Bullied by Family Members over the Way You Dress?

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Dione
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11 Dec 2015, 5:08 am

My family constantly makes comments on my clothing. I tend to prefer knee-length, loose skirts or relaxed boot cut jeans and unisex T-shirts. I have a large bust, so I wear a lot of minimizing bras. I get a lot of crap for this, particularly from my two NT sisters. I had been teased for it throughout my youth, with many kids in high school calling me a derogatory term for a lesbian (this probably largely stems from a rumor after I came out as a heteroromantic bisexual to the wrong person). Ever since then, my family has been very critical of my appearance.

My mother often complains of my curly hair. My mom prefers her hair straight, while I prefer to leave mine natural. This has led to my mom going so far as to call my hair a "Jew 'fro," and my paternal grandmother to call it "kinky."

Things have become particularly weird since I made the mistake of giving the older of my two younger sisters my Thinkgeek wishlist for Christmas ideas after she requested them. She complained to my youngest sister that I wanted all "men's" clothing and that she was going to get me "proper" clothing in place of what I prefer. My youngest sister then proceeded to tell this to me and criticize my clothing, saying that the shirts I wear are "too masculine" and accused me of not wearing women's pants because they're too loose. I refuse to wear skinny jeans and overly fitted clothing partly due to sensory issues and partly (in the case of skinny jeans) the heightened risk of permanent nerve damage, which I already have due to the fact that I have burned my feet while cooking barefoot without realizing it.

I'm getting really sick of the backhanded comments and the overall nastiness regarding my appearance. I did try to contact my sister and explain that not only does wearing tight clothing upset my sensory issues, but it also will affect me on a professional level as a field archaeologist because baggy clothes are desired as a way of preventing chafing and wicking excess sweat away from the body whereas tight clothing will cause or exacerbate chafing and can cause discomfort due to the proximity of moist clothing near the body. Unfortunately, my comments appear to have fallen on deaf ears, as I have not yet received a response.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, has anyone else been through this, and is there anything else I can do?



HisMom
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11 Dec 2015, 7:47 pm

I had a very, very, very controlling (and bat sh1t crazy) set of parents. Long story short, I have very, very, very little to do with them now. Go, figure.

I am also confused by your post. Was your family always critical of your appearance or did that start after you admitted to being bi-sexual ?

In any case, never JADE. Ever. JADE is acronym for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain. Never JADE your lifestyle, your choices, your clothing, your kids, your thoughts, your actions, your hobbies to anyone unless your choices directly and negatively impact them (which they won't unless we're talking about your husband or your children).

If anyone has a problem with you or anything you do / wear / like etc, then that's their problem, not yours. You can't live your life trying to please other people. You will get depressed, frustrated and miserable. Also, it does not matter if they are your family of origin or family by marriage, if people cannot respect and treat you like an adult, then they shouldn't be in your life. Life is too short to be around the negative, critical Nancies. These people have agendas that don't coincide with yours, and certainly may not involve your well-being, so let them go. You can't choose who your family is, but you certainly choose whether you want anything to do with them or not.

Hang in there.


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Dione
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12 Dec 2015, 11:40 am

HisMom wrote:
I had a very, very, very controlling (and bat sh1t crazy) set of parents. Long story short, I have very, very, very little to do with them now. Go, figure.

I am also confused by your post. Was your family always critical of your appearance or did that start after you admitted to being bi-sexual ?

In any case, never JADE. Ever. JADE is acronym for Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain. Never JADE your lifestyle, your choices, your clothing, your kids, your thoughts, your actions, your hobbies to anyone unless your choices directly and negatively impact them (which they won't unless we're talking about your husband or your children).

If anyone has a problem with you or anything you do / wear / like etc, then that's their problem, not yours. You can't live your life trying to please other people. You will get depressed, frustrated and miserable. Also, it does not matter if they are your family of origin or family by marriage, if people cannot respect and treat you like an adult, then they shouldn't be in your life. Life is too short to be around the negative, critical Nancies. These people have agendas that don't coincide with yours, and certainly may not involve your well-being, so let them go. You can't choose who your family is, but you certainly choose whether you want anything to do with them or not.

