been using, but I've posted in this issue before if you are into dumpster diving through my post history (ugh...I'm kind of an idiot sometimes, so you may have to hold your nose if you do).

Basically, I just let myself do what I wanted (without thinking) in every situation where it was safe to (not work) and observed myself. I took notes on my behavior. It took a few months, but I gradually fell into recognizable patterns from my teenage years, before I became severely depressed and tried to change myself to fit in and got more depressed. I learned that I can't pick my special interests -- they are hard-wired to me -- and I can't ignore them or I will get depressed. I learned that the more aware I am of social cues (much more than as a kid) the more anxious I am in social situations. I learned who I am is highly interested in the welfare of others I'm talking to, but also intense and easily hurt.

I can play the social game in two situations: if I can be me without judgement (around family and friends) or if I can follow a script. But following a script feels hollow, so I don't want to do it. This means I am working on blending the techniques, to be myself and consider my words for context before I speak. This is an NT skill, and one I'm slow at. It's like they've all had professional dance lessons and I'm just trying to keep up. But I think learning this skill is the real key to dropping the mask.

It was when I was about 31 or so that I had my first experience of someone giving me a look over someone else's head that meant "he is acting inappropriately, but there is nothing polite I can say about it." I know that look, because I had only ever seen people give it to others over my head. That's about when all my hard work to understand people paid off and I improved my social reading skills -- which I paid for with sudden social mutism, constant anxiety, and bouts of depression. But I'm glad I gained it -- although it's not perfect, it's good enough, and it gives me the tools to stop trying to be someone else and just be myself.

I hope this helps. If not, Google Tony Atwood's YouTube video on social masks. :)


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Cherrymoon
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22 Apr 2015, 3:32 pm

Thanks for these replies!

(Btw I'm nowhere nr Oxford just knew about that org, but thanku)


I find it liberating too like a process of self discovery, but still have a long way to go before I let go of being so self-conscious. But yes more time and energy to put into things that are good for me.

One thing that is also helping is realising the impact of my different communication style/needs and how much I hsvent accounted for this pre-dx, and the impact on relationships. That it's not my fault but I can do something about it now that I have a more accurate self- image. Actually I'm not sure I have that but I'm starting to be able to ask for what I need and to explain that there was miscommunication.

Stopping the worrying and allowing the weird and special interests - yes!
Although some bad masking habits are hard to kick as they still feel safest although the hollowness is unbearable now.

Sometimes I think not knowing has led me to have had a kind of 'personality anorexia' and its a relief to forgive myself for not being like "everyone else".

I'll check out your back catalogue dryope!



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24 Apr 2015, 3:10 pm

Learning to be oneself? I don't get it. All the faking in the world can't make me forget who I really am.



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24 Apr 2015, 8:12 pm

I would say that it's not about learning to be myself- but rather, remembering who I was before my abusive neurotypical foster parents got ahold of me and shaped me into the neurotypical child they wanted me to be. I don't remember much of what I was like when I was purely autistic- before the influence of all these controlling people who changed me into the person they wanted... so after my diagnosis I didn't actually change that much but I am going back to not holding as much eye contact and being comfortable with discussing with my fiance that I do need time to prepare for events and things like that. Oh, and accepting/adopting the identity (label) as an autistic. I thought when I got my diagnosis that I would change back into what I used to be, but I can't because I don't really remember what I was like before I learned how to pass. As I've read on some other threads, we are autistic but we have neurotypical traits- so we have both. And that's okay. Don't worry, you'll find your place as time goes on.


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Cherrymoon
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25 Apr 2015, 4:41 am

starkid wrote:
Learning to be oneself? I don't get it. All the faking in the world can't make me forget who I really am.


Hi Starkid,
I guess I don't mean learning to be oneself, but learning to not betray oneself via unhealthy coping strategies. Or unlearning anti-skills - such as the compulsion to try to be what someone else wants you to be at the expense of your real needs.

For me personally, faking has to some degree led to me forgetting who I am - I know who the fake me is, but if I really allowed myself the time and room to discover my true reaction and behaviour I would probably learn new things about myself instead of learn how to better fake it.
I think this is partly linked to alexithymia and to compensating for unconsciously perceived weaknesses pre-dx. But also I think a lot of 'faking' is unintentional because it stems from others assumptions about me and my being slower to process what I really think/feel/want to say and so for the sake of social ease, just going along with it.

One example is that I didn't realise I find eye contact difficult because I have built ways around it - I actually don't *look* while making eye contact, and had also forgotten how I used to get this feeling of eye terror, even from my own reflection in the mirror.

Also, when your main references for building a self-image are NT it can make for a pretty convoluted, patched together idea of who you are, something which got sorted out after realising, slowly that I might be autistic.

But I'm glad you have maintained a strong sense of who you are!
Thanks for the question.



dryope
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30 Apr 2015, 9:05 pm

This is also a good resource for these issues, by the way (if you haven't seen it already). It's a book by the woman who writes Musings of an Aspie (http://musingsofanaspie.com/):

Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life
http://www.amazon.com/Nerdy-Shy-Socially-Inappropriate-Asperger/dp/1849057575


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