My husband keeps accusing me of ignoring him...

Page 1 of 2 [ 32 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

mamakrzewski
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 14

25 Aug 2012, 12:21 pm

...and it's making me sick of him.

I spend the entire day trying to keep house and care for our son, even when sick. My husband comes home and starts making demands. He has never really made an effort to reach me on a deep level. I am still dealing with betrayal isssues due to him.

He is constantly accusing me of ignoring him. I do not have much of a desire for intimacy, and he gripes about that. Practically every day. I feel like I have to stay in his face to satisfy him. It's exhausting. Sometimes I wish he'd just divorce me. He complains that I care more for my son than for him. I have an autstic child, he isn't exactly independent.

I feel like if my family had their way, I'd be a machine. It's hard for me to be in his face all the time. His constant complaints and demands push me away, which makes him complain and demand more.



invisiblesilent
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Aug 2012
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,150

25 Aug 2012, 12:26 pm

Sounds like somebody needs an attitude check if he really thinks, as your post suggests, that you should "care more" for him than for your son. Don't date a parent/have children if you don't want the woman putting the kids first; it's pretty simple.

Edit: Oh it's his son too. Even more messed up in that case if he wants you to be more interested in him than in his own son.



chris5000
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Aug 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,599
Location: united states

25 Aug 2012, 12:31 pm

Image



mamakrzewski
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 14

25 Aug 2012, 12:43 pm

Thanks for the support and info. I wish I could just tell my husband I have AS, this is new to me. I fear he will just say that I am trying to get attention. That I want to be like my son.

There was once a time that I was more open to him. But years of betrayal has taken its toll. It is hard to go back to that now. He made fun of my vulnerability. Called it weakness. I don't see myself opening up to someone like that again in life. I stay with my husband because I cannot support myself and my son yet (waiting on SSDI), and my son adores his father.

But sometimes I think I'd be happier alone. The feelings of loneliness pale in comparison to the pain I feel when dealing with situations like this, as well as other misunderstandings with the NT world.



SavageMessiah
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 16 Aug 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 202
Location: Pittsburgh, PA, US

25 Aug 2012, 12:47 pm

Not uncommon... My marriage is very similar only we don't have a kid, which if we did would just be suffering through all the financial problems we've had since day 1. I'm capable of being very affectionate, but seemingly not in a way that's "convenient" for anyone else. I feel your pain!


_________________
AQ: 42
aspie-quiz: 151 / 47


whirlingmind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,130
Location: 3rd rock from the sun

25 Aug 2012, 12:54 pm

mamakrzewski wrote:
Thanks for the support and info. I wish I could just tell my husband I have AS, this is new to me. I fear he will just say that I am trying to get attention. That I want to be like my son.

There was once a time that I was more open to him. But years of betrayal has taken its toll. It is hard to go back to that now. He made fun of my vulnerability. Called it weakness. I don't see myself opening up to someone like that again in life. I stay with my husband because I cannot support myself and my son yet (waiting on SSDI), and my son adores his father.

But sometimes I think I'd be happier alone. The feelings of loneliness pale in comparison to the pain I feel when dealing with situations like this, as well as other misunderstandings with the NT world.


I know exactly where you are coming from. You should tell him though. Or leave an open book about it for him to conveniently read, accidentally on purpose. Your child always has to come first, even more so when they are autistic. Tell him autism is genetic and that there are traits people have that they can't help. He should have seen some signs of things in your son. If you don't release the tension by telling him, although his behaviour is a bit like a spoilt brat not getting what he wants, he deserves to know so that you can give him a chance to understand. Once you've given him that chance then if he still doesn't change, you will know what you are dealing with.


_________________
*Truth fears no trial*

DX AS & both daughters on the autistic spectrum


mamakrzewski
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 14

25 Aug 2012, 1:12 pm

I will give him the benefit of the doubt by telling him, but I don't think it will make much of a difference. At the end of the day, he is serving himself. Now to find a way to tell him without him laughing at me.

