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StarTrekker
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17 Mar 2014, 2:18 am

I was busy perusing a dyscalculia forum the other day (because I think the disorder explains a lot about my inability to reliably perform basic math) and it's really the only forum I've looked at in any detail apart from WP. While there, I noticed something interesting. The people there respond far more emotionally to peoples' posts than members do here; they're eager to offer up smiley faces and "hugs" in situations where such action would never have occurred to me. They also spend a lot more time commiserating with whatever difficulty the OP is having than we do. In general it appears we prefer getting down to the facts and offering practical advice rather than saying things like, "I'm sorry, that sounds terrible!" in part because such platitudes are fairly pointless, and in part because it probably doesn't usually occur to us that someone might want to hear such things. They compliment each other on their posts a lot more too; while we quote people and just say, "this", they go on about how "great" and "insightful" the people they're quoting are. Just an interesting observation I thought I'd share. Those of you who use other forums apart from WP, have you noticed anything similar?


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Rascal77s
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17 Mar 2014, 2:59 am

StarTrekker wrote:
I was busy perusing a dyscalculia forum the other day (because I think the disorder explains a lot about my inability to reliably perform basic math) and it's really the only forum I've looked at in any detail apart from WP. While there, I noticed something interesting. The people there respond far more emotionally to peoples' posts than members do here; they're eager to offer up smiley faces and "hugs" in situations where such action would never have occurred to me. They also spend a lot more time commiserating with whatever difficulty the OP is having than we do. In general it appears we prefer getting down to the facts and offering practical advice rather than saying things like, "I'm sorry, that sounds terrible!" in part because such platitudes are fairly pointless, and in part because it probably doesn't usually occur to us that someone might want to hear such things. They compliment each other on their posts a lot more too; while we quote people and just say, "this", they go on about how "great" and "insightful" the people they're quoting are. Just an interesting observation I thought I'd share. Those of you who use other forums apart from WP, have you noticed anything similar?



Yes, I've been very aware of this long time. The people on the dyscalculia forum do not have social deficits like many of the folks here. I have tried to use the niceties that you mention, and always find it interesting, though not unexpected, that they are very rarely reciprocated on WP. As impractical as they may seem to many of us they are expected by the other 99% of the population. Being that we are particularly small and powerless minority I believe we need to learn these things and fake it till we make it. The other option is sit back and die of old age while waiting for the rest of the world to conform to us.



Last edited by Rascal77s on 17 Mar 2014, 10:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

LookingLost
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17 Mar 2014, 6:07 am

I have noticed this as well.
I don't think I would know what to do on another forum.


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17 Mar 2014, 6:52 am

The quoting I do here because it seems to be the way things are done. So that's what I do, too. Some people do what you describe here, too, but not nearly as much praise and communicating positive emotional warmth unless the person asks directly, while responding with more direct warmth if someone says they are desperate on this website than elsewhere where the response to such directness is often, not always, nothing.

I think the difference here is that people need to be more specific and we tend to respond literally, so even if someone sounds angry in a post, if they say on WP that they are sad and need help, that seems to usually be what they get. Elsewhere, people seem to decide what they think is appropriate rather than taking the poster's word for it. They interpret the emotional intent and need and respond accordingly. Here we believe what people say more. At least that's how it seems to me.

Rascal77s wrote:
Being that we are particularly small and powerless minority I believe we need to learn these things and fake it till we make it. The other option is sit back and die of old age while waiting for the rest of the world to conform to us.

I totally agree with this and try hard to figure out what to do, but it often gets overwhelming and I often lose myself in the process of trying to survive a world where I'm not recognized as real unless I am contorting myself to fit in, and where always waiting to be caught at being different and told I'm pretending when really it's the acting normal that's the effort...... I guess there isn't any way out, but it does seem important to try this, just not too hard and not all the time. I don't have that balance yet.



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17 Mar 2014, 6:58 am

StarTrekker wrote:
Those of you who use other forums apart from WP, have you noticed anything similar?


You know I have nearly 10,000 combined posts on two other help and advice forums, and no I have not noticed that. Which I think is probably it not registering with me. Maybe that's why I see no real dif at all between them and WP. But everyone on the other two mostly NT forums all seem to really like me a lot, and are thanking me all the time, so I must be doing it right, even though I don't seem to know what that is.



wozeree
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17 Mar 2014, 6:16 pm

I think people here are pretty emotional actually.
Not all mind you, but overall.



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18 Mar 2014, 4:22 am

Interesting, StarTrekker!

StarTrekker wrote:
The people there respond far more emotionally to peoples' posts than members do here; they're eager to offer up smiley faces and "hugs" in situations where such action would never have occurred to me.

It doesn't seem natural to me to say "hugs" so I hardly ever do, but I like using smileys to clarify what I mean. I use it less on here because it doesn't seem to be the thing to do on here.

StarTrekker wrote:
In general it appears we prefer getting down to the facts and offering practical advice rather than saying things like, "I'm sorry, that sounds terrible!" in part because such platitudes are fairly pointless, and in part because it probably doesn't usually occur to us that someone might want to hear such things.

