I think my boyfriend has aspergers, should I talk to him?

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Hi guys,
Brand new here but I've been researching this topic for months and I came across this forum so I thought I'd get your opinions. I am 99.99% sure that my boyfriend has aspergers He's 22, I'm 19. We've been together a year and a half. Every symptom list, every testimony from neurotypicals with aspire partners, etc. etc. has sounded like my boyfriend to a ridiculously similar degree. Symptoms include low muscle tone (despite being strong and trying to bulk up), anxiety and emotional vacancy in public areas, anxiety meeting new people, one sided conversations, highly intellectual, focus on a few subjects (video games, mythology, Avatar, music), one or two very very close friends and lack of desire to try to make new attachments, emotional meltdowns with overstimulation with certain music, touch and hearing sensitivity, etc.

He often switches from seeing himself as very weird and messed up to being proud of his unique mind. He can show quite a bit of learned helplessness with regards to people and society. I feel like if he has it, he's very high functioning. I just wonder, should I tell him? I know the question is, what would be the benefit of doing this?

I think by having a reason behind the way he feels, he may be able to understand a bit more why he does certain things certain ways. I feel like by having a diagnosis he might be able to draw upon knowledge of the conditions to know how to work through things and realize that he's not the only one who feels or thinks the way he does. I'd love for him to go to therapy, I don't know if he would want to. He always insists that the way he's always felt with emotions is by shutting himself away or off and processing by himself. Since we've been together, I've helped him learn to talk through his emotions especially when he's feeling overwhelmed.

So my question is this:
--Do I tell him what I suspect?
--How do I do it with offending him? (I worry that he might think I'm saying theres something wrong with him or that he's crazy or that I don't like his personality because he connects his unique way of thinking to his personality a lot).
--If you didn't know, would you have wanted to?
--To those especially who were diagnosed as adults, did it make things more clear? Easier to deal with or understand? Would you preferred knowing or not knowing?

I want to ask you something - Why would you research whether he has aspergers or not?
And you have to be honest about it - is there something about your boyfriend which bothers you?
You say he has some difficulties particularly expressing his emotions
If you want to offer the thought of the diagnosis with the intention to help, then I don't see how this can be a problem if he's really struggling

Hey Pillar,
We've been together about a year and a half. I love him, his quirkiness, his patterns, his mind. There are of course times when things can get kind of difficult like when I was dealing with a major health problem and there was a lot of miscommunication as he wasn't able to express and I wasnt able to understand his empathy or when things get to a point where he's having a meltdown. I never attributed it to anything else but just how he was. But I could see how it was causing him some difficulty and I just came back across aspergers (I knew a couple kids when I was little who had it) and the more I researched the more things just conencted and clicked.

As for my worries about telling him about the diagnosis with the intention to help, I feel like even if it is well intentioned on my part, he might take it in a bad way because there is still such a stigma around mental illness and that he may take my suggested diagnosis as a statement of me thinking he's "weird"

I just think he would benefit from understanding what hes going through from the perspective of knowing he has aspergers and benefitting from a community of individuals who can understand in ways I may not always be able to, though I try.

There is no way to predict how another person will react to a partner telling him she thinks he might be autistic so there is a risk.

Is his possible autism messing up your relationship or his life in any substantial way? If not you have to weigh the risk against something that is not really a problem.

That said your relationship sounds quite serious so at this stage hiding something that is important to him is the first step towered destroying trust. It could be that he suspects or knows he is autistic but because of the stigmas fears that you will dump him. In that case, it would be a tremendous relief to him to "let it out". Like I said earlier there is a possibility it might not go well. It is better to find out now before you get further invested in each other.

Autism is a developmental condition something one is born with similar in some ways to being LBGT, so it is not a mental illness. That is what you need to tell him.

My diagnosis was a much-needed boost to my self-image. I found out my issues are not caused by being lazy or weak or a loser etc. It explained why I do things the way I do. Knowing this helped me avoid or develop coping mechanisms for problematic areas and showed me areas of strength I needed to spend more time on.

Hi ASPartOfMe,

I wouldn't say it is "messing up" our relationship but at times it can make it difficult. For example, I am an extrovert and a very talkative person when stimulated, but the problem can be that he either doesnt engage conversation, such as asking about me or my opinion, or having one sided conversations, and often with such research and depth of detail and focus that I cant really contribute, kinda like a lecture. This can get frustrating, and we've talked about it, it just seems to happen frequently.

