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slowmutant
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18 Feb 2009, 3:26 am

Are you currently an alcoholic?

Just answer me that.



RightGalaxy
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18 Feb 2009, 10:24 am

Briarreos wrote:
RightGalaxy wrote:
I know you meant well but what total b***h would set up "her less attractive friend" to see if a guy is abusive? Isn't that the essence of abusiveness too? As if the "less attractive" friend had no worth! A woman finds out if a man is abusive in the first couple weeks of dating...maybe a month at the longest. The abusiveness starts out small and then gets bigger if the woman stands for it. You have to break it off, there's no compromising with an abuser. There's no need to "use" a "friend" for bait to see if a geko is really an alligator. Good friends are hard to find and they're still around when lovers aren't. I could NEVER put a friend in a position to where a potential abuser would be a prick to her and a gentlemen to me "just to determine if he was an abuser". How awful!! How would you like it if I told you, "Put your hand on that stove to see if it's hot." when I was doing the cooking "and" the eating. Would that be right? I should test it myself shouldn't I? Man, I'm glad I'm not "your" friend.
P.S. You're a guy but you're not a nice guy. You should've stopped after the thinker's persepective...right at the period. Maybe you'd like to be an alpha male but the world won't let you."


My mom's first husband was abusive, and from what I heard, he was very nice to her until after they got married. She got a divorce and married my father about 10 years later. I'm 15, so I know that they're still in love. The most fighting they ever do is getting occaisionally getting a little short after a hard day's work when they are tired.


Your mother was a smart woman! She got divorced! I didn't realize that you are just a kid but look at my reply and understand that friends are NOT to be used. If your mom was on the spectrum, she may not have realized right away that her first husband was no good even when they were dating. A lot of women don't realize that if a guy is a "bit" of a jerk while they are dating, they will get "much" worse after marriage. A lot of girls think, "Well, if he 'married' me, he must love me and it will get better. Love will make it all better." Getting a little short after a long day is purely human. That's what is called "Normality". That is where love will make it better. When I was your age, I was given permission to hunt through my mom's cabinet looking for a copy of some legal document she needed. I came across an old letter she wrote to my father before they were married. She was practically begging him to change as if his abusiveness were her fault because she was physically unattractive. They got married anyway because she was pregnant with me. She's endured 48 years of a HORRIBLE marriage...and still does. Your mom is a VERY smart woman. I used to "love" my mother but now I feel nothing for her. I'm numb. If my father dies before my mother, maybe I can feel for her again.



slowmutant
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18 Feb 2009, 10:31 am

AAKills wrote:
slowmutant wrote:
Are you currently an alcoholic?

Just answer me that.

that is irrelevant, explain it's relevance. explain what you mean by "are you currently an alcoholic?" you got two very simple questions to answer and then i will answer. your question is to vague


Why do you have such an axe to grind with AlcoholicsAnonymous? Does the thought of people freeing themselves from life-destroying addiction offend you in some way?



MissConstrue
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18 Feb 2009, 1:46 pm

EDITED: in response to AAKills...

Image


_________________
I live as I choose or I will not live at all.
~Delores O’Riordan


Last edited by MissConstrue on 19 Feb 2009, 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

slowmutant
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18 Feb 2009, 5:40 pm

Quote:
the thing is AA is not freeing anyone from their addiction. do you care to explain exactly how AA is freeing someone from their addiction.


You lack the wisdom & life experience to understand addiction. I can tell by the way you write your posts. I think you should just be quiet.



slowmutant
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18 Feb 2009, 10:10 pm

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i'm simply pointing out what AA really is


You don't know what it really is. You're telling is what you want it to be because there's something about it you hate. The Christian aspect? Yup, that's my guess.

Move along. Find another obsession.



RightGalaxy
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25 Feb 2009, 11:30 am