Hubby also makes crude jokes (he's always talking about some boyfriend I have...his joke about why I don't tend to his every whim), and says I have no sense of humor when I fail to laugh.



y-pod
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Apr 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,633
Location: Canada

26 Aug 2012, 6:24 am

Well, you probably should give him a bit of attention and sex. Maybe not as much as he want, but some should be arranged. Many marriages would fall apart if the couples don't have much alone time. How about like every Saturday night or something? If he knows what to expect and when, maybe he won't bother you all the time.


_________________
AQ score: 44
Aspie mom to two autistic sons (21 & 20 )


mamakrzewski
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 14

26 Aug 2012, 7:47 am

I honestly wish he would go away.

I talked to him about some of the traits of Asperger's, qnd while he says "that sounds like you", that won't keep him from being a tool.

There are two reasons why sex happens rarely. One, we live in a one-bedroom apartment, and our son sleeps with us. We don't have, and never have had a babysitter. Not to mention, I cannot take contraceptives because I had a stroke. I never want this man to impregnate me again. Secondly, he has been very emotionally abusive to me in the past, using his past pain and drinki.g problems as an excuse. What feelings I felt for him in that area have fled.

He refuses to divorce. But does not consider what his behaviors have done to me. He just wants me around as a servant, nanny and bed entertainment.



mamakrzewski
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 14

26 Aug 2012, 8:05 am

I honestly wish he would go away.

I talked to him about some of the traits of Asperger's, qnd while he says "that sounds like you", that won't keep him from being a tool.

There are two reasons why sex happens rarely. One, we live in a one-bedroom apartment, and our son sleeps with us. We don't have, and never have had a babysitter. Not to mention, I cannot take contraceptives because I had a stroke. I never want this man to impregnate me again. Secondly, he has been very emotionally abusive to me in the past, using his past pain and drinki.g problems as an excuse. What feelings I felt for him in that area have fled.

He refuses to divorce. But does not consider what his behaviors have done to me. He just wants me around as a servant, nanny and bed entertainment.



b9
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Aug 2008
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,003
Location: australia

26 Aug 2012, 8:09 am

Quote:
My husband keeps accusing me of ignoring him...

most people i know accuse me of "ignoring" them, but i just ignore their accusations because they are not true, and also because i could not care less whether they feel ignored or not.



mamakrzewski
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 14

26 Aug 2012, 8:23 am

b9 wrote:
Quote:
My husband keeps accusing me of ignoring him...

most people i know accuse me of "ignoring" them, but i just ignore their accusations because they are not true, and also because i could not care less whether they feel ignored or not.


:lol:



whirlingmind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,130
Location: 3rd rock from the sun

26 Aug 2012, 8:50 am

mamakrzewski wrote:
I honestly wish he would go away.

I talked to him about some of the traits of Asperger's, qnd while he says "that sounds like you", that won't keep him from being a tool.

There are two reasons why sex happens rarely. One, we live in a one-bedroom apartment, and our son sleeps with us. We don't have, and never have had a babysitter. Not to mention, I cannot take contraceptives because I had a stroke. I never want this man to impregnate me again. Secondly, he has been very emotionally abusive to me in the past, using his past pain and drinki.g problems as an excuse. What feelings I felt for him in that area have fled.

He refuses to divorce. But does not consider what his behaviors have done to me. He just wants me around as a servant, nanny and bed entertainment.


You don't need his permission to divorce. You can file for divorce yourself. Have you tried marriage guidance counselling? Before going for a divorce it would be an idea to see if there is anything worth saving. You have enormous strain on your relationship, not having time alone and he's had past issues which are affecting his behaviour. Or maybe he alone needs counselling to get his anger out. Sometimes marriages can be retrieved from the brink. Although if you're anything like me, once that thing inside has snapped, there's no turning back. You sound as if you feel trapped, he needs to consider some sort of therapy if he wants to stay married and try to repair things.


