Was this an innappropiate thing to say?

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hollowmoon
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18 Jan 2015, 9:13 pm

So, I was shopping with a group of girls for a costume. One girl went to the plus sized section (she is not plus sized). I was trying to be helpful because I thought, maybe, she went there by mistake. I said to her "you are in the plus size section!" she didn't say anything, and I repeated it. She still didn't say anything. Then I just walked away. I just realized that maybe she thought I wasn't being helpful, but calling her fat or something? Did I say something wrong?



PlainsAspie
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18 Jan 2015, 9:28 pm

Yeah, that would probably be considered inappropriate. I don't know what the appropriate thing to say is though.



QuiversWhiskers
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18 Jan 2015, 9:31 pm

When I was a teenager and young adult, I often had difficulty talking loudly enough and with knowing if I was talking loudly enough. There were often times where I'd say things in a group or in a store and think I was ignored, when in reality, they probably didn't hear me.

Other than that, the only thing I can think of is that she knew she was in the plus size section and didn't care to hear about it or maybe she was embarrassed for other shoppers in the plus-size section who might not want that pointed out? But really, I don't think you did anything terribly inappropriate.

I don't see how she might have thought you were calling her fat.



Last edited by QuiversWhiskers on 18 Jan 2015, 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kraftiekortie
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18 Jan 2015, 9:34 pm

It wasn't that bad. You probably should have let her find out for herself, though.



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18 Jan 2015, 9:45 pm

When I was a kid and young adult, I would say something over and over and get louder and louder if the person didn't respond thinking they didn't hear me or weren't paying attention and then they would get mad at me.

I don't know what you did wrong. If she isn't plus size and you pointed that out to her what section she is in, I don't see how it would be offensive and why she would just ignore you.


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BetwixtBetween
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18 Jan 2015, 10:10 pm

You know that stereotype of that woman who takes everything as a comment on her appearance and especially as a comment on her weight? Those women exist.

She probably thought you were mocking her weight. It's probably a sensitive subject for her if she thought she'd find something that would fit her in the plus size section. You probably added to her embarrassment when you repeated yourself, since, if nobody had heard you drawing attention before, they'd probably heard you the second time, looked, and saw her.

So yes, in her mind, and in the minds of many other girls, you said something wrong. I'm not sure how you can fix it beyond saying something to one of your mutual friends like "I was really surprised to see Susy head over there. She's definitely not plus-sized." Maybe just leave it at that. Pick someone she consults with. With any hope they'll pass along your side of the story.



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18 Jan 2015, 10:17 pm

BetwixtBetween wrote:
You know that stereotype of that woman who takes everything as a comment on her appearance and especially as a comment on her weight? Those women exist.

She probably thought you were mocking her weight. It's probably a sensitive subject for her if she thought she'd find something that would fit her in the plus size section. You probably added to her embarrassment when you repeated yourself, since, if nobody had heard you drawing attention before, they'd probably heard you the second time, looked, and saw her.

So yes, in her mind, and in the minds of many other girls, you said something wrong. I'm not sure how you can fix it beyond saying something to one of your mutual friends like "I was really surprised to see Susy head over there. She's definitely not plus-sized." Maybe just leave it at that. Pick someone she consults with. With any hope they'll pass along your side of the story.


I agree.

I think the most appropriate actions would have been either whispering to her that she was in the plus sized section or just not saying anything at all. If you want to make amends, I think you should take the same approach and confront her when she's alone. Maybe say "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you the other day."


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EzraS
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18 Jan 2015, 10:25 pm

I think there's a difference between being inappropriate and simply not being tactful on a fine level.



QuiversWhiskers
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18 Jan 2015, 10:51 pm

OP, I don't think you should worry about it. I used to worry constantly about stuff like this. But I've learned that not every facial expression or action has a meaning, as much as that might offend one's drive to analyze everything.



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18 Jan 2015, 11:46 pm

Just leave it, better to forget about it. I think this is a blunder of theory of mind...in that she could have had many reasons to move to that section. You presumed to know her intent and you tried to manipulate her behaviour based on it. People don't like that.



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19 Jan 2015, 11:51 am

I don't see anything wrong, with what you said.

Here's the way I look at it, if I say / do something that hurts / angers someone, it's up to THEM to tell me----if they DON'T, that's on THEM; I can't read minds.