The more I get to know women who tolerate bad treatment the more I find out that their fathers were horrible fathers. I know that this doesn't apply to everyone but it seems to be the way. Aspie woman get abused more especially if they come from a bad home because they generally have a need for stability, organization and order in their lives. If you grew up in that kind of environment, that is what you will seek out to give your adult life some order in it. Abuse is what is normal to you...but you "will" get tired. My early relationships (just 2) were abusive. The common element in both was that these men were distant and rather cruel but tender only when it came to sex. That's exactly the kind of relationship I had with my father.
He was cold, cruel, distant but warmed up when he thought about molesting me. He was also a pedophile along with being incestuous. He was such a chameleon in his behavior that I actually though he had dissassociative disorder. After I moved out of the house, he continued his cruelty with blatant insult and then would act like nothing happened. He'd call to supposedly check up on my welfare only to masterbate on the telephone. I'm old now, pushing 50 years old, I've been married for almost 20 years and still feal "Unworthy" of my kind, loving husband. I feel as though he deserves so much better than me and the life I had come from. I'll NEVER feel really whole or worthwhile even after my father dies. I await that day...so I could beat the corpse with a baseball bat...I wish. Then slapping my elderly mother for "acting" like nothing was wrong for all those years. Actually, I hold her in worse contempt. My father is simply an incestuous, pedophilic, sex-addicted, screwed up excuse for a human being. My mother could've made a better life for herself and for me too. She made more money than him and had a better job. I will NEVER, EVER understand why she stayed for him for nearly 50 years. Maybe because of her own incestuous father who masterbated on the phone during the "one time in my whole life" that I called him. Such a granddad!! People that love me tell me to move on and focus on my own family but every time I look at them, I feel ashamed that they have "me" for their mother and their father's wife. I feel as though they have all been short-changed to live with a product that comes from such disgrace. I feel at times like I should be a main character in a real life Oliver Twist...stuck to live a tortured existence in a Victorian London slum....where I came from and where I belong. Thats' why women love abusive men. Anyone who cares to understnd more can research the character "Nancy" from Oliver Twist in Wikipedia. The slum was home to her. Her only escape turned out to be murdered by the man she "loved". I was "unable" to cultivate a realtionship with a descent person until I had therapy for almost 3 years. During the third year of therapy, I met my husband. I quit therapy to make time for him. I was actually broke and lived at the brink of poverty because I had to pay in order to "undue" all the wrong that was done to me. My husband married a broken, pennyless woman but a woman who finally understood what all this drama was about. Every day I learn more and teach him and my kids...but I still feel worthless deep down inside...only momentary joy. I guess I was saved from worse.



Haliphron
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26 Feb 2009, 3:16 am

Gaya
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03 Mar 2009, 12:17 am

Luckily for me I've never been in an abusive relationship, although I wonder if I've been in "borderline" abusive relationships. No one's ever hit me, but the guy I'm with now can be disrespectful and assholey.

I think the threat of being alone is too much for some women.

And if reinforcement is intermittent, behaviors are more likely to increase than if reinforcement is continuous. So if a guy is nice only sometimes, a woman is more drawn to him because when she does get reinforcement it feels better than if she gets it all the time. Twisted, really. What we can learn from Pigeons. (Learning experiments. I could go into textbook detail, but I really don't feel like it. I'm really hungry and stuck at work in the middle of the night).



RightGalaxy
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04 Mar 2009, 10:15 am

Haliphron wrote:



Last edited by RightGalaxy on 04 Mar 2009, 11:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

RightGalaxy
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04 Mar 2009, 11:31 am

Haliphron wrote:

Good article! Thanks, I needed that. At first, I felt insulted by the "Whine" part. I took it personally but the article is VERY sensible. Sometimes, I feel as though woman who really do whine are actually screaming but male dominanace and the other females that enable them to dominate us as a whole scream louder than them to make their demands unheard. I have yet to hear of a daughter who came from a home with an incestuous father get protection from her mother. The daughter seems to always have to leave and bear the shame when the father should have been shamed and thrown out. A lot of daughters NEVER tell because a great number of them instinctively know they won't be treated right. They are always forced to adapt to unbearable conditions. Woman simply don't seem to value each other much...even when these woman are their very own daughters. It's a shame. If you are not valued in your own home, where will you be valued? One can be taught self-worth when they are so down-trodden that they are forced into therapy in order to survive. A lot of woman finally get therapy after attemping suicide. Must it go that far for women to be finally heard? It's other woman that won't let them be heard. Most women learn how to become a doormat from childhood.
"It's a Boy" held a heck of a lot more weight than "It's a Girl". It all comes from those old days where a son's duty was to take care of the parents in their old age. It's a shame how a person's worth is contingent upon what they could do for their parents financially. It's a darned shame to invest in your own child's education so she can take care of you. People should invest in their child's education so she can take care of "herself". Even now in the year 2009, people seem to have a twisted view of what it means to raise a child. If any of you think that there is something for you or some sort of "payback" after you raise a child to adulthood, then you shouldn't have kids. Parenting belongs to "givers" not "takers". The "taker" parents look at the kid as some sort of investment with an expectation of a windfall profit. When the kid doesn't "pay-off", all of a sudden they're labeled "no good". Sometimes, I think that the "taker" parents never DID love the kid and convinced themselves of some sort of reward for loving their own child. A lot of these "taker" parents had "unplanned" pregnancies which makes their philosophies even moreso contemptable. They ended up having a child they didn't want and put the tremendous weight of their lustful mistake on the poor kid for the rest of that kid's life. So, a life that you thought was yours was actually an illusion. You become the 30, 40, 50 year old mistake of that young, lustful couple who want you to pay them back for the mistake they made of giving you life. "Afterall, look at all they did for you." Now, I mean that sarcastically. A parent is "supposed" to do for their child without expectation. That is what true parental love is. If you are the victim of people like this, here is the solution: Protect your own child from all the pain you felt growing up. Invest in them for their own sake alone. Love them. Protect them. Make a Will...even if it's just a little bit...leave them something. And especially, keep your own child far away from your parents. They'll see your child as a rival and a receiver of money that is supposed to be theirs. Don't let your parents babysit your child!



