Is Aspergers an excuse for bad behavior?

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Should AS be an excuse for bad behavior?
Yes 10%  10%  [ 27 ]
Yes 11%  11%  [ 29 ]
no 36%  36%  [ 98 ]
no 44%  44%  [ 120 ]
Total votes : 274

pokerface
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06 Jul 2013, 12:33 pm

I think the behaviour of aspies is not necessarily worse than that of the average NT. On the contrary! I really wonder why so many aspies are accused of bad behaviour whilst NT's regularly show that they are bad mannered, intolerant (especially towards) everyone they perceive as different) and show a total lack of empathy themselves.

What most NT's can't handle is the total honesty and lack of hypocrisy of a lot of aspies. The average NT person expects that your behaviour towards him or her is friendly and nice. Eventhough they know in the back of their minds that you really dislike them or feel indifferent towards them, and therefore couldn't care less if they would drop dead on the spot. Unfortanetely aspies need to master the "arts" of hypocrisy and behavioral fakery. NT's are shocked when you reveal your true feelings without holding anything back. I have seen a lot of NT's at their worst behaviour which means that I don't have very warm feelings for people in general. I am slowly learning to disguise that unfortunate fact but I seriously doubt if that will make me a better person in the end.



Last edited by pokerface on 06 Jul 2013, 1:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

League_Girl
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06 Jul 2013, 12:54 pm

daydreamer84 wrote:
^^^
Well, League Girl is probably right about what it implies in every day discourse but the technical definition of an excuse is any explanation for something that lessons fault or offense. So, even if you didn't realize you were being rude to someone but someone was offended and didn't want to talk to you anymore because of it and you explained to yourself or to someone else: "I'm not a terrible person who's just rude, I have autism and therefore have limited social understanding so I accidentally offend people" that is your excuse for causing offense. It is a GOOD excuse, for sure, but an excuse. It's an explanation that lessens your fault in the matter. If you tell someone that it's snowing and not raining because when rain freezes it falls from the clouds as snow and snow is just frozen rain, that is an explanation and not an excuse. The explanation about the weather doesn't serve the purpose of lessening fault or offense because no one would blame you for the weather in the first place. It's simply giving a reason for something.

I guess the word excuse has just been stigmatized but is shouldn't be because there are good excuses and bad excuses and okay but not great excuses. Some explanations do lessen a person's fault in certain matters and that's the way it should be. I wouldn't want to live in a world where all of your actions or in-actions were considered your fault regardless of the reason behind them. Then if , for example, someone got in a car accident (the other car's fault) and had a concussion so had to go to the hospital and was therefore late for work it would be held against them.



Have you noticed when people say things like "Excuses excuses excuses" or "That is no excuse" "I don't want to hear any excuses" "oh that is just an excuse" it's always about that person lying or having some BS story or trying to avoid responsibility, or trying to get their way out of something, or trying to find a reason to do something such as playing loud music so they try and make it justified by trying to come up with some bogus reason, or how abusers will find justification for their abuse they did to their child, or how a bully will do the same for why they bullied you and not admit they were wrong and take no responsibility for it, etc?

That is why we don't use the word excuse when that is not what we're doing. Excuse is always a negative thing when people use it so when people say you are using your AS as an excuse, it's an insult if that is not what you were doing because they are implying you did it on purpose or trying to avoid responsibility so people take offense to it when they get told they are using their disability as an excuse or problem they have or issue.


By the way you can still be blamed for being late to work and not buy that "excuse" for the weather being bad because you should have left early for work instead of at your normal time. They expect you to be responsible and reliable by leaving early for work if the weather is bad so therefore they would call it an excuse and say "that is no excuse" and think it was just an excuse for you being late to work.


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daydreamer84
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06 Jul 2013, 1:07 pm

^^^
I know that people use it that way, "excuses, excuses, excuses". That;'s the stigma. I'm just saying that there are good excuses. So bad weather is a bad excuse for being late for work but getting in a car accident and having two broken legs and a concussion and being in the hospital because of it is a good excuse for not coming in to work. It's still technically an excuse because it's an explanation that lessens how much you're at fault for being late for work.



