(Female only) How did your father affect your life?

Post Reply New Topic

I have a lot of issues with my father, as he was verbally abusive and tried to buy my love. I took everything he said extremely personally and as a result I hate myself. I'm been in therapy for a year and a half so far (and I'm taking a break, but only for a couple months), and I still am just upset at him (actually, it seems like it's more) for how he ruined my childhood and stole my innocence. I can never get that back!

Unlike you it was my mother who gave me the hardest time, well now I realize of course she was never able to be a real mother as so lost and totally misunderstood, more than sure now she had aspergers like me... never happy or felt she fitted in this world.

My dads my dad, but no real love lost there either... still I have grown strong but taken me far to long, and like you could of done without all the pain and unnecessary suffering myself.

Just a thought, but often when we suffer because of our parents, maybe they also have been suffering all there lives and know no different!

Well, while growing up, my dad was a full blown alcoholic. There would be really good days and really bad days and in between. I never knew at the time that he'd be drinking. It was scary at times. Sometimes he'd yell and tell us he hated women since me, my 2 sisters and mom were all girls. It was like living with a person with I guess biopolarism. My sister acted out by running away. Later, after we got older, he was in recovery. He'd take us to alonon. I think the relationship between him and my mother was already damaged. They still remain friends however. Funny thing is, after he divorced my mom, the house got chaotic. My sister got into drugs, I got into alcohol, and my youngest sister was a big pleaser to her friends. Things got better for the both of them. With me, however I guess I went down hill with my drinking. This was before I got diagnosed with AS. After being hospitalized so many times from suicide or acting out, my mom decided to kick me out. I don't hate her now b/c I think I was a danger. Well went to a women's shelter and my dad let me live with him. I think he's sort of helped me stay sober. Takes one to know one I guess. He's changed a lot since we were growing up with him. It's like being with a stranger. Anyway, I still struggle with some issues esp. drinking but I know if I do it, I'll just be institutionalized. I've had lot's of spouts of anger and depression, but since I went to an outreach program, I've gotten a little better with my emotions.

Before we knew I had aspergers I didn't like being alone with my dad because he would usually bring up stuff that he didn't think I was working hard enough on (he still does this but not with social stuff, it's just the way he is) my mom says he never tried to sound like he was attacking me but I always percieved it that way, and I still do... not sure why. We are closer now and I feel I can talk to him more, he was actually the one who ended up telling me about aspergers and that I might have it (was offically diagnosed soon after). Once he knew and I knew that my social struggles were not because I was being stubborn or not trying... things got a lot better. He is my knight in shining armor he only wants what's best for my sisters and I and that why he can get pushy and drive us nuts. I can ask him to help me with anything and he will (except for statistics homework which he doesn't remember ever taking ) He is also the ultimate handyman and always has a project he is working on (which can drive my mom nuts when it means tearing up the floor in her kitchen). Mom says the three of us will be sorely dissapointed when we get married and our husbands can't fix any of things or Dad always fixed... and we will have to compile a list (like a friend of hers does) of things for dad to do when they come to visit, and he will happily get to work. I love my dad and consider myself blessed to have him in my life.

My dad could also get verbally abusive, and I was raised as the "show off" child- he still likes me to show up to his work dressed up so the guys can make "off limits" jokes about his now full grown daughter. When I was younger, he and my uncle liked to compare me and my cousin- who was a year older than me. My dad took great pride in the fact that I was taller, had a "less angular" face, was more mentally and academically competitive and, most importantly "accomplished at a musical instrument. That's what he liked to tell me: "you two are both smart and pretty girls, but you're smart, pretty, and accomplished at a musical instrument."

It didn't occur to me that there was something "off" about this treatment until I was almost 11. Eventually I became very, very ill...and could no longer compete on the aforementioned musical instrument. My relationship with my father was absolutely dreadful for the next few years, exacerbated by the onset of depression, eating disorders and suicide attempts. There were periods of time when he wouldn't even look at me. He just couldn't accept that there was something wrong with me, and told everyone he encountered that I was doing it on purpose to manipulate him because I was spoiled. (I think many of us have heard that one.) He was so verbal about it that many of my family members also came to look down on me- I know my grandmother did until the day she died.

However, in the last few years our relationship did get a lot better. Living at home for a couple years after high school gave me a chance to understand him better as a person- something I never would have seen as possible in my teens. My dad in many ways is such a little boy- he was the favorite of five growing up, and is still SO sensitive whenever he suspects he is being criticized... everything is always personal. He's also a recovering alcoholic, and seems to be doing much better now.

Yeah, he hurt me a lot, and yeah there are still setbacks, but he's mellowed out a whole lot and I appreciate that. And he has a bit more of an understanding of what I deal with and tries to be supportive.

I think the relationship just needed time.... a whole lot of it.

My father is Narcissistic and cruel. He would often give mixed messages about women. First he'd swear that all women were nothing but whores, and then he'd turn around and say that women were divine, and superior to men. He was emotionally distant, but often violent and abusive, mostly to my mother. Being forced to witness violence contributed to my present PTSD. I guess the way he affected me, was to instill a deep mistrust of men, which I struggle with to this day.

My father was physically and still is verbally abusive. When I didn't achieve, he would get very angry and demand to know why, and when I did, he would either demand to know why I hadn't achieved even more (literally, "what happened to the other two percentage points") or dismiss it and tell me a story of how he did the exact same thing only much better when he was my age ("dad, I ran the 2K in 12 minutes" "really? I did it in 7 minutes in junior high"). He can also never accept that anyone has any expertise, other than him and his friends, so was always saying things like, "well, you can use my computer for school, but don't break it like you did the last time," when in fact I was the one able to fix it for him.
When he'd get angry, he would scream incessantly. He would call names like "little piece of ****" and would use fists or a horseback riding crop to whip me (my brother grew large enough not to receive this treatment, but I never did). He would laugh and call to my mother to bring him the "Little Red Riding Stick" when he wanted to beat us.
I am sure he must have AS traits, as he is quite rude and doesn't always do appropriate things, but he is not AS. When he was mean or abusive, it was calculated, not accidental. I am glad, because I wouldn't want to put a label like that on a person like him.

Dad was just there. Or sometimes was anyway. He traveled often for his work when I was a kid, but I never really missed him since he'd be gone for a few days at a time. I always knew that he'd always come back so I guess I didn't really care that he traveled a lot. He's an okay dad, not the best, but definately not the worst either. We never really spent lots of time together, but we did sometimes. He's a people person, funny and outgoing and very social so I can tell if he's kidding since I'm used to him kidding around all the time and he says it a certain way so I know. He also likes to tease me a bit which tends to bug me but not very much. He also likes to tickle me a bit because I am hugely ticklish but he doesn't ever go overboard. He's there for me, willing to help me with stuff, but only if I ask. Mom basically is the caregiver, Dad just provides the income and extra supervision. He works at home now but we still don't interact much, mostly because he's doing work or his own thing and I'm always in my room because I like being alone. I hate it when he makes me come out and socialize when I don't want to. I prefer to be alone. He doesn't really seem to get that I have my differences and special needs as an Aspie. Yes, he does explain things to me in ways I can understand, but he tends to overload me with information. He doesnt seem to get my Aspie differeneces like my unwillingness to socialize and doesn't get that Asperger's Syndrome is a learning disorder. He also doesn't get why I do the things I do the way I do them. Overall, he's an okay dad, but I can come to him if I need something if necessary. -Power Girl

It's good to know I'm not the only one out there with a horrible father figure. My mom's great, but I still can't get past how he betrayed me for another daughter who was "better" then I am.

This sounds a lot like my father. After not interacting with him for about 5 years, recently was moved to reach out to him. We had many talks, long distance, and I fancied that I was helping to heal our relationship. Then I noticed after each conversation, he would send me a money gift. I assured him that I wasn't just being nice just to cadge some funds, but he is so used to buying his children's love, he doesn't know how do be any different. It made me sad.

My father is a lazy slob, but he is a feminist and has been depressed and psychotic, so he understands the world in ways that most men don't (that most people don't, for that matter). He was away from home a lot when I was younger, working, and I only saw him at weekends for years.

I've only started talking to him properly in the last three years. We get on well when we are not trying to kill each other, and he helps me when he can.

It's good that you can look past the bad stuff and see the good. Unfortunely my father has too many bad traits that have affected my self-esteem for out relationship to work...I relate to Hartz a lot, as he just won't change, and I just wish he could, since I know he could if he tried.

I didn't have a horrible father, but for some reason I never trusted men, since I was about 5 or 6. I don't know why, and although there are some decent guys, I've had many experiences to make me just mistrust men even further. I didn't make myself sexist.

That's hilarious b/c my dad was a feminist too when he was in a good mood. He had these polar opposite sides to him when he drank. He'd say he hated women and then tell us that women can do anything as well as a guy if anything better.

My dad was always pretty easy to find: if not at work, quietly sitting on the couch reading about his favourite topic. Or watching a TV show about his favourite topic. Sometimes he would do work outside though, or go fishing.

I never knew my father, and he is dead now, so he didn't affect me much, I think.