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MasterJedi
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03 Mar 2011, 3:01 pm

when I'm accused of something I didn't do or told that I'm doing something wrong when it's the other party's fault.

We've been having trouble with our mail lately. The substitute postal carrier is putting our mail into someone else's box, her's in ours and so on. We complained but they wrote back stating that we're having our mail delivered to the incorrect address.

I get so angry over this and hot under the collar, I just want to write an angry letter or go over there and start yelling or call and yell.

Tomorrow it won't matter but right now I'm a racecar in the red, I'm gins of the Navarone, I'm a mushroom cloud-laying mofo...


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bucephalus
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03 Mar 2011, 8:36 pm

MasterJedi wrote:
... I'm a mushroom cloud-laying mofo...
Haha, I know how you feel and I don't know how to ignore these situations.


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anbuend
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03 Mar 2011, 8:45 pm

My hot button is being accused of having motivations or feelings behind something I did, that weren't actually there.

Usually when I try to explain what was really there, it only gets worse, with the person accusing me of having weird motivations for doing that. >_<

If I'm not careful, this spirals out of control indefinitely.


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Verdandi
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03 Mar 2011, 8:47 pm

MasterJedi wrote:
when I'm accused of something I didn't do or told that I'm doing something wrong when it's the other party's fault.

We've been having trouble with our mail lately. The substitute postal carrier is putting our mail into someone else's box, her's in ours and so on. We complained but they wrote back stating that we're having our mail delivered to the incorrect address.

I get so angry over this and hot under the collar, I just want to write an angry letter or go over there and start yelling or call and yell.

Tomorrow it won't matter but right now I'm a racecar in the red, I'm gins of the Navarone, I'm a mushroom cloud-laying mofo...


I have written over 10,000 words of letters I have not sent because of a situation where I've been told I was doing something I wasn't doing - and it was down to a fundamental level; emotional, personality, motivations - and the fact that the situation exists at all has put me into a state where I more easily melt down (but meltdowns shut me down, so the worst that happens is I end up doing nothing at all). I haven't been able to let go of it for weeks but I can't work out how to respond to the situation in a manner that will clear things up. When it comes to this one thing, I feel trapped.

I need to do something, though, each time I hit meltdown I get angrier about everything.



anbuend
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03 Mar 2011, 8:50 pm

Verdandi wrote:
MasterJedi wrote:
when I'm accused of something I didn't do or told that I'm doing something wrong when it's the other party's fault.

We've been having trouble with our mail lately. The substitute postal carrier is putting our mail into someone else's box, her's in ours and so on. We complained but they wrote back stating that we're having our mail delivered to the incorrect address.

I get so angry over this and hot under the collar, I just want to write an angry letter or go over there and start yelling or call and yell.

Tomorrow it won't matter but right now I'm a racecar in the red, I'm gins of the Navarone, I'm a mushroom cloud-laying mofo...


I have written over 10,000 words of letters I have not sent because of a situation where I've been told I was doing something I wasn't doing - and it was down to a fundamental level; emotional, personality, motivations - and the fact that the situation exists at all has put me into a state where I more easily melt down (but meltdowns shut me down, so the worst that happens is I end up doing nothing at all). I haven't been able to let go of it for weeks but I can't work out how to respond to the situation in a manner that will clear things up. When it comes to this one thing, I feel trapped.

I need to do something, though, each time I hit meltdown I get angrier about everything.


I don't know what advice to give, but I've been there before. That's exactly the sort of thing that sets me off onto an endless cycle of explaining, believing that if I'm just clear enough about my real motivations, then the person will finally understand and believe me. It's taken me awhile to learn that not everyone wants to understand.


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Verdandi
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03 Mar 2011, 8:59 pm

anbuend wrote:
My hot button is being accused of having motivations or feelings behind something I did, that weren't actually there.

Usually when I try to explain what was really there, it only gets worse, with the person accusing me of having weird motivations for doing that. >_<

If I'm not careful, this spirals out of control indefinitely.


This is the same thing that happened to me in the post you quoted. I apologized for snapping at someone, she suggested I was being defensive for apologizing to her, I explained why I apologized, at which point that proved I was defensive and acting as if I were subordinate to her, apparently, and then this exchange (and two other occasions when I apologized for something) were used to justify assumptions about every aspect of my cognition and personality. Assumptions that are the opposite of who I am in just about every particular.

This is a huge hot button for me in general, to the point that being accused of lying can ruin my day, and is one of the few things I will openly lose my temper about, rather than turn it inward.

Anbuend wrote:
I don't know what advice to give, but I've been there before. That's exactly the sort of thing that sets me off onto an endless cycle of explaining, believing that if I'm just clear enough about my real motivations, then the person will finally understand and believe me. It's taken me awhile to learn that not everyone wants to understand.


Yes, exactly. This is what I've been trying to avoid - this endless cycle of explanations that I think, no matter how clear I am, will simply be used to further justify how I am basically a horrible person.

With these people, I think they care more about being right than correct, and that I really should not value their company if they need to force me to fit into their ideas of who they think I am.

And yeah, it takes me awhile to work out that not everyone wants to understand, and it's easy for me to forget because emotionally I hate this kind of situation so much.



anbuend
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03 Mar 2011, 9:10 pm

Verdandi wrote:
This is the same thing that happened to me in the post you quoted. I apologized for snapping at someone, she suggested I was being defensive for apologizing to her, I explained why I apologized, at which point that proved I was defensive and acting as if I were subordinate to her, apparently, and then this exchange (and two other occasions when I apologized for something) were used to justify assumptions about every aspect of my cognition and personality. Assumptions that are the opposite of who I am in just about every particular.


You know... that "defensiveness" accusation. I've heard that before when I (calmly, at first, thinking it's just a misunderstanding) try to explain why I actually did something. I once had a really nasty spiral where I just kept explaining "No no no that isn't me, this is me, please please just stop giving me motivations I don't have", and the person kept calling me defensive, and then actually called me aggressive or like I was attacking him in some way. It was a really disturbing interaction.

I don't get how apologizing is defensive. It seems rather the opposite. It seems like admitting you did something wrong. How can admitting you did something wrong be defensive? Gah... now I'm like feeling how I would feel if I were interacting with that person, and it isn't good. It's just so easy to imagine since I have the same issue when people do that to me.

Quote:
This is a huge hot button for me in general, to the point that being accused of lying can ruin my day, and is one of the few things I will openly lose my temper about, rather than turn it inward.


Yeah, same here. I've also (after getting through losing my temper) ended up just sitting there shaking and crying from interactions like that. And I don't cry often.

And it seems to me like there's almost a type of person who clashes with me interaction-wise in this way, but for the life of me I don't know what attributes these people have in common to make them behave like that.


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