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RightGalaxy
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06 Feb 2009, 10:57 am

sinsboldly wrote:
"When you are up to your hips in alligators, it is difficult to remember your primary purpose was just to drain the swamp . . ."

I only mention this because when you are in an abusive (of any kind) relationship even if you KNOW what is happening, it is difficult to extricate yourself. So try to be kind to yourself for 'not knowing' because even if you did know, it might not have been enough.

hormones can make us all stupid!

Merle


Thank you. Your reply freed me even moreso. :)



RightGalaxy
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06 Feb 2009, 11:10 am

anna-banana wrote:
because they are scared of being alone...?

Some lonely people get pets. They get canaries, fluffy puppies or kittens...not blood-thirsty alligators.
Promise that no matter how lonely you ever get, you'll NEVER hook up with an abuser.
NEVER. NEVER!! When people are lonely, they should do charity work. It is better to give than to receive. Donate a spare coat to someone who is out in the cold. You will warm their heart more than their body. It will give "the giver" a sense of purpose as well. Purposefulness will always beat out lonliness and boredom too.



BellaDonna
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08 Feb 2009, 1:57 am

Co dependency in regards to substance abuse can be. Just like some women will stay in unhappy marriages just because it is easier and they don't have to work and/or have much more finicial comfort. Her husband can fix stuff around the place that she can't etc

Also in some areas I have been scared to live on my own and needed a guy to protect me. People just leave you alone if you have a partner. They show respect. They don't if your own your own.



sinsboldly
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08 Feb 2009, 2:09 pm

BellaDonna wrote:
Co dependency in regards to substance abuse can be. Just like some women will stay in unhappy marriages just because it is easier and they don't have to work and/or have much more finicial comfort. Her husband can fix stuff around the place that she can't etc

Also in some areas I have been scared to live on my own and needed a guy to protect me. People just leave you alone if you have a partner. They show respect. They don't if your own your own.


If one doesn't get any respect from the abuser partner, one comforts themselves with imagined respect from others? That is why they call it CO dependency, because both members of the relationship are sick mentally, sick emotionally and sick spiritually and and both are living a crash and burn fantasy.

Merle


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Briarreos
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10 Feb 2009, 3:53 pm

Here's another psychological theory duo. One is from a guy, the other is from someone being analytical.

Guy's perspective: Because being nice to you makes you go away, and being mean to you only works for other guys. (You all are stupid.)

Thinker's perspective: Because you crave excitement and you've never had a healthy relationship. This typically happens to extroverted girls that need a lot of stimulation for their brains, so they go for the biggest hunkies guy arround, usually identifyable by his booming voice and abusiveness. You've never had a healthy relationship, because caring partners don't hit each other, it's about mutuality, not dominance.

Things to watch out for.

. Alpha male persona.
. Only giving attention to one guy.
. Large and expressive.
. Short temper.
. Extroverted.
. Selectively nice. (I noticed on the love and romance forum that guys were saying that women stay with abusive guys because they make them feel special, because they make them feel like they are really beautiful. Before you go steady or even sleep with a guy that exhibits any of the above signs, take one of your less attractive friends, and get them in on a plan. Arrange a date where your friend goes to meet the guy and says you're comming to. You have to get everything to look convincing. Then have a legitimate excuse as to why you can't go, and afterwards, inquire your friend how the meeting with the guy went and how he acted. Can he improvise if something falls through? Can he keep his cool? Then later, maybe try to arrange with a different friend of yours, her boyfriend, and your guy, if you kept him and this time actually go then note anydiferences between hisbehavior when he was alone with your friend, and when you were around. If he was a prick to your friendm, but is charming to you, chances are that he's abusive.

P.S.: Go for nice guys, they might not take you charging off into the sunset on a harley davidson for hot sex in some motel, but they'll treat you well.

P.S.S.: I'm a guy.


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RightGalaxy
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14 Feb 2009, 2:05 pm

Briarreos wrote:
Here's another psychological theory duo. One is from a guy, the other is from someone being analytical.

Guy's perspective: Because being nice to you makes you go away, and being mean to you only works for other guys. (You all are stupid.)

Thinker's perspective: Because you crave excitement and you've never had a healthy relationship. This typically happens to extroverted girls that need a lot of stimulation for their brains, so they go for the biggest hunkies guy arround, usually identifyable by his booming voice and abusiveness. You've never had a healthy relationship, because caring partners don't hit each other, it's about mutuality, not dominance.

Things to watch out for.

. Alpha male persona.
. Only giving attention to one guy.
. Large and expressive.
. Short temper.
. Extroverted.
. Selectively nice. (I noticed on the love and romance forum that guys were saying that women stay with abusive guys because they make them feel special, because they make them feel like they are really beautiful. Before you go steady or even sleep with a guy that exhibits any of the above signs, take one of your less attractive friends, and get them in on a plan. Arrange a date where your friend goes to meet the guy and says you're comming to. You have to get everything to look convincing. Then have a legitimate excuse as to why you can't go, and afterwards, inquire your friend how the meeting with the guy went and how he acted. Can he improvise if something falls through? Can he keep his cool? Then later, maybe try to arrange with a different friend of yours, her boyfriend, and your guy, if you kept him and this time actually go then note anydiferences between hisbehavior when he was alone with your friend, and when you were around. If he was a prick to your friendm, but is charming to you, chances are that he's abusive.

P.S.: Go for nice guys, they might not take you charging off into the sunset on a harley davidson for hot sex in some motel, but they'll treat you well.

P.S.S.: I'm a guy.


