Page 2 of 9 [ 133 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 9  Next

BellaDonna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Dec 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,858

31 Jan 2009, 8:58 pm

:idea:



Othila
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 4 Oct 2007
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 153

31 Jan 2009, 10:52 pm

I have been attracted to antagonistic people before but I see red if a guy so much as makes an assholish remark to me. Good thing I never been in a relationship with an abusive person because I would probably be sitting in a prison cell right now. So I dont really buy the I was abused as a child ergo i enjoy being abused storyline.
As a child I resented the fact that my mom's boyfriends would treat her like s**t and my father would bully his own mother!. That animal lack of control made something snap in me I suppose. It's hard for me to empathize with abused people who stay in abused relationships when they have a way out of them.



BellaDonna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Dec 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,858

01 Feb 2009, 1:02 am

Being in an abusive relationship can have nothing to do with being abused as a child and also men that are or have potentially abusive can change. I know this for a fact. It's BS people trying to label and stereotype people who have abused others because they are all sorts of people, with all kinds of personalites and from all walks of life.

If you was put in a prison cell, why? is that because you was or would have been abusive too.



mitharatowen
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,675
Location: Arizona

01 Feb 2009, 2:51 am

Haliphron wrote:


Hurt so good!

c'mon babay make it hurt, so, good!

sometimes love dont feel like it should,

you make it,hurt so good!



:mrgreen:


:thumright: :D :lol:



11krage
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 1 Dec 2008
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 132

02 Feb 2009, 7:22 pm

BellaDonna wrote:
I have been abusive relationships and irrespective of most of them being abusive - I did not love them and lost respect except for one.

So why do women still love men who have abused them. People say it is not love and abuse isn't but I disagree that being with some one who is abusive - That it doesn't mean you still can't or don't love each other.


We covered this recently in my evolution module, so I can answer you this one.

Its all down to testosterone. You see, testosterone is actually not a very useful thing, it supresses the immune system. However, like the peacock's tail although risky to have its the 'handicap' principle. If you manage to survive to adulthood with a great big tail to lug around you must be very good at evading predators, and if you survive to adulthood with lots of testosterone you must have a excellent immune system for it still to keep you alive while being supressed.

So genetically it makes a good mate for offspring (also - because of the runaway principle a son with testosterone is going to be good at getting mates as well) - the 'good looking son's hypothesis'.

However, while this guy's genes are a nice catch because of the above, his excess of testosterone also makes him likely to be violent and a bit of a unpredictable father.

Current research has led scientists to believe that women are programmed to look for two sorts of men:

The dads (less testosterone - good mate to raise children with), and the cads (excess testoserone - good genes but bad father material). Tests carried out on women at differing times in their cycles reveal that at the times when they are most likely to get pregnant they find more masculine testosterone features more attractive than in low fertility times when they find less masculine testosterone features more attractive.

So from a biological point of view, high testosterone males (correlated with higher violence) are very attractive from a genetic point of view. Or put another way, having kids from a high testoserone male increases your chances of passing on more genes to following generations, therefore attraction to high testoserone males has been genetically selected for over many generations.

There are of course going to be psychological definitions of the whys of the trait, but those are the whys in the whole evolutionary sceme of things and how such a odd trait is around in the first place.


_________________
'Its always the quiet ones' :

http://the-quiet-ones.blogspot.com/


garyww
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2008
Age: 76
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,395
Location: Napa, California

02 Feb 2009, 7:41 pm

The last post makes a lot of sense and clears up a lot of things for me so it has been really helpful to me in many respects so thanks.


_________________
I am one of those people who your mother used to warn you about.


sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

02 Feb 2009, 10:26 pm

man oh man, doesn't it (pun intended!)

so, this is why we (women) want to 'change' our bad boys even though they were exactly who we were attracted to in the first place.

back in the Hunter/Gatherers days, male and female hung out for 18 months to 3 years, too. just enough time for the baby to be conceived, born and up and walking/doing for themselves, then the cycle would begin again. This 'limerence' or a 'crush' or mate bonding was relegated to to 'romantic' love.

All that married for life thing started when people with property (land, mostly for agriculture)married people with property and merged and 'romantic' love meant nothing to the business of marriage.
(don't get me started :roll: !)
Merle


_________________
Alis volat propriis
State Motto of Oregon


millie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2008
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,154

03 Feb 2009, 5:19 am

i do not want to change bad boys.

and if anything, i probably more closely resemble a bad boy than any bad boy i know.

i have always been attracted to a mix of ratbaggishness and intelligence.
i am still looking to meet my match......i may be on the right track.......

my ex was a bad boy - ex junkie and ex-prison super brain like me. somewhere along the line he ironed out the rough edges and settled down to become a maths teacher. then he adopted pedagogy as his preferred means of communication with his students. Then he started wearing white runners to school with short sports socks. he is a good man, but he has changed changed changed..... i like him better when he wore no undies and scratched his balls in front of the tv.
there is barely a tinge of bad boy left -- something i find sadly regrettable actually.

i live on as the soul ratbag swearing stimming aggressive bad boy in girl's body and clothing in our house.......



tweety_fan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,555

03 Feb 2009, 5:29 am

abusiveness is not attractive to me.



