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therange
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11 Mar 2010, 9:15 pm

I'm not in denial that I have at least a mild case of AS, and even a mild case is visible to someone not on the spectrum. However, I've learned over the past year that toughening up to the best of your capability is the only way to survive in the NT world. For example, if you see someone making fun of you and you're doing nothing wrong and didn't leave the house wearing a diaper and a multi-colored mohawk, and they're just laughing at you because your posture or whatever seems a little "off"...just realize that they aren't informed, and feel bad for them that they have to get their jollies by making fun of the unknown.

Also, by doing this, you'll walk around with more confidence, and significantly reduce the number of people who would notice you that way in the first place. There still will be jerks, but a lot of people will look at you as "anyone else."

What I also recommend is living your life on your own terms as much as you can. For example, getting a job that fits your interests instead of getting a job you hate that pays well just because you don't want mommy and daddy to pay the bills. I have no shame living at home in this economy, while figuring out what I can possibly do with my life that I'll enjoy when I'm ready to be throughly independent.

The internet is a great resource too. I feel this site coddles people too much because they're afraid of hurting people's feelings, but there are still good posters on this site and chat rooms and message boards in general are good for making friends that you can tell anything to and will give you honest advice and care about your progress.

Playing the "I have AS and I can't help it" card is only going to get you so far. If anything, maybe my situation is different than most here, but my social skills have been easier to correct than my pervasive learning disorder that has affected everything from me dropping out of a 4 year college (despite being in the top classes in high school and getting an associate's degree with a 2.9 despite having life-threatening depression) because the work was over my head, to having poor motor skills, and not being able to comprehend what I'm reading in books.

My social skills were well below average minus my relationship with my parents and brother. Now I have little to no social anxiety in most situations (I say most because I hate big cities or night clubs and the like.)

You have to accept responsibility for the parts of your life that you're able to.

The reason I'm hard on a few members on this site in particular is because they're on this site for comfort. They have no intention of changing what can be changed, they just want to be stubborn and do things their way and have the world adapt to them.

Like it or not, certain things work and certain things don't. I had to learn the rules of dating, and now that I know them, it's like riding a bike. It seems a lot of people, especially on the love and dating forum, want to say "I can't" out of fear or obstinence and disrespect for everyone giving them advice.

It's time to grow up. I can't drive. I will likely never work a conventional job, conventional meaning something that isn't isolated or is 9 to 5. But there is something I can do for a career or a way to earn a consistent paycheck. I just haven't figured it out yet.



zeldapsychology
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11 Mar 2010, 9:24 pm

Wow! Very well said. I agree at times I use this for "comfort" and wish I didn't as much but I agree with everything you said. Ya for YOU! :-)



League_Girl
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11 Mar 2010, 9:47 pm

So you got retested and it came back as AS again?

You can't always find a job you like because you need a job to have a roof over your head.

I have learned to deal with jerks over the years and learned to not care what people think. I still try not to care what people say.

I also admit I am too lazy to learn body language and other stuff because I am not interested. So I can't really complain about people not making any sense when they use those skills. But I have learned stuff on here about skills and some double meanings like "let's be friends" and "we should do this sometime."

I don't have to worry about the rules of dating because I have a husband now but I went out there and met men I met online back when I was dating.

I also worked hard in high school and doing my school work and taking pride in it but had to accept the extra help or it's fail high school. I had to accept the work modifications or it's more stress and anxiety and maybe failing to get the work done.

I fought through my inflexibility and learned to deal with change. Now I lack that aspie trait. My anxiety also got better and I am doing good without my pills because of the environment I'm in but I have noticed more stimming and decreased attention span. I just have to work on the attention span part. Stimming, I can try to control if it's bothering my husband but he doesn't care so I never tried. Wait until I have kids, then I will see. If I am having more meltdowns and more anxiety and my AS traits are worse, I'll get back on my pills again.

You're brave for speaking your mind but I think you could be nicer of course. You can still be honest and still be nice than being all harsh. Some people don't seem to realize that.

But you should ask yourself about those people who don't want to change and are complaining about their problems they refuse to fix, are they worth your time? Is it worth to get warnings here? Would a ban be worth it?



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11 Mar 2010, 9:54 pm

I've toughened up quite a bit, when I was in my 20s. I've learned to ignore comments that the kids would make. Now, I'm not bothered by anything.


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therange
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11 Mar 2010, 10:03 pm

League - haven't been tested yet, just after reading these boards along with noticing my own tendencies, you can say I have or don't have AS, but I have AS traits and that's all that matters.