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androbot01
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19 Jan 2015, 12:40 pm

Campin_Cat wrote:
I don't see anything wrong, with what you said.

Here's the way I look at it, if I say / do something that hurts / angers someone, it's up to THEM to tell me----if they DON'T, that's on THEM; I can't read minds.

Yeah right. People are going to continually point out your flaws. Not. More likely they'll simply stop showing up.



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19 Jan 2015, 2:01 pm

androbot01 wrote:
Campin_Cat wrote:
I don't see anything wrong, with what you said.

Here's the way I look at it, if I say / do something that hurts / angers someone, it's up to THEM to tell me----if they DON'T, that's on THEM; I can't read minds.

Yeah right. People are going to continually point out your flaws. Not. More likely they'll simply stop showing up.



or ignore your calls or make excuses that they are "busy." Very few people will tell you what you did wrong but they may not be specific so they may say things like "You are very argumentative and say hurtful things so I don't wish to continue having contact with you" but they don't really tell you. To me that is too vague and it still doesn't tell me what I did wrong. Instead I would be wondering what I did that got seen that way and analyze every behavior I remember doing.


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Campin_Cat
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19 Jan 2015, 5:20 pm

League_Girl wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
Campin_Cat wrote:
I don't see anything wrong, with what you said.

Here's the way I look at it, if I say / do something that hurts / angers someone, it's up to THEM to tell me----if they DON'T, that's on THEM; I can't read minds.

Yeah right. People are going to continually point out your flaws. Not. More likely they'll simply stop showing up.



or ignore your calls or make excuses that they are "busy." Very few people will tell you what you did wrong but they may not be specific so they may say things like "You are very argumentative and say hurtful things so I don't wish to continue having contact with you" but they don't really tell you. To me that is too vague and it still doesn't tell me what I did wrong. Instead I would be wondering what I did that got seen that way and analyze every behavior I remember doing.


Then, we won't be friends----simple as that!! I'm not going to spend my life "bending" to someone else, constantly----it's give and take. I'm alot older----30 or 40 years ago, I might've put-up with such nonsense; fearing that, if I didn't, I wouldn't have a friend (and since they're so hard to come-by / maintain, for us ASDers); but now I can be more choosey as to whom I befriend, and I would only have friends, that straightforwardly spoke to me. Yeah, they're few-and-far-between, but WAAAAAY more worth it, in the long-run.



Janissy
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19 Jan 2015, 6:08 pm

BetwixtBetween wrote:
You know that stereotype of that woman who takes everything as a comment on her appearance and especially as a comment on her weight? Those women exist.

She probably thought you were mocking her weight. It's probably a sensitive subject for her if she thought she'd find something that would fit her in the plus size section. You probably added to her embarrassment when you repeated yourself, since, if nobody had heard you drawing attention before, they'd probably heard you the second time, looked, and saw her.

So yes, in her mind, and in the minds of many other girls, you said something wrong. I'm not sure how you can fix it beyond saying something to one of your mutual friends like "I was really surprised to see Susy head over there. She's definitely not plus-sized." Maybe just leave it at that. Pick someone she consults with. With any hope they'll pass along your side of the story.


This is the most likely problem and also has what will probably be the most helpful fix.

To say "you are in the plus size section" without some qualifier that you think it's accidental will be taken as a cruel comment. To an NT it doesn't sound like "you must be in the wrong section by accident". It sounds like "you must have recently gained weight and you hid it well but now I know bwhahahahaha". Repeating it (but still with no qualifier that you assumed it was an accident) just makes it sound even crueler.

Hopefully it can be fixed the way BetwixtBetween advises.



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19 Jan 2015, 6:17 pm

I don't think she necessarily thought you were referring to her weight, she might not have paid attention to the signs about sizing and could have felt you thought she was stupid. Or she could have been distracted and hardly noticed what you said.

Really tactful people I know would say something about "that cute costume over here" and redirect a person without ever saying they did anything wrong. Or "I get mixed up all the time, I think our sizes are over here, does this look right to you or am I still lost?". It is peaceful to talk to someone who looks to solve social unease almost before it happens. I know someone so good at this, she makes everyone feel good when she talks to you.

I agree with Ezra, though. Not using every nuance of tactfulness doesn't mean you were inappropriate.