How do you deal with clingy/needy people?

Page 1 of 3 [ 37 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Surfman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Aug 2010
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,938
Location: Homeward bound

23 Sep 2011, 6:24 pm

I spot it very quicky

and firmly indicate in a round a bout way that our relating will not take on this dynamic

translated

I turn a cold shoulder to them



Mdyar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 May 2009
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,516

23 Sep 2011, 8:55 pm

syrella wrote:
OK, so maybe this is a problem that is uniquely my own, but I seem to attract a lot of people who feel the need to latch onto me emotionally.

As a general rule, the people around me tend to get exponentially more attached to me than I get to them. This happens in romance and also in friendships. For example, I knew a girl once who wouldn't stop calling me on the phone. I got home one day and found that she had left me two or three messages. Instead of feeling happy that I'd finally gotten a friend, I just felt weird-ed out and alienated. Later on, there were other people who would only tell me about their problems and how horrible their life is. I get very tired out listening to it all. The other effect is that it causes me to withdraw even more from the social world in order to protect myself.

On one hand, maybe I should be happy that people "like" me. On the other hand, I recognize it's not a true friendship. There is no mutual sharing of feelings or interests. It is all one-sided, at the cost of my emotional well-being. Usually these types of "friendships" don't last very long, so I'm glad about that. Yet even after a lifetime of dealing with this, I still don't really understand why this happens or how to prevent it. I never see it coming.

Does anyone else deal with this? If so, how do you cope? How do you avoid getting taken advantage of emotionally?


Generally after several rounds of my systemizing or working out their problems, they see I'm not an outlet for emotional support. This ends this. They can sense my undemonstrative side, and boom. We can go around with things that can tried for a remedy, and boom.

Generally, I don't get this unless there is something wrong in the head on other end. I can tell this pretty quick, with my spidy sense. Anyone else wouldn't bother, I would think, to come back again and again. In fact, someone healthy would have 'a sense' to not to do this to someone-- to have the sense to not be a burden-- me thinks.

I'm not suggesting that such ones are ill, per say, but maybe in a certain manner due to abusive backgrounds or hard knocks. I'm a bit undemonstrative, and I think my shoulder appears unavailable.

My wife once encountered a man who was bipolar at a campground, and he wouldn't shut up. I went over to bail her out, because it seemed to drag. We felt sorry for him and listened and listened and listened, and eventually gave our phone # if he had to vent. Later when home, he called, and I was short on the phone. It seemed nobody would listen to him at home, as he still lived with his parents due to this disabilty, but there was nothing practical I could do for him.

If I had the power I would reach into his brain and extract bipolar out, but short of that a line has to be drawn.



Last edited by Mdyar on 24 Sep 2011, 6:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

23 Sep 2011, 10:23 pm

Mdyar wrote:
syrella wrote:
OK, so maybe this is a problem that is uniquely my own, but I seem to attract a lot of people who feel the need to latch onto me emotionally.

As a general rule, the people around me tend to get exponentially more attached to me than I get to them. This happens in romance and also in friendships. For example, I knew a girl once who wouldn't stop calling me on the phone. I got home one day and found that she had left me two or three messages. Instead of feeling happy that I'd finally gotten a friend, I just felt weird-ed out and alienated. Later on, there were other people who would only tell me about their problems and how horrible their life is. I get very tired out listening to it all. The other effect is that it causes me to withdraw even more from the social world in order to protect myself.

On one hand, maybe I should be happy that people "like" me. On the other hand, I recognize it's not a true friendship. There is no mutual sharing of feelings or interests. It is all one-sided, at the cost of my emotional well-being. Usually these types of "friendships" don't last very long, so I'm glad about that. Yet even after a lifetime of dealing with this, I still don't really understand why this happens or how to prevent it. I never see it coming.

Does anyone else deal with this? If so, how do you cope? How do you avoid getting taken advantage of emotionally?


Generally after several rounds of my systemizing or working out their problems, they see I'm not an outlet for emotional support. This ends this. They can sense my undemstronstrative side, and boom. We can go around with things that can tried for a remedy, and boom.