I realize I'm harsh too, but if you've ever seen the show 24, I'm kind of like Chloe. She just says the first thing that comes to her mind unfiltered. I do realize, however, that I have the ability on the computer to read before I type and make it sound nicer.



dustintorch
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12 Mar 2010, 12:29 am

Some things are unchangeable. For instance, I will always seem distant to people. I've tried to change to the very BEST of my ability, and I just get to a point where I am too tired to act "connected" to people. Other things are very changeable though. I've been able to change the way I'm percieved by people to some degree. I've learned to be less rude, have more empathy, think before I say things, not interrupt and so on. There are lots of things that people are capable of working on but the seeming "off" that you mentioned, is sort of not going away. I see where you're coming from though. I just feel a little protective over the people who do come here for comfort, because you never know, some of those people might be one step away from suicide and the comfort they get here saves them. I've seen it several times here. Once a month you see a suicide post and people just basically beg them not to do it. The last thing these people need is not to be comforted. All in all, it is a support group and change has to come from within. You can tell someone to change over and over but if they don't want to, it's like banging you head against a wall. Those people will change when they're ready. As far as I'm concerned, I just let them be and try to learn something from everyone here.



Neuron
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12 Mar 2010, 12:30 am

Good advice, therange.



zen_mistress
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12 Mar 2010, 12:59 am

League_Girl wrote:
You can't always find a job you like because you need a job to have a roof over your head.


agreed.


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therange
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12 Mar 2010, 2:50 am

I know there are people who genuinely are reaching out and are feeling geuinely hopeless...I'm not talking about those people. I'm addressing the posters on the love and dating forum who whine about not having a girlfriend and complain about the so-called NT rules of dating. I wanted to date bad enough where I worked around my weakness and found women that were my type to date online, and now because of it, my social skills are at a point that when I see that cute girl in real life that I want to talk to, I do it. I might not be the most smooth guy, but I have much more ability than I ever did and got rid of the excess mental and physical anxiety.

On another note, I had neighbors who harassed my family. They had gangster friends (white and non white) and they themselves were low class. The teenage son would pay people to throw eggs and alcohol bottles at our house when we weren't home or at late hours of the night so we could never witness it. The mother was in denial, and on top of it, had a sick obsession with my family. She would, no exaggeration, pretend to sweep her porch during rain storms just to hear us if we were talking outside or had the door open. It got to a point where the teenage boy knew my schedule and had some big gangster kid stand in my driveway waiting for me to come home, presumably to jump me and my brother or at least threaten us. My mom came home instead, and the kid threatened my mother. The cops talked to the idiot neighbor many times, but there was nothing they could do because we never caught him in the act.

Eventually, they moved, thank God, a few years ago.

To me a problem like that is legitimate and frustrating. I had the dating problems too, as far as feeling hopeless and sexually frustrated, but that's nothing to whine over, and if you're tough with the guy doing the whining, he isn't going to hurt himself. He's just using the internet as a passive aggressive source to vent.



Last edited by therange on 12 Mar 2010, 3:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

LittleTigger
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12 Mar 2010, 3:10 am

I have no problem with how I react to things, and
I don't need an excuse for it, I am not going to
listen to those who have a problem with it if they
are the ones who caused me to react a certain way on purpose.

If someone causes me to scream and kick a tree
because they chose to incite terror in me,
so what? I'm dealing with it. Thats how I deal with it,
I don't bneed some dang "excuse" that is life, that
is how I deal with it. If peple don't like how I deal
with it they can just Go Away, or complain to god
or someone else, I Will Not Hear It.

If it is an honest mistake, sorry, I am not
perfect and I won't even try to be, if I
am expected to be, then the expecter can
be disapointed.

My Prime Directive is not be to be offencive
on purpose, that does not compute, but the ones
who on purpose cause me to do things that
others think is "not normal" will just have to
sit there being disapointed because I have not
found out HOW to stop these reactions.

Zimple.

I choose not to date because dating and reshipos
bores me, that kind of love isn't for me, I have
no need for it, so I don't miss it.

I am happy playing with my Tiggers and Poohs and
my kittpuss dolls and my Hotwheels.


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Lene
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12 Mar 2010, 5:58 am

Quote:
The internet is a great resource too. I feel this site coddles people too much because they're afraid of hurting people's feelings, but there are still good posters on this site and chat rooms and message boards in general are good for making friends that you can tell anything to and will give you honest advice and care about your progress.


I think this site is ok for the most part, but I do object to the molly-coddling in the Haven sometimes. It's annoying when someone posts stuff like "I was a complete bastard/b***h to my friend and now they don't like me anymore, what do I doo-ooo???" and you are not allowed say "yes, you did act like a heel. Apologise and don't do it again", instead you're supposed to say what a horrible friend they had and good riddance and other feel-good crap. I really don't think that's a good way to learn from mistakes; sometimes you need a good kick up the...

Quote:
Playing the "I have AS and I can't help it" card is only going to get you so far.