Hang in there.


They were always a bit critical of my appearance, but it got really bad after my sister came home reporting that I was being called a d*** at school in the halls and that other students were saying I was too ugly to set foot outside without makeup. To this day, the only people who know of my sexual orientation are my husband, two close friends, and the youngest of my sisters. At that point, I could not buy a scrap of clothing without my parents learning that it was trendy from my sisters. Mind you, I wore very much what I wear today: no makeup unless you count sunscreen, unisex tshirts, and women's boot cut jeans. I did used to wear men's shorts and pants for a time, but when my husband politely told me he was afraid I was getting into eating disorder territory due to the fact that I thought I didn't look good in anything but baggy clothes and then told me how much he liked my body that I started wearing women's jeans and skirts again.



hm76
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12 Dec 2015, 12:14 pm

I had quite a bit of this, though not as bad as you are describing - especially as a teen and young adult. For me, the only thing that worked was to just ignore it and carry on wearing what I wanted to. I remember talking to my Mum a few years afterwards and commented to her that we didn't argue about my dress sense any more and her comment was 'I gave up.' I just didn't feel comfortable in tight clothing and also in anything particularly feminine. In my case I think my Mum was trying to help me to some degree - I had very few friends at the time and was struggling socially and she thought if I wore the 'right' clothes and make up that it would help. Also she had this idea that wearing certain clothes would somehow make me feel more confident. It took me longer to stop feeling guilty about it though - for some silly reason I thought that many women were putting themselves through the hassle of wearing make up, high heels and tight clothing to please other people and be 'good girls' until it suddenly dawned on me that they enjoyed the whole process, in the same way I enjoyed wearing jeans, T shirts, boots and going hiking at the weekend.

From the whole 'you look like a dyke angle' - have had that too and still get it on occasion but most people stop quite quickly because I just don't care if I do and will tell them that if necessary. I remember a student saying this to me a few years ago and the look on her face when I said that I really didn't care if she thought I was gay as some of my friends are and I think they are great people was pretty amusing. Also making comments like this shows quite a lot of ignorance on their part in my opinion as many lesbians are completely indistinguishable from straight women on appearance and likewise there are plenty of straight women who do not look feminine.

You have the right to be who you are - if anybody is nasty to you about it, it often says quite a bit about how they feel about themselves.



Dione
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12 Dec 2015, 8:33 pm

hm76 wrote:
I had quite a bit of this, though not as bad as you are describing - especially as a teen and young adult. For me, the only thing that worked was to just ignore it and carry on wearing what I wanted to. I remember talking to my Mum a few years afterwards and commented to her that we didn't argue about my dress sense any more and her comment was 'I gave up.' I just didn't feel comfortable in tight clothing and also in anything particularly feminine. In my case I think my Mum was trying to help me to some degree - I had very few friends at the time and was struggling socially and she thought if I wore the 'right' clothes and make up that it would help. Also she had this idea that wearing certain clothes would somehow make me feel more confident. It took me longer to stop feeling guilty about it though - for some silly reason I thought that many women were putting themselves through the hassle of wearing make up, high heels and tight clothing to please other people and be 'good girls' until it suddenly dawned on me that they enjoyed the whole process, in the same way I enjoyed wearing jeans, T shirts, boots and going hiking at the weekend.

From the whole 'you look like a dyke angle' - have had that too and still get it on occasion but most people stop quite quickly because I just don't care if I do and will tell them that if necessary. I remember a student saying this to me a few years ago and the look on her face when I said that I really didn't care if she thought I was gay as some of my friends are and I think they are great people was pretty amusing. Also making comments like this shows quite a lot of ignorance on their part in my opinion as many lesbians are completely indistinguishable from straight women on appearance and likewise there are plenty of straight women who do not look feminine.

You have the right to be who you are - if anybody is nasty to you about it, it often says quite a bit about how they feel about themselves.


It sounds like your parents are less stubborn than mine are. They think that if they complain enough that I'll give in. Personally, I don't dress to please them; I dress to my comfort.