I know you meant well but what total b***h would set up "her less attractive friend" to see if a guy is abusive? Isn't that the essence of abusiveness too? As if the "less attractive" friend had no worth! A woman finds out if a man is abusive in the first couple weeks of dating...maybe a month at the longest. The abusiveness starts out small and then gets bigger if the woman stands for it. You have to break it off, there's no compromising with an abuser. There's no need to "use" a "friend" for bait to see if a geko is really an alligator. Good friends are hard to find and they're still around when lovers aren't. I could NEVER put a friend in a position to where a potential abuser would be a prick to her and a gentlemen to me "just to determine if he was an abuser". How awful!! How would you like it if I told you, "Put your hand on that stove to see if it's hot." when I was doing the cooking "and" the eating. Would that be right? I should test it myself shouldn't I? Man, I'm glad I'm not "your" friend.
P.S. You're a guy but you're not a nice guy. You should've stopped after the thinker's persepective...right at the period. Maybe you'd like to be an alpha male but the world won't let you.



MissConstrue
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14 Feb 2009, 2:47 pm

I have fallen for some abusive guys before but not because they were abusive but because they seemed nice at the time.

Some of these abusive guys make trust issues hard for me. But I think I have learned some of the red flags to watch for before getting in those situations.


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Briarreos
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14 Feb 2009, 3:30 pm

[quote="RightGalaxy"] I know you meant well but what total b***h would set up "her less attractive friend" to see if a guy is abusive? Isn't that the essence of abusiveness too? As if the "less attractive" friend had no worth! A woman finds out if a man is abusive in the first couple weeks of dating...maybe a month at the longest. The abusiveness starts out small and then gets bigger if the woman stands for it. You have to break it off, there's no compromising with an abuser. There's no need to "use" a "friend" for bait to see if a geko is really an alligator. Good friends are hard to find and they're still around when lovers aren't. I could NEVER put a friend in a position to where a potential abuser would be a prick to her and a gentlemen to me "just to determine if he was an abuser". How awful!! How would you like it if I told you, "Put your hand on that stove to see if it's hot." when I was doing the cooking "and" the eating. Would that be right? I should test it myself shouldn't I? Man, I'm glad I'm not "your" friend.
P.S. You're a guy but you're not a nice guy. You should've stopped after the thinker's persepective...right at the period. Maybe you'd like to be an alpha male but the world won't let you."[/quote]

My mom's first husband was abusive, and from what I heard, he was very nice to her until after they got married. She got a divorce and married my father about 10 years later. I'm 15, so I know that they're still in love. The most fighting they ever do is getting occaisionally getting a little short after a hard day's work when they are tired.


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slowmutant
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17 Feb 2009, 1:13 pm

Because they are stupid and pitiful. Because they don't know what's best for them. Because they secretly want to be abused, believing they deserve to be beaten black & blue. Abused women will go top incredible lengths to protect and enable the POS men they married.

Think about it.



mitharatowen
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17 Feb 2009, 5:52 pm

slowmutant wrote:
Because they are stupid and pitiful. Because they don't know what's best for them. Because they secretly want to be abused, believing they deserve to be beaten black & blue. Abused women will go top incredible lengths to protect and enable the POS men they married.

Think about it.


I'd have to say that I strongly disagree with this one. I have heard people say this before and I think it is bull. Why the hell would anyone want to be abused?? No one wants to be abused. Even the women who are in really deep are unhappy with the way they are treated. It has much more to do with self-esteem.. they don't believe that they actually deserve better or they believe that better men wouldn't want them because they are flawed/not good enough. They don't want to be abused. They just might not know any different, as mentioned earlier, or they might be scared or they might just 'love' the jerkface.

No one wants to be treated like crap, everyone wants to feel special and to feel loved.

I hate it when people imply that such women enjoy the abuse. Try it. I doubt you will enjoy it.



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17 Feb 2009, 6:39 pm

If they don't enjoy it, why do so many of these women remain with their husbands and protect them, lie for them, make excuses for them?



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17 Feb 2009, 6:43 pm

They may not believe that he did anything wrong.. they may think they deserved to be hit because they were 'bitching'. Ect. Circumstances vary.

Oh they definately have many thought distortions and do not see things clearly. But that doesn't mean they literally 'enjoy' the abuse. You'd be surprised what kind of behavior a diseased mind can rationalize.



slowmutant
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17 Feb 2009, 6:58 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
They may not believe that he did anything wrong.. they may think they deserved to be hit because they were 'bitching'. Ect. Circumstances vary.

Oh they definately have many thought distortions and do not see things clearly. But that doesn't mean they literally 'enjoy' the abuse. You'd be surprised what kind of behavior a diseased mind can rationalize.


Ike and Tina come to mind.



sinsboldly
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17 Feb 2009, 11:35 pm

slowmutant wrote:
mitharatowen wrote:
They may not believe that he did anything wrong.. they may think they deserved to be hit because they were 'bitching'. Ect. Circumstances vary.

Oh they definately have many thought distortions and do not see things clearly. But that doesn't mean they literally 'enjoy' the abuse. You'd be surprised what kind of behavior a diseased mind can rationalize.


Ike and Tina come to mind.


and Tina got away when she learned about it.

I have known people so synaesthetic they felt intense pleasure in what would drive a sane man insane. Unless throughly inculcated by society, people desire what they desire.


Merle


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slowmutant
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18 Feb 2009, 12:46 am

How does AA kill?



slowmutant
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18 Feb 2009, 3:26 am

Are you currently an alcoholic?

Just answer me that.