Joe90
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06 Jul 2013, 1:46 pm

No. It's a bit like having a cold and coughing and sneezing literally over people and saying, ''I can cough and sneeze everywhere all I want, I have a cold.'' You still have to have some respect, like using a tissue or coughing or sneezing into your hand then washing your hands more regularly, if you can help it. But if you say ''I have a cold so this is why I keep coughing and sneezing'' is acceptable. (Well you don't have to literally say it in those words but you know what I mean).

Whenever I'm bad, I never say ''I have Asperger's, I can act like that when I want.'' That is just being disrespectful.

Using AS as a reason for some non-typical behaviour is OK because it's being open and honest. But I never use it as an excuse.


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pokerface
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06 Jul 2013, 1:49 pm

Joe90 wrote:
No. It's a bit like having a cold and coughing and sneezing literally over people and saying, ''I can cough and sneeze everywhere all I want, I have a cold.'' You still have to have some respect, like using a tissue or coughing or sneezing into your hand then washing your hands more regularly, if you can help it. But if you say ''I have a cold so this is why I keep coughing and sneezing'' is acceptable. (Well you don't have to literally say it in those words but you know what I mean).

Whenever I'm bad, I never say ''I have Asperger's, I can act like that when I want.'' That is just being disrespectful.

Using AS as a reason for some non-typical behaviour is OK because it's being open and honest. But I never use it as an excuse.


What is the excuse of NT's for their misbehaviour?



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06 Jul 2013, 8:10 pm

daydreamer84 wrote:
^^^
I know that people use it that way, "excuses, excuses, excuses". That;'s the stigma. I'm just saying that there are good excuses. So bad weather is a bad excuse for being late for work but getting in a car accident and having two broken legs and a concussion and being in the hospital because of it is a good excuse for not coming in to work. It's still technically an excuse because it's an explanation that lessens how much you're at fault for being late for work.


My husband once lost his job for getting in a car accident and being in the hospital and couldn't call them because he didn't know the number for work.


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daydreamer84
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07 Jul 2013, 12:21 am

League_Girl wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
^^^
I know that people use it that way, "excuses, excuses, excuses". That;'s the stigma. I'm just saying that there are good excuses. So bad weather is a bad excuse for being late for work but getting in a car accident and having two broken legs and a concussion and being in the hospital because of it is a good excuse for not coming in to work. It's still technically an excuse because it's an explanation that lessens how much you're at fault for being late for work.


My husband once lost his job for getting in a car accident and being in the hospital and couldn't call them because he didn't know the number for work.


:( Well, I guess your husband was partially at fault for not knowing his work phone number. Still, I'd say being in hospital due to a car accident is a pretty good excuse. Sometimes no matter how good an excuse you have, if you're not at work when you need to be you get fired. I'd still say that him being in the car accident lessened the amount that he was at fault for not showing up for work and therefore losing his job.



Sweetleaf
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07 Jul 2013, 9:18 am

By fit do we mean a meltdown they can't control or deliberately causing a scene, as for the insulting people I don't see AS as an excuse for that though it is possible for someone with autism to say something that is taken wrong. So I guess it really depends on what the situation is and what happened.


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07 Jul 2013, 5:25 pm

I like the discussion on "reason" or "explanation" rather than "excuse".
Not knowing an action is offensive or hurtful can be given as a reason. But if that person continues to give offense it might be because they have been unable to learn the lesson or because they want to do it again despite being told it's considered offensive.
One is about lack of comprehension the other about not taking responsibility. This applies to all people not just Autism/AS.

An example to consider. A man gets into a relationship and promises to remain faithful. He is unfaithful and says "It's because I'm Aspergers. I didn't know I was Aspergers before, so I'm not responsible to live up to promises an Aspie is unable to keep" as his explanation.
He is asking her to believe that being Aspergers means a person cannot be expected to remain faithful.

I tend to the opinion he is using Aspergers as an excuse. He might not be able to see why she is upset because he doesn't understand other people's feelings, but he did decide to lie to her in order to get her to commit to the relationship in the first place.



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07 Jul 2013, 8:36 pm

The_Perfect_Storm wrote:
If accidental. Though steps need to be taken to make it less likely to occur again.