I also agree with your comments about homosexuality. I've never understood it to be a bad thing since homosexuality produces some really beautiful people.



xxZeromancerlovexx
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13 Dec 2015, 5:07 pm

My mom doesn't care what I wear. I'm also 22 years old so it doesn't matter.I shop at a lot of mainstream stores like American Eagle, Forever21, Rue21 and H&M to give some examples. My style isn't "quirky" or "unusual" in my opinion. I told my mom that I dress mainstream enough and my brother was sarcastic about it. UGG boots are super mainstream so is the stuff I wear. I don't know if his sarcasm counts as bullying or not. I love my UGG boots :)


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Varelse
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13 Dec 2015, 6:30 pm

This situation looks painful, I'm sorry you are getting this from your family.

Since your husband loves your body and has told you this, can he be recruited to back you up in getting your family to lay off with their obnoxious, rude and annoying personal attacks and slights? I also love HisMom's advice about not JADEing with these folks - gonna copy that one myself for future reference, actually.



Dione
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13 Dec 2015, 7:16 pm

Varelse wrote:
This situation looks painful, I'm sorry you are getting this from your family.

Since your husband loves your body and has told you this, can he be recruited to back you up in getting your family to lay off with their obnoxious, rude and annoying personal attacks and slights? I also love HisMom's advice about not JADEing with these folks - gonna copy that one myself for future reference, actually.


Unfortunately they don't think too highly of him. His parents have been known to refer to me as the Marilyn Munster of my family because my parents refer to me as being exceptionally plain.



Varelse
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13 Dec 2015, 7:27 pm

Dione wrote:
Varelse wrote:
This situation looks painful, I'm sorry you are getting this from your family.

Since your husband loves your body and has told you this, can he be recruited to back you up in getting your family to lay off with their obnoxious, rude and annoying personal attacks and slights? I also love HisMom's advice about not JADEing with these folks - gonna copy that one myself for future reference, actually.


Unfortunately they don't think too highly of him. His parents have been known to refer to me as the Marilyn Munster of my family because my parents refer to me as being exceptionally plain.

It looks like your family, and perhaps especially your parents, are not respectful or kind to you in many ways. This is unfortunate. Is it feasible for you to limit your contact with these people? It doesn't sound like there is much that is pleasant about interacting with them, either for you or your husband.



xxZeromancerlovexx
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13 Dec 2015, 7:36 pm

I explained the JADE acronym to my mom. That's advice to live by. Being picked on about how you dress or how you look is not fun.


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Last edited by xxZeromancerlovexx on 13 Dec 2015, 8:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

cberg
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13 Dec 2015, 7:52 pm

That and my dislike of haircuts. My family complains of my simple clothes all the time. It's a lot of trim this, button that, those pants are ripped kind of thing...


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Dione
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13 Dec 2015, 9:29 pm

Varelse wrote:
Dione wrote:
Varelse wrote:
This situation looks painful, I'm sorry you are getting this from your family.

Since your husband loves your body and has told you this, can he be recruited to back you up in getting your family to lay off with their obnoxious, rude and annoying personal attacks and slights? I also love HisMom's advice about not JADEing with these folks - gonna copy that one myself for future reference, actually.


Unfortunately they don't think too highly of him. His parents have been known to refer to me as the Marilyn Munster of my family because my parents refer to me as being exceptionally plain.

It looks like your family, and perhaps especially your parents, are not respectful or kind to you in many ways. This is unfortunate. Is it feasible for you to limit your contact with these people? It doesn't sound like there is much that is pleasant about interacting with them, either for you or your husband.


Unfortunately we live a few minutes away from them, so it's really tough not to visit them. As it is, I stopped having them sit for my dog, so at least I don't see them every day.



Varelse
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14 Dec 2015, 2:22 pm

Dione wrote:
Unfortunately we live a few minutes away from them, so it's really tough not to visit them. As it is, I stopped having them sit for my dog, so at least I don't see them every day.