Generally, I don't get this unless there is something wrong in the head on other end. I can this tell pretty quick, with my spidy sense. Anyone else wouldn't bother, I would think, to come back again and again. In fact, someone healthy would have 'a sense' to not to do this to someone-- to have the sense to not be a burden-- me thinks.

I'm not suggesting that such ones are ill, per say, but maybe in a certain manner due abusive backgrounds or hard knocks. I'm a bit undemostrative, and I think my shoulder appears unavailable.

My wife once encountered a man who was bipolar at a campground, and he wouldn't shut up. I went over to bail her out, because it seemed to drag. We felt sorry for him and listened and listened and listened, and eventually gave our phone # if he had to vent. Later when home, he called, and I was short on the phone. It seemed nobody would listen to him at home, as he still lived with his parents due to this disabilty, but there was nothing practical I could do for him.

If I had the power I would reach into his brain and extract bipolar out, but short of that a line has to be drawn.

That's a good point. My usual method of helping people is to go in to "fix it" mode. I do my best to offer solutions and suggestions. If something is wrong in my life, I usually look for advice. Though, of course, there are people out there who simply like to vent. I didn't understand that for awhile. Needless to say, I start to get annoyed when they consistently ignore advice and continue doing the same silly stuff that got them in trouble in the first place.

Sometimes, though, I think you're right-- the person does have something larger the matter with them. It's not just a question of them "snapping out of it" or them taking the right advice. That's when it gets kind of tricky. I want to help, but I've also recognized that it's not my place to fix or help everyone. I might suggest they go in for therapy or counseling or something. Or, if need be, run for the hills.


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


viera
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 14 Sep 2011
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 46

24 Sep 2011, 12:26 am

I run from clingy people. I shut myself off from the outside world fairly regularly and clingy people are the worst.



syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

24 Sep 2011, 1:34 am

viera wrote:
I run from clingy people. I shut myself off from the outside world fairly regularly and clingy people are the worst.

Yeah, they are no fun...

Also, wow!! The dog in your avatar looks just like my old white German Shepherd! They are such pretty dogs. :)


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


Burnbridge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 971
Location: Columbus, Ohio

24 Sep 2011, 6:59 am

Mdyar wrote:
My wife once encountered a man who was bipolar at a campground, and he wouldn't shut up. I went over to bail her out, because it seemed to drag. We felt sorry for him and listened and listened and listened, and eventually gave our phone # if he had to vent.[...] but there was nothing practical I could do for him.

If I had the power I would reach into his brain and extract bipolar out, but short of that a line has to be drawn.


Oh, I am an electromagnet for bipoles, for a certainty. Luckily(?) I seem to have a vast well of patience, and rather than trying to give them a quick fix with a few words, I see these conversations more like gardening: Plant some seeds, pull some weeds. Certainly, more weeds will sprout up, and perhaps choke out the sprouts the spring up from those seeds.

I have known some wonderful bipolar people (& schizophrenics) who are completely shut out of society, homeless and destitute and clearly insane ... but not lucky enough to have family to take care of them; the state (USA) doesn't take care of them; and they are quite skilled at upsetting or annoying everyone around them. So they end up getting pushed out of every place, unable to plant roots and having to travel every week or so.

It makes me sad. So I'd rather sit and chat and listen to the inevitable nonsense, rather than participate in a cycle of willful ignorance, exclusion and exile. Sure, their personal problems are not mine, and I can't empathize well enough to "read between the lines," but I don't need to pretend that I'm better than them just because I can socially integrate with (just) a hair more panache.

Someone needs to talk to them. And since I don't empathize very well, perhaps that's what keeps me from being personally offended? I can listen to the madness and look for patterns it the maelstrom. The trick really, the trick of it is to not offer advice. Just make observations and compare them with your own experiences. Let them draw their own conclusions from that. That is "planting seeds."