BellaDonna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Dec 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,858

03 Feb 2009, 7:11 am

tweety_fan wrote:
abusiveness is not attractive to me.


yeah I am sure every one likes to be abused.
It doesnt appeal to me at all. It never has done. i throw it back in anyones face who manipulates or accuses a victim because people do it all the time. They don't want hear. They listen to the abusers say their story and yes of course they are innocent.
People dont want to reflect back to a person who has been victimised or just bullied because it makes them feel weak. They think loser and guess what abuse can happen to anyone!



RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,145

04 Feb 2009, 12:43 pm

Fnord wrote:
Off the top of my pointy little head...

Missionary Complex (for lack of a better term): She sees him as a wounded creature who is only acting out of his inner pain. If only she could love him enough, he would become a better person and love her for saving him, and her value as a nurturing woman and mother-figure would be confirmed for all to see.

Skewed Normalcy: Abusive men are what she grew up with, so she believes deep down inside that only abusive men could possibly love her, and that any man who treats her nice is either (a) gay, (b) setting her up for epic cruelty, or (c) defective.

Alpha Fever: The only man worth having is the kind of man that can beat the snot out of any other man around. She rewards her "Alpha Male" with a clean house, hot sex, warm food, and cold beer. She also counts the house, the man, the kids, and any expensive gifts as trophies and proof of her worthiness as "Alpha Female" in her circle of friends.

Martyr Syndrome: For whatever reason, she believes that she deserves nothing better than to be trapped in an abusive relationship. The beatings are painful reminders of her hopeless inadequacy as a human being, but at least she's getting attention.


If only I read your post 20 years ago, I could've been spared sooo much unnecessary pain!!



BellaDonna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Dec 2008
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,858

04 Feb 2009, 11:11 pm

You can't stereotype every one into a group. Abuse is much more complexed than that.



Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

04 Feb 2009, 11:47 pm

RightGalaxy wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Off the top of my pointy little head...

Missionary Complex (for lack of a better term): She sees him as a wounded creature who is only acting out of his inner pain. If only she could love him enough, he would become a better person and love her for saving him, and her value as a nurturing woman and mother-figure would be confirmed for all to see.

Skewed Normalcy: Abusive men are what she grew up with, so she believes deep down inside that only abusive men could possibly love her, and that any man who treats her nice is either (a) gay, (b) setting her up for epic cruelty, or (c) defective.

Alpha Fever: The only man worth having is the kind of man that can beat the snot out of any other man around. She rewards her "Alpha Male" with a clean house, hot sex, warm food, and cold beer. She also counts the house, the man, the kids, and any expensive gifts as trophies and proof of her worthiness as "Alpha Female" in her circle of friends.

Martyr Syndrome: For whatever reason, she believes that she deserves nothing better than to be trapped in an abusive relationship. The beatings are painful reminders of her hopeless inadequacy as a human being, but at least she's getting attention.


If only I read your post 20 years ago, I could've been spared sooo much unnecessary pain!!

20 years ago, I was in an abusive relationship of the "Skewed Normalcy" type - the woman acted like so many of the abusive people I grew up with that I thought her behavior was normal.

I too wish that I'd have known then what I know now.


_________________
 
No love for Hamas, Hezbollah, Iranian Leadership, Islamic Jihad, other Islamic terrorist groups, OR their supporters and sympathizers.


sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

05 Feb 2009, 10:04 am

"When you are up to your hips in alligators, it is difficult to remember your primary purpose was just to drain the swamp . . ."

I only mention this because when you are in an abusive (of any kind) relationship even if you KNOW what is happening, it is difficult to extricate yourself. So try to be kind to yourself for 'not knowing' because even if you did know, it might not have been enough.

hormones can make us all stupid!

Merle


_________________
Alis volat propriis
State Motto of Oregon


RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,145

06 Feb 2009, 10:52 am

BellaDonna wrote:
Anemone wrote:
In addition to what other people have said, it can be very confusing when someone blows hot and cold. We end up like those pigeons who were given intermittent reinforcement - we do whatever we can to get the positive outcomes again, even when we have no control.

And it's true, we often repeat our attachment patterns from infancy in our adult relationships. Insecurely attached as a child = insecurely attached as an adult. At least until we spot the pattern and try to change it.


Yes good point Anemone but how to do that is like trying to change your whole brain or belief structure.


Some of us "have" to change our whole brain and belief structure in order to have a worthwhile life. If we don't change we will instill those same bad habits in our children and children's children. Somebody has to break the chain of abuse.



RightGalaxy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2008
Age: 63
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,145

06 Feb 2009, 10:57 am

sinsboldly wrote:
"When you are up to your hips in alligators, it is difficult to remember your primary purpose was just to drain the swamp . . ."

I only mention this because when you are in an abusive (of any kind) relationship even if you KNOW what is happening, it is difficult to extricate yourself. So try to be kind to yourself for 'not knowing' because even if you did know, it might not have been enough.

hormones can make us all stupid!

Merle


Thank you. Your reply freed me even moreso. :)