As for it affecting his life, I think it is. I know he was bullied a lot on high school and so he deeply resents his school years. He's just entered college now and after living off campus one year with an old friend, he has decided to move back home and commute. He's said he has no interest in making new friends but then complains about how he can only trust very few people to be his friend, namely me and his best friend from high school. Of course its fine to have as many or as few friends as you would like, but I think his social anxiety is a factor that has caused him problems in the past and continues to. I know that he can also be very self deprecating if he feels he cant understand social things or if hes frustrated by society or whatnot. He also has said he has great trouble focusing and managing stress.

I know each person is different so of course there is no "right way" to tell him. Its just in the past when I have brought up little concerns here or there in our relationship it has sent him into a panic and I dont want it to go there. Should I write a letter? Wait till we have a lot of time in person? Wait till he's having more trouble with this stuff? When things are going better and hes struggling less? Any ideas are appreciated

But I have wondered that too, if he suspects it and worries about the stigmas. He's helped me through my struggles with anxiety, of course aspergers is arguable more serious a condition, but I wish he would know it would be ok to talk about it.

Buy a copy of Neurotribes and also The Complete Guide to Aspergers. Read them and tell him "wow these books are interesting, do you want to read them after me?"

If he says no, then let the issue drop. If he expresses interest, give him time to read them and then ask if he found them interesting. Pick a chapter that you yourself related to in some way as a discussion opener.

If he changes the subject, that's going to be a message to back off and not intrude into what he may see as private territory and a boundary he doesn't want you to cross. If so, respect that.

PS: AS is not mental illness. If you approach it with that mindset, you are not helping, you are buying into a false and hurtful stereotype which may alienate him and cause him to reconsider whether he wants to continue the relationship.

Hi B19

First of all, I'm sorry if I offended by calling it a mental illness. I'm a psych student and I have always heard it referred to as such, just as depression or anxiety are called mental illnesses, and I'm still trying to learn the more appropriate terminology, so thank you for pointing that out:)

I think thats a good idea. If I may ask, how did you come about finding out you had aspergers? I think I may send a video as I know he can tend to start books and then lose focus quickly (unless of course it is Lord of the Rings haha). But thats a very good idea.

My grandson was the first of our family to be formally recognised by psychologists as he had very overt symptoms. We were lucky to get a very informed psychologist who instantly recognised he was a visual learner. This changed his life and ours, in very good ways. Telling him how to do something didn't work, showing him was a breeze. We made cartoon strips of things he needed to learn at a very early age - like toilet training. With this to refer to, he toilet trained himself. The other AS people in the family fall into the predominantly verbal rather than visual mode - the verbals tend to have good memory, good language skills (and other things, but this is just an illustration). Next one of my grand-daughters was diagnosed with Aspergers, and then it spread upward through the family.

I have known the two generations before mine, and the two after mine. That has provided me with five generations to study. Most were and are either on the spectrum or BAP. Some are NT. The NTs marry As partners, interestingly, as that they understand AS people so well and it is literally familiar to them.

One way you might reframe your conception of the spectrum and people on it is to use this simple analogy: most computers run on Windows. Let's call them "typical" for this example. Others run on Linux and other programs less used, so let's call them atypical. Both work well, but they function differently. Neither programs are mentally ill or defective, they are just different. That's what neurodiversity is - different ways of functioning. There's never just one way of doing or viewing something, though the neurotypical mode tends to be labelled as normal rather than normative. This is exclusionary and marginalising to an extreme degree.

At school I was simply regards as a gifted child who was shy and traumatised from losing my own parents in infancy. I was always the "teacher's pet" on the basis of my marks and interest in every form of academic topic. So when I read The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome, I had no doubt of where I fitted on the spectrum.

I am a retired psychologist and coped very well with academic life. Your ideas about what autism means may need to
be revised radically if your academic institution taught it as a mental illness. Neurotribes will be very helpful to you to undo these misunderstandings.

Hi B19,

Wow, that is really incredible how you've been able to study all these ranges of people in your family on the spectrum. From what you said about your grandson, it sounds like having a diagnosis was helpful because you were able to help with specifically with what he needed based on how he cognitively processed. I feel like my boyfriend would benefit from that cause he is struggling in school somewhat. Not with the material, cause he understands and absorbs it, but just from the diversity of teaching styles, some of which really dont suit him. I feel like him maybe thinking from the perspective of having aspergers may help him understand that his type of thinking IS fit for his learning environment.

I never really thought of aspergers the way you described it but that does help a lot. The more I read about aspergers, the more im fascinated by it. I think if maybe he sees it in this way, this neurodiverty way, it may be easier to approach him about it.