Actually I have never seen "I'm sorry" to be pointless at all. A lot of NTs will just say it, but I only say it when I mean it, so when I do it's because I really am sorry they are feeling/ experiencing/ going through whatever it is. I don't think "do they wanna hear it?" I just feel it and say it, especially in writing. (It's awkward IRL.)
Offering sincere sympathy isn't pointless to me.

If I do have any practical advice I do like to give it though, so I can help them any way I can.


I use one non-ASD forum and I can't say that people there go out of their way to compliment each other's posts or show sympathy. That's not to say they never do, but not that much really.


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18 Mar 2014, 6:04 am

Go on the General Discussion section of PlayStation UK forums. Harsh world there :lol:


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18 Mar 2014, 2:47 pm

I agree with the observations and reasoning of the OP (noticed like a lot of posters I wrote OP instead of the more personal StarTrekker)


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JSBACHlover
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18 Mar 2014, 10:55 pm

I love numbers. 8O :D :roll:



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18 Mar 2014, 11:14 pm

^ :lol: I was just going to say that I use this emoticon :lol: a lot on WP. I use others as well but I've noticed that I use the laughing one a lot.


That's interesting,OP.It makes sense. The only other forums I've ever been on were Harry Potter forums and an ADHD forum but I didn't notice how many emoticons or how much punctuation people used there. Now I'm kind-of curious about it.



StarTrekker
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18 Mar 2014, 11:24 pm

Skilpadde wrote:
Actually I have never seen "I'm sorry" to be pointless at all. A lot of NTs will just say it, but I only say it when I mean it, so when I do it's because I really am sorry they are feeling/ experiencing/ going through whatever it is. I don't think "do they wanna hear it?" I just feel it and say it, especially in writing. (It's awkward IRL.)
Offering sincere sympathy isn't pointless to me.

If I do have any practical advice I do like to give it though, so I can help them any way I can.


I use one non-ASD forum and I can't say that people there go out of their way to compliment each other's posts or show sympathy. That's not to say they never do, but not that much really.


That's interesting, I often find sympathy with no added advice or suggestion for how to rectify the problem to be more disheartening and sometimes annoying than anything else; why inform me that you're sorry about my problem when there's nothing you can do to help? I suppose empathy would be better, as in, "yeah I've been there," but I find flat-out sympathy to be kind of annoying. Curious.


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18 Mar 2014, 11:26 pm

StarTrekker wrote:
Those of you who use other forums apart from WP, have you noticed anything similar?


Yes I've noticed all the things you mentioned, and I've done all those things myself on other forums, but it never felt natural to me. It is such a relief to post here and not have to do those things.

Waterfalls wrote:
I think the difference here is that people need to be more specific and we tend to respond literally, so even if someone sounds angry in a post, if they say on WP that they are sad and need help, that seems to usually be what they get. Elsewhere, people seem to decide what they think is appropriate rather than taking the poster's word for it. They interpret the emotional intent and need and respond accordingly. Here we believe what people say more. At least that's how it seems to me.


I agree, that seems to be the major difference here. And I have found it really frustrating on other forums when people would respond what they thought I was expressing emotionally, rather than what I said.



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18 Mar 2014, 11:38 pm

StarTrekker wrote:
I often find sympathy with no added advice or suggestion for how to rectify the problem to be more disheartening and sometimes annoying than anything else; why inform me that you're sorry about my problem when there's nothing you can do to help? I suppose empathy would be better, as in, "yeah I've been there," but I find flat-out sympathy to be kind of annoying. Curious.


^This. (See, I do that too. :lol: )

I get the feeling that, on this forum, when people are asking for some constructive help/advice, it doesn't make a lot of sense to just say "gee, sorry about that" and not be able to offer anything else.

The exception to this, I think, is when someone outright says "I just need to rant about such-and-such--thanks for reading this if you do." Then, sympathy on its own "makes sense", at least to me.


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18 Mar 2014, 11:49 pm

It's like that for me on an ADHD forum I'm on. When I get in a really bad mood I ban them from giving me virtual hugs. Then when I'm happier I'll allow them to because they annoy me less. I also notice that I can't be sympathetic when someone I feel close to is hurting. If I can't offer advice or relate I'm not much good at all.

I'm convinced though that the ADHD forum help me build on my empathy skills.

I shift between being emotional and more logical, or just too damn tired/unmotivated/unfocused to even take care with the words I use that this place can seem pretty cold but other times I barely notice it. This is the only forum though where I will not give people a hard time of being too literal. There are some people in the ADHD forum like that who have AS co-morbid (or maybe the ADHD is co-morbid?) and it really feels out of place in such warm emotional environment. Sometimes the emotions can be suffocating though.

It's hard to find a balance.


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19 Mar 2014, 5:29 am

I've noticed that every board tends to develop its own personality. So it's likely that somehow a very huggy, supportive, emotive tone got established on the dyscalculia site, and gets perpetuated because the people who like it tend to stick around and the people who don't move on to somewhere else.

I've hung out on an ADHD board, a homeschooling board, and a couple of financial sites, and have not found them to be particularly emotive. Although I'm NT (parent of an AS kid), I gravitate more to the style of WP than someplace where there are a lot of "hugs".