Failure to develop peer relationships appropriate

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serenity
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11 Oct 2009, 4:34 pm

to developmental level. What does this mean to you? Of course, not everyone who is dxed will have this, as you only have to have 2 out of the 4 in criteria A of the DSM to qualify. It's just something that I'm wondering about, because so many posts on here speak of having friends, sometimes quite a few. That's something that has always been very hard for me to do, and as I'm growing older it seems to be even harder. I don't have any friends, besides my husband. I have tried, and tried. Other women just don't click with me, for whatever reason, no matter how much I try to be friendly. As a matter of fact, the more I try, the more I get rejected. Most of the time, this doesn't bother me, but I have to admit that at times it does. I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong, since I know that it has to be me, because this has always been a problem.



11 Oct 2009, 4:43 pm

serenity wrote:
to developmental level. What does this mean to you? Of course, not everyone who is dxed will have this, as you only have to have 2 out of the 4 in criteria A of the DSM to qualify. It's just something that I'm wondering about, because so many posts on here speak of having friends, sometimes quite a few. That's something that has always been very hard for me to do, and as I'm growing older it seems to be even harder. I don't have any friends, besides my husband. I have tried, and tried. Other women just don't click with me, for whatever reason, no matter how much I try to be friendly. As a matter of fact, the more I try, the more I get rejected. Most of the time, this doesn't bother me, but I have to admit that at times it does. I don't know what it is that I'm doing wrong, since I know that it has to be me, because this has always been a problem.



I was overcoming my shyness in my teens and then I got shy all over again when I kept getting meanness. I was told to mind my own business or people didn't appreciate what I was saying or didn't like what I was talking about, saying I was being too personal. What's next, being accused of stalking and being creepy? I have never been there yet but I have read about aspies and auties being accused of it so no wonder lot of us are shy so it made me afraid to even approach men and ask them out and stuff. I really feel people don't appreciate me and don't want me so I shy away from people. This is why lot of aspies are shy.

As a child things are easier because grown ups cut you slack but when you're an adult, they expect you to know everything (not literally but you know what I mean?).



Ambivalence
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11 Oct 2009, 5:10 pm

For me, well, from very early childhood I didn't interact much with my peers, same at junior school, same at secondary school, same at college, same at university, same now. At school I was very often being mocked (although I didn't always realise it :( ) and generally I've never realised how the society around me worked until a long time afterwards (like looking back, now.) I think I may be past that stage, now; I've a lot more experience, at least, and more confidence, and while I don't have a social life as such, I don't think I'm being taken advantage of any more.

I think the single most important thing needed for socialising (and relationships in general) is already having a social life - it's much like jobs where they want you to have experience of work before they'll let you work. :) I think Spokane's right about people being wary if you "want to be friends with them" without being introduced in some way through a network of compeers*.

The handful of friends and acquaintances I do have are mostly women - not sure if that counts as not appropriate for a man. :lol:

*I think I can safely say that's the first time I've ever used that word, writing or speaking! I couldn't resist.


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jamesp420
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11 Oct 2009, 5:34 pm

In elementary school I had a few friends, but they were difficult to make, and I didn't keep them long, except one girl that ended up being my first girlfriend. In middle school I had a lot of trouble making friends, and only had about 3 or 4 through the entire 3 years. Since I've gotten in high school, though, I've had no trouble making friends. I have a lot of people I can actually call friends, and even more acquaintances. I get along with many people and have taught myself how to interact with my peers. Socializing for me really isn't too much of a problem.


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buryuntime
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11 Oct 2009, 5:59 pm

To me, that means not developing friends especially at a young age like other children do. Of course, this could be taken to older people. In teens this would also mean not developing relationships with people. In adulthood this might mean not making friends with co-workers like other people.



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11 Oct 2009, 6:04 pm

Ever had to dumb yourself down to talk to someone? I've almost always had to do that with my friends. People who I wouldn't need to dumb down for don't want to hang around. not sure it's actually what it means but it's what it sounds like to me.


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Last edited by racooneyes on 11 Oct 2009, 6:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CTBill
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11 Oct 2009, 6:04 pm

I always preferred being around adults when I was a kid, as other kids were too rough and loud for me; I had very few friends my own age, and never for very long--it seemed as though they "outgrew" me and started to pal around with the kids I hated. Some even turned against me.

Even today, all but one or two of the very few people whom I consider "friends" are at least 15 years older than I.



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11 Oct 2009, 6:21 pm

Ambivalence wrote:
*I think I can safely say that's the first time I've ever used that word, writing or speaking! I couldn't resist.

"There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."

"Where?"

"In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.