You have to accept responsibility for the parts of your life that you're able to.

The reason I'm hard on a few members on this site in particular is because they're on this site for comfort. They have no intention of changing what can be changed, they just want to be stubborn and do things their way and have the world adapt to them.


I suppose if they are aware that they are using this site as a comfort blanket, or place to rant, then it's ok. Many people have friends who are the same (i.e. they ask for advice but never listen). I think people should be clearer in their posts what they want out of the replies e.g. whether they want genuine advice or just a sympathetic ear.



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12 Mar 2010, 8:01 am

I think you have a strong point, but it's always hard to know for sure in any individual case whether you're dealing with somebody who just needs to be told to get a grip, or whether it's somebody who really is out of their depth.

I made a bad mistake with a member of the band I was in, back in the 1970s. He was getting awkward in lots of ways like that, and after an initial phase of trying to sympathise and be all soft with him, I started to assume that he was perfectly capable of sorting himself out, so I withdrew all sympathy......he had a nervous breakdown soon afterwards, and had to be incarcerated for a while. On his release he attempted suicide. I know it wasn't exactly my fault, but I still feel guilty for expecting too much of him, especially now I've discovered my AS and noticed how hurtful it was in the days when people who didn't know of my condition would just assume I was being awkward and silly.

Another friend of mine (J) made an even bigger mistake. We'd both recently experienced a guy (K) who would use threats of suicide to gain attention, so when another friend (L) was having a rough time and mentioned to J that hed nearly thrown himself under a passing train, L just grinned at him and shook his head, effectively saying "don't come that rubbish with me." But L's plight was absolutely genuine, and he killed himself. I don't think that J ever lived it down.

I'm not saying that you'd just blow off a potential suicide. I'm sure your opinion has a lot of truth in it....all I'm saying is that we should be very careful that we don't forsake those who really are close to the edge. I do believe in "tough love," and I hate to see the cranking out of indiscriminate approval, which isn't really love at all. But brutal honesty can sometimes do more harm than good.



Stereokid
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12 Mar 2010, 11:12 am

therange wrote:
For example, getting a job that fits your interests instead of getting a job you hate that pays well just because you don't want mommy and daddy to pay the bills. I have no shame living at home in this economy, while figuring out what I can possibly do with my life that I'll enjoy when I'm ready to be throughly independent.


Ok, what about people like me who want to own a home theater but can't because they live with mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy won't let them put a home theater in their bedroom because their bedroom is too small? Unless there's a way to magically expend my bedroom free of charge, I have to wait until I'm out on my own to own a home theater.

Let me tell you something, therange. Some people have no choice but to go into the better paying job. And what makes you think lower-paying jobs are easy and enjoyable? I bag groceries for $9.50/hr, and on top of that, have to deal with customers that think they're funny, and compound that with having to stand for hours on end.



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12 Mar 2010, 11:25 am

therange wrote:
League - haven't been tested yet, just after reading these boards along with noticing my own tendencies, you can say I have or don't have AS, but I have AS traits and that's all that matters.I realize I'm harsh too, but if you've ever seen the show 24, I'm kind of like Chloe. She just says the first thing that comes to her mind unfiltered. I do realize, however, that I have the ability on the computer to read before I type and make it sound nicer.


I know that self diagnosis may be valid, but if you haven't been confirmed by someone to actually be autistic, I don't think you have any right to hold yourself up as an example of how to overcome autism-related problems. Did it occur to you that maybe you overcame them because you're not really autistic? It just seems rich to assume everyone can do what you can when they are diagnosed as 'clinically impaired' while you claim to have AS traits.



League_Girl
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12 Mar 2010, 11:32 am

He is actually diagnosed with AS but he has questioned it so I do see the irony in his OP.



Lecks
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12 Mar 2010, 11:34 am

Stereokid wrote:
Ok, what about people like me who want to own a home theater but can't because they live with mommy and daddy and mommy and daddy won't let them put a home theater in their bedroom because their bedroom is too small? Unless there's a way to magically expend my bedroom free of charge, I have to wait until I'm out on my own to own a home theater.

Then wait, not having a home theatre won't kill you or magically make your life crap.

Quote:
Let me tell you something, therange. Some people have no choice but to go into the better paying job. And what makes you think lower-paying jobs are easy and enjoyable? I bag groceries for $9.50/hr, and on top of that, have to deal with customers that think they're funny, and compound that with having to stand for hours on end.

Of course you have a choice, you can choose to not get that home theatre and you can choose to not bag groceries for $9.50/hr while putting up with annoying customers.
Therange didn't claim that all lower paying jobs are easy and enjoyable, he said that finding a job that suits your interests is more important than finding a job that's not enjoyable simply because it pays better.