Well, that is certainly a step toward a more pleasant existence - no one should have to deal with that kind of treatment on a daily basis, for sure. One friend of mine had a strategy that worked wonders for her relationship with her somewhat difficult mother: she would end each transaction (phone call, visit, whatever) the very second that the unpleasant behaviour (complaining, downing, nagging) started, with a firm "goodbye, Mom, this doesn't work for me" and she'd reward each incident of desirable behaviour (thanking her for calling instead of complaining that she 'never' called) with more and longer interaction.

My friend said it was very difficult at first to be consistent (guilt or a desire to 'make nice' would creep in) but over time as she continued to hold firm with this approach, her mother became increasingly agreeable. She also noted that at first, her mother increased the undesirable behaviour, and only later began to reshape it for better outcomes. She warned me that this is the usual response to such a protocol.

And another suggestion: even though you do only live a few minutes away, making it seem perhaps unreasonable to avoid contact with your family, in reality it isn't only physical distance that imposes a cost on interactions with people. The full cost of each visit can be felt in its aftermath - how it makes you feel and think about yourself, and how it affects your husband as well. It may actually be far more reasonable to limit visits to 30 minutes or so once or twice a year, than to continue to expose yourself to the painful and stressful treatment on a regular basis.

If they want to see you more frequently than that, then they need to make an effort to be more pleasant and agreeable as well. Guilt is a preferred and highly effective tool of the bully, but it only works for them when you agree to bow to it. You're under no obligation to feel guilty about avoiding people who routinely fail to treat you with respect, regard, good manners, and basic kindness.

Speaking personally, I am a total stranger who does not and never will know enough about you to know exactly what you *should* do in this, or any other situation that you find yourself in. However, I do want you to make yourself and your husband happy, as clearly he does seem to love and value you in a way that your 'blood' family apparently does not. Whatever that works out to be for you, is in my opinion the very best thing you can possibly do.



Pill
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14 Dec 2015, 3:38 pm

I just wanted to jump in to offer support, even if it doesn't help much :/

My mom, who was diagnosed with ADHD after I was, and my dad, who is probably un-diagnosed with ASD, always had a hard time fitting in themselves when it comes to clothes, and never gave me much direction or criticism either way. I grew up in a town with a punk scene, and my friends and I all liked anime when we were young, so I've had brightly colored hair since I was old enough to have my own spending cash.

I was never bullied by my parents, but my mom's family always made me feel bad about the way I dressed, which was a shock because my mom was so into "artistic expression" and my dad assumed he didn't understand the way I dressed because I'm a girl. I did kind of feel abandoned when we were far away from home, in a strange house, and my parents didn't stand up for me when people couldn't stop talking about the way I dressed, or worse, how fat I was.

I think JADE is maybe the best advice I've ever heard.

Also, since women are most often the ones "policing" what other women wear, I like to gently remind them of that fact, and to consider why they are doing it. It might be because they feel they are held to standard that they also don't want to maintain, but are also bullied into it, but by the grace of their neurotype they are able to maintain the charade. As best I can tell, this is usually the underlying theme of familial-female shaming: We all work as hard as we can to maintain these rigorous gender roles, and therfore we think it reflects on your self-worth and value as a human being because we've internalized those feelings ourselves.

So basically, it might help if you can assert yourself without A) feeling you have to justify the way you are, or B) spending too much time dwelling on how wrong "they" are. It's not ok for them to bully you, and hopefully the relationship improves; maybe they'll even learn a thing or two about the ways they don't give themselves enough credit as people, either.

Being "pretty" or "feminine" is not the rent women pay to live on this planet! Good luck to your happiness.


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Varelse
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14 Dec 2015, 6:19 pm

Pill wrote:
Being "pretty" or "feminine" is not the rent women pay to live on this planet! Good luck to your happiness.

Two thumbs up on this one.



LillyDale
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15 Dec 2015, 11:57 pm

The best thing I ever did was move 12 hours away from any of my family. Slightly different issues but issues of disrespect. It also didn't get better as I got older. Their crap was just as awful at almost 50 as it was when I was a teenager.

Set boundaries and control how much access they have to you and do it on your terms.