When you offer answers and advice, you open the door to letting someone be dependent on you as a decision maker. When you just share your own experiences you can be safe from that expectation, especially if you can pepper you speech with appropriate "back doors" like maybe it's different for you.. and what worked for me was.... Instead of you should do _____


_________________
No dx yet ... AS=171/200,NT=13/200 ... EQ=9/SQ=128 ... AQ=39 ... MB=IntJ


auntblabby
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 113,605
Location: the island of defective toy santas

24 Sep 2011, 7:14 am

the golden rule says i have to love them. so on the relatively rare times where i've encountered a needy person that wasn't immediately creeped out by me, i've tried my best to make them feel loved and valued. i found at those few occasions that this was sufficient to make them feel safe enough to re-establish their emotional independence. i have been needy so i know how much it hurts to be rejected in one's time of need when one needs another friendly person to feel like a human being.



Mdyar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 May 2009
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,516

24 Sep 2011, 8:22 am

Burnbridge wrote:
Mdyar wrote:
My wife once encountered a man who was bipolar at a campground, and he wouldn't shut up. I went over to bail her out, because it seemed to drag. We felt sorry for him and listened and listened and listened, and eventually gave our phone # if he had to vent.[...] but there was nothing practical I could do for him.

If I had the power I would reach into his brain and extract bipolar out, but short of that a line has to be drawn.


Oh, I am an electromagnet for bipoles, for a certainty. Luckily(?) I seem to have a vast well of patience, and rather than trying to give them a quick fix with a few words, I see these conversations more like gardening: Plant some seeds, pull some weeds. Certainly, more weeds will sprout up, and perhaps choke out the sprouts the spring up from those seeds.

I have known some wonderful bipolar people (& schizophrenics) who are completely shut out of society, homeless and destitute and clearly insane ... but not lucky enough to have family to take care of them; the state (USA) doesn't take care of them; and they are quite skilled at upsetting or annoying everyone around them. So they end up getting pushed out of every place, unable to plant roots and having to travel every week or so.

It makes me sad. So I'd rather sit and chat and listen to the inevitable nonsense, rather than participate in a cycle of willful ignorance, exclusion and exile. Sure, their personal problems are not mine, and I can't empathize well enough to "read between the lines," but I don't need to pretend that I'm better than them just because I can socially integrate with (just) a hair more panache.

Someone needs to talk to them. And since I don't empathize very well, perhaps that's what keeps me from being personally offended? I can listen to the madness and look for patterns it the maelstrom. The trick really, the trick of it is to not offer advice. Just make observations and compare them with your own experiences. Let them draw their own conclusions from that. That is "planting seeds."

When you offer answers and advice, you open the door to letting someone be dependent on you as a decision maker. When you just share your own experiences you can be safe from that expectation, especially if you can pepper you speech with appropriate "back doors" like maybe it's different for you.. and what worked for me was.... Instead of you should do _____


I had a friend who was bipolar, he was 10+ on me, and was quite interesting.

We went to ball games and he'd interject baseball facts to people nearby. I'd cringe expecting a look from them, but they enjoyed the trivia it seems. From a personal observation it's a very serious condition and is acutely socially disabling. He is still single and work was always marginal, as even these relationships are strained. I recall his other friend would hang up the phone on him, at times, as it could get out of hand. The boundary was exceeded. I remember once I lost it a bit, with my tone, and he knew the edge of my limit. I gave him money , and my gesture was nit picked about something detailed. At times there seems to be a great difficulty in discerning the Forrest for the trees.

He was pretty sharp in the head, he'd give PPR a run with the political discussions. He was the only one to ceiling a supervised IQ test, when he was tested for employment at that agency.



Last edited by Mdyar on 26 Sep 2011, 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

24 Sep 2011, 10:46 am

Burnbridge wrote:
Mdyar wrote:
My wife once encountered a man who was bipolar at a campground, and he wouldn't shut up. I went over to bail her out, because it seemed to drag. We felt sorry for him and listened and listened and listened, and eventually gave our phone # if he had to vent.[...] but there was nothing practical I could do for him.

If I had the power I would reach into his brain and extract bipolar out, but short of that a line has to be drawn.


Oh, I am an electromagnet for bipoles, for a certainty. Luckily(?) I seem to have a vast well of patience, and rather than trying to give them a quick fix with a few words, I see these conversations more like gardening: Plant some seeds, pull some weeds. Certainly, more weeds will sprout up, and perhaps choke out the sprouts the spring up from those seeds.

I have known some wonderful bipolar people (& schizophrenics) who are completely shut out of society, homeless and destitute and clearly insane ... but not lucky enough to have family to take care of them; the state (USA) doesn't take care of them; and they are quite skilled at upsetting or annoying everyone around them. So they end up getting pushed out of every place, unable to plant roots and having to travel every week or so.

It makes me sad. So I'd rather sit and chat and listen to the inevitable nonsense, rather than participate in a cycle of willful ignorance, exclusion and exile. Sure, their personal problems are not mine, and I can't empathize well enough to "read between the lines," but I don't need to pretend that I'm better than them just because I can socially integrate with (just) a hair more panache.

Someone needs to talk to them. And since I don't empathize very well, perhaps that's what keeps me from being personally offended? I can listen to the madness and look for patterns it the maelstrom. The trick really, the trick of it is to not offer advice. Just make observations and compare them with your own experiences. Let them draw their own conclusions from that. That is "planting seeds."

When you offer answers and advice, you open the door to letting someone be dependent on you as a decision maker. When you just share your own experiences you can be safe from that expectation, especially if you can pepper you speech with appropriate "back doors" like maybe it's different for you.. and what worked for me was.... Instead of you should do _____

Yeah, that is precisely where I always fail. I have trouble just listening to people's problems in a detached manner. Listening to their problems starts causing me distress. And the way that I deal with it is to try to make the problem go away, which is usually through advice. Otherwise, I have very little to say to them except the obvious platitudes and cookie-cutter phrases... and those always seem so "fake" to me, even though I say them in a genuine manner. It took me a long time to even understand that people are not always looking for a solution each time they rant or complain. I'm starting to recognize that now, though. I actually tested out "just listening" with a few people and they seemed to really appreciate it. It's one of those skills that don't come naturally to me, but I can see its value.

Actually, my mom has bipolar disorder. She cycles between mania and depression. When she's down, she'll disappear into her bedroom for days. She doesn't eat and just wants to be left alone. When she's well again, it's like she has all the energy in the world. She's a watercolorist and definitely fits the eccentric artist profile. I think she's an amazing person in many regards, but it's been difficult to live with her mood swings. I don't like seeing her go through all of her difficulties, but there really isn't much I can do to help. She isn't homeless like the people you describe, but she probably would be had she not had her family around for support. There's no way that she could have maintained a normal career. Maybe one day they'll figure out how to treat these kinds of disorders so that the people who have them don't have to suffer so much.


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


Burnbridge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 971
Location: Columbus, Ohio

24 Sep 2011, 7:31 pm

I don't believe it such a matter of "treating those problems" so much as it is "accepting those people."

Bipolar people are capable of phenomenal accomplishments, as well as disastrous failures. The same could be said about 'spergs.

The main obstacle towards accepting the differently-brained seems to be xenophobia: What is different, is evil.

Add to that the ignorance and apathy block: "why should i learn about ret*ds and insane people? not my concern."

Syrella, with "just listening," you might want to try a technique called "active listening." This is where you simply parrot back what a person says, in other words. No empathy required. You summarize their last statement. It is surprising what people reveal when they feel that they are actually being listened to.

Being heard is very empowering to the speaker. Oftentimes they come up with their own good advice, given the opportunity.



134340
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2010
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 36

26 Sep 2011, 4:30 pm

syrella wrote:
Yeah, that is precisely where I always fail. I have trouble just listening to people's problems in a detached manner. Listening to their problems starts causing me distress. And the way that I deal with it is to try to make the problem go away, which is usually through advice. Otherwise, I have very little to say to them except the obvious platitudes and cookie-cutter phrases... and those always seem so "fake" to me, even though I say them in a genuine manner. It took me a long time to even understand that people are not always looking for a solution each time they rant or complain. I'm starting to recognize that now, though. I actually tested out "just listening" with a few people and they seemed to really appreciate it. It's one of those skills that don't come naturally to me, but I can see its value..


This is exactly my experience.