--Roald Dahl, "The Great Automatic Grammatisator"



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11 Oct 2009, 6:27 pm

racooneyes wrote:
Ever had to dumb yourself down to talk to someone? I've almost always had to do that with my friends. People who I wouldn't need to dumb down for don't want to hang around. not sure it's actually what it means but it's what it sounds like to me.


I dumb myself down every morning when I leave for school. I even have to talk down to my teachers. This sounds egotistical, but no one in my school can come near to my intellect, yet most can easily surpass my grades. I have only one friend that I can speak to without any "dumbing down," and even this is because I have taught him a lot, as he is truly my best friend, my brother more or less.


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11 Oct 2009, 6:34 pm

It means no friends/relations from your peer group (people of similar age/"class" to you, i.e., what's socially "normal").

If you have a seventy years old individual you talk to and you consider your friend, but you so happen to be fifteen, this would meet it; having no friends/relations at all would too, obviously.

Social isolation is a common thing for people with AS (marriage and romantic relations are relegated to the highest functioning individuals who're closer to normal than disordered. It's like 1 - 2% for these two things).



alba
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11 Oct 2009, 6:52 pm

During childhood and adolescence, I managed with a few friends, and almost always had a best friend. As an adult, peer relationships have been far more challenging.



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Last edited by alba on 12 Oct 2009, 7:31 am, edited 2 times in total.

serenity
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11 Oct 2009, 6:55 pm

So, would a spouse be counted as a peer relationship? It's almost a miracle that I ended up married. I had very, very little romantic relationships prior to my husband.

I did have interest in my peers as a child. I was extremely awkward in the ways that I approached them, though. Much like my son, I'd pick someone out that I decided was my friend, and that was that. I didn't realize that they actually had to like me back, and form a relationship to be considered my friend. The two girls that I picked finally let me into their group, because it was obvious that I was never going away, but they weren't very nice to me at all. (which I didn't even seem to notice most of the time) This continued all through out my grade school, and middle school years. I did manage to make some real friends along the way, but usually they dumped me, because if they didn't their friends would've dumped them. It was uncool to be my friend.



matt
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11 Oct 2009, 7:02 pm

I remember in elementary school during recess. Other people would be with their friends, and I would do things by myself. I would swing, or I would walk around and watch other people interact with each other and wonder how they made friends.

And then I remember when some people were nice to me and I thought they were my friends and then I found out that they were making fun of me being gullible.

And I remember middle school when people would talk to each other during breaks and at lunch, and I would read books on one subject or if I didn't have my books I would listen to them talking to each other, or I would walk around and watch other people interact with each other and wonder how they made friends. And if I did talk to people they would call me crazy and tell me I was doing things wrong.

And I remember in high school during breaks and lunch when people would talk to each other. I would go to the library and start using a computer and I almost never said a word to anyone outside of class. I remember two teachers said I seemed "aloof".

I was aware that people had friendships with people, but I didn't know how to get them and in the few rare instances where I had any kind of pleasant interaction with anyone else I had no idea how to make it happen again. For a few days or weeks I might talk to someone about something for a while and then they would stop being at the same place or they would be with someone else, and even if they invited me to come then they only talked to each other and not to me.

I didn't go to people's houses. I remember thinking that going to other people's houses must be a big thing that friends did, but I wasn't really comfortable if I was in anyone else's house or if anyone unusual was in mine.



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11 Oct 2009, 7:12 pm

Well as of now I have no friends (outside of WP/AIM which IMO I kind of don't count) How I interpret that part of the DSM critieria is developmentally do we have peer relationships and friends in connection with our age group of sorts (that how I view it) and for me the answer is no I've never had a boyfriend,and as an adult have 0 friends. :-)



brittany89
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11 Oct 2009, 7:14 pm

I didn't have many friends and was shy in high school. I'm in college now and I still have a lot of anxiety/awkwardness around people, but most people at this school are cool and they don't really care so I can get used to them to a point where it's not awkward. Still hate meeting people or talking to people for the first time though. I feel like I give impressions that I don't really mean to give or realize I'm giving. Like, one of my friends last year said something along the lines of "Well, some people think you're a little mean but I don't really think you really mean it." I never try to be mean to anyone unless they do something horrible enough to warrant it, so what the? :?:



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11 Oct 2009, 7:35 pm

Spokane_Girl wrote:
serenity wrote:
What's next, being accused of stalking and being creepy? I have never been there yet but I have read about aspies and auties being accused of it so no wonder lot of us are shy so it made me afraid to even approach men and ask them out and stuff. ?).


I've been there. I wrote to a girl I hadn't seen for four years and told her I was in love with her. Prior to this, I walked fourteen miles a day to the village she lived in for two weeks while I worked up the nerve to do it. This is probably the most insane thing I've done in my life.