Depends on many things factors though.
^ that



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07 Jul 2013, 9:56 pm

In my experience, I've found that people who are being jerks tend to find other excuses for it. They blame someone else for provoking them, or the say they had a bad day (I think this can be legitimate - sometimes people do transfer negative emotions to something other than the cause), or they claim that because they didn't intend any insult then what they said could not possibly be insulting (this happens on this forum occasionally).



Tomzy95
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08 Jul 2013, 8:04 am

Definitely not! A kid in my class last year was the biggest brat! And he was intentionally doing it aswell because he hated the subject. This happened all year and when finally the teacher threatened to call his parents he pulled up the Aspie card as an excuse, then everything was okay after that, people like that agitate me.



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08 Jul 2013, 9:02 am

I do know someone who blames his Autism (as well as me :x ) for his behaviour. He's high functioning enough to know right from wrong.



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08 Jul 2013, 9:22 am

I knew an aspie online who used it to pray on minors and women to see their penises and naked pictures of them and all and boobs and their pelvis areas and not take no for an answer. He also liked to hear them pee. He said his AS was that bad. :roll:


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DredWolf
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14 Sep 2014, 4:21 am

I looked up this thread following having a bit of a mood drop and causing some bit of trouble..

I think the bottom line for me is my visual and audio sensitivity. It's actually really quiet right now in the wee hours of the night, so naturally I am rather calm now.

I just don't understand it though..

No matter what I will have light and sound issues. So what can that result in? Probably getting into issues. It is always not an excuse, but then it happens. Another bad behavior is probably my overspending. And of course with light and sound issues comes struggling and failing to some degree at work and school. I would be very lucky if more if not all lighting was LED at least. Anything else is just less comfortable. I remember getting into a scuffle at a hospital years ago and it would not surprise me if the noise and flourescent lights were to blame, or the underfeeding they subjected me to. Even in many photos of me over the years, the sunlight would hurt. Even a few days ago I was riding my bike and this fire truck came up from behind and blared it's siren, I nearly flew off my bike from that. : (

Having my mood drop/meltdown tonight, by chance I decided to wear a pair of sunglasses, and amazingly it helped me calm down. For someone with light and hearing sensitivities who might be in danger of about to have a meltdown, it might work to put on darkly tinted sunglasses and a pair of headphones with some relaxing sounds. For me I am almost tempted to get some tinted goggles, mind you I have noticed getting some stylish looking sunglasses or goggles might do it. ; )

And having light and hearing sensitivities as a child with autism can be an issue for sure in potentially causing a meltdown. Now, admittedly if the conditions are ok, then the eye and ear provisions might not be needed, but are definitely good to keep handy just in case. And in the event of some noises in the class causing an issue, it I would consider stuffing some bit of a cotton ball or tissue paper to help muffle the sound a little. I would also urge considering how food and taste sensitivities can cause mood/behavior issues, perticularly when it comes to sugar, and ironically some food allergies can cause cravings for the problem food, like dairy.

But still the occurence of making a social etticate error can still seem to happen with me. One of the worst from me was when I was with my family at a family gathering and I was saying about an older uncle that it is a shame he was in some health trouble, but at least he had lived a good long life. Luckily the uncle and his wife/one of my aunts did not hear me say it but my mom did and she couldn't believe it and was quite angry with me.

In a way I don't know what to say. I've had a long time of relative social isolation and even being aware of saying or doing things that I'm sure have shooed off friends or potential friends. It makes me want to say something demeaning to myself. Still though I find that one thing can only be compared to another, and many people will compare themselves to others to make some determination.

And of course I talk way better through text than verbally.



Charloz
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14 Sep 2014, 5:20 am

Zabriski wrote:
Should kids in class be excused from insulting someone or throwing a fit because of AS syndrome?


No, never.

You can make a mistake once and be told not to do it anymore; you learn from this. Attaching consequences to your actions ensures you learn proper, acceptable behaviour. Not attaching consequence to misbehaving does nothing to solve the problem.

Yes I have AS, yes I am not entirely normal. But it doesn't mean I get to throw tantrums and cry and act like a little b***h because of it. It never did and it never will. Yes I am on the spectrum but it doesn't make me a toddler, so there's no excuse for me acting like one. And neither should anybody else. It's called self-control and Asperger's isn't an excuse for lacking it.