Dee_
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26 Mar 2009, 4:13 pm

I grew up in a broken home, alcoholic mother... week or so at a time with no food in the house.. more things I care not to mentioned... My ex had some issues of abuse as I have had when we were children.

Lately she hida mid life crisis, both her parents died then she got in contact with an old flame from school... so now she wasnts to live the glory days of when she was a wild teenager with this guy who was in a gang and pretty wild and stuff. Although I consider him to be tough, I couldstill mop the floor with him fairly easily... That is not my way... I have seen a lot of thins in my life and that is not the way to do things... She believes the grass is greener the choices she has decided on... and since I do love her, I will let her go and be happy. She wants to run wild and find exitement like a teenager...

I want to enjoy life with somoene and grow old together... Our paths are going in differnet directions now and what I gave her is no longer good enough... The way I see it, she has gotten too used to me and takes it for granted.

Her doing these things is like some reelase from some bondage within hermind from her past... and with both her parents dying three weeks apart was a catalyst for her to rediscover herself... This hurts but I am stronger and can let it be as it is. I will find another, God willing, that I can cherish for the remainder of my days here.

I resisted and I broke these chains tht stopped at me... My kids were spared from things being passed dowm from what I or my ex has experienced in our pasts. I always want to give to all my children and my first wife more than what I ever had. It is hard at times to do such things because you have to examine yourself very deep where it hurts and face the beast within.



kaitlyn_loves_music
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28 Mar 2009, 2:19 pm

it makes life exciting for them.
and they cant ever find someone good cuz there personality is horrible.
my mom was in a abusive relationship and i think that is why i have ptsd cuz i saw real bad stuff but my mom dated this alcholic guy and she was one too so thats all she can get a sober guy wouldnt want my mom they would think she is completely psycho.
oh and she met him at a bar.



EnglishLulu
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28 Mar 2009, 6:51 pm

Maybe some people prefer those kinds of tempestuous relationships that involve a lot of arguing and breaking up and making up, maybe that's more of a mutual thing.

But specifically in relation to why women love abusive men, part of the whole 'battered wife syndrome' thing is that the man's physical, emotional and psychological abuse leads to the woman having very low self esteem. If a man makes a woman feel ugly and as if no one else would have her, then despite the abuse, she's probably and in a really twisted way going to feel grateful that this man is willing to be with her or pay her any kind of attention, for the moments he does seem kind or affection.



David Colby
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21 Oct 2015, 10:38 pm

Anemone wrote:
In addition to what other people have said, it can be very confusing when someone blows hot and cold. We end up like those pigeons who were given intermittent reinforcement - we do whatever we can to get the positive outcomes again, even when we have no control.

And it's true, we often repeat our attachment patterns from infancy in our adult relationships. Insecurely attached as a child = insecurely attached as an adult. At least until we spot the pattern and try to change it.


You got that right!

Right now, I am in love with a woman who is hot and cold with me, who I hope will give me another chance very soon to be more romantic, less needy, less talkative, and more inclusive with her in conversation, but I struggle with these things since I am autistic, and I hope that she will accept this soon and that she will help me do what she wants.


_________________
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
--Corinthians: 13


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22 Oct 2015, 12:41 am

slightly off-topic, but in my experience in a physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive relationship, at first he wasn't abusive, but it came out later after the relationship had been established. as the abuse got worse and worse I became more depressed and reclusive, and became numb to the pain. when I climbed out of that hole, I attempted to cut myself off from him, but we also happened to live in the same dormitory and he felt entitled to access my space. the only way to get away from him would have been to find another place to live or drop out of college. I think a lot of women in abusive relationships have these binding forces keeping them in that position, whether it be a situation like mine, children or financial issues, mental problems, etc. a lot of the time it's more dangerous to leave than it is to stay. when I broke it off with this guy the abuse got much worse, but luckily after a few weeks I found an alternative living situation, illegally renting a closet space in a kind stranger's apartment.