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RonWren
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12 Aug 2011, 8:50 pm

Out of all my siblings, I show the most respect towards my parents. When it's time to go to bed, the others will complain and whine, and I'll go to my room quietly to sleep. When we wake up, it's the same thing. They make it hell for the parents, I make it easy. They make icky faces at food they don't like, I'll suck it up and eat it. I'll clean my room, the other rooms, the gutters, mow all 5 acres of our yard, and every other chore if that's what they ask of me. I ask for only one thing from them. Just one. They can deny me EVERYTHING else, but all I need to be happy, is my Japanese immersion environment (It's an interest/form of comfort that's crucial to my life style) And yet, after all I do, after all my obedience and loyalty, I am not allowed to be upset when that is taken away? I can't be mad when my Japanese studies are suspended? The one thing I work for, and value so much is gone, and they expect me to sit there and just take it? I say no! I'm good and reasonable almost all the time, but when my anchor point, when my reason to be, when my soul is taken from me, I can not be expected to be the good little boy that I want to be.

It's kind of like this:

All my siblings are given many privileges, and work for few, if not none of them.

I work my butt off for just ONE thing, and then don't get it.

Anyway, here's what happened that made me wright this. We're eating dinner, my sister is banging her head on the table, and is texting. The other kids are loud, have their elbows on the table. Everyone is breaking rules and being bad as usual and getting away with it. I'm sitting quietly, being a good little boy, obeying all the rules. I think that after this good behavior (which I display all the time) I've earned the small prize of having Japanese music accompany while I eat. So I slip on my headphones, and listen away. I've earned it right? I'm doing everything else right, so I can deviate a little bit right here, right? No one's really talking to me anyway, and I'm only breaking one little rule here, while obeying the rest, so it's okay, right? NOT TO THEM APPARENTLY. Because my headphones are pulled right off and tossed across the table! really!? Did they forget how good I usually am!? It seems like everyone else gets to be as bratty as they want, but when I try to get away with one tiny little thing that doesn't even hurt anyone, it's oh so wrong! Are they just used to everyone else being bad, and me being (excuse my lack of a better term) almost perfect? Does anyone else see that as unfair, or is it just me?



Ashuahhe
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12 Aug 2011, 9:09 pm

RonWren wrote:
All my siblings are given many privileges, and work for few, if not none of them.


I got the same treatment from my parents, I think this is common among aspies



cozysweater
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12 Aug 2011, 9:11 pm

You broke a rule (and admit you broke a rule) and were punished. It doesn't really matter what your siblings can or can't get away with. It sucks, but there ya go.



Chronos
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12 Aug 2011, 10:15 pm

RonWren wrote:
Out of all my siblings, I show the most respect towards my parents. When it's time to go to bed, the others will complain and whine, and I'll go to my room quietly to sleep. When we wake up, it's the same thing. They make it hell for the parents, I make it easy. They make icky faces at food they don't like, I'll suck it up and eat it. I'll clean my room, the other rooms, the gutters, mow all 5 acres of our yard, and every other chore if that's what they ask of me. I ask for only one thing from them. Just one. They can deny me EVERYTHING else, but all I need to be happy, is my Japanese immersion environment (It's an interest/form of comfort that's crucial to my life style) And yet, after all I do, after all my obedience and loyalty, I am not allowed to be upset when that is taken away? I can't be mad when my Japanese studies are suspended? The one thing I work for, and value so much is gone, and they expect me to sit there and just take it? I say no! I'm good and reasonable almost all the time, but when my anchor point, when my reason to be, when my soul is taken from me, I can not be expected to be the good little boy that I want to be.

It's kind of like this:

All my siblings are given many privileges, and work for few, if not none of them.

I work my butt off for just ONE thing, and then don't get it.


Congratulations. You've just discovered one of the curious counterintuitive human behavioral traits. After a particular point, the more you do for people, the more they take you for granted, the less they acknowledge things you do for them and the less they are willing to do for you.

Not only that, they become more upset when you eventually do assert yourself.

Call them on it. Point out the rules aren't consistently enforced and in the future, be a little less generous and a and a little more selfish and a little less altruistic. The goal is not to become a horrible, selfish person...don't over do it. It's just to define and enforce your boundaries for others and let them know you expect a certain level of respect.



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12 Aug 2011, 11:00 pm

Sounds like a pretty typical issue that obviously sucks...


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Buck-oh
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12 Aug 2011, 11:26 pm

Chronos wrote:
Call them on it. Point out the rules aren't consistently enforced and in the future, be a little less generous and a and a little more selfish and a little less altruistic. The goal is not to become a horrible, selfish person...don't over do it. It's just to define and enforce your boundaries for others and let them know you expect a certain level of respect.


Setting your boundaries isn't selfish, and what you wrote is excellent advice.

I kind of understand the parents' point of view. "Communication" is the big buzz word for effective parenting, so they don't feel like they're doing their job if they're allowing the OP to tune everyone out. But I come from a family that had no planned meal times (everyone ate when they wanted to, and we rarely had a meal together as a family), no set bedtime (we went to bed when we were tired), and everything turned out ok. The most comfortable time for my sister and I to discuss things with my parents were when they came home from work, and they actually took the time to communicate with us then. No forced or scheduled communication necessary. It all happened organically on our own terms.

The OPs parents are behaving the way they believe good or responsible parents are told to behave. But every family is different, and one-size-fits-all approaches to families doesn't address members as individuals. Tell them that you find peace in listening to your tapes while you're eating, and that maybe they should look at a different time or different environment that is more comfortable for communication. Stress and food are not good combinations.



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12 Aug 2011, 11:47 pm

Sounds like discrimination. I would call them out on it like Chronos said.



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13 Aug 2011, 1:03 am

It's good to know that I'm not the only aspie that seems to go against the stereotype of being a spoiled bratty kid.


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Namazu
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13 Aug 2011, 1:44 am

You were singled out because you are the good boy. If you break a rule they will take immediate notice, because it isn't something they expect from you. Believe or not your good behaviour DOES get noticed. I'm sorry that they overreacted; but you're the example setter for your siblings. It's not fair and parents can get pretty weird; but look at it in this light, they expect good behaviour from you because you don't typically disappoint them. In a way you should be proud. Out of all the kids they see you as the more mature and dependable. They have come to trust that you will behave at certain level of maturity and it threw them off when you broke a rule. It was probably shock that made them react in such a severe fashion.

Don't worry about it too much. You sound like a good kid and I'm sure things will work out if you bring your concerns to them in a mature and civil manner. If they tell you no, don't blow-up. If they see you handle it like a man, they will respect you for it. Parents just get froggy when their kids defy them. Don't take it too personally, it's hardwired into their DNA. :wink:


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