Thank you:)

P.S. have you ever thought about maybe writing a book on aspergers based on what you have seen in your family members? I think it would be cool to read about it from a less clinical perspective like its taught in uni and more as case studies

Had we taken that grandson to a psychiatrist instead, I shudder to think how bad the outcome could have been for him. He would have been drugged up, which would have made it harder for him to adjust to his own neurology, and have suffered side effects. Psychiatrists generally are not interested in innately different learning modes, or self development, they work in a tunnel of pathology only with drugs that they espouse an unproven level of faith in.

..

One of the books of odd families that still makes me laugh when I recall reading it was Gerald Durrell's hilarious and compassionate account called "My Family and Other Animals". I would guess that Gerald might have grown up in a similar family and maybe is AS himself. Not sure. Anyway, I don't think I could write anything as interesting and funny as he did, on my own family, and the younger members of it need some privacy, so I write here.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Family ... er_Animals

If you do talk to him about it, start by saying that you love him very much and do not have any desire to change him. Ask him if he thinks it would be helpful for him to explore the possibility that he might have AS.

My initial reaction when I found out was overwhelming relief and I was very happy to be a part of the tribe. But then as the months went by, I had a sense of grief and depression about how much I had lost (I am 40 and only got diagnosed last year) and all the things that I never realised I was missing. I've had to search to get back to myself and now I am feeling much more confident and happy again.

I would say that having this realisation is a very big change that affects how we see ourselves and our lives, and as know, Aspies are not always the best at dealing with change. In computer terms, it takes a while for us to download and install new updates. Be aware that if you start this journey, it will probably be worth it but it may be a bumpy ride for a while. Your support will help him so much though.

I would definately say choose a time of low-stress to talk about it, as if he is feeling more stressed about other things then he will have less resources to deal with it effectively- and by resources I mean things like mental energy, self-confidence, emotional strength and so on.

I would also say that it sounds like you have a good relationship, and I think it is great that you want to help him understand himself better. And it also sounds like this is important to him too.

So my question is this:
--Do I tell him what I suspect?
Yes, you should tell him.
--How do I do it with offending him?
Just be up front about it, tell him how you read something and it reminded you a lot of him.
--If you didn't know, would you have wanted to?
Very much so.
--To those especially who were diagnosed as adults, did it make things more clear? Easier to deal with or understand? Would you preferred knowing or not knowing?
I was diagnosed in my twenties; oddly enough a friend a played an online game with and never met in real life, was the one that told me they thought I had it. I got tested, and I did. I was so happy when I found out, a lot of things made more sense, and I didn't blame myself for certain things. I then learned a lot more about it, and it has helped me to understand myself more. I have done a lot better in life after learning that I have aspergers. If I didn't know at this point, I might not be in such a good place.

--Do I tell him what I suspect?
That’s really difficult to answer. I was diagnosed at 15 or 16 years old when I went to a psychologist for a few years. I spent about 24 or so years accepting and then denying my autism. It was an extremely hard thing for me to accept because it meant accepting vulnerability. I think you might consider telling he you suspect he has it, but you should make sure to have some reading materials available for him. Don’t just tell him and when he asks for information, shrug your shoulders.

--How do I do it with offending him? (I worry that he might think I'm saying theres something wrong with him or that he's crazy or that I don't like his personality because he connects his unique way of thinking to his personality a lot).
If he’s autistic, there IS something wrong with him. However, as others have said, it’s not a mental disease or illness. It’s a developmental disorder, more like a learning disability i.e. ADHD, etc. You tell him, as somebody else said, in a low stress situation and you affirm your love for him after you tell him (assuming you do).

--If you didn't know, would you have wanted to?

I don’t know. I sort of haven’t known for a long time because I kept it from myself for so long.

--To those especially who were diagnosed as adults, did it make things more clear? Easier to deal with or understand? Would you preferred knowing or not knowing?

That’s hard to answer. I think it’s beneficial to know because I can read about myself and learn more about myself. Also, after I finish school and get a job in my field, I’m going to become an advocate for autism with a goal of making it easier for younger autistics to function in society when they become adults. All of that is a good thing. However, now that I know, I feel extremely vulnerable and sometimes psych myself out in the sense that I worry I won’t perform well at my job, or will provide inferior treatments because I sometimes feel inferior. It’s a mixed bag.

Why do you want to tell him? What’s your underlying motive?

Yes please tell him.
Wish someone would have told me.