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ryanms92
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08 Jan 2011, 1:11 am

As you have probably heard it said time and time again, people with Asperger's have a hard time reading body language. I guess this is somewhat true for me, but to be honest, I really haven't had much of a problem with it. I can easily tell when someone is happy or sad, or uncomfortable, etc. Then again, maybe I just THINK that I don't have a problem, when in reality I'm far worse at it than I think I am. Anyways, because of this Asperger's are said to "lack empathy for others". I don't just find this wrong, I find it insulting. To assume that Asperger's have little emotions and have a hard time "feeling sorry" for others infuriates me (which is an emotion!). An example that really stuck out for me is this (paraphrased) quote: "If you hug an Aspie, he/she may interpret it as a type of strangulation that restricts their muscles, rather than an act of affection". 8O WHAT?! I forget where I got this from (I'll link if I know) but am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous? I mean, really? I have NEVER interpreted a hug like that. Then again, I have a relatively mild case of Asperger's, so maybe I just don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Anyways, while I'm on the subject, there is a website that really started to depress me. (http://www.inthelight.co.nz/spirit/asrelationships.htm) Basically, it just says that people with Asperger's become obsessed with one girl and if he does form a relationship with her, it will be very hard to maintain the relationship because of the lack of oxytocin, which of course helps trust, bonding, and communication.

This depressed me for a number of reasons. One, I'm 18 and I've never had a girlfriend. Two, there is a girl that I've liked for two years and haven't asked out yet. I'm not obsessed with her and I don't stalk her or anything like that and I don't think she's the ultra most extra special girl ever, but it's just an innocent high school crush I've had for awhile now. But now according to the website, it's near impossible for me to maintain a relationship with her or with anyone.

I don't understand this. I don't see how no oxytocin has this effect. If I just had the chance to establish a relationship, I guarantee you that I could hug and kiss and know signs of affection when I see them. But then again, maybe I just THINK it's going to be easy. Maybe I really don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

But the reason this depresses me is that I don't want to live in my parents basement when I'm 30. That is my biggest fear. And now, since it's unlikely I'll ever have a girlfriend, it just makes me incredibly depressed. I literally had a 15 minute crying session before posting this on here. That's how depressed this makes me.



jamesongerbil
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08 Jan 2011, 1:23 am

Wow, I used to think I was good at socializing, too. Ha!
Don't listen to that website, it got several things wrong. Maybe you should get some confidence, take the plunge and ask her out? If she says no, which may be the worst thing that could happen (don't forget to catch her alone, in case you didn't know) there are other girls out there. Maybe you'll meet a really nice girl some day, where you'll both have the same interests (not that I'm saying that girl and you don't have the same interests.) Besides, you're only 18. Many people don't date until their in college, and they aren't on the spectrum.
Second, there is no proof that people with Asperger's or Autism have an oxycotin deficit. I was researching it last night. And, I don't see any people with Autism or Aspergers having trust issues beyond conditioned trust issues and effects produced by hostile sensory conditions. It's not emotional, until you make it that way! At least, that's what I'm thinking right at this moment. I'm not actually sure why people think people with ASDs have trust issues anyway. Communication issues, definitely.



Zen
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08 Jan 2011, 1:33 am

I hadn't been in any kind of relationship when I was 18 either. But I'm in a long-term one now. I'm not saying it isn't work and there aren't rough times, but that's true for everyone. Don't talk yourself into (or let a web site talk you into) believing it won't ever happen. Plenty of people with AS are able to have relationships. We may be slower to get to them than most people, but it's not impossible.

As for the hug thing... Personally, I hate it when random people I don't know that well try to hug me. But it's totally different if it's someone I care about.



ryanms92
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08 Jan 2011, 1:45 am

jamesongerbil wrote:
Wow, I used to think I was good at socializing, too. Ha!
Don't listen to that website, it got several things wrong. Maybe you should get some confidence, take the plunge and ask her out? If she says no, which may be the worst thing that could happen (don't forget to catch her alone, in case you didn't know) there are other girls out there. Maybe you'll meet a really nice girl some day, where you'll both have the same interests (not that I'm saying that girl and you don't have the same interests.) Besides, you're only 18. Many people don't date until their in college, and they aren't on the spectrum.
Second, there is no proof that people with Asperger's or Autism have an oxycotin deficit. I was researching it last night. And, I don't see any people with Autism or Aspergers having trust issues beyond conditioned trust issues and effects produced by hostile sensory conditions. It's not emotional, until you make it that way! At least, that's what I'm thinking right at this moment. I'm not actually sure why people think people with ASDs have trust issues anyway. Communication issues, definitely.


Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Every once in a while, I go through a dramatic manic depressive phase, but it only lasts for a few hours. My grandmother had bipolar, so I'm guessing I may have some of that. Also, that does kind of help to explain my Asperger's considering that there's sometimes a history of bipolar disorder in people with Asperger's.

Anyways, thanks for that. I'm not exactly sure who compiled that website I linked to, but I really hope they're just pulling stuff out of their ass, because I'll be really depressed if there is some kind of scientific credibility to what they're saying.



ryanms92
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08 Jan 2011, 1:58 am

Zen wrote:
I hadn't been in any kind of relationship when I was 18 either. But I'm in a long-term one now. I'm not saying it isn't work and there aren't rough times, but that's true for everyone. Don't talk yourself into (or let a web site talk you into) believing it won't ever happen. Plenty of people with AS are able to have relationships. We may be slower to get to them than most people, but it's not impossible.

As for the hug thing... Personally, I hate it when random people I don't know that well try to hug me. But it's totally different if it's someone I care about.


I know I shouldn't, but it's hard to not let people's opinions get to you. And in this case, it might not even be an opinion, but a fact. That's the main reason I'm concerned about this, even though I know I shouldn't be. And as for the hug thing, I'm not necessarily comfortable with random hugs either, but certainly neither of us interpret it as "strangulation". On an even more ridiculous note, I saw someone say that Aspies will watch porn and assume that that is how relationships with girls are supposed to be. :roll: Sometimes, I hate the Internet.



Morgana
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08 Jan 2011, 11:49 am

I think you may be having the problem that I´ve had quite often (if I´m interpreting correctly): that is, taking words too literally, and taking them too much to heart! I haven´t read that website, but I assume that when they say something like "people with AS have trouble with hugs", what they REALLY mean is "SOME people with AS MAY have trouble with hugs". Unfortunately, for some reason, people tend to generalize, and then write it up as a fact that applies to many people, whereas it may only apply to some people. I´ve had this experience so often- (interpreting something too literally, and in a "black and white" fashion)- that I know it can really cause heartbreak. Now that I´m older (and more cynical, ha!) I take everything I hear or read with a grain of salt.

So, a word of advice- don´t believe everything you read on the internet! And especially, don´t believe everything you read about AS, even in books; I am convinced that so many people don´t really know much about it, even if they write about it The study of AS is still in its infancy. And it seems like nowadays, any old person can write any old thing, and pass it off as fact. Though maybe that´s my cynicism talking. :twisted:

I wish you a life of fulfilling relationships. :D


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vetwithAS
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08 Jan 2011, 1:08 pm

Stepping back and looking at my life objectively, I can see that while I've not obsessed about a woman, I have at times focused more on one and thus ignored other open doors. It also takes me forever to ask a woman out. As for the hug thing, the only time I don't like it is if you come up behind me and catch me off guard. Then again, I don't like really like being touched in any way under those circumstances. My reactions can vary from simply jumping three feet in the air to some form of defensive move.