Most of my exes became stalkers after we broke up. Funnily enough the people that become the most needy towards me are the seemingly detached and less emotional.



syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

26 Sep 2011, 8:18 pm

134340 wrote:
syrella wrote:
Yeah, that is precisely where I always fail. I have trouble just listening to people's problems in a detached manner. Listening to their problems starts causing me distress. And the way that I deal with it is to try to make the problem go away, which is usually through advice. Otherwise, I have very little to say to them except the obvious platitudes and cookie-cutter phrases... and those always seem so "fake" to me, even though I say them in a genuine manner. It took me a long time to even understand that people are not always looking for a solution each time they rant or complain. I'm starting to recognize that now, though. I actually tested out "just listening" with a few people and they seemed to really appreciate it. It's one of those skills that don't come naturally to me, but I can see its value..


This is exactly my experience.


Most of my exes became stalkers after we broke up. Funnily enough the people that become the most needy towards me are the seemingly detached and less emotional.

Yeah, that's happened with me too. One of my exes kept calling me and sending emails, sometimes at very odd hours. I wouldn't say he was a stalker, per say, but he had a lot more trouble letting go than I did.


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


Clair
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 12 Jul 2015
Age: 42
Posts: 1
Location: England

12 Jul 2015, 9:39 am

I feel for you. I am in a similar situation myself at the moment whereby somebody I volunteer with keeps trying to be in my life. It's like he is some kind of lunatic crazed stalker saying "be my friend" ,"if you don't I will cry all night and it will be your fault". I know this probably doesn't help you with your unwanted friendship, but if it wasn't for the work connection I would have told him to F*** himself. I don't want to have to go down the route of telling him I have asperger's and explaining how it affects me and my friendships because that is personal to me. People like that will suck you dry and then move on to the next host, ignore as best you can, and don't let them engage you in conversation, lie if you have to, and if it gets too much, tell someone you trust and see if they can help sort it out.



tombo12boar
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2014
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 70

12 Jul 2015, 10:01 am

My ex partner and I used to live near a petting zoo which we took our kids to a lot, and there was a man working there, either bipolar or schizophrenic who just used to babble at everyone, random, difficult to follow speech. My ex knew him before I did and the first time I saw him, he trapped my ex long ramble while I watched the kids. Although I didn't know she was trapped. After she got away she said to me "I wish you had rescued me from that and told him we had to go." I felt really bad and ashamed. To me it had looked like she just bumped into a friend and if I rushed her away I would be the typical abusive isolating aspie BF. I wish I was better at seeing situations.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,439
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

12 Jul 2015, 10:17 am

TwistedReflection wrote:
I drop them like a tonne of bricks and run like hell; I've got my own mental/emotional baggage to deal with, why would I want to burden myself with somebody else's? I hated being the proverbial "shoulder to cry on" :roll: .


Then I hope you don't expect anyone to ever be a proverbial shoulder to cry on for you to each their own but i hate when people say things like this and then next thing you know they want a shoulder to cry on....people go two ways 'I am struggling so I will avoid anyone else who is like the plague even if its just they are a little sad lest I be dragged down.' or the 'I am struggling, I want to help other people who are'....I wonder what causes the difference. Though for the last one you still want to be careful not to help others to your detriment like forgetting your own needs, but for the first you could end up like a real grinch who is terrified of engaging with anyone due to the chance they might feel something other than disdain...or might even find themselves feeling emotionally 'obligated' to other people they form bonds with.


_________________
We won't go back.


Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2008
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,750
Location: Stendec

12 Jul 2015, 10:49 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
TwistedReflection wrote:
I drop them like a tonne of bricks and run like hell; I've got my own mental/emotional baggage to deal with, why would I want to burden myself with somebody else's? I hated being the proverbial "shoulder to cry on".
Then I hope you don't expect anyone to ever be a proverbial shoulder to cry on for you...
While I cannot speak for Ms. Leaf, I have to ask "Where do you think that people learn this behavior?" It isn't as if we invented this aversion to clingy, needy people just for our own amusement; instead, it was being told to "grow up", "go away", and "just deal with it" whenever I needed help that taught me that needy people are burdens that should neither be entertained nor tolerated.

Had I been taught that my troubles were important to others, maybe I would have learned to be more charitable, as well.