_________________
*Truth fears no trial*

DX AS & both daughters on the autistic spectrum


lady_katie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jul 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 575

26 Aug 2012, 9:41 am

My husband and I both just discovered that we have AS, and we have a 1 year old son who is starting to show signs of autism. We're under a lot of stress right now for what feels like a million different reasons, and I can relate to some of what you wrote here. My husband also suffers from Dependent Personality Disorder in addition to the AS. We discovered that this is most likely a result of Alexithymia, so it is related. Either way - he literally follows me around the house needing reassurance and affection. He waits outside of the bathroom for me, sometimes even follows me in. He asks for my council on every little tiny thing in his life. He's basically like a needy child. I'm more naturally in my own world, in my routine, my obsessions, caring for my child, etc...and I'm having to learn to split my time up between my husband, my son and myself. My husband and I have horrible communication, and it makes things all the more difficult for us, but we have found that spending lots and lots of time at least trying to talk about these issues is helping. Being that we both do have Alexithymia (can't put emotions into words sometimes) - that makes this even more difficult, but I find that when I see my husband making a sincere effort to understand what I'm going through, I'm more interested in meeting his needs. It's almost like his needs become my needs as well, so it's not even like I'm doing him some kind of favor. Even though it's painful, the lines of communication are going to need to be opened if there is any chance of your marriage surviving. Ideally, over time, your husband needs to come to understand all of your struggles, and vice versa. Both my husband and I have trouble with empathy, so we literally need to take time to sit down alone and imagine (on purpose) how the other person must be feeling. I find that when we set aside time to read articles related to what the other person is describing, this helps us (sometimes the articles offer a perspective that we can more easily digest). I find that with me personally, it's very difficult for me to care much about what my husband needs if I do not take the time to sit down and purposefully empathize with him. I find that when we're talking about a very very sensitive subject, the words just don't come and we sit there frustrated. We discovered that in this instance, resorting to communication in writing works very well for us, so we will actually email each other instead of sit in the same room looking to each other to fix the frustration.

Also, and very importantly, we're having to learn how to bring balance to our lives. We're taking this to an extreme level by selling our home. We made a list of all the things that are overwhelming me, and most of them were related to my husbands lack of an ability to share the responsibilities of home ownership - so we're selling our house! Family is more important than owning a home, so it seemed like the logical thing to do. We will not own again until we can afford to pay someone to handle his share of the responsibilities for him (or if he get's better and can do them). We also have been working out a routine where my husband takes care of our son after work and for much of his free time on the weekends, completely alone without me so that I can take a much needed break. Words cannot express how much this is improving our relationship.

I think it's important to recognize that what works for NT's might not work for you guys. That was a big hurdle for me. I'm in therapy, and I'm trying to apply all of these "normal people" tactics, and they just aren't doing anything helpful! It wasn't until we got real with ourselves and our problems, and started admitting that we need to do things that people do not consider to be normal (like zone out on wrong planet for an hour here and there lol) just to feel good, that we started making any real progress.

I'm not sure if any of this helps you, but I really hope that it does! There's hope in your situation. I felt hopeless only 6 months ago, and now I can see that things between my husband and I are going to be just fine.



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 27,205
Location: Pacific Northwest

26 Aug 2012, 11:07 am

mamakrzewski wrote:
I honestly wish he would go away.

I talked to him about some of the traits of Asperger's, qnd while he says "that sounds like you", that won't keep him from being a tool.

There are two reasons why sex happens rarely. One, we live in a one-bedroom apartment, and our son sleeps with us. We don't have, and never have had a babysitter. Not to mention, I cannot take contraceptives because I had a stroke. I never want this man to impregnate me again. Secondly, he has been very emotionally abusive to me in the past, using his past pain and drinki.g problems as an excuse. What feelings I felt for him in that area have fled.

He refuses to divorce. But does not consider what his behaviors have done to me. He just wants me around as a servant, nanny and bed entertainment.



Sounds like a bad marriage. You can just leave him if that is possible. Not everyone divorces when they separate.


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.


cubedemon6073
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Nov 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,953

30 Aug 2012, 12:11 am

mamakrzewski wrote:
b9 wrote:
Quote:
My husband keeps accusing me of ignoring him...

most people i know accuse me of "ignoring" them, but i just ignore their accusations because they are not true, and also because i could not care less whether they feel ignored or not.


:lol:


mamakrzewski, I have a question for you. Are you married to Qplan by any chance?
http://forums.delphiforums.com/n/mb/mes ... msg=9425.1 :lol: :lol: